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Question?

How do I tell the difference between being her "cake" and doing things to fill the LB and meet the 10 emotional?

I had to go to her place to get shoes for our son (my need and responsibility). She asked me to bring plain vinegar to clean her dogs ear. I had to go to the store near her and she is watching our daughter overnight so i can take our son to a park early in the morning. I bought her a jar of vinegar and a pack of donuts for breakfast (same that he and I got). Said she may be in a rush so I got breakfast. She said Thank you (2x).

Being cake? Filling the LB?

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I know my WS enough to see guilt written on her face when I see her and that she knows her acts are affecting her children (espc the 5 yo). She told me he asked her the other day "Mom why did you ruin everything?". She blamed my parents bc they had been with them all night but he is a smart child and sees what is going on. He has blamed himself before frown She was angry before and telling me to get my "game face" on in front of the kids. I said I don't have one like you. (Now I have James Bond). I have a friend I will contact who is a PI and I will ask him some ?s My boss was on vacation and I work midnight shift so won't see hiim for a week until I rotate back but he is easy to get office time with and get his opinion. In speaking with him since this happened he has expressed worry over WS or even OM doing sonething (false accusations) that could cost me my job. Lies that others tell cost many cops their jobs. She and I are staying out of each others jobs bc they support the children. That "weapon" is reserved for Plan B. I feel my health paying the price and I know hers is. I believe the letter was effective and KNOW my attitude change, not crying all the time and begging her back, not texting and calling alot are already working. It may be she is happy I stopped or she may be worried I am starting to walk away and she may loose me.

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Originally Posted By: loveherafaad
Question?

How do I tell the difference between being her "cake" and doing things to fill the LB and meet the 10 emotional?

I had to go to her place to get shoes for our son (my need and responsibility). She asked me to bring plain vinegar to clean her dogs ear. I had to go to the store near her and she is watching our daughter overnight so i can take our son to a park early in the morning. I bought her a jar of vinegar and a pack of donuts for breakfast (same that he and I got). Said she may be in a rush so I got breakfast. She said Thank you (2x).

Being cake? Filling the LB?


That's ok if she eats cake. Making her happy is what will attract her back. What you can't do is allow her to disrespect you. For example, of she leaves you a voicemail and tells you to get to her house and empty her trash, you don't want to do that because it rewards disrespect and it is a sacrifice on your part.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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As far as guilt goes, it only lasts until she gets her next fix. Once she gets another OM fix, the guilt will evaporate. The feelings she gets in the affair are her refuge from the mean, cruel world where she can rationalize the affair.

She won't have that refuge if you continually cause havoc in her affair. Measures like exposure ruin the fantasy of the affair and make it harder to sustain. This is why you can't afford to pencil whip exposure. It is critical to your success. Exposure light is like bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks Melody. smile I'm learning and have not given up yet. Still working on my family to prep to forgive and welcome her back. I am fighting many fronts of the war. I feel she wants to come back and our converstion this morning was ALOT better than if we had it even a week and a half ago. Her mom is coming this weekend (my weekend) and her mom said she wants to come by to see the grandkids. DK if WS will come by. I ALWAYS made crepes, bacon and fresh ground coffee for her mom and WS when we still lived together. It will be an interesting weekend. I won't offer to make the breakfast they love but will wait to see if WS mentions anything about the visit or breakfast. I did take the key to the house last week (my birthday). I still love "My Steph" and want to see the Alien gone. Still working at it. Thanks again for all the advice.

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Melody (or anyone). Should I or when should I, ask her if she is still seeing OM (I know she lies)? Or should I get my PI friend to work?

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Originally Posted By: loveherafaad
Melody (or anyone). Should I or when should I, ask her if she is still seeing OM (I know she lies)? Or should I get my PI friend to work?

I would get him to work.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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It's easy to tell. When she treats you bad, she's talked to him and had recent contact. When she treats you better, she's been out of contact for a bit.

My recommendation on MIL: Make the big breakfast you've always made. Be friendly, courteous, approachable, and as much of your old self as you can be (which will be really hard).

The objective would hopefully be to have MIL walk out of your place and say to WW, "You're crazy. You need to seriously think about what you're doing."

I'll second the notion of the PI friend. He may be able to find OM family that may be in the States.

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Originally Posted By: helpthelostdads

I'll second the notion of the PI friend. He may be able to find OM family that may be in the States.


He can find the OM's family that lives abroad too. Or if he can't, I can look up their names in the phone book like I did with KiwiJen. For free!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sorry one more t/j.

