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Originally Posted By: helpthelostdads
She's been cake eating and all of this has been feeding the fantasy of the amicable D.


This is what's bothering me. In Plan A there is GOING to be cake eating. You are supposed to dole out cake.

It doesn't feed the fantasy of a D if you are also using the stick of Plan A. I know exposure appears to have fizzled but HE DID IT. He's made it clear there will be no buddy divorce so I am not sure where this statement comes from.

If LHAAFS Plan A was firm, why would it give the impression of a fantasy divorce? A good Plan A will never do that.

I am finding it hard to read the situation too, because as Scotty says LHAAF is not always the one posting.

I can't tell if LHAAF has run his lovebank dry (or perhaps just needs to get over the hump with ADs)

Or whether between the two of you you have decided Plan B is a better strategy to prevent cake eating.

If its the latter, cake eating FROM HER HUSBAND is no bad thing!

There is no need to prevent it!

Last edited by indiegirl; 07/13/12 02:29 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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There's also a lot of discussion around the theme of 'her reaction to Plan B is typical' and 'Plan B will work on her' which make no sense.

Plan B has no effect on the WS' lovebank for the BS. All it does is protect the BS' wellbeing.

Plan B is implemented to protect oureslves from someone hellbent on continuing the A no matter how great the Plan A.

Plan B is not an enticement technique. It's cover when under fire.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Loveher, GJM's thread wasn't meant to have you pity him. WhY I suggested it to you was to show how to EARN your way out of your marriage.

Of course you could Plan A for a LONNNNNG time with no A, that's not the point. Plan A is HARD. Plan B is HARDER. Recovery is the HARDEST still.

You haven't answered a lot of the questions that I have posed to you. Why is that?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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What's happened to exposure to OMs family in all this?

That can't be ditched just because the wayward is acting like a wayward.

That's what waywards do.

Look, I am a huge cheerleader for Plan B. Its my salvation. I ADORE Plan B. So does our Queen B, Scotland.

But Plan B without Plan A, (a complete nuclear exposure in particular) isn't Plan B. Its doing nothing.

The OM needs running off. Family exposure. Confrontation. A of A suit if possible.

The gameplan here seems to be 'let's get the wayward to see sense and miss BH'.

That's not really a gameplan. Plan B is only protection.

The priority, of course, is LHAAF and if he's truly hit a wall, then it is time for Plan B

But taking a legal stand (filing for D in which OM is called or A of A suit) and exposure, can be done from within Plan B.

But I'm not convinced he's ready for B. A day ago he was fighting to the death, today its different? Plan B requires planning and stealth and every time we log on he's gone in a different direction without pre planning it here first. His emotions are pinging him around like pinball.

Will a Plan B silence be held out if emotions are the driving force? No. Plan B is always broken by a heartbroken spouse missing the wayward if not done right.

The links in my sig explain how to Plan B correctly and prepare for it.

There is also an IM training thread htlds can check out. Don't have the link on my phone.

Neutrality is key for an IM. Don't take sides or have words with the WS. You need to be mute on the issue of her waywardness.

That's hard for a good friend to do. But I think you can.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Sorry I tried to respond earlier but my computer was giving me a fit.

I am emotionally tapped out. When she left I was fighting to keep her, trying to be a great father to our children, havin gto explain to friends, family and my job what was going on. The emotional roller coaster took its toll.

Then the news of the OM hit hard. I trried to make it work, forgiving and talking with her, going to a counselor (she said her lawyer suggested it but my WS was never into counseling).

The emotional toll got ALOT worse. Family was angry with her, I was crushed and depressed our friends (hers no more) were very angry. I defended her and said I still love her and wanted to make it work. I composed a text and sent it to her (1 revision by her) then sent it out and I lost friends. The emotional toll got even worse. Texting her, calling her, being a doormat and tring everything to make it work.

I hit a wall and told her him or me. She said she "Broke it off" with OM the next day. I was better and tried to help our marriage (I admit to much texting and calling but I got NOTHING from WS). Then the birthday shock that she was still seeing him (probably never broke it off). My emotional toll got worse.

I went to super Plan A (had been in a plan A but not so effective). Exposure was no help bc no one on OM or WS side even remotely cares. They are both liars anyway. I tried exposure to MIL and she defended WS using the EXACT same terminology WS uses to defend her actions.

