Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 13 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 12 13
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
She picked up our kids after work (I work overnight). She was in a better mood. I helped with the car seat. We joked a little (I know laughter brings great memories for her). I told her she looks nice and she said thank you. I gave our son a piggy back ride to the car and she FUBALLY showed concern for my injured foot. "You should'nt do that. What about your foot?". I still gave him the ride. I'm that kind of father that he comes first (would have done it if WS was with me or not).

She left and text me asking if I can watch her dog while she takes the kids to get her brother early next month (he has surgery coming up and WS is going with his GF and since I work she needs to leave early to get him and has to take the kids as my parents will be gone). I'm sure she will not take OM bc she will have our son. I text her "I can do that for you no prob" WS "Thanks" ME "You're welcome just remind me when it gets close". Nothing further. I will call to say goodnight to the kids and see if she talks what she says.

I am doing every effort to give carrot sticks and deposit coins in the love bank. I will not offer lunch again for at least a week and will see how other things go before offering other family time. I need to "feel her out". Like INDIEGIRL said. No use in asking her about OM. I don't know how long I can hold out but as long as he is in the picture to ANY degree that definately affects the length of time I will try to make our marriage work.

Still in it to win it - Loveherafaad

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Another good show of a H Plan A'ing from afar, but keep in mind they don't think she's still involved with OM.

Tell us what you think.
Radio clip of Plan A'ing from afar
Segment #2
Segment #3


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
LH is now in Plan B. He is using his family as drop off points for pickups and drop-offs and I'm his IM. She's having kittens about it and is having the standard WW reaction to being told that I'm the IM and that LH won't communicate with her or be around her anymore.

I won't post more than that on this thread because it would be in violation of my role as IM and in shielding LH from the WW crazyness.

I'm off to the other areas to post there and would like to have some pointers and guidance from anyone who is an IM or has done it before.

I think I set my boundaries clear. I told her that LH won't communicate with her unless she either stops seeing OM and ends her affair or if they divorce. He'll only talk to her under those conditions.

There was some alienspeak coming from her end in response, but some hard truth doled out on my part, as a former BH, put her in her place with harsh truth and no raising of my voice. Plain hard truth did the trick.

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
LH already knows this part:

She said she wouldn't take part in this and participate with a 3rd party in regards to the kids.

I told her that the courts would not object to this since they do the same thing with a parenting coordinator which pretty much does what I'm doing. I told her that how she feels about this is irrelevant because this is how LH wishes to deal with communications about the kids from here on out. I let her know that I will not be passing anything to LH that doesn't have to do with logistics unless she wants me to pass on that she's ending her A and agrees to NC.

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
LH will post later, but he's fried emotionally. He called me and told me he can't Plan A anymore. He feels totally drained and it kills him that this affair is ongoing and she shows no sign of the situation changing.

He wanted to go to Plan D but I convinced him that he had nothing to lose by doing Plan B first. He got his family on board, got me as his IM and is planning on being dark.

I told him not to make me look like a fool by breaking silence. I instructed him that he's not to see her, talk to her, answer her VM, calls, or emails. He's coming over later tonight so that I can forward all his emails to my account and filter them for him. I advised him to write a Plan B letter, but he said he wasn't writing another one.

So I made it clear to WW what the conditions for resuming contact were: End affair, agree to NC.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
This was my day. I picked my kids up from her place (outside) and talked to her stating that I can't go on like this with her still seeing him (she did not say she broke it off so I know she is still seeing OM as I suspected).

I spoke with a lawyer regarding a separation agreement and another lawyer regarding the cost of a mediator and divorce. I know him well so he pointed me in the right low cost direction. I wrote the information down.

When she came to pick the kids up I told her I needed 5 minutes of her time to talk. She said we can't solve our problems in 5 minutes. I told her I can say what I need in 5 minutes. Upstairs away from the children I told her that I love her and care for her. Since she moved out i have made significant changes and drastically improved my problems. In the last week I have been nice and kind, showing her the loving faithful husband and the husband I always should have been and will be forever if she comes back. I told her I always was a great father so i did'nt need to change that.

SHe said "What can I say to make it clearer what I want" (still can't say the word divorce). I told her fine and told her that I spoke with a lawyer today and a mediator was $250 each and a no contest divorce related to adultery was about $2,000 and could be settled in as little as 2 months. I gave her the informationand told her if that is what you really want then make the calls. Before she went downstairs I asked her if she thinks she will regret it, tears welled up in her eyes and I could'nt even remember her response.

