Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 13 1 2 3 4 5 12 13
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Apparently he is ignoring our posts so I see no reason to continue posting here until he responds to my posts and starts following the program. I certainly don't have time to post to someone who is not here to get advice.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
I did all of that. About a month ago I found out about the affair and confronted her. Friends told me of it and the confrontation was by phone. She lied and then had to confess. I cried and forgave her quickly. We met ftf the next day. We both talked and cried. I said she can't be on the fence as she put it if she is seeing him. She stated she would not stop seeing him. That morning I got angry with the situtation and called her at 3am. I told her how much she hurt me with the affair and stabbed me right in the back and straight through the heart. I tod her she will not have him and me. She has to make a choice. Him or me. I called her at 10 am and asked her if she had 4 minutes.

WS "It's done"
BH " Whats dome"
WS "What do you think"
BH "Well I assume by the crying you didnt pick me"
WS "I broke it off with him this morning"
WS "Don't call me. Leave me alone"

After there were family dinners. Time with the children. Watching movies at our "home". I offered to cook her favorite meals. Spoke with her. Reassured my love and wanting the marriage to work. She wanted to start marriage counseling. She came over one night about 2.5 weeks ago for dessert our son and I made. We tucked the kids in to bed. Then we stood in the hallway and a romantic night ensued. I thought we are on track (NOT there but headed in the right direction). WRONG!

My birthday July 3. She buys a laptop and internet and home phone so we can see the kids when sayong good night. Nice right? Earlier in the week she asked what I wanted for my birthday. I said for us and the kids to go to dinner then watch the fireworks together. She agrees. July 3 I remind her of it and she says. Let me think about it and later saying No. She had to stay in and work.

I took my kid an 15 year old nephew to dinner instead but brought 2 pieces of cake over to share on my birthday. Knock on the door. Hesitation. She answer in a sexy tank top no bra. Red faced. We enter she goes into her room put on a bra and shirt. My 2 year old daughter tries to open the door and my wife goes nuts. "NO ONE IN THE ROOM". She was about to leave and get a photo for my son from her car but changed her mind and siad we will get it when you leave. 2 bags were there that I had never seen before. I peeked. Mens shaving gel, hypodemic needles, a toothbrush etc. She could not look me in the eye without appearing shameful and embarrassed. lone in the kitchen I confronted her about the needles. WS "Its a medical condition I'm working on". BH "They dont give you needles for something you're working on". WS shows arms (I know its not heroin most likely he is diabetic). I ask her about the bags "They are from work". I ewxamine a bag "Get off my stuff". We leave and at the car I say "I neeed to talk to you but away from the kids". I ask her Whats going on. WS - Nothing BH- Whats going on? WS - Nothing BH "How long has he been up there?". Blown up mess. Outside her apartment I yelled to him "Thanks alot MF for ruining my marriage. She got angry and then sad. The net day I called her and aske her if her left that night WS- "All I will share with you is that I was a train wreck". Happy birthday right

SO -

I HAVE been trying to fill the LB. Show her and encourage family time. Be the man she loved, buried the man she did'nt and was showing her the new husband and father that rose from the ashes. His side does not care. Her family takes her side even if they dont agree with her decision. I want to save my marriage. She is hard to read (BEST poker face ever).

Any help is appreciated. I still want to sav my marraige. She is in FB blackout and bascially off the grid. She has no more of the friend support that she had before the affair (I told her I would always be there for her and even 4 days ago told her we could still make the marriage work). She finds diff excuses to avoid divorce (I don't want it). She is cake eating and I am running out of cake to provide. I would still offer all the family and me time and give space IF she was NOT seeing him.

I know this was long but trying as I have time to provide more intel.It's hard to see the whole picture. BTW - BAD child hood (domestic, raising her siblings at a young age). Her mother and siblings ALL are have disfunctional relationships. She was the only "shining star".

ADVICE?

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
I hane not been posting becauese I only had internet at work until today and dont get much computer time at wotk. With the affect on friends and family I am fighting so many fronts on this war and defending her. Most tell me to move on. I tell them "My *****" who I love is still there somewhere and needs my help and love. Thanks

Last edited by JustUss; 07/09/12 10:05 AM. Reason: tmi
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Her childhood has zero to do with it, but you are right the 'real' her is in there somewhere.

