My best friend, a guy I have known for more than 15 years found out this week that his wife had been carrying on an affair with co-worker for the last 13 months. A golfing buddy of his saw them (the cheating wife & her lover) all over each other in a hotel parking garage and he followed them into the hotel. He was able to take some photos and even a short video with his iPhone. My Friend "Peter" 31 y/o (not his real name) and his wife "Rachel" 30 y/o (not her real name) have been married over 6 years, they have two wonderful kids, one just turned 4, the other just turned 2. My best friends golfing buddy "Bryan" called Peter on Tuesday evening and broke the news to him. When Rachel arrived home at 11pm Tuesday night, Peter confronted her with the pictures and video that Bryan had taken. He demanded an explanation; an hour long discussion between Peter and Rachel ensued with her admitting to this 13 month affair with a co-worker (he�s not married). The most hurtful revelation in this conversation was her admission that she had got pregnant by her lover and subsequently had an abortion. Shortly after midnight on Wednesday morning Peter called me and asked me if I could come over, he said he tell what was going when I arrived. Having just fallen asleep I quickly dressed and drove the 15 minutes to his house to find Rachel carrying out a suitcase. She didn�t make eye contact with and only said �Hi� to me. I had a bad feeling in my gut. Peter greeted me at the front door and her car pulled away.
He started with �Rachel has been having an affair�. I was just stunned. Over the next several hours until the sun came up we talked with me doing almost all the listening. I observed 2 rules during our long talk: One, �Shut up and listen�; Two, �Don�t offer an opinion unless directly asked to do so.� He poured his guts out to me the rest of the night. Here is my best friend, a proud and loyal man and pillar of strength and stability reduced to tears. The salient points of their hour long talk were
1) She would move out that night, she did.
2) The kids would stay with him.
3) Details of the affair and why.
4) Their future.


As the Sun began to shine in the living room; he asked me, what do I do now? Wow. Like a bullet it�s you. I told him I would help him in any way I could. I told him to give it 2 weeks, to let all of this sink in. I said you ought to make your children your #1 priority right now and to take a leave of absence from work. I asked him whether he was inclined to file for divorce or try and work it out with Rachel. He stated he inclined to file for divorce and I quickly and completely agreed with his position. I suggested that he talk to a divorce lawyer as soon as possible. I also told him that he needed to call his Dad and Stepmom this morning and bring them into the loop.

Thanks for reading the story: Now I ask all of you,

What else can I do to help my best friend?

What can I expect as his best friend in the days and weeks ahead?

Any advice/comments, or if I need to add clarification are welcome. Positive or negative feedback is welcome so long as it is done in a constructive manner. That means helping Me, Peter, and his kids see this through.

PS: Peter has helped me through tough times in the past and I�m going stand shoulder to shoulder with him.

MidwestBoy

I will not consider myself a Veteran here but I have some comments to make....
Perhaps I will get some disagreement here... I know unfortunately exactly what it is like to be in your friend's shoes. Twice, 20 years apart. Your support can help him but it can also hinder him.
Bring him here and then hold yourself in the background - a back yard cook out at your place for he and the kids would be a good thing.
BUT...
God helps those who help themselves and he needs to step up and come here and you can bring him here, set up an account and let him take over.
AND...
Remeber when he does grow angry, it might be hard for him to ever find pride in his wife again if you his best friend have every detail of the struggle and have heard every criticism.
In fact, I dare say that every time he criticizes his wife to you, it will make it that much harder for him to find pride in his marriage in the future.
Honestly now, has Mom been left alone to care for the kids while he played golf in all his free time? That might have to change in the future.
I strongly suggest that he must take the active role here and you must not be caught in the middle.
Just my thoughts.

Blessings,
Hurting Turkey
ME: BS 57
WW:51

MB,

Since his WW is not in the house, OM needs to be Taken down first, not by violence, but by exposing him at work, to his family, to his church and whoever else is important to him.

Get the names and contact numbers for all those people do it now gather his list of facebook friends before he shuts that down. Speak with his supervisor at work!

God Bless
Gamma

Your a good friend Midwest Boy. Is there any way your friend Peter will come here?

He can get invaluable advice on these forums.

He can learn how to try and bust up this affair and save his marriage, if that is something he is interested in doing.

He can also learn how to protect himself while he goes through divorce, if that is his decision.

Either way he will have support from many people who have been exactly where he is.

MB,

One other quick point you need to search for a current girlfriend or fiance of OM.

God Bless
Gamma

Exposure is the best way to kill the affair, and there can't be marital recovery until the affair is DEAD.

Also, the WW will need to agree to NC for LIFE, which will most definitely include quitting her job.

