I am married 20 plus years and had a college affair while dating my husband. He was always aware of this affair but only from his suspicion, I tried desparately to keep it secret from him. The college affair happened only in the first year, it ended, but the guilt was always with me. My husband asked me to marry him 4 years after the affair, and I agreed to marry him without telling him of what happened, I had no furhter contact with the college guy, except a phone call out of fear of being caught to tell him I was getting married to the person I had been dating when I was with this college guy, I was scared he would come forward although we lived hundreds of kilometers apart and had no way of getting togethter, I didn't want to get together with him ever. Over the years of our marriage we have had many blessings and happy times, we have also had many hard times. 8 years into our marriage my husband confronted me about the college affair and I told him what I had done, he was not happy about it and although told me he forgave me and loved me, he then turned around after we renewed our wedding vows and had an affair with a woman we both know, but she is no longer here in our hometown. Recently this issue has come up again, our children are growing up and out of the house and we are moving into the empty nest phase... recently I did type in the college guys name into the internet, was going through some "what if" type of thinking, never communicated with the college guy, never chatted with the college guy, but my husband found the history in the computer and has been upset about it since. He tells me that honesty is the only thing that will save our marriage, he loves me and wants to be here, but needs to know that I have not been unfaithful and reconnected with the guy. I have not, I love my husband and am wondering where we are going from here, I don't see myself with someone else, I don't want to lose him. this college relationship was so long ago, and during a time of me trying to figure out who I was. I have not repeated this behavior, but have covered it up. I do not like what I did, and cannot change the past, but having to relive it constantly is draining and I now have taken some of my husbands suspiscions and become doubtful of what I did or did not do... Help, I want to save our marriage, I feel drained. I forgave his marital indescretion, but feel he may be stuck in the past, before our marriage... help.

I would offer to take a polygraph for him. That should help establish your credibility when you pass the test.

have been seeing a hypnotherapist and nothing new has been revealed and all has been recorded. he wants me to go through the relationship from 25 plus years, that at the time was a young, scared, confused, out on her own girl...

polygraph and participate in Marriage Coaching through marriage Builders

D28B, it sounds like your husband's more recent affair should get some attention, too. What is your husband doing to keep from ever getting into a situation where he could have an affair?

Dr. Harley recommends that you give each other all details about the affairs, enough that you both understand the circumstances that led to the affair, and then you change the circumstances that led to the affair by 1) taking extraordinary precautions that will keep you from ever having an affair again, and 2) restoring the romantic love in your marriage and addressing each other's complaints about the marriage to build a lifestyle you would never want to escape from; and then he recommends that you NEVER BRING UP THE AFFAIR AGAIN!

It sounds to me like your husband is using resentment over your other relationship in college as a tool to manipulate you.

I would:
* Take a polygraph as others have recommended to prove that you are being honest
* (Dispense with the hypnotherapist and attempts to "recover" memories, as they can often plant false memories. And usually memories are only suppressed and need to be recovered if their was trauma like rape or abuse.)
* Participate with each other in affair-proofing your marriage.

If he does not want to come on board with you in building a new and better marriage, I think I would read him some of the lines from this article:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

What you did was wrong morally, but you were not married to your husband at that time, so it was not an affair. You should have been radically honest about your sexual history. You wrongly gave him a false impression.

But this does not excuse your H's infidelity to you following your marriage and taking vows.

Married people should never again have contact with any former lovers, to include looking them up on the Internet. Now that your H has committed adultery, he knows that the vows are easily broken, making him more suspicious that you are now vulnerable to a revenge affair.

Do you both have extraordinary precautions in place for life? No friendships of the opposite sex? Transparency? Integrated lifestyle?

Do you realize that MB does not advocate forgiveness of infidelity? Dr. Harley says the Just Compensation is required to help right the terrible wrong of adultery. Just Compensation and Extraordinary Precautions will result in a marriage better and safer than it was before the affair.

A polygraph to end his concerns is a great idea. Schedule one yourself.

Would your H be open to enrolling in MB Online Seminar? It really helped us rebuild a better marriage.

D28B.... Your situation is somewhat similar to mine: your husband and me, you and my wife. Check my posts on the matter.

For over one year the ex lover issue brought back into the marriage 'innocently' by my W created much much drama and emotions in our marriage. We have now been to marriage coaching through MB the last month, and it is helpful. If your husband's brain is at all like mine, and I'm told I'm not certifiably nuts, the coaching will help you both. We were told by S. Harley that we had much going for us, but we had some "coordination" issues. It may be helpful to you both and should be money well spent to have some sessions.

I agree with what the others said and wanted to emphasize that the focus in a polygraph should be on recent dealings with this old boyfriend. The old relationship was not an affair because you weren't married. Sure, it was cheating, and sure you were dishonest, but the issue is current communications.

thank you all for your posts, they make sense and definitely there are issues to deal with on both sides. My fear is that whatever I tell him will never be believed, whether it is with a polygraph, or the hypnotist, I have so much doubt of who and what I was back then... I know that I learned from my past mistakes, and my marriage is definitely the most important thing to me. There have been many losses lately in our lives - deaths, ailing parents needing care, children leaving home and I am in a state of redefining who I am. I did take my marriage vows very seriously and what is becoming very apparent is my husbands thought that we should never have been married - had I been truthful with him in the begining we would probably not be here today, so I deal with a lot of guilt with this. I love my husband so much, but he does not believe that I do truly love him.

I feel that there is more to this story than meets the eye...

If you want to help your H to trust you then schedule a poly. Get him involved if he is willing to, so that he can write questions that will help him get the answers he needs.

You seem unwilling to do a poly, and that to me is a big red flag.

D28B. Much (way too much) of what you say resonants of what my wife has said and continues to say to me: keep doing so to your H. I assume his top ENs are similar to mine. Take the poly and give it to him, it will help, and it certainly cannot hurt.

Your husband is in a glass house, and should be very careful too.

nope, not unwilling to do a poly, at this point I am willing to do anything to help my marriage. He on the other hand, seems to be blaming all of his choices about his affair, on my choice back in college before we were married, that is what is hurting me... there are two of us here in this relationship, one who is feeling guilty and not able to let go of the past (me) and forgive herself, and one who seems stuck on the past relationship as the reason for all of our marital trouble...

I would volunteer to do the polygraph as we suggested so he is assured you are telling him the truth.

And I would not accept blame for his affair. Nor should you tolerate it.

Again, what would it hurt to do the poly? if not to prove yourself. You weigh in so to speak, and if he doesn't then you have done what you need to do to fulfill what may be his insecurity/concerns/ or top five Emotional Needs, what have you got to lose. You say you want him, and he you?: bring it to the table first... belly up. Maybe he will really appreciate it. I would.

Agree and here.
Polygraph Testing