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A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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brainhurts,
Thanks for the radio clips. I have been reading on the site but haven't posted. I was inspired by the talk of smores and went out last week and bought a fire pit and had smores with the kids, rocket queen and my family that's visiting from Florida.
I feel that our marriage has been great as we continue to spend time together and with the kids. I had eye surgery three days ago and still can't see a thing. But my incredible wife and best friend has been by me helping me through it. I don't know what I would do without her.
We have another appointment with Dr. Harley on Friday after another visit to the eye doctors. can't wait to talk to the coaching center as I know how important it is to my wife.
Thanks,
KISS
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Hopefully you'll keep posting, too. Good to hear from you - and it's great that you have an appt with Dr. H. 
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Thanks for the update kiss. Hope your eye recovery goes well.
Please let us know what Steve says.
What did you think of the clips?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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that's great kiss (the smores)! hope you recover your sight soon.
you know what they say: a happy wife = happy life. you will be thrilled and excited yourself when your m is on track and thriving.
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you know what they say: a happy wife = happy life  Hmmm... where have I heard this before? ..... .... ... .. . Aha! When it comes to making marriage fulfilling for a wife, the "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" approach dominates the thinking of many husbands. In this time-honored line of attack, a husband simply does whatever his wife wants, in the hope that he'll at least have peace and quiet. But peace and quiet doesn't turn out to be that easy. In fact, the more a husband reinforces a wife's "ain't nobody happy" part of the equation, the more skilled she becomes in making him miserable.
The problem in this scenario that I've described is in the goal of marital conflict resolution. It's a win-lose goal that starts from the very beginning of courtship. When one spouse wins, the other loses. In the beginning, he's willing to lose so that she can win. But eventually he expects her to do a little losing so he can win once in a while. When that's not forthcoming, at least to his satisfaction, he tries to win without her consent by making decisions independently. That's another win-lose goal.
My position on conflict resolution in any romantic relationship is that whenever a couple has a conflict, their choice should not be between doing whatever he wants or whatever she wants (win-lose), but rather doing what they both want (win-win). They could avoid all of the unpleasantness I've been describing by simply accepting this basic premise.
My goal for husbands who want to make their wives happy is for them to limit their choices to win-win solutions to all marital conflicts. And I put a great deal of effort into helping them learn to achieve that objective. Why just husbands, you may ask? Why not put equal effort into helping wives? Well, I'd like to be able to put equal effort into helping both spouses, but I usually find myself focusing most of my attention on husbands because they're the ones who resist finding win-win solutions the most. Women usually seem to see the wisdom of it almost immediately, while it usually takes men a while longer to catch on.
Last edited by HoldHerHand; 06/29/12 03:49 AM.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Get well soon Kiss. Eager to hear Dr Hs advice for you both.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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So we never got to talk to Steve as our appointment was for 2:30 we kept calling every 10 minutes like we our supposed to. we called until almost 3:30 never getting through.
We had to stop trying because we had my cousins wedding to go to that started at 5. so it was frustrating not getting through as it is so hard for us to set an appointment due to our work schedules.
By the way the eye is feeling much better even though i can't see a darn thing out of it.
THANKS,
KISS
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Hey Kiss, I hope your eye continues to improve. I'd hoped you would come back here, as I'd read your thread and I think your point of view is needed for people who read here. It's evident how much you really love RQ; please take very good care of her and all your kids.
Last edited by IAintReadyToQuit; 07/01/12 12:51 AM.
Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK
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So we never got to talk to Steve as our appointment was for 2:30 we kept calling every 10 minutes like we our supposed to. we called until almost 3:30 never getting through.
We had to stop trying because we had my cousins wedding to go to that started at 5. so it was frustrating not getting through as it is so hard for us to set an appointment due to our work schedules.
By the way the eye is feeling much better even though i can't see a darn thing out of it.
THANKS,
KISS glad to hear the eye is better. we have had that happen with SH too. sometimes he gets caught up in a marital emergency. you did leave messages, right? he is pretty good about getting you another appt asap when this happens. do contact his office w/this info. i hope you get scheduled soon. it IS frustrating, i know. we had to call at 4 am due to time zones! now getting up at 3.45am and never getting your appt - that's frustrating! but i figured if he couldn't take a call from down here at the bottom of the world, then someone more desperate than i needed him more. goodness knows you need that appt, kiss, so do what you have to do to meet the first available opportunity, ok?
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By the way the eye is feeling much better even though i can't see a darn thing out of it. Glad to hear it.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Letty,
Yes we did leave messages. My wife sent an email also trying to see if we can reschedule for Thursday morning. The hard thing is im a retail manager that works different hours and my wife works a state job that is 9 to 5. So on Thursday im off and see is trying to go in late. I will keep everyone updated.
THANKS,
KISS
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very good, kiss. keep it up. sometimes you have to be persistent, the "squeaky wheel" YKWIM?
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Yep, keep trying. Persistence in sticking to the plan is one of the most important parts of recovery.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Letty,
Yes we did leave messages. My wife sent an email also trying to see if we can reschedule for Thursday morning. The hard thing is im a retail manager that works different hours and my wife works a state job that is 9 to 5. So on Thursday im off and see is trying to go in late. I will keep everyone updated.
THANKS,
KISS Keep it up kiss and thanks for updating.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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So we had our session with Steve Harley on Thursday morning. It went very well but he gave me a lot of "home work" so im going to have to try to make some time tomorrow. Its going to be difficult as we are both off tomorrow. (A rare weekend day off for me so we try to do stuff together with the kids).
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Good! Well, the kids can have some time, too, without changing your priority of MommyDaddy Time first.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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So we had our session with Steve Harley on Thursday morning. It went very well but he gave me a lot of "home work" so im going to have to try to make some time tomorrow. Its going to be difficult as we are both off tomorrow. (A rare weekend day off for me so we try to do stuff together with the kids). great! the homework and UA time are your priority. the kids can wait (not that you can't do something special with them too, but keep to time). children need a stable, loving home. you create that by creating a stable, loving marriage. your kids will benefit from your M, so the M is #1 priority. let us know how it goes. when's your next appt?
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Good kiss and thanks for the update. I agree with Neak and Letty. Caring for mom and dad is the most important thing at the moment. This is what's best for the children. Have you read this? Caring for the Children, means Caring for Each Other.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Yesterday evening I asked rocketqueen to sit down and talk to me. We discussed some of what we talked to Dr. Harley about. I gave her a no contact letter that Dr. Harley wanted me to write. It stated that in any circumstance if I was contacted by the woman I had my affair with trys to contact me that I would avoid her and contact rocketqueen immediately. Then I had to give five scenarios. I felt that we are beyond that but its something he had asked so I did it.
After we discussed the no contact letter we discussed the amount of pain that she felt and the hell I put her through. Dr. Harley wanted me to discuss with her how some of his past clients have said the pain of dealing with their spouse's affair was the worst thing that they ever had to deal with. Some of them said worse then dealing with rap, father being murdered, even the death of one mans 8 year old son.
When I asked her if this was true she said that at least when you get rapped its by a stranger most of the time!! That was hard to hear. Then she gave me her diary that she wrote in when things started to get bad. That was really tough to read. It really hit me hard. We discussed my state of mind at the time and she said that I turned into a different person. Now looking back i see what a lost soul I was EVERY DECISION I made was the wrong one. I really felt like a piece of sh** after that conversation. Dr. Harley said that there will be a lot of tough conversations along the way and that was deffinity one of them. I am exspecting many more. I AM READY!!!
KISS
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