Lovebank deposits from OM have turned her, but lovebank deposits from you can tempt her back.

Of course you need exposure and the stick of Plan A to prevent cake eating while you make lovebank deposits.

Think of her as having been swallowed by an alien and the alien is in charge. Nothing the alien says or does is trustworthy and the A must be slayed.in order to slay the alien.

You must make lovebank deposits in order to keep a foot in the game.
She is your wife. She must see what kind of marriage she is chhosing to bail on. Be attractive, strong, funny and affectionate. Spend time with her. It is possible to do this while drawing a line in the sand. Find the strength.

You must insist she behave as a married woman and tell her she will lose you as coparent and friend if this keeps up.

Tell her she will never speak to you again if she chooses this path. And mean it.

If the OM ever dares show his face around your family again, you tell him to leave.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
OM has never shown his face to me since this began. What should I do. His side and her family will not help and she has NONE of our friends she used to have to intervene. It's me fighting by myself to stay married. Should I get the separation agreement? I want to save my marriage but she lost the respect and love of my family (can be rebuilt) and our friends. She has no one here but the OM and her work (aside fromour kids). What should I do to win her back. Does it show weakness to break the rules of my own letter? or does it show kindness and start to fill the LB?

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
Thanks indie girl and everyone for the help. With internet and a laptop now I'm on it. She will pick our daughter up tonight so I need a plan.

A) keep with the letter rules
B) Break them and speak with her about the letter and what I meant?
C) ???

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Well I think the letter was a mistake because it was all over the place and did not follow any MB plan. I was hoping you hadn't given it to her

For a start you promised in that letter to financially support her no matter what she did! Are you going to pay for her affairage (affair that turns into marraige) wedding too?

Fortunately she's wayward and they do not listen, much less read, things which are not enforced so she's probably paid it very little attention.

I would ignore the letter and start Plan Aing her.

If she refers to the letter, just chamge the subject.

It's easy to do that with waywards. So much affair-dope in their brains its like talking to a drunk.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Ive gone back and forth in my head about your best course of action. I think Plan A has been done as you described. Youve had some good moments with her and have made deposits. She claimed to dump him and things got a little better, but as I suspected and told you, she continued the affair underground.

I know the birthday incident really hurt you. It was a huge drain on your LB. Thats why I was chewing on Plan B as being your best option since she dumped him but then went back.

The problem is that youre unable or unwilling to totally go dark. As Ive said, and as the forum members will tell you, there is no such thing as a modified Plan B. Youre either in it or youre not.

So I suspect SH would advise you to continue Plan A. You may be able to email him. Hes been known to respond. He also takes calls on his radio show.

Plan A basically means youre a man with a spine (James Bond) and you reinforce the times she behaves like your wife.

You mentioned to me how she was hot and cold after dumping OM. I knew right away she was still in contact because of it. The Jekyll and Hyde syndrome is big evidence that there is still contact.

Since youre unable to do Plan B (I think you could make it happen), then stick with Plan A.

So there is opportunity tonight when she comes and gets the kids. Be welcoming into the marital home. Be approachable, but not weak. Act like a confident single guy shes interested in. If anything, be dressed up like youre going out and are just waiting for her to get DD so you can head out. In other words, dont look downtrodden and depressed, but attractive and desirable and like youre carrying on with your life. Dont be over talkative. Be cool but not cold. Keep the conversation simple and about the kids. Listen to her and say little in return. Perhaps repeat back to her what she said so it shows youre listening. Dont agree with her rationalizations and justifications.

If she tries to tell you that you two could be friends after a D, clarify that you cant.

Keep things short. Look like youve got plans you need to get to once she takes your DD. Dont be an open book. Dont clarify where youre going, even if youre only heading to the Safeway down the street or to your parents.

