I have been exactly where your H is.

I was waiting for my WH to behave in the way that best case scenario waywards on this forum behave. Pulling out ALL THE STOPS. Making it their life's work to recover their M's and do everything that is humanly possible, whatever it takes, to heal their BS's from the pain they had caused.

He didn't do it.

He committed to R. He had NC with any of his previous AP's. He gave me complete transparancy. He followed any EP's I put in place.

He did NOT seem to put any effort into reading MB materials, principles, forums, etc. or educating himself on what it would take to recover our M (I did). He did NOT post on these forums (I did). He did NOT come to ME and say 'are there any details about the A's I have had that you need to know that you have not had answered?' (there were, only every time I brought it up he seemed so put off by the fact that I would continue to bring this up that I felt guilty for doing so and therefore I didn't bring them up and they festered). Although we had discussed him taking a poly many times he did NOT go forth and make a poly appt and take one. He did NOT pull out all the stops. He did NOT 'chase me' and make me feel like he was 100% enthusiastic about our R and dedicated to doing whatever he could to heal me and make me the treasure of his life.

I, in turn, continued to lose love for him because of this. I got to the point where I was apathetic about him. I wasn't mad anymore, or considerably hurt. I just wanted it to be over.

I am not sure what accumulation of events happened to turn him around. He did and now he is finally driving the recovery bus. He is coming to me to plan UA time, discuss our EN's and how well we are meeting them, make sure he is doing the right things. HE is making sure our UA time is met, not me. HE is planning our dates, not me. HE researched, made an appt for, and took a poly. HE, is driving the recovery bus, not me.

I felt like my WH did not take it seriously. I felt like he did not expend all his effort to recover this M. He expended some, like I said. But I wanted to see efforts of GRAND proportions. I wanted to feel like our M, our recovery, my healing was the #1 thought on his mind every day. And I did not. I felt the efforts he was making were efforts that anyone would make to sustain a good M, not efforts a TRULY REPENTANT WS who had completely devastated his spouse would make to make amends. That is the difference.

I don't think its too late for you, but you must act fact, because once I was in the state your H is in, I was ready to go.

Have you made recovery your #1 goal in life? Have you pulled out all the stops and done everything your BH could ever need to heal from this? Have you answered all of his questions openly and honestly, have you maintained complete NC, have you followed all EP's to the T? Have you proactively discussed his feelings about this, planned UA time and been adamant about following through with it, planned date nights, made him feel like making amends to him is the foremost thought on your mind? Have you worked your A$$ off to meet his most important needs?

I am guessing a big NO to those questions since one of his simplest requests, that you continue to post here, seems to have been too much for you.

Did you say ^^^ to your BH? I hope not.

br, my husband and i both have discussed how in some ways, certain aspects of our marriage are better than before. i am not the only one that feels that way. he has told me the same thing. is that bad??

ml, i asked my husband what things i could do that would made him feel the most loved. he thought it was a great question and wanted to think about it today and discuss tonight.

he thinks i do not have a plan.

mb, my husband asked me what my plan was. i told him marriage builders principles, step up my meeting his emotional needs, increase ua, and make amends with his family. he didnt seem satisfied with that. he hasnt actually said anything about his plan. he feels that i should be the one driving the recovery. which i do agree with.

bh, thanks so much for the suggestion of writing it down. i definately took notes! it all prety much boiled down to him seeing me making effort and being proactive (besides the meeting his emotional needs). he liked seeing me make notes. thanks again.

Also, my H would ask me every day "Is there anything I can do for you today?" That level of concern & care DEMONSTRATED on a consistent daily

bh, i am stepping up my efforts in driving this revocery train to a happy and fulfilling marriage with my wonderful husband.

bh, i am posting on marriage builders, currently reading hnhn, proactively asking him if his needs are being met. i printed up a calendar yesterday to start scheduling ua time. i am currently working on finding a baby sitter(we have never had a babysitter and our families live out of town). i have made plans for our date night next saturday. we are going to do something we have never done before and i think we both would enjoy. recreational activities have never really been an issue for us. we both enjoy much of the same things. we made a list last night of things we can do after the kids go to bed. we have been doing puzzles but are getting burned out on that. is there anything else you suggest i should be doing??