I finally had enough. I am emotional drained. It is taking a severe toll on my health, my relationships with friends and family and I was not being the greatest father I could be. My children are FAR more important than WS. They are truly innocent and will be my children forever. I HAD to Plan B for me and my emotional survival. Besides she is still seeing him so let OM provide all she needs. Her piece of tail may only last so long. The damage is done its not like they havent had sex yet. Her lies are to much and the deception is something I don't need when I need to focus on my children and my career.

If she wants me I am here for now. She still can't say the word divorce and since this mess started she has done ZERO to get the paperwork started.

1) She really does not want a divorce but to play the field until she comes back to "old faithful".
2) She strings me along for the cake I provide.
3) Thought of a friend: Maybe she wants to let you down easy. If I get stabbed in the back and through the heart slowly the damage is still done besides the "alien WS" does not care and "My Steph" went underground long ago.

She comes up with different excuses not to divorce 1) I pay for your health insurance and if we divorce you cant afford it. I found out that my health insurance is 1/3 the cost and easily affordable. When I told her this she paused 3-4 seconds and said "Well its shi**y health insurance (it's very good).

She KNOWS that if she hands me papers and I sign I will NOT return to her and take the chance of more devastation to my heart and soul. Also if I date someone I will not hurt that person and break up just to see WS and try it again.

I have asked her several times recently (as soon as 2 days ago) if she thinks she will regret leaving me. She ALWAYS wells up with tears and says something like "Thats irrelevant". My response is it is relevant because we can make this work. The road is long and narrow and difficult but I will be there for you. She was ALWAYS upset when I told her in the past that if she serves me with divorce papers and my signature hits the last line its ddone forever

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Guys, thanks for explaining Plan B to him. I'm a big advocate of it being done right and I've explained that Plan B is for HIM not for her. I explained that it is to shelter him from further abuse and it forces WW to get all her EN's met by OM. I told him it will either force the affair to burn itself out, help him transition to a D, or allow him to preserve his LB in case she does return.

She's resisting Plan B. She won't answer my texts or calls. If LH listened to a VM from her, then he's broken Plan B and we'll have to talk about that.

NO CONTACT! No VM. NO EMAILS. NO TEXTS!

What I'm torn on in terms of advice is this:

Should he file for D on the grounds of adultery and abandonment going for sole physical and legal custody OR hold off on that since he doesn't want a D?

He needs a separation agreement with a set schedule and a guarantee of CS.

They still have joint accounts. I told him to withdraw the money and retain a lawyer with it.

He's afraid to do so.

As far as exposing to OM's family: haven't been able to find any of his family's info from England and his FB is blocked. The affair has been exposed to any and all that matter on LH's side, WW's family, and their friends.

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Could you please go back through my more recent posts and answer the questions I have asked? I don't ask them for the fun of it.

It seems that all you have done is write long posts about how you were emotionally drained. Hey, we get that. So were we.

Let me ask you this, and I hope you answer it, what was your purpose for entering Plan B? Are you emotionally prepared to become divorced?

Have you changed your phone numbers, email addresses and figured out how to plug all holes in your Plan B to ensure NC by your WW?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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She has said about 2 weeks ago that she wants us to be friendly in all this. To go out and have family time and dinners. I told her you tell me I live in a fantasy world where I think love conquers all and something I say or do will have WS flip a switch and come back to me. I then told her a friendly "lets hang out and go places with each others "current flame" we can all joke and have fun together is her fantasy. I told her that is Hollywood BS and will NOT happen with us. I WON"T hang out with adulters and the OM is DEF out of the ? She got upset and then angry. She still tries to defend herself and her actions but I simply say you and I will never see eye to eye on this. It is an affair. She has told me "then go out with someone". My reply is always "No I'm your faithful husband. That is the man you married and I will NEVER cheat in you". I know she feels guilty. I can do Plan B and figure I need to give her at least a month and if she does not either leave OM and come back to me (or at least be willing to let me go back to plan A and woo her back) OR served me with papers then I will start the process. I have no idea how she feels since Plan B but she called me 2X after Plan B started. She hasnt called me that many times in 2 hours since she left.

She called once to say she was NOT doing this and she would go through a "legitimate mediator" and the second time saying she wanted to get stuff out of the house.

