I asked him why he told me this girl was like a "daughter" to him. It didn't make any sense to me at all and he said, "I lied about that." He said he was confused about his feelings, he doesn't understand why he developed feelings for her, or why he cares about her situation. He just thought that telling me he "cared" about her in a "fatherly" way would diffuse the situation and help me to feel less threatened.

So, he has admitted he lied to me about his feelings for her...so I expect there are more lies to be uncovered.

He's a grown man with credit cards, bank cards, and plush bank accounts, and there is nothing I can do to prevent him from paying for her motel room. I won't tell him to take her back where he found her because that would mean another trip. All I can hope right now is that her mom will come and get her and she will be leaving town on Friday.

If I discover that he is still financing her living after Friday, I can see my lawyer and start formal separation proceedings.

If I were you, I would take time off work immediately and grab my H and have him leave town with me for a couple weeks.
No cell phones.
No time apart. Not even to take a quick stroll around the block.

You must stop being so weak and trying to give either of them benefit of the doubt.

Do you not have access to these records??

Deb, I would keep pushing for the truth before he clams up. Ask him when this affair started and if he has been to bed with her. Tell him you would like him to take a polygraph. I assure you he is lying about that. I suspect the reason she needed a hotel is because her boyfriend found evidence of her affair and kicked her out.

Dear WD (won't call you by your full screen name):

Can you go online and track his expenditures?

PLEASE watch the money. Although they may be his accounts, I'm assuming they're paid with joint money?

Now that his expenditures have caused conflict, he may start to shift money to an alternate account/credit card so you can no longer track how he is spending....

If this girl "has no where to live," her "needs" may become very expensive.

If he's impulsive enough to give away YOUR car, which you would obviously notice immediately, he may be impulsive enough to, for example, buy her a car.

BV

Deb,

Have you read about Plan A here?? You've gotten a lot of good advice but I'm not sure you are aware about MB's Plan A yet.

Right now it seems like you've started Plan A but you might slide into a bit of Plan Deb which can lead you astray.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

My H is a grown man who is a corporate executive, and I am a SAHM. Yet because we are married, he does not have access to OUR money that I do not have knowledge of. We do not have separate finances or independent financial lifestyles. And I will guarentee you that I would not say 'there is nothing I can do' if he were financing the lifestyle of another woman.

I 100% agree that you should not tell him to 'take her back where he found her.' Much like your WH is a grown man, this OW is a GROWN WOMAN. He wasn't responsible for her before, and he is not responsible for her now. She's not a puppy to be returned to the petshop. He should have NO CONTACT with her, and if that means she gets kicked out of the motel and has to figure out her own way back to...wherever she came from, great thats her own problem, not yours. Thats what happens when you mess with a married man.

Deb, I do not want to sound like I am coming down hard on you here! I have been in 'head in the sand land' and I didn't have friends who challenged me enough and I wish I had! Because HITSL is not a good place to be. I do not want to see you further hurt by lies and deception. I want to see you stand up to your WH and not believe his wayward fog talk, and stand up to this tramp who is not only using YOUR family money to finance her lifestyle but also has her grubby hands on YOUR HUSBAND. Not acceptable. I want to see you get mad about this, and do whatever you need to do to put a stop to it. And then I want to see you and your husband recover from this with an entirely different and better marriage than you have ever had.

Deb, you are getting great advice. I am worried you are ignoring this, that you are in what we call a betrayed spouse fog. Denial. I am worried that you are not still posting, because you argue that the people here don't know you or WH.

I did this too. I argued with the good, objective people here, thinking I knew my WH better than they did. My mistake... I knew my husband... the wayward alien, I had no clue who he was.

Where did this land me? My WH is now living with a 21-year-old skank (he is 37) that is about 8-month pregnant.

I share this to try to shock you into action. I NEVER thought this would happen to me or my marriage. It did.

And 20-something year olds can be VERY predatory. I also initially thought OW was naive and possibly being taken advantage of by WH... I have since had her own family tell me she is a predator.

Please keep posting. And please follow the advice. FIGHT for your marriage now, before the affair goes further.

Thank you all for your responses. I have read your posts several times trying to drink in all the information.

Where do I find the energy?

At moments I feel so strong and resolved to do the hard work necessary to save my marriage and build the amazing marriage that I want, and the one that I believe my husband wants too.

At other moments, I feel overwhelmed and weak and fearful of sounding too threatening, too angry, or too disrespectful of his feelings.

I told my husband that there could be absolutely NO CONTACT with this girl. I informed my husband about the MB website and introduced him to the concepts. He was eager to learn more about the MB program. Then he told me OW called him at work today, and I informed him that was a violation of his vow to me that he would have no further contact with OW.

