Last night on date night H and I were discussing his father. His father lost HIS father (H's grandfather) at an early age, late teens. Apparently they were very close, and according to family members this was very devastating to him and he never really got over it. Which is evident in his negative attitude, his 'why me' attitude, his clear resentment for life and the fact that he seemingly looks at all of the ways his life has NOT turned out right instead of looking at all of his many blessings.

I commented to H that I think about this scenario in reference to our own recovery. That it would be a tragedy upon a tragedy to let the first decade of our M, the A's and the betrayals, define who we are FOREVER. To live our life with sadness, bitterness and resentment, defining our M by what we had been through instead of what we ARE (or at the very least, are becoming). That it would be a much wiser choice to put that behind us and move forward to live life to the fullest, learning from our past and applying it to make an even better future, thriving in spite of our history instead of wallowing in it. (Or something equally as eloquent, lol.)

Pause. Then he kindof teary eyed said, "cheers to that." And we clinked our drink glasses. It was a very touching moment and I almost cried (and this time, not for a bad reason).

I think the queen of resentment has made some progress.

Wonderful, unwritten! Definitely sounds like a turning point for you both. It sounds like you took my quote and really understood what it entails for the both of you and helped your H with some healing as well.

~RQ

Awesome!!! Doesn't it feel good???

BTW...you've been giving some excellent advice to others!

I am really working hard to meet H's needs, and he is doing the same for me. I feel like we've made a lot of progress this summer,

Thanks RQ! I'm not really sure what has turned us around this summer. HHH suggested that it was ME, but it really was a combination of both of us committing together. I was prepared to just go all in for the summer despite his lackluster attitude (and I was also prepared to D in the fall), and was happily surprised by the fact that he also went all in. Feels great, like we are finally walking down the same path in life.

In your case, if your husband does not meet your need for domestic support, you may lose the feeling of love you once had for him. The losses of love units over the past five years have already taken their toll on your sexual response to him, and if it continues, you may find yourself without any sexual interest at all.

Even though it may be crucial for your husband to meet your need for domestic support, he must do it in a way that he finds enjoyable, or it won't work. The woman who develops a sexual aversion must learn to meet her husband's need for sex enthusiastically. That means she can't force herself to make love to him, she must learn to enjoy it enough that she actually looks forward to making love to him.

The same is true of the chronically unemployed husband. He must learn to enjoy earning a living to support his spouse. I've helped many men find work that they truly enjoy, and they earn enough to support their families. When that happens, their wives love for them is restored, and their marriage is saved.

But that's what meeting emotional needs is all about. Making your spouse happy in a way that makes you happy. Sacrifice is short-sighted. You can do it once in a while, but it does not endure. If you want help around the house from your husband, you want to see him doing it cheerfully, because that's the only way you will get consistent help from him.

That brings us to the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). Your husband can learn to meet your need for domestic support if you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement.

You made a deal with your husband years ago that if he supported you financially, you would support him domestically. You now know that deal does not work for you. It is no longer a deal that you enthusiastically agree to, so it should be revised using the Policy of Joint Agreement.


Use the steps I suggested last week, and you may find that he will cheerfully take some of the responsibilities. Negotiate with him to help you with some of those that are left, and I think you will find him to be far more helpful than you imagined.

You may not have confronted the issue because of your underlying feeling of guilt to want him to do things that you feel are your responsibility. Forget all of that, and focus on what he could do for you that would make you the happiest. Then bargain in his best interest to get it done for yourself. You will both have a happier and more compatible marriage as a result of your effort.

If household responsibilities are given to whoever is in the mood to do them, nothing much will be done. If one spouse demands help from the other, that will also have an unsatisfactory outcome. But if assignment of these tasks can be mutually agreed upon by willing spouses that accept the responsibility, everything will run smoothly.

I would like to propose to you a solution to your conflict based on the Policy of Joint Agreement. As it does with all marital conflicts, the Policy will not only resolve it, it will help you increase your love for each other.

This solution will require you to do something that you may rarely do: get organized. It means you must think through your problem carefully and systematically. You will need to write down your objectives and create solutions that take each other's feelings into account. While you may find all of this awkward and terribly "not you," there is no other way. Besides, when you're done, you may find it to be more comfortable than you anticipated.


Step 1: Identify your household responsibilities.
First, make a list of all of your household responsibilities including child care. The list should (1) name each responsibility, (2) briefly describe what must be done, and when, to accomplish it, (3) name the spouse that wants it accomplished and (4) how important is it to that spouse (use a scale from 1-5, with 1 least important and 5 most important).

Both spouses should work on this list, and it will take several days to cover the bases. You will add items each day as you find yourself accomplishing various tasks or wanting them accomplished.