At this point my situation is what it is. I am tired of the emotional toll and devastation to me and friends and family. She has no one left and now OM will have to provide everything. Good luck she can be a handful (I know it sounds like I'm down on her and people prob wonder why I still want her. "My Steph" was never like that and is there somewhere. I miss and love her every minute and truly want "My Steph" in my life but for now I need to protect me adn be the greatest father first and longing husband second.

Thanks.

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LHAAF, I think you should seriously look into seeing your doc and getting ADs.

You sound very emotional and all over the place and you are the priority, here.

Right after that, get your money somewhere safe and see a lawyer. Don't trust the alien.

Am I right in thinking a Plan B letter has not been sent yet?

I think LHAAF just needs a break, needs to nail down some safeguards and then we can see about implementing a full on Plan B with changes to contact details etc.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Entering Plan B was to protect what little emotional health I have left. I am as prepared as I can be for divorce ( can the victim ever fully be prepared?). At this point I almost feel if she does it it will be haredr for her. Emails to the account she uses are forwarded to intermediary. She has not texted me since Plan B kicked off. Yes Plan B is for me. I am very tapped out and have my kids tonight and need to place them first. The 5 yo is very affected. I am trying to protect myself to protect them and hope Plan B buffers me so my emotions arent so raw and strong and I can focus on them

I have alot of other stuff going on (working on the house, my job, applying for a new job, the split the kids, family friends. Nothing anyone who is a BS on the board is not familiar with. Different people have different breaking points. My kids went higher up on the priority ladder than WS. If she wants to come back on my terms and I'm still here waiting then great but tick tock tick tock.

I will try to get back later and answer ?s but I have the kids and got off of midnight shift and have had very little sleep. I do appreciate the help. I still miss her but feel a little better (not so emotionally raw and drained).

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Originally Posted By: loveherafaad
She has said about 2 weeks ago that she wants us to be friendly in all this. To go out and have family time and dinners. I told her you tell me I live in a fantasy world where I think love conquers all and something I say or do will have WS flip a switch and come back to me. I then told her a friendly "lets hang out and go places with each others "current flame" we can all joke and have fun together is her fantasy. I told her that is Hollywood BS and will NOT happen with us. I WON"T hang out with adulters and the OM is DEF out of the ? She got upset and then angry. She still tries to defend herself and her actions but I simply say you and I will never see eye to eye on this. It is an affair. She has told me "then go out with someone". My reply is always "No I'm your faithful husband. That is the man you married and I will NEVER cheat in you". I know she feels guilty.


That's good Plan Aing.

Originally Posted By: loveherafaad
I can do Plan B and figure I need to give her at least a month and if she does not either leave OM and come back to me (or at least be willing to let me go back to plan A and woo her back) OR served me with papers then I will start the process.


You can't duck in and out of the Plans like that. Once you leave Plan A, you can't go back. Plan B is a permanent commitment to remain out of reach until she agrees to a full recovery.

Plan B heals you because you build a new life in which you assume you won't hear from her ever again.

You only go in when you're done. And you stay in. Anything less won't be taken seriously.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: loveherafaad
I have no idea how she feels since Plan B but she called me 2X after Plan B started. She hasnt called me that many times in 2 hours since she left.


If you were really in Plan B you'd have a different number, would have no idea how many times shed called and you'd be impossible to reach.

There is no such thing as Plan B lite.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Loveher, do you have any plans to confront this OM at all? If you plan to continue with a full blown Plan B with no exposing and confronting the enemy, then you may as well go ahead and file now, not because it might be where you are headed, but because it is where you are headed.

Personally, I think you're going about this all wrong. You keep saying "Your Steph", but all your actions dictate that she is "His Steph". I know that's harsh, but it's the truth. By all accounts you've taken some pretty good measures, but you HAVE to attack the disease that is destroying your marriage. You've said your job might be at stake for approaching this POSOM. Sorry, I don't buy it one bit. Assuming you don't kill or maim the slug, I can't imagine that you could get into THAT much trouble confronting this parasite with your bosses. What do you think they would do if they were in your shoes? You have a right to fight for your marriage and family. Why are you not exercising that right?

Another thing to think about. Your NOT confronting makes you look extremely weak to your WW. EXTREMELY weak! Not very attractive at all I would imagine (ladies, feel free to chime in here). Is that the last impression you want to leave on Steph?

