Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 13 1 2 8 9 10 11 12 13
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
I am very worried about your Plan B because you keep talking about her reaction to it. You want to see what effect it will have on her, but that isn't a part of a true Plan B.

When you called, was that after your Plan B was implemented? Because the fact that she heard your voice is actually a break in PB. She would get a fix of you. My WH hasn't even so much as heard my voice in over 2 years.

Maybe you could look into getting a cheap cell phone for the kids to take with them, and you could use that when you call, although you have no control over your wW answering. In my case, I don't call my children when they are with their father, although, that's only every other Sunday night. I do think it is a better idea to have the children call the parent not with them, and have a set time when it is done.

Plan b isn't just about NC, it is a state of mind. It is protection. It is about healing the BS. It isn't meant as a temporary back and forth.

You should call the coaching center and get a plan that is more geared to your exact situation.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Did you give your WW a PBL?

Do you feel like you were able to show your best side in Plan A?

Will you be able to stay dark?

Are you ready to stay dark for LIFE? Because, even if you follow what MrW suggested, if your WW doesn't show some interest in the next couple of months, Plan B could be your reality. Are you ready for that?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
Lh, you have a bit of problem. Pal, you made the mistake of jumping to Plan B way too quickly, and now you've severely complicated your sitch. I really do wish you would've consulted the board before making this kind of move. You've got some really good people that are fully versed in the MB concepts on board with you here, but you really threw a monkey wrench into the plan with your hair trigger.

At this point, I would follow what MrW suggested. Follow your PB for a few weeks and see what happens. See how she responds, and then I guess act accordingly. But please don't make anymore massive decisions like the one you did before checking here first. Not doing so will only hurt you. You really have hurt yourself and your chances for recovery with this move.

I like Scotty's idea of the prepaid cell phone for contact with the kids. That leaves no room for error.

BTW, you're not even close to being ready for a true PB, and you know it. Like Scotty said above, are you really prepared to never see her again..forever? I don't think so. So just what do you want?

I am kind of curious as to why you felt the need to send that PB letter this soon, and it really is quite soon. If you're that worn out over this, then I understand completely. But, then again, if you were that worn out over all this you wouldn't give a damn about her reaction to it, but yet, you do seem to be.

That begs the question: What was your true motive in sending that letter?

What gives?


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Guys, LH is confused, hurt, and a bit lost on what to do.

LH, tonight was a step backwards and at this point I really need you to figure out what plan you're in. Plan A is what you were in before, but you say that is too painful. Plan B seemed to be going ok, but not it's been broken and there's been a major encounter with WW.

I'm a bit at a loss. If you want to save your marriage, then you must Plan A with preparation for a true honest to God Plan B where there is no contact at all and an attitude on your part that you won't hear her voice or see her if necessary.

Otherwise, I say you quit waiting to react and take action yourself on the legal front. You need to secure a solid visitation schedule.

Find out if you can confront OM. I liked your idea of exposing at his job. I recommend you talk to your supervisor and let them know you will be exposing at OM's job and that you can expect that they may try to retaliate with false accusations against you. I don't believe they will. WW needs you to be employed. OM can't really do anything.

You need to take the attitude with this man that you are going to fight for your marriage and that HE is the problem. That means confronting him and taking a buddy with you if necessary that can be a witness that you didn't step out of line or do anything stupid.

Digging up the info on OM's family has been a dead end, but that doesn't prevent you from exposing to the man's job.

For the board members: OM and WW work for same company, but in different states. They live 50 miles apart, but the company is a big financial company.

Scaring OM away is a worthy objective. Right now you're in Plan C, which is basically Plan LH. Pick one or the other. You broke NC. You could have easily had me text WW that she was supposed to drop kids off at your parents and that you wouldn't answer the door.

I think she needs to get a reality check in terms of what she's looking for. I am telling you that if she insists on going down the path of D that you need to tell her that not only will you not be friends when it is all said and done but that you won't make a D easy and that you'll go for everything if she pursues this path.

But the bottom line here is that you need to pick a plan and stick to it. If Plan A is too hard, then Plan B properly. That means you use the time right now to set yourself up for Plan B while you Plan A. Get a visitation schedule in place. You have an IM ready. Take the legal actions you need to establish protections for yourself and the kids. Report OM and WW to his HR. Heck, call OM's clients if necessary and have a subpoena served to him to come to a deposition to testify of his affair with your WW.

You keep hoping you say the magic words to wake her up. It isn't going to happen. She isn't going to wake up to words. Actions will wake her up.


Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
Originally Posted by helpthelostdads
I liked your idea of exposing at his job. I recommend you talk to your supervisor and let them know you will be exposing at OM's job and that you can expect that they may try to retaliate with false accusations against you. I don't believe they will. WW needs you to be employed. OM can't really do anything.

You need to take the attitude with this man that you are going to fight for your marriage and that HE is the problem. That means confronting him and taking a buddy with you if necessary that can be a witness that you didn't step out of line or do anything stupid.

Digging up the info on OM's family has been a dead end, but that doesn't prevent you from exposing to the man's job.

For the board members: OM and WW work for same company, but in different states. They live 50 miles apart, but the company is a big financial company.
This is your solution. Did I just miss it, or was it never disclosed they work together? This is kind of an important piece of info. With the way our financial institutions are crapping their own beds these days, the last thing they want is a problem not of their own making.

Make it a problem.

LH, htld is right. There is NO way he can come after you through your job with this. Telling the truth isn't against the law.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
What happened with the webites I recommended for finding OMs family?

Was his name just too common or what? Does he come from a small village big city or what? What do you know about him?

I am sure a PI could dig this stuff up. This is VITAL and should not be skipped over.

Workplace exposure is vital too.

IMO, the example Mr W posted of a man who went back to Plan A screwed up by going into Plan B too soon. If peoples emotions are flagging and they need a break, you can take a break from Plan Aing and get some down time before picking it up again. You don't have to go into Plan B.

The main problem here is LHAAFs focus is on his WWs feeling, words and reactions.

Can we just get your agreement, LHAAF that she is a drunk alien and that NOTHING she says/does/feels or does while wayward is important.

If your wife was rolling around drunk arguing with furniture and she told you she hated everyone, would you try to talk her into being sober while she drank?

Of course not. You'd take away the bottle.

If you KILL the affair, you take away her bottle.

You can't talk to her while the affair is ongoing. You can listen to her or watch her. SO STOP IT.

Your very unMB version of Plan B is just another way of watching her reactions without taking the bottle away.

You need to get back into Plan A, even if that means taking a break from being around her for a while (you can Plan A from afar)

And take away her bottle! Bust up the affair with exposure to workplace and OM family.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted by loveherafaad
I asked her if she thinks she will regret it and she says "It's irrelevant".


I asked the rambling drunk a question and she responded with rambling.

Originally Posted by loveherafaad
I can never read her anyway. .


I can't tell what the drunk person thinks or feels because drunk people neither think or feel.

Originally Posted by loveherafaad
Should I continue with this for a while to see how she reacts. .


Should I continue talking to the drunk while she drinks to see if I get a sober reaction?

Originally Posted by loveherafaad
She started as mad and still tryong to be in control. She did not agree with this and this will go her way..

The drunk got mad when I told her she should not be drunk.

Originally Posted by loveherafaad
Should I continue with this and see if she tries to connect with me?


Will the drunk voluntarily put the bottle down?

Originally Posted by loveherafaad
I can develop a plan based on her reaction

My plans are to based on the reactions of a crazy drunk.


MywifeIlove went into Plan B too soon and had to fix it by going back into Plan A. So do you. You are not willing to even do a true Plan B because you haven't stopped phone contact with her.

You can Plan A from afar with phone and text and email if you need a break. Or just take a few days to be still and do nothing.

Stop going off on tangents when the drunk says something drunk.

Originally Posted by loveherafaad
I feel that she is tinking "This is great I can continnue my affair and still have my great husband/father but have no physical connection to him". Cake eating.

Yes. Accurately diagnosed.

But your solution is to take away husband cake before she's really had a bite and do nothing to stop OM serving endless free cake? How is that going to help?

KILL the AFFAIR.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I keep hearing the message, LHAAF that your emotions are preventing a true Plan A.

What is being done to resolve this?

Did you look into ADs as I suggested?

Have you requested time off work?

Are you sleeping?

Eating?

Asking loved ones for support?

Your feelings are under your control. Not your wifes.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
To All Thnaks fo ryour help. I spoke with Ws today. When she left she THOUGHT she MIGHT be able to make it work (HUGE maybe). When the news of the affair broke she lost the respect of my family and ALL of her friends. She has no one and does NOT want to even try to work on the marraige. No friends no family to her it is to hard to save the marriage. She goes back to my financial infidelity and lack of respect attached to that and some other things as reasons not to save the marriage. She is still not getting the divorce papers in order. I talked with a lawyer. He gave me the name and number of a mediator who does divorce all for 2500 and under. We are broke but can afford that. I gave her the informations last week and she still has yet to call. I want her to do the papers. I will ALWAYS be able to tell my children that dad tried and was always faithful and did not want the divorce. EVERYTHING I do from here on out is for my children. I will speak with her and she knows I still want it to work (I know she will not change her mind. You think a mule is stubborn??? Lol).

