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"He is paying for her motel room. Makes me angry."
Darn skippy it should make you angry. You need to protect your families financial state from this woman, asap. Your WH is financing his AP's life. What are you doing to put a stop to this?
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Yes, they all know how to cry and weep and express great remorse on demand. It doesn't mean anything. A better gauge will be a polygraph test.... He would flunk. Even knowing that, I can't hate him. I am pathetic!  How will dragging him to the police for a polygraph test save my marriage? You have to have the truth in order to save your marriage. That is how. If you know he will flunk, then you are admitting that recovering your marriage will be impossible because a marriage cannot survive based on lies and deceit. It is obvious to us that your husband is lying about his affair. What typically happens when a betrayed spouse schedules a polygraph is the wayward spouse sings like a canary becuase they do not want to flunk the test. Deb, you are in a serious crisis here and i don't think you understand how important it is to be proactive. Your marriage will not recover by accident. You are going to have to man up here and be more assertive about your marriage. You are headed to divorce but don't seem to realize this. The longer you are complacent, the harder it will be to save your marriage because the affair is becoming more and more entrenched every day that passes. You have a very small window of opportunity to kill this affair before it gets too strong.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"I told my husband, if he felt compelled to help her out, he should have put her on an airplane and sent her to another state."
Also, have your read Dr Harley's POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) concept?
Your H should not EVER make a decision to help another woman out without complete knowledge and agreement from you. Frankly, I don't even let my H go help single female neighbors scoop their driveway in the winter because it fills their needs and his needs and I am not in agreement with that, for obvious reasons.
He shouldn't have done ANYTHING for this woman. He should not be trying to 'help out' other women at all.
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I would DEMAND that he end all contact with this girl TODAY, Deb. You cannot afford to be complacent here. Your marriage is under assault.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He didn't tell me in advance because he knew I would not approve. Exactly. He is NOT a misguided fool. This was a choice. Deb. I know you are hurting and I remember how consuming that pain is...but you need to take action to kill this. Don't fool yourself into believing that this OW will just go away on her own. Why is he still paying for her motel?
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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"
He shouldn't have done ANYTHING for this woman. He should not be trying to 'help out' other women at all. What he did was completely inappropriate for a married man. Married people should not have opposite sex friendships in the first place. And now you know why!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would DEMAND that he end all contact with this girl TODAY, Deb. You cannot afford to be complacent here. Your marriage is under assault. 100% agree.
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At the age of 22, this young woman's mother has no control to 'come and get her.' Although exposing to her parents would be effective. Why are you hesitant to expose to ALL of her family and friends?
...if my husband is telling the truth... only, he's not. He is NOT telling the truth. Is it a PA yet? Maybe, maybe not. You will NOT find the answer to that question by asking him, because he is a wayward and waywards lie.
I think YOU are fooling yourself that this young woman would never 'give him the green light.'
Also, Dr Harley does not believe in Mid Life Crisis. So put that out of your mind. Your WH is having an affair, and is behaving like someone having an affair, nothing more. My husband told me that he is paid for her room until Friday. I was told that her mom would come and get her on Friday. I was also told that she just needed a few days to think about what she wants to do. Maybe she will call her dad in North Carolina and go live with him. I exposed this relationship to her mother because I was told that exposure is the only way to kill an affair. If my husband gives her one more dime or pays for one more day, then I will serve him with legal separation papers and my hubby can go live with HIS mom and dad . . . or at a motel. He's a grown man. Then again, I'm an emotional wreck right now. I feel love one minute, anger the next. My husband said he was afraid she might be suicidal. I have never met her or talked to her, so I don't know what to think. I don't want to be responsible for pushing her over the edge if such an edge potentially exists.
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[
I exposed this relationship to her mother because I was told that exposure is the only way to kill an affair. If my husband gives her one more dime or pays for one more day, then I will serve him with legal separation papers and my hubby can go live with HIS mom and dad . . . or at a motel. He's a grown man. Then again, I'm an emotional wreck right now. I feel love one minute, anger the next. Deb, you must start FOCUSING on killing this affair before it gets out of hand. Go to him now and DEMAND that he agree to NEVER EVER speak to her or see her again. He must agree to end all contact for life.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"She might be suicidal"... Deb, this is a huge red flag to you that he is still making up yet another "knight in shining armour" story to deflect you from the truth.
Have you gone to the bank and demanded the financial statements to review for yourself? I suspect you might be finding other purchases.
Why is this 22 year old being spoken about by all these adults as if she was a toddler? She's 22, how many of us were already married and had kids of our own at that age? Let's get a grip here, she's a grown woman and has been for at least 4 years!
