Oh star, I's so sorry, honey.

((((Hugs)))

Hugs to you star. I've been worried about you and feel terrible for you. Thinking of you.

God Bless

Thanks for the hugs and kind words! I just took a little break... work has been busy and I was finishing my paperwork. Having a really rough night... I just wish this pain would go away. I wish so many things and pray for so many things. I have to believe that God has a plan for me... A better plan! I'm trying so hard to just LET GO! I'm really struggling with this at the moment. Letting go is so hard to do...

The best solution is a truly dark as night Plan B. Without that, you will have these types of feelings for a LOOOOOOONNNNGGGG time. I don't want that for you. How is the new job search coming?

I couldn't agree with you more about the dark Plan B! I haven't had anytime to even consider looking for another job as I've been so busy with paperwork, research, copying, faxing, emailing, notarizing, mailing, etc. with/for attorneys. I'm working on a huge list at work (Excel), so my eyes are so exhausted by the end of the day. I have a huge opportunity to make some good money on this deal, so I'm feverishly working to finish by the deadline on the 27th of this month. By the time I get home, eat, walk my dogs, I'm mentally and physically drained!

Tonight was a rough day/night, but tomorrow is another day. I really like my job, so this is hard for me. I'm definitely giving it some thought though or maybe going back to school...? I really haven't had much time to think about anything except for the past couple of days... Today was not only a Monday, but a rough Monday!

Star to you.

I feel your pain and understand how you feel. Its not an easy journey. I too still love my husband and miss the person he was - a wonderful loving husband and father, someone I admired and respected, my best friend. He has become Isildur someone I do not know or recognise, I resent the devastation his selfish addiction has caused, yet I still love him. I do not excuse or accept his behaviour but I understand it's a negative consequence of his A.

Coming to terms with the betrayal of the A, their appalling wayward behaviour takes time, but I think coming to terms with the loss of our marriage, friendship, family and life, takes even longer. There is no set timeframe, we all have to grieve and take life one day at a time. I think we should be proud that we valued our marriage and family enough that we are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage and that our love remains in tact in the face of betrayal and pain.

Take care Star you are not alone

Thank you so very much! You have no idea how much your sincere, understanding and caring words mean to me tonight. It's so comforting to come here knowing that I'm not alone and that I'm understood. Many people here experiencing the same emotions and feelings at some point. Reading other people's stories helps me and also allows me to remember, reflect, sympathize and empathize on those oh so familiar feelings! It helps me to see where I was and where I am now. I pray that my marriage could be a MB success story like so many of you! I also have to remind myself that a marriage requires work from two people. We can't make a successful marriage on our own, but we do have the ability to do whatever we can to make ourself successful and whole again. One day at a time...

On a side note... I'll be 37 in September. Already dealing with infertility and wanting a family/baby so desperately. I can't even begin to imagine dating again, trying to find "the one". I just feel like so many of my hopes and dreams have been destroyed. Will I ever have the family that I dreamed of? Will I ever get the opportunity to be a mother?

My very good friend had her first baby at age 48.
That little guy is the light of her life.
She fought a 17 year battle against infertility -- and won!
And she went through a divorce and remarriage during that time(now that I think about it, right around your age....)

Star you are doing the work! The crying, grieving paves the way for future joy. I promise you. Do you know what I get from all this?



I dont hear that YOU lost something irreplacable and precious. I hear that HE threw it away. YOU stil have your mind and soul - so you still have all these precious gifts!!!

I hear that YOU had a good marriage. That YOU built up by being good at RC, IC, affection.... the whole ten ENs are represented in the post.

YOU still have all these skills! YOU can give them to another. HE lost those precious things. YOU did not.

Its human to not be able to picture that happening with someone else while you are grieving the lost results of your hard work. But I rest quite easily when I picture your future.

I come from Catholic immigrant stock and all the women had big families up until the last generation.

They were having babies well into their late forties.

Thank you Indie! You brought tears to my eyes again, but they ended with a smile! My family (brother, SIL and niece) are in town visiting. We went out for dinner tonight. This is the first time that they have seen me since everything was discovered. They are still in shock, especially my brother. My SIL and brother both believe that he's going to come crawling back eventually. My SIL thinks I will have grown too much by the time he comes back and my brother thinks if I were to take him back, that he would just do it all over to me again. It's kinda funny listening to people and their predictions. It makes me laugh, because nobody has a clue and everyone tries so hard to figure out the wayward mind and their next move. It's impossible as we all know!