I had my blood pressure checked and its fine (except when I talk about her) and have a physical and STD screening set up. I'm prepping to go on with my life. It takes 2 to make a marriage work and she knows I want to but if she does not I can't make her. Somewhere out there is a woman who wants a honest and faithful man who is a great father. I will find her or at least have fun trying.

I know I will have good and bad days but hopefully the good days will eventually outnumber the bad and as long as my children are happy and healthy I will be fine. Thanks to all for there input and advice. I will continue to post on the board and hopefully others will learn.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
I have had minimal time off work (very small dept so manpower is low). Lost about 14 pounds (lowest weight since 2003. and eat as I can.

WS asked how the dr visit went and inspite of her never telling me what is going on with her health and dr visits I told her.

I feel she has a right to know as we have children in common and if something happens to me or her medically it affects them. She is bitter and angry but still says "I care about you".

I will recover as all of you have. Some fair better some worse. Some take along time other no so long. I will never forget her and the great memories but that is what they will be memories. Time to close the book and maybe start a new one.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
LH, why are you giving up so quickly when you can kill this with workplace exposure? You've already expressed that you are willing to work things out with her, yet you are unwilling to do the things necessary to kill the affair and start moving your life forward again with your wife.

You have one monster military grade weapon in your hands to save your marriage, yet you refuse to pull the trigger.

Why?


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Thank you, Wes, for asking what I was thinking!


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
htld, can you smack this guy upside the head for me??!!

LH, you are a cop, and I fully respect that. You have my admiration because you perform a duty that not many are capable of. Isn't the police motto, "To Serve and to Protect"?

Why do you so willingly (every damned day) lay your life on the line for people you don't even know, but are so unwilling to lay your life on the line for someone you do know and adore?

It just doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It does not compute.

Unless, of course, it's fear. Hey, we know that fear. We've all been there. That fear is real and palpable. But you know what, it's unfounded fear. It's not rational and it's certainly not helpful where you are right now. You yourself have admitted that you are pretty much done. Why? I'm not at all sure. Okay, let's assume you have accepted that things are what they are, and the ending result will be the same no matter what. If that's true, the just what the hell do you have to lose by doing a workplace exposure MB style?

Seriously......what do you have to lose????????

I'm trying to help you in my meager little way, but I think it's time you start trying to help yourself. I believe you've fallen into the trap that your sitch is different. It's not, it SOP. Forget the fact that you're a cop, and just pretend for a second that you are a construction worker, or whatever. What would you do then? Seriously, what would you do then?

You are making excuses to not do this and that because of the badge you wear. Well, [censored]!!! Using your badge as an excuse to not perform your marital duty to protect your wife and your marriage is a disgrace to the badge you wear, not to mention it's just a convenient cop out for you. Just another excuse. It's nothing more than that and you know it!

Alright, rant over. I can't make you do everything necessary to save your marriage. Only you can. For someone who claims to love his wife and marriage so dearly you sure don't seem all that willing to actually prove it by doing everything possible to restore what is broken.

What do you really want your end result to be?


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Loveher, okay, what is your plan right now exactly?

If you didn't give her a PBL, I would say that you could get right back into Plan A, but understand this, you will assume that the IS contact with OM. Plan A for BH's is about winning the WW back from OM. It's a competition, and the BH is much better than OM, in all ways, it just takes some WW's a lot longer to figure that out.

Loveher, have you ever been unfaithful to your WW? Are you considering dating before you are divorced? What if your WW NEVER files paperwork out for mediation or divorce? Will you be okay with not dating for the next 10, 20, 30 years?

Have you read ALL of the information on this site? Have you read through the newly BS thread in my siggy? It explains Plan A and Plan B a little bit differently than in the book SAA. Have you read SAA?

There is A LOT of work for Plan A, there is even more work for Plan B, and recovery is harder still. Are you willing to put in the work? Understand, this will be EXTREMELY emotionally taxing. You're going to need to read other BH's threads and see what you are dealing with.

It may be easier on you emotionally to PA your WW while you two are separated. Remember, you want to fill ENs(what are her top 3?) and avoid LBs(what LB are you guilty of committing? AOs, DJs, SDs, IB?).