Has your friend spoken to an attorney? Does he know his legal rights? He should find them out ASAP. He should find out if he should file for separation to protect his and his children's rights.

In the meantime, he also needs to implement Plan A.

There is a link in my siggy that helps guide posters through this site.

Wow this BH has some good friends. A video! Most BSs would kill for that kind of proof. He's saved him from a lot of pain. Your concern is also great.

Would he post here? Only other BSs know what it is like.

His 'what do I do now' question, is the question that BSs have asked through the ages.

Unfortunately he won't get his answer for some time. Around here BSs are told not to make any permanent decisions for six months.

It takes that long for the shock to wear off. The pain is horrendous.

He could find in x months' time that he can't do without her.

He could also find that he simply never really knew her and has no interest in recovering. Recovery is hard work.

I will say this. Recovery is possible when the WS puts in 200 per cent effort to undo the damage they caused.

And your friend won't know for some time what he really wants. And he will have no experience in how to judge the trustworthyness of an adulterer. People here do.

If he wants to work the plans here, the plans will keep his options open while he works through it.

The choices are personal recovery or marital recovery.

They both take a long time and Dr Harleys plans need to be followed exactly. It's a plan that uses logic, not emotion.

Its a nice, solid thing to cling to when your heart has been minced.

Oh and tell your friend to look into getting ADs if needed. He needs to get his world in order and he will need a clear head. There's no need to be a hero if he's struggling..

He should also get a DNA test on the two year old.

Get him on this forum. He needs his own thread.

He needs to expose.

Especially to their workplace.
Exposure 101

To all,

Thanks for messages. I will continue to reading them.

Forgive me as I don't quite understand many of the abbreviations being used by some of you. I can say that Peter is doing very well for all s&^# that has hit the fan in the last 2 1/2 days. He is not feeling sorry for himself, but is focusing his efforts on the decisions that need to be made in the coming days, weeks and months.

I want to address some questions/comments posed by some and post some new updates.(in no particular order).

First is that nobody in his circle of friends and family, with the exception of some 12 people know about this so far. She (Rachel) is not causing any problems (I wanna see my kids right now issues), and that is a huge relief to all of us.

Second: He was consulting a divorce attorney this morning; I don't know what she has said to him. If anyone can offer more insight here that would be appreciated. Peter is of the opinion that he can negotiate a custody agreement and a divorce settlement with Rachel without involving the courts. But he is not going to push for a quick divorce this as long as she is keeping her distance from him and the kids.

Third: After spending hours talking over the last few days I can tell you that he is worried about the survival of his children and himself....and not his marriage. There is unanimous agreement among the group (12 or so that know about this) that his marriage is not salvageable, and most importantly Peter is of the same thinking. He made several points to me as to why he is of this thinking. First, that she did not confess her infidelity and that he had to approach her with evidence. Second, is the length of the infidelity, 13 months isn't a one night stand. Third, is the fact that she managed to get pregnant during the affair.

Fourth: I�m going drop subtle hints that he might start looking for help on internet message boards�like this. I wouldn�t count on me getting him up here anytime soon though.

Fifth: Peter has spent much of the last few years traveling for work, and I suppose that maybe he neglected his wife emotions at times. "Hurtingturkey" made the incorrect assumption that Peter is too busy playing golf to spend time with his family�.that�s simply not the case. Peter is on indefinite (paid) Leave of Absence from his work. He told me that he may very well start an early retirement should he get the kids on full-time basis. He could live comfortably for years on his investments and savings. I know that he�s moved nearly all liquid assets to offshore banks and he has dual citizenship, as do his kids.

Sixth: He way more upset with his wife than her lover. Peter is playing an angle, and doesn�t want either of them to get fired from their employment, at least just yet.

Seventh: Peter and I did have the same thought as �tryingeverything�, Rachel has assured Peter (during their hour long talk) that he is father of both children and he is believes that is the case as do I.

Thanks to all of you: I will update again sometime over weekend please keep your comments coming.

MidwestBoy

This will help out.
Acronyms and Abbreviations

It still couldn't hurt.
DNA Testing

I wouldn't count on that to continue. WWs are notoriously scrappy in divorces. If she is also left to her lover she will get more wayward and come under his influence more.



Never trust a wayward. Particularly one whose affair will be left undisturbed. She'll get worse over time as that addiction deepens.

Betrayed spouses are usually advised to segregate finances immediately. Waywards spend cash like water. Life savings gone in a heartbeat.



Then he is a sensible man. That is the priority.

She will change a lot as the A deepens. This is confusing for kids.

One of the main MB tenets of exposure includes exposure to the children so they can protect themselves from being lied to.

