The weekend was okay, thanks for asking.
I found out he has another e-mail account that I didn't know about and wasn't given access to these past few weeks. Of course he does.

Feeling so worthless, feeling like she "won" though why would I want to win someone that lies... I know it's not the case, but how do I not feel that way?

My friend was telling me that I told her I always felt I was the last to know things, I was on a need to know basis in my relationship and I accepted it so even though others thought it was a bit strange, they went along. There were good times of course, I just don't think he ever was as open as I wanted him to be/should be and I simply ignored it or didn't realize because I was so content simply being with him.

He's holding off telling his grandmother he's decided on divorce bc once he does this is real and she's going to flip out. I think he's still hedging his bets w the OW bc he can see its not going to work full time but he cannot/will not quit either.

He texted me from another number sat night saying he was sorry and he never meant to hurt me like this and that he wants me to be safe if I'm going out (im always really careful and he knows that) and that he still cares despite everything. Then, to make it worse, he added a little comment referring to something I always said to him and said in our wedding vows.
I asked him please not to contact me at all and he got angry and said "fine, whatever, be dumb and get in trouble" and again, he knows I'm always the careful one, taking care of him. I've never gotten in trouble. He and OW both have highest level DUIs in our state, but i've never done anything like that. I didn't answer him.

It's like this sick knife twist into my stomach. I have no idea why that's necessary to do to me at this point.

Control?

I don't know why he's acting like this, it reminds me of a couple of exes I've had.

But the point is not WHY he is being this way, it's what YOU are going to do. You need away from him asap. See if there's a room you can rent from an old lady in the town where you work, just until things are sorted out. Your piece of mind is worth so much more than anything else. Is there anything you can sell? Furniture, extra computer, painting, jewelry? How about your wedding ring? I know, it might seem a little soon, but you need food, gas, a place to stay NOW.

Yes, you'll hear it said many times here that you can't control what they do, only what you do.

So, what are you doing?

My lawyer is in court this week and was in court the end of last week, so nothing I can do right now legally. Her paralegal does know I need I speak with her ASAP to try to speak w the mortgage company to move the decision along regarding the loan modification as well as to start procedures to ensure he is forced to pay something towards the costs of the house though she doesn't believe anything will be forced until they see late or missing mortgage payments.
My lawyer still thinks its best if I personally can convince him to sign the property settlement agreement she drafted as it gives the most money for the house upkeep and mortgage, because every time I've gotten her involved he drags his feet even more. He's had it to review for nearly 3 weeks now, and says he's still working on getting a lawyer to look it over.
I'm going to stay with my friend full time as right now I cannot force him to do anything with the house yet and he emailed from yet another email today that he doesn't see why we cannot live there together and I'm making things more difficult on myself, he's not the one.
I'm here now though and it's a mess, clothes on top of the washer and dryer, beer bottles in the bathroom, not appropriate to have showings in this condition at all. That worries me if I'm not there at all.
I am getting things together to sell as well. Hopefully not my rings yet, but if I have to I will.
I'm going to need to possibly get rid of my cat that I rescued and have had for 8 yrs bc I cannot find anyone to take her and I cannot bring her. I'm heartsick over the thought of getting rid of her. She just loves me unconditionally the way pets do and is always happy to see me, I really hope I can find someone to take her for a while.
That at least makes me greatful that we did not have children. Hard enough w a cat!

There is now food in the fridge he's never eaten before. Asparagus, tomatoes, red onion and vanilla ice cream sandwiches in the freezer. I always asked him to try asparagus as I like it and tomatoes, he said he hated them, he'd pick tomatoes off sandwiches wo even trying it and picked them out of things in general. I had to hide red onion as he would only eat sweet onions. He does not like vanilla ice cream, and doesn't eat sweet things like that in general. We never had ice cream in the house bc I was the only one that ate it. I've known this man for almost 13 yrs, together for 12, what is going on?!?
Does this mean she was in my house? That makes me sick to my stomach.

MO, can you set up a VAR in the house for when you are not there? I'm sorry, but I still think your best option is to change the locks and miss a payment or two to move the loan mod along.

can any vets chime in?

Movingonward,

For some reason your sitch caught my eye the other night and I read it all.

I think what caught me was you have been in and out of PLB-FR-and back and forth at the house.

Your WH like my WW gives just enough so we let our defenses down a little and then WHAMMOOO.

I am possibly not the best poster to give advice here but you have recieved very good suggestions all along.

What you may want to consider...This is what I saw in your posts...

If you leave the house vacant your WH is free to bring any "Thing" there. This may be part of his plan. Move the Sl*t into your home. He knows you-For some reason-Not sure why-honor his request to be there on certain nights and be gone. This is a free ticket for disrespect to you and your M.

Who knows what he is telling this hose-bag?

How much is this house worth compared to your mental health? Can you put a $$$ figure on it for us?

A couple of options.
Walk...Run away from the house and take your chances he will move hose-bag in.....

PlanB...Truely Plan B with all his crap sitting on the curb....change the locks...have a talk with your neighbors and let them know whats going on and WH is not to be there....call the police if he shows up on the property...anything to show him he is to keep out....don't show your face here until you meet my list of conditions with no games.