I asked him how long this telephone conversation lasted. About 10 minutes, he said. That's a VERY LONG TIME! I explained to him that it only takes a few seconds to say, "don't ever call or contact me again," and to hang up the phone. I explained to him that he is betraying me and harming our marriage when he spends even the briefest of moments connecting emotionally with her. No contact means NO CONTACT!


I was weak and should have demanded that he write the no contact letter right then and there.

He will write that no contact letter in the morning! I have to stop being weak!!!!

I told my husband about the absolute need for transparency. I don't have access to his business financial records and bank accounts. I insisted that he must provide me with access and I would review his records to verify that he has not extended his financial generosity to OW beyond what he has already admitted. He agreed.

My husband and I also discussed a matter that we had been kicking around the last several weeks before I found out about OW. This would be a major transition in our lives in preparation for our retirement together. I told him about the policy of joint agreement, i.e., never doing anything without an enthusiastic agreement. We discussed what we needed to do to make this transistion work for both of us and enable us to build the marriage that we both want.

We had a renewed excitement about our future together that embodies the policy of undivided attention. We agreed to fill out the worksheets and I told him that I was willing to meet his most important emotional needs if he was willing to meet mine.

I think, based on our conversation, that my husband knows that I am approaching him with respect and thoughtfulness. He has acknowledged his mistake. He knows that the telephone call with the OW is unacceptable to me and that "no contact" means "NO CONTACT"! He must agree never to see or speak to OW ever again for his entire life! I believe this is PLAN A.

If he will not write the no contact letter to OW in the morning when I ask him to do so, and provide me with the complete transparency I need to ensure his relationship with OW is over, then we can't move forward toward recovery.

OW's mother did respond to my private message on Facebook and confirmed that she is coming to get her daughter. She told me her daughter was a good girl and would do the right thing. I don't care about OW's mother's opinion, I just want OW gone as soon as I was told she would be gone!

I am absolutely exhausted, but I think we made some progress. I'm trying to read and learn about all the MB concepts and how to employ them appropriately.

Unfortunately, the affair is not over and your husband is not serious about ending it. There is no progress other than a bunch of smoke your husband is blowing at you to throw you off the path. The fact that he took her call says everything. I am very scared for you, WrinkledDeb, because this young woman would stand to gain so much by getting pregnant.

I am afraid you are going to have to take a much more assertive approach if you want to save your marriage. I don't think you understand the danger you are in though.

I assure you he is giving her money and probably did yesterday. I would get those bank statements NOW, trade cell phones with him, put spyware on his phone.

He also has to provide a way that she cannot reach him at work even if that means taking a leave of absence.

I am scared for you because you don't understand the true nature of your dilemma.

This is a distraction until you have effectively killed the affair. Please focus on getting rid of the OW so you will have a marriage to save. Your H will enjoy talking about worksheets if it takes the focus off his ongoing affair.

If you want to see where this is probably headed if you don't kill it, go over and read the Pregnancy forum. It is devoted to betrayed wives whose husbands got their mistresses pregnant. Your H would be a perfect target for a homeless 21 year old skank.

WB,

Welcome to MB. You have been getting excellent advice. Mel is absolutely right about killing this affair before OW can manage to get pregnant.

You said your H will write an NC letter today. Although this seems like a minor thing, it is hugely important that he write the letter and you approve it and mail it.

I see your H has agreed to show you all bank and phone records etc. Don't let him slide on this. Get them today and look at them. Monitor them in the future.

I think the idea of the two of you going away for a couple of weeks is a good one. By the time you return, OW is out of town and your husband will have had time to go through the beginnings of withdrawal (Deb, the more you learn about affairs, you will be amazed about how similar affairs are to drug or alcohol addiction). A trip away would also give you and your husband a chance to spend some undivided attention towards each other.

Be firm. Don't let your H talk you out of these things.

Finally, DO NOT share this website with your husband at this time. He is in an active affair and foggy. At this point, he could use the informaton on this website against you and your marriage.

AM

Deb,

You have made a lot of headway from your first post! But I can see the Deb who still wants to believe her H is a good guy who would never do such a thing as cheat or get a 22 yr old pg peeking its head out. This is the Deb that must be eliminated. Your WH could do this and is following the path to do this. The sooner you recognize the reality of that the sooner you can get to work to kill this A.

"At other moments, I feel overwhelmed and weak and fearful of sounding too threatening, too angry, or too disrespectful of his feelings."

Here's what you have to challange about your way of thinking. Your WH is heading down a path that will destroy his life. His momentary happiness when being with OW is just that, instant gratification and need filling. It is not true happiness. Ultimately, if left to continue down the path, his adultery will destroy everything he holds dear to him. Do you love him enough to do whatever you can to stop that from happening?

