do you do this? how's the EP list going?

I haven't done it yet, I know I should but I'm not sure how to approach him about making a list when everything is going so well. We went out to eat and he took me to a restaurant that we've never been before. He kept insisting that he took me there and I said he didn't then I just couldn't get the thought out of my head that maybe he took someone else and thought it was me. How do you stop those kind of thoughts? How does one talk about EP and other things related to this subject without it being a LB?

asking for what you need in a relationship is not an LB. telling your H he does a crappy job of meeting your ENs IS an LB! see the difference?

you said you had conditions in your letter, right? he is banking you won't follow up on them. you need to. have him get out the letter and talk about it.

Ok, I will. Thank you Letty! He's really wanting us to travel, which I think would be good. I also sent his resume to various companies and when he gets offered a job, he will take it. He doesn't have a problem changing jobs, he knows I hate his current one because of all the skanks that work there and seem to not care if a man is married or not. I wouldn't be surprised by the number of them that wouldn't mind becoming a second wife, unfortunately that is another problem here. It is not allowed socially to date, but if one wants to marry a married man, it's legal, although there are many families that do not like it. These women here are vultures and that sucks when my DH seems to like attention from women and has poor boundaries.

travelling is good. the harleys recommend a break together if you can take one. when i finally got NC, H and i went on a 10 day holiday together, alone (my mother flew over to take our DD). it was a great way to reconnect. it was our first extended holiday together, but not the last! we make a point now to get away every term break. i love it, and he does too.

mama, where are you? what's going on? update, please :O)

We're going to Paris for a week for my birthday! Things have been much better, lots of EN being met on both sides, only one fight, which was about packing luggage for kids to travel, but otherwise very very well! He is very open and honest, spending much more time together and it's been great. Very excited for the vacation, it will be our first extended one alone since having kids as well as our visit to France so we are both really looking forward to it! Thank you for asking Letty!

So, what happened with the OW? Did you expose? What precautions did you put in place to ensure your safety in your marriage? Have you told your children? What has been done to ensure the end of the affair? Are you snooping?

I'm sorry, but if your husband told another woman that he loved her, the chance is very good that there is a physical affair that you're dealing with, here.

hi mama. glad to hear about your wonderful trip!

you got a NC letter, good. you've gotten passwords, good. you've gotten transparency, good! i think you feel you're getting JC, is that right?

where are you with EPs? it's important that your M become affair-proof, and EPs are what does it.

MartialBliss, Yes, NC letter sent, exposed to everyone back when I found out he was talking to her. It definitely ended then. She hasnt tried to contact him nor he her. I think one of the biggest influences was his brother confronting him, he is more like a father to him and he was shocked that I told him everything. My bil pretty much said if you keep this behavior up, we will support your wife and you'll be out on your [censored]. I have all passwords to emails, phone, fb, everything. Still snooping, don't blindly trust him! I have made the list of EP and he is enthusiastically following it. I am sure that there is no contact, he is doing everything he can to try to work on our marriage. I feel I am getting JC and I'm definitely looking and his actions, not listening to what he says he will do but what he is actually doing is what makes me know that he is doing what I said must be done in order for me to stay.

What are the list of EPs? I woild post them here so the board can give you feedback.

What about changing all of his contact information? Phone number, email?

1. No friendships with members of opposite sex.
2. Call me when arriving at place and answer immediately if I call.
3. Leave phone with me when at home.
4. Do not delete anything from phone
5. Spend more time with kids
6. Drink only on weekend
7. Be open and honest about anything I ask

So far that's all I have and he is complying with them all.

Okay.
I read your list.
I also read your post on Page 2. You said his alcohol abuse was out of control.

Let me explain something about the disease of alcoholism: An alcoholic does not choose to drink. They don't choose to abuse alcohol. Just how a cancer patient doesn't choose cancer.
You cannot try to "fix" your alcoholic husband by saying he is only allowed to be a drunk on the weekend. The mere fact that alcohol made it on your list shows its a problem.

I suggest you join AlAnon so you can learn how not to be dependent on your husband. They have a 12 step program to help spouse "emotionally disconnect" from their alcoholics so that you can live a happy, sane life.
You CANNOT control your husbands alcoholism. You may as well find a brick wall to bang your head against.
If anything your list of condition of drinking on the weekend ENABLES your alcoholic husband.
You can't plan A with an untreated alcoholic.

Dr Harley also encourages spouses of alcoholic to join AlAnon.

Also alcoholism is a progressive disease.
Expect things to get worse befor they get better

The problem is that alcoholism, even though you may not have the disease HAS affected you.
You need to recover from alcoholism. When we live with an alcoholic we can actually loose touch with normality. We begin to "circle the wagons" around our family o keep outsiders from looking too closely at us.
AlAnon teaches that we actually need to regain our sanity.

I think you should call the radio show for advice. Tell them your husband I an alcoholic. Tell them you enable him and ask what Dr Harley recommends.

I think you should stop fo focusing on your marital recovery and focus on your personal recovery. You do that in AlAnon

Please listen to this clip.
Radio clip on alcoholics

I disagree. They choose, every time they pick up a drink - or don't. Your analogy of alcoholism vs. cancer is unsupportable. There are people who lead completely healthy lives who succumb to cancer. An alcoholic chooses to abuse his/her body and relationships with alcohol. They absolutely choose to drink. They absolutely choose to abuse alcohol. I am stunned that you believe otherwise.

Maritalbliss I understand your argument: that the alcoholic has control over their actions and is responsible for their actions.
However, AlAnon teaches that:
The alcoholic has NO control over their addiction.
The First of 12 Steps is to admit that they don't have control.
Spouses of alcoholics must similarly admit that they have NO control over the disease.

Most alcoholics live miserable unfulfilling lives. They do not want to drink. They have a co-dependent relationship with alcohol.
Similarly, spouses of alcoholics have unhealthy co-dependent relationship with the alcoholic.

They cannot choose not to be alcoholics. Just how a person with blue eyes cannot choose not to have blue eyes. Their only hope is to turn their lives over to God and work the 12 steps to CONTROL the addiction.

I don't disagree. I'm saying that alcoholics can choose NOT TO DRINK. It's the only way they're going to move to recovery as a sober survivor. It's the only prescription for recovery from alcoholism.

Cancer patients don't have the luxury of choosing not to have cancer. They can't NOT do something to remove what will possibly cause their death. THAT is an uncontrollable disease. There's NOTHING they can do to stop the progress of the disease.

mama, have you had your trip to paris? how are things going at home?