When you have finished your list, both of you should be satisfied that it includes all of the housekeeping and child care responsibilities that you share. You may have as many as 100 items listed. Just this part of the exercise alone will help you understand what you're up against with regard to the work that you feel must be done.


Step 2: Assume responsibility for items that you would enjoy doing or prefer doing yourself.
Make a second copy of your final list, so that both you and your spouse can have your own copy. Then, independently of each other, put your own name in front of each item that you would like to do yourself. These are tasks that you would enjoy doing, don't mind doing, or want to do yourself so they can be done a certain way. When you compare your two lists, if both you and your spouse have named the same items, you can either take turns doing them, or arbitrarily divide them between the two of you.Now you have three lists. (1) the husband's list of responsibilities, (2) the wife's list of responsibilities and (3) the list of household responsibilities that are not yet assigned.


Step 3: Assign the remaining responsibilities to the one wanting each done the most.
Assuming that all tasks you would not mind doing have been eliminated, we are left with those that would be unpleasant for either of you to perform. These are items that neither of you want to do, but at least one of you thinks should be done.

These unpleasant responsibilities should be assigned to the person who wants them done. If both of you want something done, the one giving it the highest value should take responsibility for doing it.

If you think that this is unfair, consider for a moment why you want the other person to do these tasks for you. Even though you are the one who wants them done, you want the other person to relieve you of the pain you suffer when you do them. It other words, you want to gain at your spouse's expense.

You may argue that what you want is really not for you, but for the children. In that argument, you imply that your spouse is so uncaring and insensitive that he or she doesn't even know, or doesn't care, what's best for the children. If that's your argument, you are making a disrespectful judgment.

The one wanting something done the most will lose the fewest love units doing it themselves. After all, they are doing it for themselves. It's much more painful to do something unpleasant when you don't even value what you're doing.

But there are many ways to get things done, and you may not have considered the best possibilities. You and your spouse should discuss how burdensome responsibilities can be accomplished in ways that are not so burdensome. Maybe one of you would not mind doing one part of dinner preparation, and the other would not mind doing another part. Or maybe you would agree that going out to dinner is the ultimate solution to the problem.

Those items left on your list of responsibilities that are unpleasant to perform should be regularly discussed. Brainstorm all kinds of alternatives that might get the job done without either of you suffering.

There are certain household tasks that are so unpleasant for both spouses that hiring someone to do it is a reasonable alternative, especially when both spouses work full-time. Hiring a housekeeper once a week to do only the most unpleasant cleaning chores is money well spent. The same thing can be true of maintaining the yard. Having someone mow and trim the lawn can turn a burdensome Saturday into an opportunity to enjoy the day with the family.

On a related subject, be sure that you do not assign your children tasks that both you and your spouse find too unpleasant to shoulder. It doesn't build character to give your kids jobs that you hate to do, it builds resentment. If you want your children to help around the house, have them choose tasks from your list of household responsibilities that they would enjoy doing. Make lists for them, as well as for you and your spouse. There will be plenty to keep them busy.

To summarize my solution to the division of household responsibilities, the Policy of Joint Agreement should be your guide. Assume household responsibilities that you enthusiastically accept. And then, when you help each other with those unpleasant tasks that are left, only help if you can do it enthusiastically.

By following this policy, you may decide to change your attitude about some of the responsibilities on your list. When you know that the only way to do something is to do it yourself, you may decide that it doesn't need to be done, after all. In fact, you may find that what kept you convinced of it's importance, was the notion that your spouse was supposed to do it.

Sure I can do whatever possible to be sexier and entice him or whatever, but drive is drive.

I am a SAHM and enthusiastically agree that as such, my 'job' is to maintain the home. I don't love to do it, I am sure I am not the only one, but I do so because it is a need of his.

By following this policy, you may decide to change your attitude about some of the responsibilities on your list. When you know that the only way to do something is to do it yourself, you may decide that it doesn't need to be done, after all. In fact, you may find that what kept you convinced of it's importance, was the notion that your spouse was supposed to do it

I don't like to clean, I don't really even like to be in the house. I could pitch manure in a barn all day and be happy as a clam, but vacuum, no. Yet H's #1EN is DS. So therein lies a problem. I am a SAHM and enthusiastically agree that as such, my 'job' is to maintain the home. I don't love to do it, I am sure I am not the only one, but I do so because it is a need of his. Is this sacrificing? How would I possibly meet this need without, to some degree, sacrificing?

You may not have confronted the issue because of your underlying feeling of guilt to want him to do things that you feel are your responsibility. Forget all of that, and focus on what he could do for you that would make you the happiest. Then bargain in his best interest to get it done for yourself. You will both have a happier and more compatible marriage as a result of your effort.

If you think that this is unfair, consider for a moment why you want the other person to do these tasks for you. Even though you are the one who wants them done, you want the other person to relieve you of the pain you suffer when you do them. It other words, you want to gain at your spouse's expense.