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TCal Offline OP
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My wife and I both agree that viewing porn is imoral and generally a bad idea. She however, has no moral problem with reading sexually explicit romance books. I'm not talking about 50 Shades of Grey either -- these are more explicit. I'm a recovering sex addict and used to look at porn secretly until my wife found out about it. She was very hurt by it and I understand why. I haven't looked at porn for several years now and have no desire to do something that is both bad for me and bad for our marriage. It does however bother me that she's reading these books even though she's perfectly honest and open about it. Are there any women that can help me understand how this is completely different than my looking at porn? Should I be bothered by this or am I just misunderstanding the whole issue. I really love my wife and want her be able to read whatever she wants but this particular genre makes me feel the same as if she were cheating on me. I don't want to bring it up to her until I have a better understanding of how women see this issue.


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I don't see it as being much different. And if its even more explicit than 50 Shades of Grey then its not different at all. Although quite frankly you may be wrong about them being more explicit--50 Shades of Grey may be much worse than you think from the excerpts I've heard.

Still I think you are right. If she doesn't want you viewing porn then she shouldn't be reading erotica or sexually explicit romance novels. I don't know if all women feel this way.

Is she on board with the MB principles? If she is then it really doesn't matter how you SHOULD feel. You DO feel like this is her watching porn/cheating and that is going to deplete love points. If she wants to protect her marriage then she should stop reading it. If she cares about your feelings she should stop reading it. That's really all there is to it.

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It does however bother me that she's reading these books even though she's perfectly honest and open about it.
There's the key. It bothers you, therefore she should not read those books. You don't have to get into whether erotica is good or bad. All that matters is that it bothers you.

Have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement?


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Have you seen this? The Policy of Joint Agreement

Have you told her you don't like it?


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Many times, erotic literature is to women what porn is to men. If your uncomfortable with it, then she needs to stop reading it


Husband (me) 39
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I can't be enthusiastic about making my wife give up something that she enjoys and is not harmful just because of my insecurities. I really want to hear from a woman that actually reads this material and doesn't feel like there's anything wrong with it. I'm confused about this and worry that I'm making an unfair comparison between porn and erotica. Porn exploits real people but no one gets hurt in a fictional novel.


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My opinion and my wifes opinion is that erotica does the same for her as porn did for me (which i had quit becasue it was creating a contrast effect in me towards my wife and same with her and reading erotica).. she found herself needing me less for her own relief and just doing it herself becasue i was not usually around when she would read them and this would create a contrast in her mind that I could not compete with (like wise of porn and my own contrast effect). When women read them it plays out like a movie in their minds.. they can see it with their emotions. (ladies are emotional creatures and men are visual so naturally the ladies have an easier time with literature then men do on average) NOt saying guys dont read .. but women are effected more by literature in that regard then men are.

This is just my opinion and my wifes as we both used POJA and agreed both are equally as bad. I did however suggest to my wife that we read her erotica togther OUTLOUD like we did the Books from this site .. but she said it would make her feel silly and it wouldnt be the same as if she read it in her mind herself. THAT right here .. created our answer if it was OK or not.

MNG

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Originally Posted by TCal
I can't be enthusiastic about making my wife give up something that she enjoys and is not harmful just because of my insecurities. I really want to hear from a woman that actually reads this material and doesn't feel like there's anything wrong with it. I'm confused about this and worry that I'm making an unfair comparison between porn and erotica. Porn exploits real people but no one gets hurt in a fictional novel.

I sometimes read such erotica/romance novels and don't feel like it's wrong. However, I have not requested that my husband not view porn. In fact, I know that he watches porn on occasion and in the past I've had no problem with it. So you see, I can't really judge b/c we have not yet set any boundaries in this area for ourselves although perhaps we should.

I will say that I agree totally with MrNiceGuy and his wife's evaluation of reading erotica. This is exactly how it works. Which is why I am rethinking our policies. But I would not make a one sided request (as I feel your wife has done).

Quite frankly I am not worried about whether people are getting exploited or not, and I don't think you should either. That is beside the point. The point is that it probably is not good for your marriage. And your marriage is what is important in this context.

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Originally Posted by TCal
I can't be enthusiastic about making my wife give up something that she enjoys and is not harmful just because of my insecurities. I really want to hear from a woman that actually reads this material and doesn't feel like there's anything wrong with it. I'm confused about this and worry that I'm making an unfair comparison between porn and erotica. Porn exploits real people but no one gets hurt in a fictional novel.


I have read erotica in the past.

What I posted still stands.

There's no need to get into whether it is right or wrong, innocent or immoral. You don't even need to draw a line between porn and erotica.

If it bothers you, she shouldn't read it.
If it makes you "insecure," it IS HARMFUL to your marriage.

Again, I ask, have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement?


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With the POJA you don't do anything that you both aren't enthusiastic about.

So he doesn't like it and isn't enthusiastic about it, so she should stop reading them.

You need to use PORH and tell her how you feel. Have you told her?


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Dr. Harley says that one of the issues with porn is that it creates an unrealistic comparison between your spouse and the people in the porn videos. The same could be said for reading erotica.

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From here What is sexual addiction?

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
Is viewing pornography normal for most men?

Most men find naked women to be sexually arousing. It can vary from being mildly stimulating (entertaining) to very stimulating (foreplay). In some ways, it can be compared to the way daytime soaps and romance novels affect most women. In that sense, it's normal for most men to enjoy, and hence, want to view pornography.

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
I'd be opposed to a particular husband viewing pornography if there was absolutely nothing wrong with it except that it made his wife feel uncomfortable. Any violation of the Policy of Joint Agreement should be avoided. But there are reasons to avoid it, even when a wife enthusiastically agrees tor it. One of the most important is known as the "contrast effect."

If you compare one sexual experience with another, the more stimulating experience will make the less stimulating experience seem boring in comparison. If you compare one naked woman with another, the one who's more physically attractive will make the less physically attractive woman appear to be unattractive. That's why I caution men to avoid pornography because it's unfair to his wife to be compared to an 18-year-old girl who has been specially selected for her physical assets.
Here


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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TCal Offline OP
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Thanks to everyone who posted on this topic! I have a much clearer understanding of why I felt uncomfortable. Special thanks to Mr. (and Mrs.) Nice Guy. JessicaGC, Prisca, and Brainhurts were all very helpful, but it was Mr. NiceGuy's answer that really clarified it for me. Now to get my wife on board with MB and then the POJA.

God Bless you all!


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TCal ... NP .. God Bless you aswell!

smile

MNG

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I think at times, women tend to believe romantic erotica isn't the same thing as porn because there aren't actual visual images we see and it's not as "real" because it needs to be visualized in the mind. However, this is just as pornographic as watching actual porn because there are certain elements which are present in both-- the aim to increase arousal, witnessing sexual acts, etc. I say if the husband doesn't like it, stop reading it.


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