Deb, welcome to Marriage Builders. I agree with the others that this sounds like a lie. But there is a good way to resolve this question: have him take a polygraph. If he is telling the truth, he should be happy to do so. I don't think you are getting the full story here.

The next steps will be for him to end contact with her by sending her a no contact letter that is written together and approved by you. He will have to open up life so it is so transparent that you know what he is doing all the time. He needs to give you full access to his cell phone, voice mails, with all passwords.

I would put spyware on his cell phone too. How will you get your car back?

Deb. I'm sorry you find yourself dealing with this but you have found a safe place here.

Think about what your H is telling you. If he really thought of this OW as a daughter and was just trying to be a good a samaritan then why didn't he tell you about it from the beginning? Why the secrecy?

Stop confronting him. You have already found out that he won't tell you. Install a GPS / VAR in his car (Best Buy, Target, etc) and spyware on his phone.

You should easily get the truth once you take these simple steps. Also, don't underestimate the lengths that this OW will go to keep her sugardaddy. You need to be the smart one here. Trust only what you can personally verify. Get the spyware.

Have you exposed to good friends who have influence on your WH?

I agree with all who say you are being niave and believing any kind of dish your husband is serving to you. Not because it makes sense (it doesn't) but because you do not want to believe the much more painful opposite.

Listen to the vets and absorb their snooping techniques. Do not tell your WH about this site or the techniques you put into place. Do not even tell him about the facts you gather until you have everything you need.

Do not fool yourself into thinking your WH is some kind of victim here. This is not a case of your WH being taken advantage of, anymore than his young AP is being taken advantage of by an older man. They are both adults making decisions for their own benefit. Could be a situation of OW having herself a sugar daddy. Or maybe it is more! I have an XSIL who left my BIL for a much older man (22 yrs older), XSIL and her AP are still married a decade later. You need to take this more seriously.

Yes, they all know how to cry and weep and express great remorse on demand. It doesn't mean anything. A better gauge will be a polygraph test.

I would call your local police station and get a referral to a good polygraph tester and make an appointment for your husband. Hand your husband a list of your questions that you need answered BEFORE the test. After that, you fully expect him to pass the test..

He should be thrilled for the opportunity to clear his good name and remove all doubts.

At the age of 22, this young woman's mother has no control to 'come and get her.' Although exposing to her parents would be effective. Why are you hesitant to expose to ALL of her family and friends?

...if my husband is telling the truth... only, he's not. He is NOT telling the truth. Is it a PA yet? Maybe, maybe not. You will NOT find the answer to that question by asking him, because he is a wayward and waywards lie.

I think YOU are fooling yourself that this young woman would never 'give him the green light.'

Also, Dr Harley does not believe in Mid Life Crisis. So put that out of your mind. Your WH is having an affair, and is behaving like someone having an affair, nothing more.

Thank you LongWayFromHome.

Before this happened, he was becoming moody and unhappy. I think--or hope--this has been an eye-opening experience for him. After all, what does he really have to be unhappy about? Successful business, money, a nice home, and a wife and lots of family members who love him. I think he realized how close he came to losing it all and figured out that he needs to be counting his blessings rather than wallowing in illusory discontent. I cannot GIVE him forgiveness as much as I want to do so. He has to earn it.

And Alis: Your words about this girl sound as if you were listening in on my husband's and my conversation this morning. She has been crying on his shoulder about her childhood (her mother did not stop her from being sexually permiscuous and allowed her to have men spend the night with her when she was only 15 years old). I don't know if she has done much else with her life but drink, smoke pot, and shack up with men. She is probably damaged, but it's not my hubby's job to fix her. She needs to fix herself. That isn't going to happen while she sits on her pity pot and expects other people to feel sorry for her and pay her way in life.

I wonder how much time he spent listening to this girl whine about her miserable [very young] life. Misery loves company, so he was probably telling her that he's got a miserable life too. I wonder if he whined to her about how he has to work so hard, and how I don't do enough to help him, and how I don't meet his needs, etc.

All kinds of thoughts spin around in my head. Spin. Spin. Spin. Love one minute, anger the next.