When she left I helped put the kids in the car, hugged and kissed them and said goodnight then left.

I called helpthelostdads and told him I'm ready for Plan B. We talked about it and he called her (no answer). I told him to text her to check her VM. Within 20-30 minutes she called me (I did'nt answer and she left a VM that I did not check). She knows I get up for work at 6 pm and called again at 6:20 (I did'nt answer) and left another VM. I did;nt check that. Help will check them later without me around. I;m sure she is threatening divorce or worse but she already told me that is what she wants so I am prepared.

Any thoughts/advice??? Thanks as always.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Why has Plan B been implemented so early? I don't really understand the reason for that?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Ummmm, what happened in 24 hours that you decided to enter Plan B? It's not that I don't applaud people for being in PB, I often have to encourage people to do it, I'm just really curious.

There are really HARD days in Plan A. There is also a high point where you start to see changes. Plan A is suggested for so long for BH's because you essentially have to win the WW back. Do you think that you have achieved that?

Also, you haven't even finished exposing yet, right? Have you found OM's family yet?

I just don't understand. For BH's, DrH suggests about 6 MONTHS of Plan A, you have done DAYS, and I don't know how effective you were at meeting ENs, etc. Have you read ALL of the FREE material on the site?

Did you give your WW a PBL? Was it on this thread for editing?

Sorry, but I don't think Plan B was the right choice for you, ATM. I think you were at a low point of Plan A, but we could have helped you through that. Have you read GJM's thread(BrainHurts, where are ya with the link? wink ).


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
She refuses to break contact with OM. They are playing the game they want to play. Her family does NOT care neither does she. He and his wife do not care AT ALL. I told her I left her alone stopped texting and calling alot and she replied that instead I called her family (suggested by the forum and I asked them both for help but when refused, ask they not tell her knowing they still would). I told her yes because I'm trying to save our marriage.

She always reinforces that she wants a divorce (but still can't use the word) but uses every excuse not to get one. When I saw her this afternoon I told her that she needs to stop seeing him to focus on us. We can make it work and I love her very much. I refuse to allow her to continue to see him and cake me. I have hit my wall that is it. When she had the affair and lied then broke it off I was ok. Then she lied and slept with OM and ON MY BIRTHDAY. I drew a line in the sand. Retracted on advice of the forum and she just ate it up. My wife (and the alien in charge) are unusual in personality. When she makes a decision she has to much pride to retract even if she was depressed and knew she made a mistake. I have NEVER known her to apologize even when wrong.

If she wants me back I have told her calmly and enough times that I am here. She says that "What have I not said clearly what I want".

My wife before and after has always been hardheaded. There are MANY great qualities in her that I miss and love but she knows that she is playing me and seems to be enjoying it. I have had enough. My current job with ALL of the weight of the job, WS situation, children friend and family is weighing on me heavily. My health is failing and I need to focus on my children and job. She is welcome back until the divorce papers hit the table and I sign the last line. This is the ONLY thing my wife will understand (My Steph and WS both).

I do appreciate all advice from the forum but different people can only put up with different amounts of this stress. I know she regrets what she did but she could do this forever because OM and WS don't care. This will stress them both bc he will have to fill all her needs she wants met or she will suffer without them. She has emotionally drained me since the start and if I don't back of entirely the stress of it all will be to much. I will make it with or without her and she knows it. She also knows that I want "My Steph" back and will wait as long as it takes AS LONG as there is no OM in the picture.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Of course your WW was still in contact with OM, that was a GIVEN. That's why you were in Plan A. It IS stressful. It is EXTREMELY stressful.

I don't see any answers to the questions about if you read all of the material. I don't see answers to the question about the PBL.

If your WW knows that you will sit around and wait, forever, what is her motivation to stop being wayward?

Did you win her back? Did you make her a better option than OM? Did you leave her with the best impression you possibly could?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
If you genuinely have hit a wall, then you should protect your lovebank.

But reading your above post it seems like she made the decision more than you. She did this/she said/she won't.

That's waywards. That's a typical wayward.

You ignore them and you work YOUR plan.

You will be in Plan B for up to two years. Or forever if she never comes around.

Will you be satisfied with a one-week Plan A when you haven't seen her for months and the D is about to be final?

I think you wanted to D her for a reaction.

But instead you decided to Plan B her for her reaction.

You need to put aside that need for a reaction and work on what's logical.


Like I said, Plan B is appropriate if you just can't take any more at all.

