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pepperband and Markos: I live in Canada. They do not ship outside the US, as Joyce has said on numerous occasions on the MB Radio show. I will take Scotland's advice until I can afford my own copies. Thank you. Take the free hour of counseling anyway.  They didn't ship me a book, either, and I live in Texas! I think I was supposed to request one.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Scotland: My intention was to make it clear to AI that I wouldn't stand for her abuse, and in doing so, perpetrated abuse upon her and compounded that with the threat of leaving the marriage/house. Really? I cant believe you even posted this. You wont take HER abuse but expect her to not only stand there and take yours but expect her to ASK you to stick around and do more? Sir you should be handing her the horse whip!
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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His Needs, Her Needs and The One are the only two books available through our library system.
I will have to get my own copies somehow.
Thanks for the advice though, Scotland. Surviving an Affair, $2.85 used, $12.83 new: http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Aff..._8?ie=UTF8&qid=1342203317&sr=8-8Workbook, $8.94 used, $14.45 new: http://www.amazon.com/Five-Steps-Ro...317&sr=8-3&keywords=love+bustersLove Busters, $14.33 new, $5.99 used, but take care to get the 2008 edition, as it has important information about angry outbursts that you need that is not present in the earlier editions: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Busters-...317&sr=8-1&keywords=love+bustersSell something else. Skip something out of your next paycheck. You need all three of these.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You were demanding admiration. You requested that she change her emphasis from your failings to your good points. And.... we've come full circle from opening post #1. So TRT, you can see why 65 pages later, people here are still saying you haven't changed despite you insisting that you have.
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You, sir, have serious work to do.
YOU do not get to make demands. You smashed a lovely mirror and are now wondering why your hand is bleeding.
Your WIFE is bleeding here. You broke her into a million pieces and want her to focus on the good things and if she mentions the bad things, heaven help her!
You are not going to recover if you keep doing this. Do you want your wife or not?
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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General consensus:
Should I stay or should I go?
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You already know the answer to that TRT. Everything you do is done to manipulate people and take no responsibility for your own choices.
AI has lost 15lbs, is sleeping 3-5 hrs a night, and doesn't even feel comfortable posting things on this board for fear of retaliation from you. The very act of coming on here to ask US what you should do, knowing this, is disgusting.
And quite predictable I might add.
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Do you want to stay? If you want your wife, your marriage, you must put down this entitled attitude and actually do the work.
Your wife is injured, sir. She will recover, with or without your help, but I am sure that she would prefer to recover with your help.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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If you are the least bit concerned that you may have more AO's or controlling, manipulative, or abusive behavior, if you think there is even a slim chance you can't stay calm in the face of the worst, most abusive lashing out from your injured betrayed spouse, you need to go.
Go, take action, fix your issues.
Get control of yourself and eliminate your destructive behaviors and then maybe, just maybe, if you showed action, she would allow you to attempt to make LB deposits again.
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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I don't think you can control your AOs and manipulation, because you lack the self awareness of why you do them.
You didn't stand up for yourself and tell AI you "won't take her abuse" - you demanded admiration. You lied to yourself about this too. When you felt that stab of shame and guilt hurt you, you lashed out. Justified it as you went along.
Recovery is rough and AI has so much PTSD she will scream and wail and rage like a wounded animal for a while. And you will just have to take it.
Without getting any admiration, without being liked, or loved, without getting anything at all.
I don't think she can take one more screw up.
Remove yourself if you cannot control yourself.
Calling Dr H is a great idea too.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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"won't take her abuse"
Wow, that was about the worst thing I have read on the boards.
I mean, that simple statement is a very clear indication of a personality disorder, the complete lack of empathy.
It makes your negotiations about custody all the more irrelevant, you won't get it.
If you think the posters here are rough on you, wait till you get into custody evaluations, you'll be ripped apart. Professionals and the court system see right through you.
It's up to you to fix you. As far as I'm concerned you can stop the glib. If this is a contest for you, then by all means keep on trying, but you're fooling yourself before fooling most posters here.
I'm amazed people still take the time to post and help you.
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IMO, one of the best things Wayne Dyer ever said was, "Choose to not be offended."
If you understand this statement in reference to yourself, and if you want to become a person who chooses to not be offended, you can re-program your anger habits by repeating this affirmation several times a dayto yourself: I choose to not be offended.
Somebody cuts you off on the road? "I choose to not be offended." The cashier at the grocery store is rude to you? "I choose to not be offended." Somebody does something you consider to be over-the-top stupid? "I choose to not be offended." You judge that she is beng nasty to you? "I choose to not be offended."
