Full disclosure: One of my top emotional needs is admiration so I get defensive easily when my DH is mad at me. I also traditionally apologize first and try to keep the peace so that I feel peaceful. I have been lurking here a long time and hope to implement the program with DH because I really need/ want to feel in love with him more often. I am disturbed that I want male attention outside of our relationship ( although I have never pursued any guy) I like the rush that crushes gives me. I want to put all my energy into DH.

Question of the day: I was watching our baby last evening and my DH put his drink down on front of us on the coffee table. I didn't see this and let baby down where she proceeded to knock it off. He immediately went to bed mad and hasn't talked to me since. What should my response be? I didn't say sorry at the time because traditionally he doesn't want to hear it in the moment. He is prone to AO but was very controlled yesterday. He holds grudges.

Help me be loving and not feel like I am being walked on please?

I would say, "Hey, Baby is getting around a lot more than she used to. I was thinking we could make things easier around here if we made some baby-proofing decisions that we could both get into. Like maybe keeping the coffee table clear of stuff so situations like your drink getting spilled last night don't happen. I was thinking that I could clear off one of the bookshelves as our 'drop off' space for things we don't want her to get into. What do you think?"

I would not apologize for something the baby did, but you can go forward being more aware of dangers and nuisances in the room and be proactive. "Honey, I'm going to let her crawl around. Would you like to pick up your drink or should I put it on the bookshelf for you?"

If you got pouty last night, apologize for THAT. Not his spilled drink. He is responsible for his own beverages and his own child, he can't blame you for that. Look for solutions--maybe you could put a drink table in the corner, block baby with the corner of the sofa and a potted plant. A narrow shelf or table behind the sofa, set up high enough to be out of her reach. Get together on teaching her what she can touch and what she can't (although this is largely a personality issue, imho...I have four kids, and even though I approached all of them very similarly, two of them would and still do touch everything).

x2. I have to admit I'm surprised a guy with 4 kids would make such a rookie mistake!

CWMI has great suggestions. We're still working with ours on what they can touch and what they can't. We made the decision several years ago to not have any kind of knicknacks or breakables where the kids could easily get to them, but are slowly reintroducing these items to the household.

What does your husband think of the Marriage Builders program?

What is he doing about his AO?
Anger Mgmt 101

Thanks for the suggestions. I didn't get pouty and I didn't get mad at him for getting mad as I sometimes do ( working on it). It's a relief to know I don't need to apologize. The more I think of it he was probably at the end of his rope with kids up too late etc. just looking forward to sitting down to relax and his mixed drink gets spilled.probably the straw that broke the camels back.

We are in a unique situation right now living in parents basement while we build a house. He is gone every evening and weekend working on it so I don't feel we can do the one- on-one time that is the foundation of marriage builders so I haven't really broached the program with DH. Just a comment here and there. When he is home ( after kids are in bed)we sit on the couch - him with gaming, me surfing the net. Hmm i guess we do have some time to work with.Fine with this arrangement until lately thinking I need more emotional intimacy with him.

His angry outbursts have lessened over the years.He doesn't get angry at me so much as the kids. If the oldest isn't listening he might use one hand to push her once in the right direction and he yells more than me. I usually call him on these things and let the kids know that it's not ok to yell or push or whatever. Since his little dtr has asked him not to yell he has done much better with AO's. His temper was a main reason I refused to allow spanking as a form of discipline.

His worst AO was last summer after vacation and I still get angry thinking about how vulnerable i felt. He was so irrational. Driving home getting more and more upset with traffic them our oldest barfed and he would not stop to get her cleaned up. I forced the issue and he had a tirade in the gas station parking lot. Throwing car seats on the pavement and yelling. He doesn't remember it really and thought about anger mgmt after. The worst part for me is that while kids were in the bathroom I tried to tell them calmly that daddy's mad but wasnt behaving right and my son ( who himself has a temper) said yes daddy can act like that cause he is mad.He said afterwards he felt much better after to which I responded " well I feel much worse"He did apologize eventually but it's frustrating that he doesn't really know how awful he was.

So, no, brainhurts he doesnt have a plan currently to address AO's. Maybe I can get him to listen to those radio links. I'm quite sure he doesn't consider it to be a problem right now.

My family loves him and feel we have a really open, honest way of communicating but I have trouble being vulnerable with him. I excused it away as " keeping the mystery alive" but I don't really give myself completely to him. Maybe have put up defenses to keep from wanting too much which would lead to conflict( which I hate).

I will go print out EN form now and see if he can find some time to complete it with me.

With all his time working on that house.

What's your plan to get your UA time in?

Yes please have him listen to the Anger Mgmt clips. They are excellent.

Also what are you doing to stop your AOs? Are you committing other love busters?

Get the book Love Busters.