She's practically begging you to to help her and you let her sink further into the abyss she has managed to create for herself by your inaction's. That's not showing her love; that's showing her indifference.

Plan B if you want, but prepare for Plan D right now because buddy, that is right where you are headed if you continue in this fashion.

I know you are crushed, but you need to think long and hard here, because you are making one very radical decision that will affect you AND your kids for a very long time.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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How's the PI coming with findng out about OM?

Did you try this? Facebook: A backdoor to see more information


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Tiger I did try to confront when I found her continuing the affair (if she even cut it off in the first place). He would not show his face and WS got angry and told me to leave. ANY call to the police and I'm done. The responding jurisdiction is the PD that I have a current application with (better, benefits, retirement and pay). I have shown and told her numerous times that I am here for her. I asked her if she thinks she will regret it and she says "It's irrelevant". Do I want to loose my wife? NO. She is always quiet and says very little. She is veery self sufficient. She is upset, angry lost all previous friends from our marriage. I offer our marriage and to work on our friends. She knows what I offer and she is quiet on the line. She rarely wants to talk FTF. I see tears but she is the MOT stubborn woman alive made worse by this. She is to proud to admit she made a mistake and come back (I told her I don't care about her admitting she made a mistake just knock on the door anytime and we will make this marriage work.

The FB backdoor did not work. She may have really taken everything dowwn but photos as she said. I can't figure her email pw. She has no friends or famliy she talks to that could tell me "Yes she regrets it talk to her". I have no other connection with her that could help. Her family is of NO use. It seems that usuall on this forum there is SOMEONE friend, famiily, clergy, counselor etc who talks to WS to help. There is literally no one who can or wants to help. If there is (helpfor lost) she won't answer her phone.

WHAT DO I DO? She infers she wants a divorce (she just cant say the word divorce itself) but is not getting the papers as yet. I told her several times I do NOT want a divorce and she only replys with "What do you think this is leading to?"

I'm lost. Yes emotions are high for me (leveled off since this first started but bad). Yes I believe our love can conquer all and she says I live in a fantasy world. I feel she loves me and regrets what happened but how to crack that open and have her say it. She has to good of a game face and has never admitted wrong with anything ever. I care for her and love her but if she won't let me help her work on the marriage or even hint at wanting to work on it (the opposite in fact) then what do I do? Who could talk to her to start the ball rolling?

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Well, if there is truly no way to confront this piece of crap, but you still want to do everything possible to save your marriage, then Plan A'ing your butt off is the only thing that will give you a chance. The only thing Plan B will do right now is reinforce and validate (at least in her mind) her poor choices and actually push her even harder towards the OM. Think about it. Who else does she have to turn to right now but him? You said yourself that she has no one, that all her friends have abandoned her. And now you are. Give me one good reason why she shouldn't turn to this slug. No one else will have her! If you're okay with that, well then.......

I really do feel terrible for you, and wish I could offer more. If you truly are at a point where you feel you need to protect yourself first and foremost, then continue with Plan B, but make it deep and dark. However, if you still have some fight in you, and want to do everything possible to get your wife back, then you need to dump Plan B and start presenting yourself as her best option by doing a rock star Plan A. Make yourself the better option, instead of making the POSOM the only option.

Either way, best of luck to you. Everyone will be here for you regardless what you decide.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Originally Posted By: indiegirl

You can't duck in and out of the Plans like that. Once you leave Plan A, you can't go back. Plan B is a permanent commitment to remain out of reach until she agrees to a full recovery.

You only go in when you're done. And you stay in. Anything less won't be taken seriously.



Some here may remember the story of MywifeIlove. His wife moved out and he was emotionally spent. He went into Plan B. He regrouped and then coached with Steve Harley and was directed back into Plan A once he regained his composure and emotional fortitude. As I recall, he essentially pursued his wife behind the OM's back...became her confidant and seduced her back to the marriage. OM hated it and lovebusted WW right back to her husband. Here's the post where he told us about going back into Plan A. Prescription drugs played a part but IMO his ultimate success resulted from disrupting the affair. OM's are weak empty vessels who are rarely capable of standing up against a BH for long. Sometimes...the right situation MAY ALLOW a BH to go back into Plan A and rescue his WW from OM...even before she's completely sure of what she wants (WW's are never sure of anything - except liking valiant knights in white armor).




