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AI, please know that we are sending our hope and positive energy your way. Stay strong!! You can do this. If he is willing to do all that he says he is doing, and willing to continue to put all the effort he is putting in, it will be worth it!!! He sounds like he has gotten it on a different level. That is at least some progress, right? The fears you are feelng right now are normal. You are strong enough to face them. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Remember, you draw the line, take care of yourself. If he crosses the line, you will handle it, otherwise you are making progress. Thank you for the support.
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It's a beautiful day here. I'm going to try and figure out some way to enjoy it. AI, that is good, self care and all that. Forgive me if this has already been covered but did you get some ADs? I really think you will need them. You must take very good care of yourself (lots of treats) and Plan B must be ready for you to implement at a moment's notice. I am super worried about you. Your 'paralysed' comment caused my blood to run a bit cold. I think there is a lot more pain to come. No, I'm not taking anything. I don't know if I need them, but I was thinking about asking for a prescription for anti-anxiety meds. I feel paralyzed by this giant ball of stress sitting in my chest. I have a pre-existing problem with anxiety anyway... AI, I didn't think I needed ADs or AA meds but also was having a rough time. I went ahead and got on them and I have to say I am much clearer on decision making and able to see the big picture better. I feared going on them would show a weakness, but they have made me stronger. You may consider the ADs. My doc gave me both and I take the AD daily and it has even helped me fall asleep easier. My brain would run a mile a minute when I laid down. For the nights I still couldn't turn my brain off, I used the AA med. Something to consider.
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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Al,
I am not a vet and have stayed on the sidelines watching your story. However I know exactly where you are at. I got the whole enchilada including trickle truth, FR, lies upon lies. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I want to encourage you to keep your standards HIGH. I mean not bending 1mm in any direction on your requirements.
The FR was nearly the end of us. We are rising out of the ashes slowly. Many days of ups and downs.
I want to encourage you to keep the bar high and focus on yourself. You will be glad you did. Once I really adopted the thought process that I can ONLY control myself (I mean REALLY internalized it), things got so much easier. You cannot pull him up the recovery mountain.
As the good Dr says 'the road to recovery is a very narrow one'.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Stay strong and stay true to yourself.
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Here's the thing AI. You've been running on adrenaline and shock up to this point. It probably hasn't really sunk in yet just what your new life is going to be. You're just now starting to understand that your old life was riddled with dishonesty and meanness that's hard to imagine. You've wanted to 'win' him back and that competitive spirit has been driving you.
I believe it's Melody Lane who has said that the trickiest thing in recovery is the betrayed spouse's resentment. You're going to feel terrible rage and depression at some point after the initial adrenaline wears off.
This might be why people have been so tough about the failure of your wayward to adhere strictly to EP's. He hasn't been 100% in the recovery game with you and this is going to eat at you over time. And if he adds any other violations, you will find yourself thinking about it for months and months past what's happening now.
Please focus on taking good care of yourself. You can only manage him so much. You shouldn't have to be a watchdog or babysitter for him. You cannot live like that forever. Get ready for the pain to intensify and to get a very sick feeling when you look at him. Every time he violates the agreement you've made with each other, you're going to come crashing into a mountain of other grievances.
I really hope he can reform himself and be the husband he promised to be when he married you. You shouldn't have to work so hard to police him or keep him and the truth is, you're not going to want to work that hard very soon. The focus should really be on you, not him. ITA. get the ADs.
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This is what I posted on TRT thread. Do not sign custody like that, there is no court that will give him even close to that. It is delusional. Ok, news flash. (from somebody with experience in custody battles with serial cheating personality disordered waywards).
When the court or custody evaluator decides, you are going to get MUCH MUCH MUCH less time with your kids.
Fact is that parents like you are much more likely to emotionally and physically neglect and abuse their children. There is an overwhelming amount of evidence out there.
I'm rooting for you and I'm rooting for your marriage, but you need a mirror here, what you have in mind for custody is not going to happen. That is simply NOT in the best interest of the kids.
This is custody cake eating.
In addition, if you can't make your marriage work, it will only proof that you are unable to change and an unfit parent.
This is a delusional and selfish perspective on what is best for your children.
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Even Dr. Harley recommends ADs.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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ai, how are you doing today. please tell me you went to the doctor. there is no shame in ADs or AAs if you NEED them. and you do. {{{{{AI}}}}}
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Thanks everybody.
Letty, I'm doing terribly today. I have done my best, and everything still sucks.
Tomorrow is another day, I suppose.
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Thanks everybody.
Letty, I'm doing terribly today. I have done my best, and everything still sucks.
Tomorrow is another day, I suppose. Are you going to get into your doctor for some ADs?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thanks everybody.
Letty, I'm doing terribly today. I have done my best, and everything still sucks.
Tomorrow is another day, I suppose. ok, today sucked. some days do, more than others. i imagine you're going to have many, which is why the AD/AAs are so important. tomorrow is, as scarlett said, another day. go to bed, get up tomorrow, and just try to get through. like you said before, sometimes it's minute by minute. post here. posting during my worst times helped me a lot. {{{{AI}}}} <__consider that a goodnight hug.
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AI, talk to us. What's going on?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Thanks everybody.
Letty, I'm doing terribly today. I have done my best, and everything still sucks.
Tomorrow is another day, I suppose. 1. How much weight have you lost? 2. How many nightly hours of sleep have you averaged in the last 2 weeks? 3. Are you able to concentrate while driving? 4. Are you having thought that go like this ~~~> "Life is too painful, let me off."
Please respond, thanks.
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What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I am so worried about you, AI. I think you can definitely be confident that what is broken cannot be fixed. He cannot be who you need him to be. That is not your fault. You have given him more chances than he deserves. You deserve better! Plan B will bring you peace and rest.
Hugs!!
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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I am going to gently disagree with TinT.
I believe humans have potential to be redeemed. Over time. With work. With help. Only if they are humble and surrender.
I also know that until a very angry man has proven he has changed for the long term, he should not be allowed to harm the family.
EDIT TO ADD:
I also know for a fact that some humans are so resistant to change that their family must take protective measures .... sometimes forever.
Last edited by Pepperband; 07/13/12 10:49 AM.
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If he truly can fix himself, he needs to honor her wish for him to leave, go do the work himself, and come back when he can stop abusing her. She doesn't need her abuser to stay there and she shouldn't feel like his abuse is her fault. He has proven to her that he hasn't changed.
But until he makes that change, what is broken, their marriage, cannot be fixed. That's what I meant by broken. And right now he can't be the man she needs him to be while he continues to abuse her on a daily basis.
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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If he truly can fix himself, he needs to honor her wish for him to leave, go do the work himself, and come back when he can stop abusing her. EGG ZAK LEE !!!
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If he truly can fix himself, he needs to honor her wish for him to leave, go do the work himself, and come back when he can stop abusing her. EGG ZAK LEE !!! 
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,499
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Thank you all for your support and concern. It means a lot to me.
I don't feel safe posting here right now. It's very clear that anything I say, and anything you all say to me, has the potential to be used against me by him.
I'm trying to get my head around some things and will try to post again later.
Peoperband: I've lost about 15lbs since this started. I started forcing myself to eat after the poly and it seems to have stabilized now.
I'm okay driving. I love driving. It makes me happy.
I don't feel like I'm in so much pain I just want to get off. I do often feel like I'm in so much pain it might just kill me...like my heart is just going to stop. I think that's an anxiety thing.
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Have you requested him to leave today? You are becoming quite ill being in a house with him.
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