This meant so much to me, NED. Thank you.

Zhamila, thanks for the update. That is what life's about, right, enjoying the good days, like this weekend.

Oh no honey, I didn't mean to leave you blushing, I was serious. You went through a lot of hard trying times, and so good for you for enjoying a relaxing weekend with the family!

...Ha! I know this means "blush," but to me it just looks like a happy smile.

My H has a business trip starting tomorrow. I'm going with him to the lake resort and we'll spend the weekend (no kiddos). We're still doing ok, taking things day by day.

He hasn't been abusive for several days. And he seems to be getting better in his responses to me when we disagree. He also saw the $ I took out of our account to pay a retainer to an attorney last Friday. But he didn't blow up or anything when I told him what the $ was for. He just asked if we could get it back.

Part of not posting here much has been my planning a separation. I didn't want him to know my plans. But now he knows, and we are still on the mend. I will be so relieved if I don't have to go through with it, but I'm still taking things slowly in my heart. It took time to tear down the trust, it will take time to build it back up.

I am living without assumptions, expectations, or baggage. No relationship conversations or anything. Just trying to stay in the moment.

That's awesome Zhamila. For me it was a really big shift to make, going from years of walking on eggshells, trying to find some momentary peace, to being the buyer, the one who knew if my relationship was going to make it, then there is room to be honest about what did and did network for me, too. Taking things slowly sounds so much more honest of a reflection of what someone who has been through what you have been through would be.

Thanks again NED!

I think it's been 10 days since H has had an AO. And today he responded with care to a complaint (it was a really small complaint, I don't even remember what - but he was so nice about it, I remember that part).

He's been in meetings all day. I relaxed in the room, reading and whatnot. We did the dinner and reception thing together and met his peeps. No UA time.

He snuggled me before he fell asleep. He seems happy.

If the AOs and DJs are truly gone, I will be very relieved. Then we can start doing the EN part. I still struggle with ambivalence, but I'm not "on edge" all the time waiting for him to blow up.

I still haven't made any long term commitment. Still taking things day by day, in case this is another "cycle." Does that make me a renter? Yikes.

Having re-read my posts, I am really suprised I didn't separate weeks ago. Thank you to those who encouraged me, and are giving me the strength to carry on - either way. I'll try not to be stupid anymore.

Zhamila, I'm so happy to read this! I hope you enjoy the trip

I'm trying to process the weekend. He seemed very happy until I mentioned something that wasn't purely positive. For example: We spent RC time together but with little conversation. There were several instances of his "interrupt, change the subject" - which shut me down. I mentioned it to him (in a positive way, acknowledging his efforts, etc etc), and his response was a defensive, "I thought you were done talking," which is the same thing I've heard over and over. I told him it would make me feel great if he simply asked, "What are you thinking about?" or asked further questions. The problem is his interrupting and changing the subject. He got upset and told me he doesn't want to talk about it until tomorrow - which is discouraging to me.

The other thing is seeing him look at other women 3x. I didn't mention it the first time, then gave him "the look" the second time, then shut down the third time. I haven't brought it up because he gets angry when I mention it. He says I make "False Accusations" and he says it's an LB when I say, "I don't like you looking at her." He always denies it and gets upset with me. So I haven't brought it up...but it's draining my LB$ so much that I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

Later in the car he asked me, "What are you thinking about?" - well I was thinking about his ogling women & how much it hurts and how this happens in every relationship I've been in - argh. I said, "Well, it's not a very happy thought, and you said you prefer to hear happy things. Do you still want to hear it?" He said, "As long as you keep it brief." I said, "Never mind."

Then I mentioned that I wanted to stop in at a store before we left town. He said, "We're not going there." wow. He caught himself and said, "I don't want to go that way." OK.

Finally, I was admiring the decor in a restaurant, saying how much I like some of the ideas for the kitchen. He shot down every thing I said by telling me how much he didn't like it, that he wasn't enthusiastic about it, etc. I am fine hearing his thoughts on decor....but I am really tired of having all my sentences opposed. I mean, how hard would it be to say, "Glad you like that," or something? It's not like we're standing in the tile store buying tile right then! No decisions were being made, just tossing around ideas. I was frustrated and discouraged.