Originally Posted By: Mywifeilove MARCH 4, 2006
Update:

It's been 3 weeks since last post. I coughed up the $ and called the Harleys. Talked to Steve....Now the rest of the story:

To shorten it up....I was advised to transition back to Plan A....reasons????.....because my energy level is way up....still love my W dearly....my original Plan A ended horribly, with me waffling on fighting for custody or not....wife has been VERY receptive to me reinitiating contact with her....and last but most important...because there is conclusive evidence that she has succumed to Oxycontin use/abuse due to OM and there may be a time here in the near future, where she needs a "safe" place to land...and I was told to create that place, then Plan B, if my energy starts falling to low. The drug addiction may be completely intertwined with the affair...she may not even realize it, or he is the source of this evil drug, and she feels she NEEDS it. I know, for pain purposes, it's a godsend...but Google it....it is almost impossible to stop, without serious intervention...the euphoria is described as "better that heroin". She very well may have been given this by OM, without her having ANY knowledge of its addictiveness.

This is so ironic in that A's are so treated as "addictions". And putting a drug side by side with an affair, actually makes it easier to do a plan A from afar.

I feel GREAT! I don't initiate contact, WW always does, and it is quite frequently. She senses I'm moving on with my life, and she is always asking me questions, about me. I speak NOTHING about our R, AT ALL!!! I have had dinner over to her house 2 times this week, she has had dinner over here 2 times over the last 2 weeks!! The visits have been very nice, and not painful at all for me, for I view her as having a "sickness". She is always telling me how sad she is, and I tell her "it just takes time, you'll move on....you have to for the kids and yourself" She told me OM gets quite annoyed with our interactions and dinners. WW tells him (or at least she told me she told him) that he needs to deal with this situation, because she wants a good relationship with me, for the kids. She told me he is very insecure, but he'll "have to deal with it."

My new Plan A, has been flawless....I GET IT! It is about me, so was Plan B...I'm at a point where I'm fine with or without a relationship right now!!! I'm fine with MYSELF!!!
And WW sees this. This was pointed out by Steve. He could tell over the phone, that I was doing well!!

The next two nights, WW and I will be spending time together with kids (a B-day party at her house, Sun. night for DS3 (soon to be DS4) and his actual B-day on Mon.

Today, I had a B-day party with my family and some friends for DS3, but WW would not come at this point...and I think my mother and sister wouldn't have come if she was there!! Too much resentment, yet. WW told called me this morning and wish me luck with the party, and said: "I just want to tell you how much respect I have for you, and all that you have to do for this party" I responded "Well...I'll tell you <WW> over these last 2 months by myself, I have new respect for you, and all you did for this home" She said: "you're doing so well with the kids...it makes me happy, but sad at the same time" .....what??????????

Anyways, been spending lots of time with my kids, dad, mom, and friends. House is immaculate and can't wait for spring!!

Some of what I feel, is spiritual. I have asked GOD, "Do I love her?" I always feel the answer...."YES". Now go show it. WW asked me, how I can be so nice to her? I told her that my deep love for her allows for forgiveness, and that it feels right....that "if I keep carrying that anger...It'll eat you up inside" (Don Henley)

Why not fight Satin with LOVE?? The anger, the blaming, the resentment, the hatred....all are qualities of him. Why allow those....snuff them out with LOVE...not in an insecure way...not in a "doormat" way....but in a way that battles the enemy within me. He can't win inside me...I fought, and won! The battle turns to others, of whom Satin has invaded. And with "true love" and a new found value in myself....I have the tools to fight...and it is showing...

I may be in Dazed situation down the road...or maybe it will go another way...this is WW's battle in herself...and I am easily showing her that I'm the rock...the lighthouse...and I'm STILL.

She obviously is cake eating, but OM seems he may be starting to LB...not sure, but I'm fine!!! And I'll know, with the help of God, when the hope is gone. But I'm feeling so well...moving on, it's truly a recovery...for myself!! And it may well lead to the best opportunity for a recovery of my M....down the road!! Link to Original Post


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Originally Posted By: mywifeIlove 3/5/2006
On going back to Plan A....Steve said I went to Plan B too early...(didn't consult the Harleys before...just assumed when WW moved out, that it would be a good time!) But is very much dependent on "my energy" and her "receptiveness". And with the other factors I mentioned in prior post...he said it's ok to go back to Plan A...slowly...and only when she initiates the contact. It certainly has thrown her for a loop!! And the bonus is that it appears OM doesn't like it now!! I guess he thought that my month or so of a fairly Dark B, was it...I was out of their lives...and now I'm kinda the OM (ewwww) in his eyes.