Particularly about the trustworthyness of moms new love and so they don't listen to the lies being told about Dad.

If protection of the children is paramount, a loser stepdad does not fit into that picture. � man who goes after a married woman is not to be trusted. Do you know what the figures for children abused by stepdads and mom's boyfriends are like? Not good.

Your friend has every right to get a D(ivorce) once the dust has settled and he is sure. He may well be as decided as you make him out to be. Pregnancy is often a deal breaker.

A lot of BSs do however feel crazy to even suggest to caring friends that they think about maintaining the family and recovery. Its his call.

But if a D is the plan, why protect the affair? Why protect OM?

To appease them into a friendly settlement?

That is a very common BH (betrayed husband) strategy and it pretty much never works.

Usually because they underestimate how down and dirty waywards are - how a woman who was a cherished wife can get so degraded given time.

Its also a fatal mistake thinking the OM meant nothing personal against your friend. FATAL. He sees him as less than a man, will encourage his wife to take every penny she can get and he will never deal respectfully with the kids whose family he destroyed.

Appeasement of waywards never works.

I'm not sure why you would drop hints about this forum, just show it to him, or send him this thread.

If he likes Dr Hs ideas, its his call.

Midwestboy, you sound like a very good friend and he is lucky to have you. Please send him here to us so we can help him. We have experience doing this, so we can walk him through the steps that will serve to protect him in the most effective way. He is making some strategic mistakes and we can help him avoid those pitfalls.

He may or may not save his marriage, but in the meantime, we can help him take steps that will keep his options open in case he decides to save his marriage.

MB,

How much information do you have on OM, since potentially he is in line to be a step father you have to do at least a criminal background check on him.

The statistics on step parents are rather grim when it comes to abuse and neglect. I suspect if you look at the sub-population in affair based marriages it must be even worse.

God Bless
Gamma

MWB, you mentioned that he may be open to posting or getting online help. Get him to read this thread that you started for him right now and let him see for himself that he has a real life/real time support system that is here for him that, hey, actually works. Just ask him to read your thread.

Where he takes it from there is up to him.

Your friend is lucky to have you. Can you please get him to start a thread on this forum. MB is a lifeline during a time of emotional trauma, it is a wonderful place for advice, encouragement and support. We have all walked in his shoes and know the pain he is feeling, we also have many former wayward spouses who offer invaluable insight and advice.

MB will help your friend with his personal recovery and marital recovery if he chooses. It is really early days to decide whether he wants to save his marriage, he needs to give himself time to come to terms with and deal with the pain of betrayal before he makes that decision. He will however receive support whatever he decides.

If you could direct him to the notable posts section there are many threads with useful information. There is also a thread with abbreviations which you will find useful.

Many BS find posting healing as they can express their thoughts and feelings knowing others understand their emotions. Reading other threads also helps provide clarity and an insight into wayward behaviour.

Why would anyone believe a proven liar. DNA paternity test is a must.

MWB, we're glad you're here and you sound like a wonderful friend. However, it's going to be hard for you to be objective since you're so close to the situation. I strongly suggest that you get your BF here as there are a lot of posters here who have experience with infidelity. Sometimes hearing from others is more effective. It could end up being a double yoke for you as his friend. You can still be his IRL support but he would be better off coming here personally. Not to take anything away from you or the value of your friendship because you're obviously wanting to help. Please do this for your buddy and his precious children.

Thanks to all of you who responded.
Here is an update on what happened this weekend.

At this point nearly all of Peter & Rachel family, friends and neighbors are well aware of situation between them. (As one poster here said, it wouldn�t take long, IT DIDN�T).

Rachel came over to visit the kids on Saturday afternoon. Peter told me she asked what she could do to �make things right�. Peter and I discussed this is scenario earlier that day.

First thing he told her was that she should have no illusions about them reconciling. A 1000% effort on her part couldn�t undo the damage. He said wasn�t going make any quick decisions on anything.

Second, was that she never see or talk to her lover ever again.

Third, she was to resign her job on Monday morning effective immediately. He said would make money available to her until she could find another job.

Fourth, that she start today looking for an apartment to move into.

Fifth, they both agreed that the kids should continue to live with him; she will visit the kids 3 days a week for 4 hours each day.

She told him that some her friends won�t take her phone calls. (I guess I�m not surprised).

Peter is on a LOA until he decides he�s ready to return to work.

I�m out of town on business, but when I return I will talk with Peter about the thread I have here.

I've been thinking about how to best approach him. Any ideas, fire away.

Btw: I have not talked with Peter since late Sunday afternoon.

MidwestBoy