Lower the price on the house to a point where you may break even with a sale if its possible.

Your WH has walked all over you and your letting him. He knows how important credit is to you. Show him you mean business this time...Hang onto the house while you keep him locked out. Get the lawyer going. Court doesn't run from sunrise till nightfall.

RQ will definately be a good IM. Come to the board before....not after...before you move on ideas and run it by other posters.

Perform a good Plan B-keeping WH's crapola out of YOUR life- and all the while prepare plans for when the house sells. If this hose-bag was so great he wouldn't even spend time coming back to the house. He would be gone. There already is some kind of trouble brewed in the relationship they have right now. You need to force hose-bag to meet all his needs.

Do you think she can? My money is on no way. Sad to say but his poor choices don't necessarily mean they have to become your problems...

nESRE

Movingonward

The smaraZZ in me says to call him up and thank him for stocking up the fridge.

Would that be plan A?

nESRE

ITA

nESRE

Throw that crap out. Don't let OW put her sh*t in your refrigerator. Yuck!

nESRE, thanks for the chuckle and the vote of confidence

After the phone call, I would do as marital bliss said and toss it all in the garbage.

Can I legally change the locks? I didn't think I could do that.
I will ask my lawyer about that also to move into a real plan B.
I didn't even sleep last night with a pill. It's going to be a long day, but thankfully I have my glass making class tonight and I'm seeing my mom there so that will be nice.
Credit vs peace of mind, I don't know. I'm going to talk to my IC about it on Thursday. What if I need to buy a car, or want to buy a house later? I hear of so many people whose credit is destroyed by divorce, and I feel like its one of the only "me" things that I can hang onto. I feel like its another thing I worked hard to maintain and it helped us get this house and his car and why does he get to take that away as well?
I was sharing nights in the house bc of the money, because he said he wasn't certain of divorce, bc I trigger badly here and don't really want to be here much either, and bc I never thought he'd bring her here, he kept the two lives separate. But now that she's on his FB (even though his status is still listed as married - sick!) I feel he's bringing her into the open and I cannot have her in my house.
I wonder if I can amend the property settlement agreement to say she is not permitted to be on the property?
Until then, var's are a good idea.

Anyone who owns the house can change the locks. He can also change the locks back, but hopefully it will be too much of a hastle for him.

MO

Short on time-gotta go to work.


Did you ever give WH a formal PLB letter? Did you have the board here critque it?

You are allowing the WH to run you over by thinking he will play nice and fair in all this.

Active addicts do not play by the same set of rules that most of society plays by.

You will needt to toughen up or expect more of the same and worse as this goes along.

BH is right. He could change the locks back but you will have at least through a PLB letter asked WH to respect your wishes in this and laid out the conditions that he may return to the M.

Do you fathom that WH is disrespecting you and your M in the worst way possible? Only with your actions will you SHOW WH that he is free to make a piss poor choice if he wants but that you wil not be a part of it for your own sanity.

Believe me this can get a lot worse.

My X broke plan b 3x's-even when my DD and I moved to an apt 20 miles away. Waywards do not operate/behave like the rest of so called normal society.

nESRE

Quoted for emphasis. Stop letting your fog-addled selfish WH walk all over you. Work on your plan B letter, post it here so we can critique it for you. Then go to your closest hardware store and buy a new lock. Yes, You have every right to change the locks on your own house. I had to change the locks on mine. When kiss called the cops about it, they told me I had to give him a key in a reasonable amount of time. He never did get the key until the kids and I had moved out.

MO, I went back and re-read te first few pages of your thread. Did you ever expose the POSOW and your WH??

**OK, I see that you did. Were you able to do a complete exposure? Is his family aware?**

This was the letter, sent on 04/19:

Dear -----,
�

�I would primarily like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the difficulties of our marriage. As I have said previously I have made mistakes in the past that cannot be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors and am working to learn from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I caught up in the busy-ness of every day life, and I helped create a void in our marriage that helped allow your affair to happen. I did not realize how much it meant to you for me to be there for you physically and how little time I was actually investing in specific physical aspects. The handholding, the hugs �and the snuggling to name a few. I now clearly see many of those things I was lacking and missing in the last few years that weren�t lacking previously.
�
I don�t want to do this but I strongly feel that if you are not willing to move home and to cease communications with her to work on this marriage that I need to cease communication with you. -------- will be our only point of contact in emergency situations and when you do decide to work on the marriage and meet all of my requirements. I do not see that any further discussion is necessary regarding monthly bills as we went over the budget and now you clearly know what money you need to transfer each pay period.
�
I believe this would not be a surprise to you as I mentioned in an e-mail that I was thinking of this if you would not move home and I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect the feelings that I have for you. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery.
�
I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. I have been so enjoying spending time with you and rediscovering each other. Therefore, I ask you to know torturous pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with her. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and she are together.�

When you decide to work on this marriage, I respectfully require the following conditions be met:

1. NC (no contact - ever) letter drafted by you, sent to me to be proof read and then send via registered mail by us together
2. Total transparency (phone, email, fb) including all pw and account information
3. Individual counseling
4. Marriage counseling via MB (marriage builders program - we can decide the best method)
5. NC with any friends you made/interacted with from there
6. NC with any friends that are not friends of the marriage
7. No going anywhere with friends alone

I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

Love,

-----


I did expose to all of his family/friends except his grandmother as his uncle asked me not to. She's 94 and in poor health and I'm seriously afraid this would kill her. I could never forgive myself or him for that. (this happened to my own great grandmother, she found out about her DILs infidelity and other race child she tried to pass off as her husbands and was shortly found dead of a heart attack)

His family aren't really close to him, so aside from his mom and sister no one really said anything. They think it's wrong and told him that, but they don't care enough to do anything. His friends are the same, think its wrong, but they just want him to be happy blah blah blah, he won't listen to them so why keep trying to tell him. (he doesn't see them much. He texts them every day and will go see a movie w one of them alone, but they have little kids so for the most part they are busy)
One wife actually called me to tell me to control my husband bc he's a bad influence on her husband. One husband told his wife not to talk to me bc he didn't want whatever I did to deserve it to rub off on her to think she can behave that way.

It's crushing. I thought these people were my friends for almost 13 yrs.
I was a good wife, I tried so hard to make him happy. I had no idea he was unhappy until very near to DDay bc he lied to me about it for nearly 2 yrs!. So far the only think he keeps saying us that for 10 yrs I went to watch football and the movies with him/his friends every Friday/Saturday night. Going w friends kind of dropped off when everyone got married/started having kids. Then one yr I didn't go bc my dad drove 1.5 hrs to go w him every Friday to try to bond with him, and he knew it bc we talked about it. Then this last yr I helped my mom clean out my grams house on weekends after she died as well as got a second job on the weekend to try to pay down debt that he agreed to and went w him to see his family every weekend as well. I texted/called him all the time while i was gone and still kept up doing everything and tried to fit in a movie once a week or two during the week for just us.
He says bc I stopped going to games/movies on Fridays/Saturdays he thought I didn't love him and that's why he accepted her phone number.

The issue is, I don't want to go back to that life even if he wakes up. My plan B letter wasn't fully truthfully as I did do those things I mentioned on a weekly basis, I just thought I should do them more as at the time I couldn't imagine not going to football games was enough of an emotional need for an affair when I was doing some of those recreational things w him each week. (I see now it was and I clearly didn't understand) I hardly had any life of my friends being a part of our married life, we have no savings bc he doesn't see why he has to stop buying clothes and going places just bc of the house. I've tried over and over in different ways to explain and he keeps saying that I don't have extra money, but he does. It's not "our" money which isn't what he said when we got married. I don't think he'll agree w all of the joint aspects of MB. He says we needed to be a team, but I don't see how his actions showed that. Maybe I just need to look at it that he can learn these things, just like I can learn to be better as well instead of assuming from his prior behavior that he won't.

Ok, I'm not gonna beat you up for not sticking to the requirements because I was wishy washy with that to. But anyway, I had seen someone post an abbreviated Plan B letter. I'll see if I can find it or if my good friend, Brainhurts, can.



You definitely find out the truth about people when something like this happens. Don't let it bother you. Kiss's family and friends were the same way.



This is not about what you did or didn't do. It did not give him a reason to check out of the marriage and have an affair. It has to do about his bouandaries with women and not protecting his EN's.You can have a great marriage, better than what was before. But you both have to be onboard with the recovery program of meeting needs and spending time together, etc. I would suggest you read this here

~RQ

Here's a good one from Pep.

I would send him a letter cutting off contact, telling him you are not interested in reconcilation. That way you don't have to tell him anything. I would send a very modified Plan B letter cutting off contact and telling him to contact a designated intermediary. And I would not make it the typical love letter. [/quote]

Sample:

Adulterous ex-husband,

I am writing this letter to inform you that as of today (date), we will no longer be in direct contact with each other.

This step has become necessary for me to protect myself from all the unwanted romantic overtures you continue to make towards me while living with your current girl-friend (name), your adultery partner.

You do not phone me. You do not email me. You do not message me. You are never again welcome to enter the sanctity of my home. Any violation of these requests will be documented, and necessary steps will be taken to enforce and protect my safety.

All necessary communications regarding any co-parenting issues will be handled by indirect communication via my chosen intermediary (name and contact info). If you send any non business related communication, there will be no response from my intermediary (name).

In the event of an actual child-related emergency (serious illness or injury), contact my (mother? father? sister? choose a close relative) and I will immediately respond.

Good-bye.
Treeclimber

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Send a copy to OW.
Send copies to the IM, you family members, and your attorney.




Are you thinking this one RQ? Pep came up with this one for a poster to go to Plan B after D.

Yes, that was the one Brain! Thank you!! I was trying to search all the threads that I frequent becuase I couldn't remember who the poster was. LOL

Of course tweak it to match your sitch, MO. But most of it will work for you.