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
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Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
Tiger and MrW thanks for the advice and link. It is tough I want to help her and be there for her. This B is making me stronger. I can never read her anyway. Between the game face she always has on and now no verbal communication it is tough. Going by MrW link to the story of MyWifeIlove... Should I continue with this for a while to see how she reacts. She started as mad and still tryong to be in control. She did not agree with this and this will go her way. Typical of her. WS has a dominant personality. We got along great bc I only have that personality at work. I'm odd in that conflict at work is fine but I dont have it anywhere else. She now has to cook, clean, do laundry and watch the kids all by herself. Before I always cleaned the house, mowed the lawn, clipped her dogs nails, did the laundry etc. She came home to a clean house with dinner on the table.

I have told her several times with the new and improved me, which I know she did'nt think I could do but did a 180 for the better immediately after she left, our lives would be so much better, our marriage stronger our family life the best. I know this is what she wants but she is at a bad spot. Her family is of mo help to me wanting to save the marraige (NONE of them have great relationships) ar being there for her. I don't feel that if I call them they would not tell her. Her one brother maybe. '

Should I continue with this and see if she tries to connect with me? I let the kids call her last night and the 5yo said "mom why did'nt you call to say goodnight?" WS said "I did'nt think your dad would answer. His phone is broken". I never spoke but I feel it is important that our kids say goodnight to us. Even though I called the other night and she did not answer and never played the voicemail for our kids (5yo told me). I can still do things to show her I am the great father she knows I am and that I can do good. I almost feel that I need to continue this for a while to A) see her reaction B) build my strength to possibly get a well organized plan together and do someting like aht MywifeIlove did.

I can develop a plan based on her reaction and if she tries to contact me or tells things to the 5yo. If this happens it willl be at least 2-3 weeks because she is stubborn. I KNOW I still love her and still want to make this work but I need to not physically see her (even a small amount of distance is helping). I know she is driven a little crazy because I told her when she got mad and said "then go out with someone" I told her "No. This is the man you married, a very faithful husband who will never cheat on you".

Any thoughts? I feel that no situaton here is standard because people and situations are all different. I can plan A for a long time but like I said she eats it up and it reinforces her affair. I feel that she is tinking "This is great I can continnue my affair and still have my great husband/father but have no physical connection to him". Cake eating. It is driving me nuts bc this is NOT my wife (I know the alien). This PlanB may be the only reality she sees and understands "Hey thats fine if this is what you want this is for the rest of your life".

If people think "Give it 2-4 weeks and see what happens and all the while work on a plan like MywifeIlove". Then great. Our 9 year anniversary is Aug 2 so maybe have the plan ready for action them???? Send flowers, a card and an invitation to a nice casual dinner? (nothing formal. Her choice of restaurant. I dress up nice [not my usual t shirts and shorts] and be a perfect gentleman????)

Thoughts. Thanks.

Joined: Oct 2005
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I can only guess what you'd be told were you to call for coaching. My best guess would be that...yes...you should stick to your Plan b for now. You've stated your boundaries and you need to stand by your word for at least a little while here. "Going Back" to plan A is unusual and I'd say you would only do so if your wayward wife...after a few weeks...begins to really pursue you and maybe complaining about OM. I think your straight up Plan A days are over and it's more like if you see an opportunity to bust up the affair then you MAY take it.

Flip flopping plans is NOT advised.


Although one poster...in 2006 went back into Plan and had success doesn't make it YOUR best option. Be mindful that the same intense feelings of withdrawal we hope your wayward wife is going through as you Plan B her ....you also will experience. One of the problems with a quickly implemented Plan B is that you aren't prepared to really go and stay dark. Your mind is going to play tricks on you and soon...I'm guessing...you'll be telling us all exactly why you had to have a meeting with your wayward wife even in Plan B. You are going to miss her and try to make excuses to talk to her and see her. If going back to Plan A is ever going to work...your Plan B NOW needs to be and remain solid or else she'll never fear you really going dark again.

I'm rambling.

4 weeks...at least...MISS the anniversary.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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