OW #3 at work is notorious for taking leftovers (men on the rebound, in the process of break-up, newly broken-up, separated, divorcing or divorced). She has done the same thing to others, so she's nothing special! I guess that's why she's never been married. Who would want to marry such a low-life?

Had a great time with my family. My mom thought I was being a little "snippy" or short with her tonight. I really didn't feel like I was, but I guess my emotions are getting the best of me and I can't control how I'm going to feel at any given moment. I'm going out in "small doses" and I like to drive, so I can leave whenever I don't feel comfortable or get emotional.

Home now... listening to the rain on my screened-in patio next to the pool. Hoping for peace tonight. Peace to all of us that are hurting...

Oh, I can't remember if I mentioned this before or not... My SIL decided that she needed to tell her daughter (my 9 year old niece) before they came down to visit about my situation with WH. She told her a few weeks ago that WH and I weren't together right now. She explained that WH was enjoying "the single life", hanging with his friends and he thought that was more fun right now than being married. She told me that my niece looked at her with a half puzzled/disgusted look on her face and said, "Really????". She then said, "I think the problem really is that he has some sort of bug and he needs to get rid of it!!!".

Yep! Straight from the mouth of my 9 year old niece!
She is young and yet she still gets it!!! Made my day!!!

I've had a few people voice their predictions, but as you noted none of us know what the future holds, there is no crystal ball or guarantee... wouldn't it be easier if there was. My original IC (who I no longer see) told me she thought Isildur's A would last 1 year.

I loved your niece's comment about him having a bug and needing to get rid of it. I needed a good laugh! I think your family's visit is well timed, enjoy their visit and have lot of well deserved fun.

So do I.

Star, you'll get there.

I am. Slowly, but surely.

As long as I avoid Plan B cracks. When these happen, even indirect, I relapse in recovery.

And hugs to you. Have fun with the fam.

My four year old niece likened softlad to a 'giant killer hedgehog' and Plan B as a 'really good escape'. My 5 year old nephew thought changing the locks was 'really clever and would make anyone sorry' (I didnt expose to them as they are not influences on softlad, but these are children who listen at keyholes) My nephew also added: 'He has to be REALLY sorry and not just say he is".

They have been an AMAZING source of support! Better than many adults. They know exactly when to hug me without my saying so.


When my sister asked my nephew if he understood what the A meant, he said: "Yes. Uncle Softlad is not being a nice friend. He's ignoring Aunty Indie and making her cry. He shouldnt be with OW (My nephew knows OW and her children) and act like he likes her more."

He's also said he feels sorry for OWs children. "Because it's nice when your mummy is nice".

I've caught him gosspiing to the neighbours about it over the garden wall, helping me further expose!

I have a BW friend whose H left her two years ago. Now her uncommonly bright daughter is nearly four, she is starting to get it. "Daddy left you on your own, didnt he! That's so awful!"

Children get it. I've never understood this attitude that they 'won't understand'. Children understand being mean, or abandonment better than anyone.

I agree with you Indie children understand, they know right from wrong. It is amazing how perceptive they can be. My DS7 told me that dad broke his promise, later he asked me if I would remarry and I said no I am still married to dad, he told me he was glad I was not going to break my promise.

He has been my main source of strength. His hugs and loving comments are so well timed. He recently told me I was a loving caring mum.

This afternoon he made a comment about how there were nice people and mean people. He told me PEGI was mean b/c she took dad from "you and our family" - out of the mouths of babes!

Aaah indie, thanks for the reassurance. This is what I (and I suspect star) need to hear.

Husbands becoming wayward are not the end of our plans to be mothers. I am starting to see I have an opportunity... to learn how to affair-proof a marriage before I bring a child into it. I have seen the impact on my nephew, and I plan to avoid this now I have found MB.

Another happy story, I have a friend who told me her friend got married at 35, and had SEVEN children with her husband. SEVEN!!! And still happily married.

On this theme, my broodiness has uncannily disappeared. I was desperate for a child just before and after my H dropped the A bomb. When I went into Plan B, I was planning on having eggs frozen, much to my sister's amusement ("you're only 32!!!!")

Now I just dont care as much. Being in love makes you broody, I suspect having a frozen lovebank due to NC makes you less so. I feel much more 'what will be will be' these days.

Thanks for all the inspiring stories of strong women and very smart children! Hope you all have a beautiful day!