I have heard many people refer to adultery as an addiction, like drugs or alcohol. If he had become addicted to heroin, for instance, would you feel like you were being disrespectful to ask him to stop? Or would you feel like you were actually doing him a FAVOR by demanding that he stop his addiction, before it destroyed his life.

Let's also look at how you feel like you sound too angry or disrespectful. If you were to have a 22 year old male 'friend' who you had feelings for and lusted after, and lied to and deceived your beloved husband to spend time with and spend money on, and your beloved husband told you 'DEB, that is VERY hurtful to me and you are to have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT with this man again." Would you feel like HE was being disrespectful to YOU??? Of course not, thats silly.

As it stands right now, your husband has been completely disrespectful to YOU, your marriage and your marriage vows, to bring this other woman into your life. He has hurt you, hurt your relationship, and exposed your life and your finances to this OW. Why on earth would you feel that you do not have the right to be angry about this? And why on earth would you think it is disrespectful for YOU to stand up to this type of treatment?

Also, have you shared this thread with him or informed him you are posting here? If not, then as armymama said, DO NOT share it with him. This is your support network right now, to help guide you through this. You do NOT want him privy to the information being shared with you, until it is safe to do that (when you are well along your way into recovery). You are no where near that yet.

Deb,
As a FW who has taken two polygraphs, I can tell you it did wonders for my W. After your experience with this skank, you need a clean slate.

Your WWH has already trickle truthed to you. It is imperative you face the truth and understand there is more to this tragedy. The more you snoop, the more you will uncover.
Stand firm to a plan which by all means should include a polygraph.

If he loves and cares for you as much as he says he does, and has nothing else to conceal, he will schedule the poly himself. Be ready for the possibility of more lies. Also be ready for marriage building that will take you so far away from the marriage you currently have to a marriage you never dreamed possible.
Because of my W's willingness to not give up on us, we have a marriage that continues to thrive and the sky is the limit.

If he is in it to win you, you will be a 'wrinkled Deb' to him no more!

Stay strong. You can do this!

I have not told my husband about this discussion forum. I did tell him about the MB website, and talked to him about some of the concepts. I'm keeping this forum private; something that is difficult for me to do because I never found it necessary to keep a secret from him before.

I thought that was one of the "beautiful" parts of our relationship--our openness and honesty with each other about our inner-most thoughts and feelings. I have shared my entire being with him and trusted him with every vulnerable inch of my soul, if that makes any sense.

The more information I dig out of my husband, the more betrayed I feel. How could this affair be going on behind my back for so very long? He met this girl when she was only 17! She was the girlfriend of some young man that used to help my hubby out from time to time when he needed extra day labor at his business. And my hubby has admitted that he has helped her out financially in the past. I want to explode with anger. How many years has my hubby been lusting after this girl? How many times has she gone to visit him at his place of business with her sob stories and her hand extended for some cash assistance with her troubles?

The name I chose for my screen name is an open display of my fears and vulnerability. I look down at my aging hands. They're not smooth and youthful, but show all the years of washing dishes and scrubbing floors and toilets. I look in the mirror and I see jowls forming. My sister and I have often joked about taking a trip to the "spa" which was our code word for going to get one of those "lifestyle lifts" advertised on TV. But it was truly a joke and I never felt any compelling need to recapture my youth through cosmetic surgery or inappropriate behavior. I'm the mother of a 29 year old son and I'm looking forward to becoming a grandmother someday.

Even so, I suppose every woman no matter how old they get want their husbands to desire them. My hubby always made me feel loved and desired and would remark on his own gray hair and belly that was starting to bulge. We wanted to grow old together, and now I fear that I will end up alone without the man I love by my side. The beautiful retirement that we've been planning to have together is swirling around the drain hole.

I'm sorry for venting my feelings. I'm just in a bad place right now vacillating between hope and hopelessness. I don't have the strength to be a snooper and an investigator and a suspicious babysitter of my grown husband. He either wants me or he doesn't. I'm beginning to feel like I need to leave him for the sake of my own sanity.

Wow. My husband just had an emotional outburst and stomped out. We can't get past the first step in Plan A. No Contact! He is not looking forward to telling his "friend" that they can never see or talk to each other ever again.

He started getting angry with me, and I recognize that he is having OW withdrawals! Had I not read all of your posts over and over again, I would not have known what this outburst was all about. He admits that he likes the attention she gives to him, and he tells me that he's LONELY. And of course, his loneliness is all my fault. By throwing the blame on me, that takes the attention away from his own misconduct. Now he stomps out like he's the injured party?

This is just getting harder and harder!

Deb, I assure you this affair has gone on for a long time and has been physical. Men don't usually give women money unless there is more to the story. Did you get access to his bank accounts, emails, cell phone records? I bet you will see a long story there.

Do you have the strength to save your marriage? Because if you won't even snoop, there is not much we can do to help you. The OW will win your husband if you won't get aggressive.