Please listen to these radio clips of Dr. Harley talking about how a mid life crisis is not the reason for her husband's affair.
Radio clip on mid life crisis
Segment #2
Segment #3

Tell us what you think.

Deb, this is very dangerous thinking, my friend. if your husband is unhappy in your marriage, the solution to change that. NOT to ask him to just accept an unhappy marriage. If he is unhappy at home, that makes him vulnerable to females that offer to make him happy. And it sounds like that is what has happened here. The OW has probably been meeting his needs, which is what led to this affair.

The other issue is that your husband has poor boundaries around women or this would have never happened. When a spouse has poor boundaries around the opposite sex, they are always vulnerable to an affair when their needs are not being met at home.

My sister, bless her heart, stayed up half the night with me after I learned about this girl. My husband went to bed and I needed to talk! She confronted my husband the next day and she demanded that they go and fetch my vehicle. She drove him to the motel and made him drive my vehicle home. She was very tenacious and gets things done.

A successful business, money, a nice home....these are not things that bring happiness. You will find many, many people on here that have had A's who have all of these things. Yet they were still unhappy. Why? Because they did not get their needs met.

I am not suggesting that unmet needs are a reason for affairs, just that they create an environment that is ripe for an affair to take place. It was still your H's choice to go forth and have an affair, many people have unmet needs who do not have affairs.

I am just suggesting that you should not say to him, buck up and be happy, look at all these things you have to be thankful for. You should understand that there were factors that contributed to the environment leading up to his affair that need to be changed.

I know you said his need for SF is not fulfilled, due to your hormonal level. Dr Harley has some good articles in regards to meeting the need for SF. This cannot be overlooked or dismissed. For you to recover from this A and move forward to affair proof your M, you will need to commit to meeting ALL of each other's needs.

That is, when this A is over, and I don't think it is.

Quoting for emphasis. It is not over.

He didn't tell me in advance because he knew I would not approve. I suppose, after he gave her my vehicle to drive, then he had no choice but to be "honest" because I would surely notice my lack of transportation.

The people who have the most influence on my husband are his mom and dad, and they have been told. His dad assists with my husband's business, so I think he will be monitoring the situation very closely.

Deb, will your husband agree to end all contact for life with this woman?

Yes. I am feeling very threatened by this 22 year old girl. I told my husband, if he felt compelled to help her out, he should have put her on an airplane and sent her to another state. He is paying for her motel room. Makes me angry. One emotion right after another.

Break up the affair or at least make it very uncomfortable to continue.

Do not believe what your H tells you. He will lie to continue the affair but to also continue his marriage with you. He likes having both.

He may have cried at your marriage, but, that shows how he is a 'romantic' who is so very moved by emotions, he is inspired to follow the romance in his life.....aka....starting an affair with another person.

Deb,

You seem to be misled by the notion that this was him 'helping her' which got out of control. After all, that makes him look like a poor misguided old fool, right?

I would suggest to you that this is just a hogwash story to cover up what the real intentions were. He was 47. 47!!!! If he was 90 then I'd say "Uh oh, he's being an old fool" but he is way too young to be making these sorts of excuses.

It's a tactic to get you to not realize what's really going on, sorry.

He would flunk. Even knowing that, I can't hate him. I am pathetic!

How will dragging him to the police for a polygraph test save my marriage?

The police do not offer polygraphs to individuals but they can help direct you to one who does it privately.

You can't save your marriage if you don't know the truth. Right now, your husband's story is a load of baloney to anyone who views it objectively. With a polygraph, you can know what really happened and go from there. You'd be surprised how many people tell the truth right before the polygraph is given.

If you try and recover your marriage believing it was just some dumb knight in shining armour who got carried away, then you're going to be misled in what steps to take afterwards.

You do not go to the police for a polygraph. There are many independent companies who provide polygraph testing.

So by your admission that 'he would flunk' you are stating that you know he has and is lying to you about this A? Other A's? And you are OK with this why?

Have you read Dr Harley's PORH (Policy of Radical Honesty) concept?

Here you go.
Polygraph Testing