I mean, he hasn't yelled at me this weekend so that's good. But our conflicts are not getting resolved, and they are piling up again. Do you pull the plug on a relationship just for this kind of stuff? It sounds ridiculous to explain to anyone else, but it sure feels bad inside.

What now?

Hmmmmmm......here is what I promised myself last week (how soon I forget):

�I will do nothing out of guilt, or fear, or frustration, just be 'friendly' and honest with myself - and him - and see what happens.�

I violated this promise. I've started doing things out of fear and frustration again. Why do I do this? It's crazy and it hurts!

Stop it, self!

Z, you caught yourself early. You know trust returning isn't an overnight process, so it's easy to see why you default to old behaviors as a way to have some way to steer the outcome. Except that we don't get to steer other's behavior, only our own. Today's a new day. Good luck!

Z,

Just got done reading your latest update. Glad you went with him on his trip. Great news about the no AO's for 10 days! Sounds like Mr. Z is making an effort!

Sorry things didn't go as well as they could have. I like what NED wrote, today IS a new day. You mentioned that you guys didn't get in much UA time. That's too bad.

My H and I have our ups and downs too, and not to sound like a broken record here, but I notice that when we start to slack on the UA time or any reason, my feelings start to go down, and fast! I find that I start to feel disconnected and frustrated with him, and our communication goes out the window as well.

I find that we HAVE TO get ALL the UA time in, meeting all 4 intimate needs, of course he can be pretty happy as long as his need for SF is being met, but if the other 3 are not there for me, I start to get angry and resentful, then I start to withdraw and shut down.

I am proud of you for hanging in! Can you talk to Mr. Z about really making time and focusing on the UA time for the next couple of weeks, and I mean the FULL UA TIME, with all four needs being met correctly?

I didn't know if you've seen this.
The critical importance of Undivided Attention

Oh my goodness brainy, thanks for posting that link! That's it, exactly! When ALL 4 needs are not being met from correct UA time, I find myself revisiting past mistakes made by H, I start taking HIS inventory, and then I am right back where I was!

Z, could this be related to the cycling you are seeing? I can honestly say when my H and I start "cycling" it always has something to do with the UA time, ALWAYS!

Once we are back on track with the UA time, I magically stop taking his inventory, or being so easily annoyed or frustrated with him.

I totally agree with your assessment, TisMe! In fact, we get SF and RC in our UA time. What we don't get is conversation, which has been a frustration of mine for a long time (see the beginning of my thread). I tried to talk to him about it over the weekend, and that's when he shut down. When I try to address it, he gets upset, regardless of how respectfully I bring it up.


I might try again tonight.

My H got onto my computer and read my journal from the past 9 months...it isn't a pretty thing: all my hurt feelings and frustrations in one place. He was very upset and told me I don't seem very 'committed' to the marriage.

I told him I have been very committed: seeking counseling, posting here, doing all the assignments Steve gave me, writing the Harleys, eliminating LBs, learning to meet his ENs. I said I am conditionally committed at this point: watching to see if he makes the changes necessary for us to have a great marriage.

He said he feels like he's being held "hostage," that I am "just building a case against him," and "beating him down." He's not sure if he wants to be committed. I told him that's fine, it's his choice, that I want a great marriage with him - and a great marriage will require continued progress.

What amazes me is that he read many of our interactions word for word in my journal, but he didn't recognize or acknowledge his hurtful words or actions. He was most upset that I wrote them down.

Yes NED, I need to focus on my behavior. I have been friendly and honest today - even during the journal-reading debacle.

I told him I would have gladly shared all those things with him (in different language though!), but every time I've tried, he has gotten upset. I need a place to put all my feelings. It helps me process & see what is really going on.

Thanks Brain! I hadn't seen that yet.

Great stuff...I'm going to have to read it several times I'm sure.

You're welcome.