Plan B cant be done half a$$ed. Youre either dark or you arent. So Plan A it is. This means little to no expectations from her. The hard and heavy lifting is on your end. And I know it sucks.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: loveherafaad
I did all of that. About a month ago I found out about the affair and confronted her. Friends told me of it and the confrontation was by phone. She lied and then had to confess. I cried and forgave her quickly. We met ftf the next day. We both talked and cried. I said she can't be on the fence as she put it if she is seeing him. She stated she would not stop seeing him. That morning I got angry with the situtation and called her at 3am. I told her how much she hurt me with the affair and stabbed me right in the back and straight through the heart. I tod her she will not have him and me. She has to make a choice. Him or me. I called her at 10 am and asked her if she had 4 minutes.

WS "It's done"
BH " Whats dome"
WS "What do you think"
BH "Well I assume by the crying you didnt pick me"
WS "I broke it off with him this morning"
WS "Don't call me. Leave me alone"

After there were family dinners. Time with the children. Watching movies at our "home". I offered to cook her favorite meals. Spoke with her. Reassured my love and wanting the marriage to work. She wanted to start marriage counseling. She came over one night about 2.5 weeks ago for dessert our son and I made. We tucked the kids in to bed. Then we stood in the hallway and a romantic night ensued. I thought we are on track (NOT there but headed in the right direction). WRONG!

My birthday July 3. She buys a laptop and internet and home phone so we can see the kids when sayong good night. Nice right? Earlier in the week she asked what I wanted for my birthday. I said for us and the kids to go to dinner then watch the fireworks together. She agrees. July 3 I remind her of it and she says. Let me think about it and later saying No. She had to stay in and work.

I took my kid an 15 year old nephew to dinner instead but brought 2 pieces of cake over to share on my birthday. Knock on the door. Hesitation. She answer in a sexy tank top no bra. Red faced. We enter she goes into her room put on a bra and shirt. My 2 year old daughter tries to open the door and my wife goes nuts. "NO ONE IN THE ROOM". She was about to leave and get a photo for my sonfrom her car but changed her mind and siad we will get it when you leave. 2 bags were there that I had never seen before. I peeked. Mens shaving gel, hypodemic needles, a toothbrush etc. She could not look me in the eye without appearing shameful and embarrassed. lone in the kitchen I confronted her about the needles. WS "Its a medical condition I'm working on". BH "They dont give you needles for something you're working on". WS shows arms (I know its not heroin most likely he is diabetic). I ask her about the bags "They are from work". I ewxamine a bag "Get off my stuff". We leave and at the car I say "I neeed to talk to you but away from the kids". I ask her Whats going on. WS - Nothing BH- Whats going on? WS - Nothing BH "How long has he been up there?". Blown up mess. Outside her apartment I yelled to him "Thanks alot MF for ruining my marriage. She got angry and then sad. The net day I called her and aske her if her left that night WS- "All I will share with you is that I was a train wreck". Happy birthday right

SO -

I HAVE been trying to fill the LB. Show her and encourage family time. Be the man she loved, buried the man she did'nt and was showing her the new husband and father that rose from the ashes. His side does not care. Her family takes her side even if they dont agree with her decision. I want to save my marraige. She is hard to read (BEST poker face ever).

Any help is appreciated. I still want to sav my marraige. She is in FB blackout and bascially off the grid. She has no more of the friend support that she had before the affair (I told her I would always be there for her and even 4 days ago told her we could still make the marriage work). She finds diff excuses to avoid divorce (I don't want it). She is cake eating and I am running out of cake to provide. I would still offer all the family and me time and give space IF she was NOT seeing him.

I know this was long but trying as I have time to provide more intel.It's hard to see the whole picture. BTW - BAD child hood (domestic, raising her siblings at a young age). Her mother and siblings ALL are have disfunctional relationships. She was the only "shining star".

ADVICE?


Did you read my post about Plan A? I would try PLAN A. Expose the affair wide and far. And stay in Plan A for 6 months to a year. The plan that you describe, giving her the cold shoulder, is the most likely to lead to the demise of your marriage. It just makes the OM look good.

So please re-read the posts to you. EXPOSE the affair wide and far and stick to Plan A.

And her childhood has absolutely nothing to do with it. Leave the past in the past.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: indiegirl

For a start you promised in that letter to financially support her no matter what she did! Are you going to pay for her affairage (affair that turns into marraige) wedding too?
.