Mel that story of KiwiJ was a trip. Thank you for calling her BH. Even after all that she would come here and post like she did nothing wrong.

Entitlement! Nope not her! crazy

No wonder your Bull Shyte sniffer is so good. Thanks again, my friend.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: loveherafaad
Question?

How do I tell the difference between being her "cake" and doing things to fill the LB and meet the 10 emotional?

I had to go to her place to get shoes for our son (my need and responsibility). She asked me to bring plain vinegar to clean her dogs ear. I had to go to the store near her and she is watching our daughter overnight so i can take our son to a park early in the morning. I bought her a jar of vinegar and a pack of donuts for breakfast (same that he and I got). Said she may be in a rush so I got breakfast. She said Thank you (2x).

Being cake? Filling the LB?



Sounds like you are getting the idea.

You know the expression, have your cake and eat it, too?

With waywards, cake-eating is when they continue their adultery while also allowing their betrayed spouse to meet some of their needs.

As Mel mentioned, this isn't all bad. You want her to eat your cake, brother. In addition to that, you want to be the BETTER cake.

You see, you are already at an advantage to her AP and/or her wayward lifestyle. You have the marital history, you are the father of her children.

What you are doing at this point is demonstrating to her that if she comes back that you will NOT make her life a living hell, and you will in fact build a BETTER marriage than it was before.

BE THE BETTER CAKE.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Thanks hold her and everyone. I will be gone all day with no computer so I will check the board and update tomm. Right now I feel like I'm stumbling when I run but I'm still running.

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Absolutely.

The difference between a good Plan A and Plan Doormat is not that you withhold cake, on the contrary shovel it out like bait. You want the inner wife strengthened by memories and you want the needs-greedy alien hooked on it too.

The true difference is the 'stick' of Plan A. Exposing. Not giving a flying hoot about the aliens anger. Fighting hard. Having self respect. Drawing a line.

While dishing out the cake, you need to be insisting that access to other cake, (the Affair) end. Plan A is about proudly being a husband, instead of allowing yourself to be sidelined and pushed out. Telling her that you do not talk divorce, you talk marriage. Running off the OM. When she acts distant or cold or downright hostile, you ignore it as the ramblings of a wayward instead of allowing it to seize control of your desperation. When she gets super offensive calmly say you insist on being treated with respect.

If she tries to bring up the 'wayward's dream' which is a future of cake eating, you squelch that idea. The WWs dream is namely that you provide FS and FC and the OM provides the other, intimate needs. It's what they all want. You would just reply that you dont talk divorce you talk marriage and that you expect her to end her affair. Don't allow her to build up any hopes of a buddy divorce where you all join together at Christmas and you and OM get along and go on camping trips together (this is what they really believe will happen!)

Usually the OM is told that you will make his life a living hell unless he backs off and that no one will accept the affair. I know you have concerns on confronting him relating to your job, but as TW said, check out your options at work. Exposure should also do the trick here.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thanks Indie. About 2 weeks ago (before James Bond entered the picture) she said she hoped we could still have family time and meals together occasionally. I told her (even when weak) "You think that I live in a fantasy world where love conquers all and something I say or do will have you come back to me. We that is Hollywood BS and a fantasy YOU live in if you think we will hang out and be BFFs after divorce. When our kids graduate there are 2 sides to the hall, when they get married there are 2 sides of the church and NOTHING says we need to sit at the same table. THAT is your fantasy and will NEVER happen!"

For some reason she got upset. Now that the new me "JB" has entered the picture and with a calm mind and everyones help I see things clearer and can see the narrow path I need to walk NOW I just need to get her to start walking it with me.

Thanks again as always.

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Actually, what you told her pre-MB was perfect, and absolutely part of Plan A.

While you are in Plan A, you should actually assume that there is contact. Plan A isn't what you do when entering recovery. I would still snoop to see how she is contacting OM.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I took our son to the park as planned. I sent her a photo text of him only so she knows we got to the park ok and text her that I would have the phone shut off most of the day to conserve batt but would check for messages once in a while in case she text but got no response for a while. She text "Thanks". Sent a pic of he and I a few hours later and then one more of just him a few hours after that. I called her as we both do so the kids could say goodnight (she has our daughter). Kept our conversation to our son having a great time today.

She text after the park closing "Send me a text when you guys get home please" I responded "I was going to anyway for your peace of mind smile we are leaving now" 13 minutes later sent her a text "poor kid is alreadey asleep". Photo text of our son asleep "safe in bed" Her response " Nice. Thanks" My last response "You're welcome"

I'm learning to keep James Bond with text statements and how many. Allowing her to text first (unless necessary) and to keep reponses pleasent and brief. I ask her how her day went at work and don't get much more into anything for now.