Have you read GJM's thread in it's entirety? Although he is now divorced, he EARNED his way out of his marriage, due to his AMAZING Plan A. And when he thought it was getting to be too much, he leaned on the board, and we kept him on task. Also, look up Mortarman's thread(s). He posted to GJM during that much needed time, and he has an amazing story himself of winning back his WW. Even MrW won back MrsW. There are more, but this will get you started.

So, Loveher, what is it that you want now?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,343
Likes: 3
Here you go. These are good ones to start with.


Mortarman update H-hour had begun
Mortarman Update: Custody battle begins


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted by loveherafaad
I feel she has a right to know as we have children in common and if something happens to me or her medically it affects them. She is bitter and angry but still says "I care about you".


So the wayward is still at the wheel. I weep for your family. STEP UP. So far all I've seen is you sit down, do nothing and gratefully accept any crumbs the wayward throws your way. I hope you enjoy dancing to the tune of a drunk crazy person for life while your children see this as their model for a relationship.

Originally Posted by TigerWes
You are making excuses to not do this and that because of the badge you wear. Well, [censored]!!! Using your badge as an excuse to not perform your marital duty to protect your wife and your marriage is a disgrace to the badge you wear, not to mention it's just a convenient cop out for you. Just another excuse. It's nothing more than that and you know it!


Couldn't agree more. Its not his job, its his attitude.

Why are you REFUSING to take the steps needed here to protect your family LAAF?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 57
I've asked her if there is ANYTHING I can do to help our marriage? To start working things out. I've told her the family and friends that stay after we get back together are the ones there for us. She wants to hear NONE of it. She is bound and determined NOT to get back with me EVER! The affair is the affair. IF I could break it she would just find someone other than me. Our son has told her before that he wants mommy and daddy to stay together and he could make it work. She ignored that (got angry at me but he knows what is going on). If her own son can't break the "addiction" (she will always love him). Then what can I do.

She says she is lagging on the divorce because I can't afford everything on my own (it would be VERY tight). She says we save alot of money on car/house insurance and if we divorce we can't use that anymore. That does not sound right. I understand I would have to come off of the health insurance but I don't think we have to tell the car and house insurance companies of the divorce. I have told her not see anyone including me and to sort things out. She says that she has nothing to sort out. All of the financial infidelity and connected lack of respect ended her desire to stay in the marriage. I could be the last guy on earth and she would not choose me (not down on me). With the loss of family and friends and the rumors that are running rampant coming back to the marriage is impossible. She only has her family and co-workers, her job and the children. She knows what my dad thinks of her. I think she had a plan of a quiet affair, see if I changed , come back and never mention (or even she would continue) the affair. When it was found out we were done. I asked her last night "How did we loose it all in 4 months?" She had no answer. She is very angry that I try to work things out and tell her I'm still here for her. It is not the affair so much as my screw ups and the loss of the family and friends. I will weigh my options on the best way to expose the affair. I have to be careful bc the job I'm applying for WILL talk to her and if I screw with her job she can EASILY end my career.

I will talk to HFLD and try to gather a well thought out plan. Thanks.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted by loveherafaad
I've asked her if there is ANYTHING I can do to help our marriage? To start working things out. I've told her the family and friends that stay after we get back together are the ones there for us. She wants to hear NONE of it. She is bound and determined NOT to get back with me EVER! The affair is the affair. IF I could break it she would just find someone other than me. Our son has told her before that he wants mommy and daddy to stay together and he could make it work. She ignored that (got angry at me but he knows what is going on). If her own son can't break the "addiction" (she will always love him). Then what can I do.

She says she is lagging on the divorce because I can't afford everything on my own (it would be VERY tight). She says we save alot of money on car/house insurance and if we divorce we can't use that anymore. That does not sound right. I understand I would have to come off of the health insurance but I don't think we have to tell the car and house insurance companies of the divorce. I have told her not see anyone including me and to sort things out. She says that she has nothing to sort out. All of the financial infidelity and connected lack of respect ended her desire to stay in the marriage. I could be the last guy on earth and she would not choose me (not down on me). With the loss of family and friends and the rumors that are running rampant coming back to the marriage is impossible. She only has her family and co-workers, her job and the children. She knows what my dad thinks of her. I think she had a plan of a quiet affair, see if I changed , come back and never mention (or even she would continue) the affair. When it was found out we were done. I asked her last night "How did we loose it all in 4 months?" She had no answer. She is very angry that I try to work things out and tell her I'm still here for her. It is not the affair so much as my screw ups and the loss of the family and friends. I will weigh my options on the best way to expose the affair. I have to be careful bc the job I'm applying for WILL talk to her and if I screw with her job she can EASILY end my career.