If you are so strung out that you won't feel any differently next week or next month or regret doing a minimum Plan A then it is indeed best to bow out.

You won't be able to avoid lovebusting and you will start to hate her so then recovery is destroyed.

Or was it just a bad day? I'm not sure why you were expecting a good response from a wayward one week in Plan A. That expectation may have set you up for a fall.

She's an addict now and will not respond to you.

Responses are impossible without NC.

Like trying to get sense before the drunk chick is sober.

Last edited by indiegirl; 07/12/12 08:18 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Guys, he's been at this since April.

He's done. He can't deal with the reality that she's with someone else and it is tearing him up inside. She's been cake eating and all of this has been feeding the fantasy of the amicable D.

He's at his wall and does want to save things, but the pain is too great to deal with in the current state.

I fully support what he's doing and I'm his IM.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
HTLD's, I appreciate that you are close to this, and that you are seeing it at ground level. You brought him to the forum, and I assumed it was to get advice from others, as well as yourselves. Also, I think it may become counter-productive for you to pop in and speak for him. We need to gauge his emotional well being, and such through his posts. You can't do the work for him. We can't do this work for him, all we can do, is point him to DrH's words.

I think that Loveher had a rough patch in PA, and needed support to stick to it until he could properly implement PB. Just my opinion.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
He's sitting right beside me reading. Basically says he's tired of her banging him.

He can't deal with that anymore and it hurts like hell to be around her and interact with her and get full of feeling led on.

He's done with that.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Please read this as Scotty suggested before going into Plan B.

GJM's Thread


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
But I'll throttle back on posting on his behalf. I talk to him regularly, so we can share thoughts on the advice given,which I normally back for the most part and I'm always telling him to not just take my word for it but run it by the forum to see what others think.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Please read this as Scotty suggested before going into Plan B.

GJM's Thread

Did you see this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
I read the link and feel empathy for GJM. I have just hit my wall. To know that she is stil seeing him (when I mentioned her not seeing him to work on us she never said she wasn't so it's easy to know she is) and cake eating from me is enough!

She left vm that she will NOT use an IM and that we will use a legitimate moderator (again not mentioning divorce) and to call her when I'm ready to talk. Like the millions of times I asked you to call to talk. She thinks she is giving orders now. Funny she is not in my chain of command.

HLD said what WS told him is typical of WS when BH goes to Plan B."Fine you want XYZ you got it" "I need more stuff out of the house" Talk, talk, talk. I stil DO NOT want a divorce from her but tired of her doing OM, NOT getting papers she insists she wants and letting me fill her fantasy of a buddy, buddy divorce (when yes she won't get the divorce papers). I'm done with the lies and Host actions. If she wants to stay married she needs to ditch him and have a honest talk with me. All I can tell her (can't bc I'm in Plan B) is tick tock tick tock.

As a divorced and remarried friend told me (victim of her BFF being the OW) "You are a nice guy who treats her well and you truly love her but someday you will just be done. I can't tell you when or why you will just have had enough and be done."

STILL love "My Steph" afaad

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Do you think you've done everything possible?

You can walk away and have no regrets?

How long have you been in a real Plan A?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
Real Plan A for about a month. I could Plan A for a LOOONG time IF she was not seeing anyone. That is the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. She is playing a emotional game with me and I am a man of priciple (hence my STILL being faithful to her and our marriage). Plan B is necessary fo rme to emotionally split form her.

If she divorced me I could hold my head up high and always tell my children that I love "My Steph" and tried everything possible but WS did not want it. I honestly tried counseling (she was not into it), apologies, changes in the behaviors that were a cause of the separation, putting deposits in the love bank, being a thoughtful and loving husband, forgiving her for having an affair with the OM (2X!), listening to her and understanding her needs, willing to work through her horrible lies and rebuild the trust, defending her to friends and family without fail and always telling her I want the marriage to work and truly do love her.

Will I have regrets if she leaves? Who would'nt? Will she? I'm sure she does now and has for a while. I'm sure the guilt is eating her up. She has to much pride to say she was wrong and if she is later sad bc she lost my love then it is her own fault. She knows that if she divorces it is over and I will NOT leave another person (at the point that I start seeing someone) even if she begs me to come back and even if she says it's for the childrens sake. She knows I could not hurt someone (including causing her pain) like that.

This is a living Hell!

Page 8 of 13 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 12 13

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (MishellLarson), 31 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MishellLarson, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,565
Members71,683
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5