QUESTION for the board: I will go by the majority/best advice

Our 9 year anniversary is coming up Aug 2. I thought of getting her something small and/or personal. NOTHING that she could use with him (Gift card for a restaurant, bottle of wine etc). Maybe a nice card with handwritten memories an old or wedding photo. Thinking of a gift card for a massage and nail treatment???

Thoughts? I know the "180" said "No gifts" but wondering if it would feed the LB. If so suggestions for a gift (espc from the female forum members smile .

Considering the letter I gave her 07/08/12 and the converstion the next day (See forum thread 8 or 9)

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sorry accidently submitted:

how long should I wait before asking about our situation? Have you given any thought about our relationship? Are you still seeing him or anyone else(Caution: that ? MAY provoke anger and withdraw from LB.) What ?s should I ask and how long to wait. i don't want to push (James Bond wouldnt) but need to feel out the next steps to see if she has thoughts/needs more time (although I will insisit she NOT see him or anyone else bc that puts more nails in the coffin). Advice?
As always thanks.

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Originally Posted By: loveherafaad
I took our son to the park as planned. I sent her a photo text of him only so she knows we got to the park ok and text her that I would have the phone shut off most of the day to conserve batt but would check for messages once in a while in case she text but got no response for a while. She text "Thanks". Sent a pic of he and I a few hours later and then one more of just him a few hours after that. I called her as we both do so the kids could say goodnight (she has our daughter). Kept our conversation to our son having a great time today.

She text after the park closing "Send me a text when you guys get home please" I responded "I was going to anyway for your peace of mind smile we are leaving now" 13 minutes later sent her a text "poor kid is alreadey asleep". Photo text of our son asleep "safe in bed" Her response " Nice. Thanks" My last response "You're welcome"

I'm learning to keep James Bond with text statements and how many. Allowing her to text first (unless necessary) and to keep reponses pleasent and brief. I ask her how her day went at work and don't get much more into anything for now.

QUESTION for the board: I will go by the majority/best advice

Our 9 year anniversary is coming up Aug 2. I thought of getting her something small and/or personal. NOTHING that she could use with him (Gift card for a restaurant, bottle of wine etc). Maybe a nice card with handwritten memories an old or wedding photo. Thinking of a gift card for a massage and nail treatment???

Thoughts? I know the "180" said "No gifts" but wondering if it would feed the LB. If so suggestions for a gift (espc from the female forum members smile .

Considering the letter I gave her 07/08/12 and the converstion the next day (See forum thread 8 or 9)



You're in Plan A sir, so yes on the anniversary gift. What kind of gifts does she like? What was successful when you were dating or first married?

How's the PI coming on finding information on the OM?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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[quote=indiegirl]Absolutely.

The difference between a good Plan A and Plan Doormat is not that you withhold cake, on the contrary shovel it out like bait. You want the inner wife strengthened by memories and you want the needs-greedy alien hooked on it too.

The true difference is the 'stick' of Plan A. Exposing. Not giving a flying hoot about the aliens anger. Fighting hard. Having self respect. Drawing a line.

While dishing out the cake, you need to be insisting that access to other cake, (the Affair) end. Plan A is about proudly being a husband, instead of allowing yourself to be sidelined and pushed out. Telling her that you do not talk divorce, you talk marriage. Running off the OM. When she acts distant or cold or downright hostile, you ignore it as the ramblings of a wayward instead of allowing it to seize control of your desperation. When she gets super offensive calmly say you insist on being treated with respect.

If she tries to bring up the 'wayward's dream' which is a future of cake eating, you squelch that idea. The WWs dream is namely that you provide FS and FC and the OM provides the other, intimate needs. It's what they all want. You would just reply that you dont talk divorce you talk marriage and that you expect her to end her affair. Don't allow her to build up any hopes of a buddy divorce where you all join together at Christmas and you and OM get along and go on camping trips together (this is what they really believe will happen!)

Usually the OM is told that you will make his life a living hell unless he backs off and that no one will accept the affair. I know you have concerns on confronting him relating to your job, but as TW said, check out your options at work. Exposure should also do the trick here.
[/quote

The part about camping with the affair partner is absolutely true.
Most waywards also want an "open marriage"
Lol. Silly crazy waywards

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My letter I gave her is actually on page 2. Sorry

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