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"my husband told me..." "I was told..." "I was also told..." "my husband said...."
You need to snoop and find out what is going on FOR YOURSELF. You are listening to the word of a man who is hiding an affair from you. Why? You already said you knew he would flunk a poly, which means, you know he is lying to you. So why are you listening to his lies?
Who cares what happens to the POSOW. She is not your concern. You are no more responsible for her well being than my dog is. If our WH is telling you she is suicidal, then he is using that to manipulate you to get you to do NOTHING to stop his A.
Exposure is the best way to kill this A. You have done a mini exposure. Blow this up and you will very likely kill the affair.
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Before this happened, he was becoming moody and unhappy. I think--or hope--this has been an eye-opening experience for him. After all, what does he really have to be unhappy about? Successful business, money, a nice home, and a wife and lots of family members who love him. I think he realized how close he came to losing it all and figured out that he needs to be counting his blessings rather than wallowing in illusory discontent. I Deb, this is very dangerous thinking, my friend. if your husband is unhappy in your marriage, the solution to change that. NOT to ask him to just accept an unhappy marriage. If he is unhappy at home, that makes him vulnerable to females that offer to make him happy. And it sounds like that is what has happened here. The OW has probably been meeting his needs, which is what led to this affair. The other issue is that your husband has poor boundaries around women or this would have never happened. When a spouse has poor boundaries around the opposite sex, they are always vulnerable to an affair when their needs are not being met at home. I haven't been meeting his sexual needs. That I know.
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That is, when this A is over, and I don't think it is. Quoting for emphasis. It is not over. I agree with everyone that I cannot rely on what he tells me; I need to discover the truth.
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Deb, will your husband agree to end all contact for life with this woman? Yes. He told me he chooses me and he agreed to end all contact with OW.
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Please refer to the samples of No Contact letters. You will want to have your husband write a no contact letter to the OW, which you will approve of and mail for him.
Again, you do not want to take his word that he has ended all contact with her.
After mailing the letter however, you will need to continue to snoop to verify that contact has indeed ended.
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Break up the affair or at least make it very uncomfortable to continue.
Do not believe what your H tells you. He will lie to continue the affair but to also continue his marriage with you. He likes having both.
He may have cried at your marriage, but, that shows how he is a 'romantic' who is so very moved by emotions, he is inspired to follow the romance in his life.....aka....starting an affair with another person. Thank you for responding. He is so compassionate and tender-hearted! That's one of the things that I love about him. And yes, that makes him vulnerable to those who can tug at his heartstrings.
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Also I would consider the poly. Why do you think he will fail? Do you mean regarding this A, or do you mean there are other things you think he is hiding from you?
You CAN have a great marriage, better than you have ever had. But the road to that marriage cannot be achieved with deception. I would suggest you schedule a poly for your WH to get your cards on the table. Many posters on here use the excuse that they do not have the funds for that, but it sounds like that is not an issue for you.
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Deb,
You seem to be misled by the notion that this was him 'helping her' which got out of control. After all, that makes him look like a poor misguided old fool, right?
I would suggest to you that this is just a hogwash story to cover up what the real intentions were. He was 47. 47!!!! If he was 90 then I'd say "Uh oh, he's being an old fool" but he is way too young to be making these sorts of excuses.
It's a tactic to get you to not realize what's really going on, sorry. I have told myself this very thing! He feels with his heart and thinks with his little head. Dangerous combo!
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But Deb, he DOES think with his head - that's why he'd been lying to you about what he was doing, because he knew you'd realize it was completely inappropriate.
If he was thinking of his heart only, he would come home and tell you he met some poor young girl and she needed help. He didn't. He set her up in a motel and is trying to get you to back off by saying she might be suicidal.
Deb, do you understand that your view of him being a na�ve fool with a heart of gold is actually patronizing? It implies that he is so dense that he actually went into this with honest intentions.
47 year old married men don't have honest intentions with damaged 22 year old girls.
I know it comforts you to feel he may have been a kind fool who went wrong, but that is to make you feel less threatened about the situation rather than it be the reality of what it is.
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The police do not offer polygraphs to individuals but they can help direct you to one who does it privately.
You can't save your marriage if you don't know the truth. Right now, your husband's story is a load of baloney to anyone who views it objectively. With a polygraph, you can know what really happened and go from there. You'd be surprised how many people tell the truth right before the polygraph is given.
If you try and recover your marriage believing it was just some dumb knight in shining armour who got carried away, then you're going to be misled in what steps to take afterwards. Can't I just hide my head in the sand like an ostridge and pretend OW sitting in motel room doesn't exist? That's what I want to do; but can't do....
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