AGree with indiegirl, you should not give her a dime unless it is court ordered. You shouldn't be financing her affair.

I would focus first on exposure. Go read the thread in my signature and there are template letters there. Exposure will be your best weapon.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted By: helpthelostdads


The problem is that youre unable or unwilling to totally go dark. As Ive said, and as the forum members will tell you, there is no such thing as a modified Plan B. Youre either in it or youre not.



But Plan B has to be a very real part of the future, set in stone. You should be lining it up and preparing for it.

You say you 'don't have any more cake to give' but knowing you have a plan helps.

If you are firm that the James Bond cool customer Plan A act is temporary planning and you will only be doing it for six months, that'll help you stay cool.

Anyone would despair if they thought that was a permanent state of affairs.

The goal is to flood your wife's lovebank so she becomes addicted to the needs you meet.

When you go into Plan B and she can't reach you at all, she becomes desperate to reach you - but at this point she will still be addicted to OM.

That's OK though because affairs are delusions which break up easily in Plan B. When that happens you will have set the stage for recovery.

Plan A and Plan B are intertwined and you can't do one without the other.

You won't need to Plan B if she becomes remorseful or the OM is run off effectively.

However you need to plan for that escape if need be. It'll help keep you cool and Plan Aing like a rockstar.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Another excellent radio clip on the importance of exposure and why. Dr. Harley also explains all the steps that need to be taken to recover from an affair.
Radio clip on steps to take to revover from an Affair


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Guys, I don't think we need to beat a dead horse on exposure. It's done. LH's family, her family, and all their friends know.

Exposure is done and WW is paying the price in the loss of friends and alienation of family. OMW flat out doesn't care (I have my suspicions on this matter.)

So the focus now on advice is to help coach him on Plan A. That's what he needs help with.

Exposure is done. It has created a huge problem for WW and hasa alienated her. Lets move on with the advice and focus on Plan A.


Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
BTW, OM's FB is blocked. Can't see friends list to expose to them. Believe me, we've been trying on this end.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
He exposed to the kids?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: helpthelostdads
BTW, OM's FB is blocked. Can't see friends list to expose to them. Belive me, we've been trying on this end.


Have you tried this?
Facebook:A backdoor to see more


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
The two year old is too young, but the 5 year old knows that mom's actions are the cause of all of this and has told her so.

He's not happy with how things are.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Dday was a month ago?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Roughly a month ago. Please keep in mind he's a cop, so sitting at the computer and postings isn't a huge part of his day, though he'll post an update soon.

I sit at a desk, bored out of my mind most days, so I can take the time to post.

She left back in April. I called him to say hello and got the word she left. I suspected affair, LH didn't believe me at first. LH's other friends got intel that she's been with a couple of swingers for over a year.

This comes from a good source, though we haven't been able to confirm if this is really true or not. It sounded crazy to me until I learned that OMW didn't care when called.

WW is totally confused about what she wants, sending LH mixed signals all the time. The only time she's sought him out is when he's gotten cool with her and taken the James Bond approach. After the A came out in the open, she "cut it off" and was confusing LH again with mixed signals and odd behavior. I suspected it was underground or that contact continued. LH got false hope. There were nights hanging out together and one instance of SF. But the affair is now back on and contact has resumed.

He's seen her crying and deluding herself about family time and being friends after a D. It's been a case of classic cake eating.

I believe Plan B would be extremely effective with her due to her desire to keep one foot in both worlds and because she's responded to him getting cool on her.

But since Plan B isn't possible, then I've told him to continue Plan A, strengthen himself, be approachable, friendly, etc.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
helpforlostdads, if you are going to give this guy advice that continually conflicts with standard MB, then why bring him here? What is the point of that?

First off, Plan B *IS* possible but is ill-advised and stupid at this point. There is no reason he couldn't do Plan B.

Rather, what he needs to focus on is exposure. Exposure has not been done in a complete and effective manner. That is his best weapon so to brush that aside is a TRAGEDY.

We need to focus on doing an EFFECTIVE Plan A, which includes a strategic exposure.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Page 3 of 13 1 2 3 4 5 12 13

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 32 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Ella Paradis, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5