I will talk to HFLD and try to gather a well thought out plan. Thanks.




What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
OK. So your post tells us a whole lot about what a drunk person was rambling on about when you were foolish enough to try to sense to them. But.....

So what?

So what if she says/thinks/wants stuff?

No one cares what the drunk wayward says or thinks or wants.

If she says she loves you - SHE IS LYING

If she says she hates you SHE IS LYING

If she says the marriage has been miserable for years SHE IS LYING

If she says it is raining, look up to check because SHE IS PROBABLY LYING.

So stop trying to have little chats with her ok?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
You need to read this thread.

Never Take the Word of a Wayward

Here are some highlights from the thread...

Originally Posted by indiegirl
Dear me.


It seems like every other post from newbie BSs on this forum seems to contain the phrase 'My WS says....'

This is ok (ish), except when followed by the fatal 'I do believe him/her'

The worst ones then follow up with a desire to 'trust'.

I therefore submit a golden rule.......

NEVER TAKE THE WORD OF A WAYWARD. IF THEY SAY THE SKY IS BLUE -LOOK UP TO CHECK. IT SOUNDS TRUE BUT IT IS PROBABLY RAINING.

Now everyone of us has been there, been gaslighted, been lied to very convincingly by people who we love and know to have honest and upstanding pasts. (oh yes, it's not just yours!)

That goes out of the window when they become addicts however.

A truly repentent wayward will jump through hoops to prove themselves with actions like an NC letter or a polygraph.

Words are just too inadequate and they know that.

Here is my top ten of things waywards lie about

1) It was an EA only
It was a PA, but if I tell you the truth that will have to stop and you will probably leave me.
2)It was a PA, but we only did it once/oral/kissing
I minimimize what I am ashamed of, though there is no logic in doing so.
3)It is your fault for not meeting my ENs
This makes me feel less guilty about my non existent boundaries with the opposite sex
4)Our marriage has been miserable for years
This makes me feel less guilty about my non existent boundaries with the opposite sex
5)I do not love you - I love the OP
I have betrayed my morals and everything I once believed in. I must love the OP - or else I am just stupid for risking so much. Actually I am just greedy and stupid. Dont tell anyone.
6)I want a divorce
But I will not bother filing. This is an idle threat to scare you into submission.
7) She/he is just a friend
That I value more than your discomfort with their presence.
8) I need privacy, that's all
So I can cheat on you
9) I dont need an NC letter because there is no contact
Please dont make me give up my cake
10)You are jealous/controlling/demanding
You are getting really warm and I dont like it.

Can I please invite others to share lies they were told/told themselves that were really convincing and why they should NOT be believed without proof?

Cheers.


Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by Caracal
Originally Posted by indiegirl
That goes out of the window when they become addicts however.
Found this on another site, something I have found helpful in understanding WH's behaviour is not about me, it is ALL about him... Helps with seeing the wayward's behaviour for what it is.

Replace addicts with waywards, after all, they are one and the same.
1. Addicts lie
2. Addicts make excuses for their bad behaviour
3. Addicts are NOT in control of themselves
4. Addicts want one thing - more more, and again more
5. Addicts are master manipulators - of spouses, children, even their parents
5. Addicts don't care about long term
6. Addicts don't care about logic
7. Addicts are not reliable
8. Addicts lie
9. Addicts talk ONLY for three things :
a. to pursue their addiction
b. to pursue their addiction
c. to pursue their addiction
10. Addicts lie
11. Addicts create walls to isolate themselves from anyone that may interfere with pusuit of their addiction
a. Emotional walls - I'm done, I'm divorcing you, I don't love you
b. Walls of Lies, stories, excuses
c. Walls of wood and brick - they shut doors, stay away from home, dissappear for hours on end
12. Addicts lie
13 Addicts use people
14. Addicts don't care if they hurt people
15. Addicts are ill
16. Addicts aren't loyal or dependable
17. Did I mention that addicts lie?
18. Addicts recover

I question number 18 though... in my experience addicts do not always recover, or can take a very long time to do so... I would add "can" to this... Addicts CAN recover.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Page 10 of 13 1 2 8 9 10 11 12 13

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (2 invisible), 21 guests, and 47 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82
71,727 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,728
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5