After a few weeks of doing these affirmations, you might be BIG TIME surprised at changes in yourself. I was.
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I've chosen to leave because I cannot guarantee that I will not have an AO or any other love busters.
She's told me that she doesn't care either way. I stay or I go. The one thing she said was a demand that I live with her cousin. I cannot do this. I will live with my parents, whom she does not like or trust.
I will do everything I can to make myself a better person an prove it to her, but we both have little faith that this will be successful.
I'm done with this forum, I guess.
Y'all got what you wanted.
I'm out.
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You're welcome to return when you're working towards the right goals, TRT. But right now I don't think you'd get what you need here. I will do everything I can to make myself a better person an prove it to her, but we both have little faith that this will be successful. You don't have faith you can succeed? Perhaps this will change following some time alone where your efforts rely on you and you alone - without AIs 'faith'in you being blamed. When you learn how to stand on your own feet, and take responsibilty, you may find posting here more productive.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I'm done with this forum, I guess.
Y'all got what you wanted.
I'm out. That's a pretty general statement. I don't recall asking you to do this. Nor did I state it was what I wanted. Why would you be done with this forum? Are you throwing in the towel regarding the changes you were going to make? Does moving out mean you're not interested in maintaing EP's?
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Really? What I actually wanted was you to become a FORMER wayward husband and have a glorious marriage with your wife. Hmmmmm, you didn't get that?
I really hope that you come back and get yourself together. I hope that you don't see this separation as a free card to go do whatever you want, with whomever you want. Every and any decision you make from here on out will be completely on you, with eyes wide open, as you have now been educated in the whys and hows of affairs.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I've chosen to leave because I cannot guarantee that I will not have an AO or any other love busters.
She's told me that she doesn't care either way. I stay or I go. The one thing she said was a demand that I live with her cousin. I cannot do this. I will live with my parents, whom she does not like or trust.
I will do everything I can to make myself a better person an prove it to her, but we both have little faith that this will be successful.
I'm done with this forum, I guess.
Y'all got what you wanted.
I'm out. I was hoping to hear something like, "I refuse to hurt the love of my life anymore. I am leaving the home so that I will no longer abuse her. I choose to make myself the man she deserves and my actions will show her that I can be who she needs me to be." Instead, you say this? "I'm done with this forum, I guess. Y'all got what you wanted. I'm out." I will pray for you. Pray that you hit rock bottom and finally see the fog clear and reality sink in. Pray that you can humble yourself and see what you gave up. Pray that you can change. It is up to you, trt. MB is the path to recovery. Follow it.
TinT--Trouble in Texas
Me: 40
Husband: 38
Married for 17 years
Together for 20 years
DD15
DS13
DS4
H's EA discovered 1/1/12
Caller on radioshow 5/8/12
Been in counseling with SHarley since 5/17/12
On the road to recover my marriage
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I'm done with this forum, I guess.
Y'all got what you wanted.
I'm out. So I guess you are not serious about recovering your marriage? If you were, you'd stay and take the 2x4's. You'd take the advice. You'd apply it. You'd learn, and grow. People posted to you not because they wanted your M to fail, but because they wanted to see you succeed. Sometimes the posts that make us angriest are the ones that ring the truest. A wise poster here often points out that wild horses could not drag away a wayward spouse who was serious about recovery. Physical separation, until you can assure AI's safety, is not the end, although you seem to see it that way. One of my favorite quotes happens to be: It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for a bird to learn to fly while remaining an egg. And you cannot go on indefinitely being an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. Hatch, and become the husband, father, and man that your family deserves...or go bad. Your choice. And by the way, that is your choice, whether or not your marriage recovers. You can become a better human being, or not.
FWW
"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Leave. Good God man. Spare those who care. I predict that you will be back. ai will be just fine.
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I rewrote my EPs and condensed/broadened their definitions to encompass MORE things that will keep me solid. AI has approved, and has added deal breakers to the mix (which I'll post at a later date, if she's enthusiastic about it). She's basically singled out EPs that, if broken even in the slightest, will get me nothing but a one way ticket to GET-OUT-ville - population: me. Humility allows us to post these things without the fear of constructive criticism. Humility is a desire to go to any length for the help we need. How can you make the changes necessary until you have others help you see your blind spots? Please make posting your EP's in there entirety a priority. In my religious orientation, we call this "a mighty change of heart". You haven't reached that state at all yet. Review HPB's posts to you. You have no sense of gratitude for the insight he gave you. And until you become exactly of the heart and mind that is anywhere close to humble, you will thrash at anyone who doesn't accept your continued manipulations as such.
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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