Just wanted to point out that if you don't have the time to devote to your marriage, then you can't fix your marriage. This program doesn't work without this step. You can't continue to neglect your marriage and expect to have anything other than a bad marriage.

The most critical first steps I see in your situation are a) eliminating lovebusters and b) getting 20-25 hours of UA time. If you are serious about changing your marriage, that is where you have to begin. Anything else will be a waste of time if you can't do that.

Thank- you for taking time to respond!

I would be open to finding time together. We have from 10-12 every evening together without kids and probably could find 4 hrs each Sunday. The problem is getting him on board. He is much more social than me and he plays online games every evening with his friends. It's very important to him. Can we build up to 20 hrs or would this be a waste of time? He will balk. If I play online gaming one night a week would this count towards rec companionship? It would kill me but I could learn how to play call of duty:)

I will get love busters. Right now we don't have enough time together to be love busting much. I do DJ him in my head but I am careful not start fights usually. Have to read the book.

You need to hire a babysitter and get out of the house -- and away from the online games! -- for your UA time. Your attention needs to be completely focused on each other -- that will not happen with Call of Duty.

Also please listen to this clips about the H addicted to gaming. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on addiction to gaming
Segment #2
Segment #3

A much better time for UA time is between 6 and 9, because you are tired by 10pm. And where would you go at 10 every night? I don't know about you, but I do not feel like going out on a date at 10 at night! Your UA time should be spent when you are at your most energetic. Not many people go out on dates from 10 to 12.


You play this together? And you can do less important things without each other as long as you have met your 20 hours of UA time per week.

The best way to do it is to sit down schedule your time once a week. Write out dates, activities, times, etc. Plan on dressing up and looking nice when you go out. And since you live with family, you can have them babysit!

He is finally home. I guess I misread him not talking to me for 24 hrs as he states the drink spilling was his fault. Yet he still has nothing to say and went straight to bed without saying goodnight. These moments are really hard for me to take, I feel insecure, but I haven't become emotional or started anything so that's good. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about- no. Have you been avoiding me today- no. Hmmm. Ok then.

Thanks brainhurts. I listened to that clip about addictions to gaming. I have never asked him to cut down so can't know if he is addicted or not. I will say that we both have a habit of independent behavior and he especially balks at attempts to control (his perspective). I haven't felt like its been an issue thus far except his own health( up too late) I like his gaming time because I get to do what I want. .

What is the difference between selfish demand and a request to do something for our marriage that will make me happy, or stop doing something that makes me unhappy? I don't get how to ask for something without it sounding like a demand to him.

Melody lane I don't game with him now. I don't know how to get earlier time with him. He just worked until 8 pm and left for our house. Didn't get back until 1030 tonight. Usually it is 9 pm. We have 3-4 more months of this process before we move. Maybe it will have to wait until then. Then again I could ask him to be back for 8, have all kids in bed and then go for walk or something. Our baby doesn't get to sleep until 10 so we could put her in a stroller. I could ask my parents once a week and his once a week but knowing my mom she couldn't handle more. So two nights without baby and 5 with baby in stroller or bike carriage. I could also hire a sitter and meet him for lunch twice a week.

I hope he goes for it! What happens if he doesn't? He doesn't want to take any time from house because we are going crazy living this way.

Having the baby there would not count because you can't have UA time when there are children there.

I would sit down and FIRST schedule your UA time for the week, and THEN schedule less important things like child care, working on your home, gaming, job. Put all those less important things at a lower place on the list.

Right here is some good time that could be afforded to dates with you.

What would most likely to draw him away from his friends on the internet?

a) 2 hours with his tired, exhausted wife late at night who is wearing her jogging pants and a ratty t-shirt

b) a hot date with a smoking hottie, who he is passionately in love with

Which would he rather do?

I hear what you are saying about UA time. Nothing matters unless that is done. I'm just going to need to redefine my priorities. Child care has come first for 9 years but I don't want to feel like we are just treading water half the time. I'll get back to you when I come up with something that works.
I really appreciate your posts- thanks.

I would broach the program with him sooner, rather than later. Then you can get the problems on the table and BOTH of you can be brainstorming solutions to them, rather than just you.

The two main problems I see are:
1) His angry outbursts have got to STOP. Not just get less frequent, but STOP. You must keep this problem on the front burner.
2) The two of you need to be able to spend time together, i.e., follow Dr. Harley's Policy of Undivided Attention, which means spending 15+ hours per week together meeting the intimate emotional needs of recreational companionship, intimate conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment. The time should be spent doing things you both enjoy, and talking a lot, and paying attention to each other, i.e., not looking at a computer screen, or playing a game that would kill you emotionally to play. Your children should not be present, and you shouldn't spend the time with other people. Give each other your undivided attention.

These are not problems that a wife can solve by herself. They are problems you have to solve together, so you need to make him aware that these are big high priority problems for you and get him working with you to come up with solutions.