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BTW, that's not MY perspective. That is Dr Harley, founder of Marriage Builders perspective, after many years of working with marriages that have been ripped apart by affairs that started with coworkers.

I am sure if you are interested someone could find links to Dr Harley articles that describe this in his own words. I'm not really very good at the links.

But just from my short time here on the forums, I am very aware of the number of WS's that are in or were formerly in affairs with their coworkers.

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unwritten: I hear ya. Yeah, they have tried to get the group together for drinks after work, but us M'd ones never go. My W said I could, though, and I told her only if she goes with.

The group does have birthday lunches, though, and spouses are invited (though I have only seen M4's GF attend once, no other spouses have ever come).

I like your counterexample, it kind of made me chuckle...

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I speak from personal experience....and I had 3 kids after my diagnosis. It was recommended that I have a hysterectomy too but I chose not to follow that recommendation. I was 22 or 23 at the time. I hope she got other opinions before she had that done at 24.

I agree that it would be an inappropriate conversation to have with your co-worker.


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RAISES HAND.

My WH began his affair with a co-worker. I too was privy to his conversations(albeit in a limited way), and that he had this "friend" at work. It also wasn't his first "friend" at work. And the rest, as they say, is history.


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just chiming in with another vote: NO!

i too popped in thinking you were going to expose an a with a hearty "yes."

but in this case? no, no, no. not your business. and having that kind of discussion with a woman not your wife is a bad idea anyhow.


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Here's a letter from Dr. H where the affair started with a co-worker. Tell us what you think.

What To Do With An Unfaithful Wife #3


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you all for your responses, I do appreciate it.

I'm not entirely convinced that she necessary knows the connection between cervical CA and HPV because this happened 25 years ago. To my friend it happened 5-10 years ago (I don't recall exactly), so her healthcare professionals definitely knew what caused it and roughly when. But I will defer to Pepperband's experience as a healthcare worker as to what was known about it back then.

In any case, I am entirely convinced that it's not my place to say anything about it and that it really isn't any of my business, hence the thread name. I have to continue working with her and involving myself in that capacity could make that uncomfortable for both of us, regardless of whether she knows.

Thanks again for the perspectives...

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Pepperband, I am curious to know -- of the cases you saw, about what percentage of M'd W having HPV knew exactly where they got it from, and it wasn't their H's vs. those who got it from their H's and had no idea how they or their H's got it?

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JThom,

One of the lesser known dangers of HPV infections is that they can also cause oral, penile and anal cancers. So a person who engaged in a variety of activities will have to monitor themselves for a good 20-30 years. So there is case to inform someone of this risk, my BIL who likes getting oral from prostitutes refused to believe this.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/medi...-men/52795342/1

God Bless
Gamma

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Gamma, yes, I have heard that men who give oral to women infected with HPV run a high risk of throat cancer and that many young men are presenting with this condition these days. Thank you for the link!

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Originally Posted By: JThom
Pepperband, I am curious to know -- of the cases you saw, about what percentage of M'd W having HPV knew exactly where they got it from


Only women with a sexual history of exactly ONE partner.
Same can be said of men who contract HPV. If their sexual history is one partner, the source is known.


Quote:
and it wasn't their H's


A married woman who has current or had other sexual partners cannot ever be certain she contracted HPV from her H or her other (current or previous) sexual partners.


Quote:
had no idea how they or their H's got it?


The thing is, people LIE about their past sexual histories.
Women get raped or molested and sometimes hide the truth for decades.
People lie about affairs.


I wasted little time with patients trying to figure out "who" is/was the guilty person. That is a goal that was often not aligned with giving the best most caring medical attention.

I think you might be wasting YOUR time as well.

Last edited by Pepperband; 07/24/12 11:07 AM.
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Pepperband, you may be right. Because you made reference to "confessionals", I guess what I was curious about is how many newly-WW's with only one extramarital PA who contracted HPV and did know they got it from their OM have you run across? Merely curiosity.

You're quite right about the uncertainty which accompanies multiples and priors...

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I am amazed at the amount of time and concern you are pouring into thinking about a conversation that she should never have had with you.

Dont trust people who do things that are inappropriate. Leave these people to their own devices. I dont care how innocent they act. When people behave this oddly there is cause for concern.

I think this is gallant weakness of yours JThom, that the wrong woman could use against you at some point in the future. Caring too much about the concerns of women you work with is a VERY BAD IDEA. Be the knight in shining armour for the lady at home


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: JThom
Pepperband, you may be right. Because you made reference to "confessionals", I guess what I was curious about is how many newly-WW's with only one extramarital PA who contracted HPV and did know they got it from their OM have you run across? Merely curiosity.


Well let's see. Pepperband said: "Only women with a sexual history of exactly ONE partner." So, the answer to this question would be a ZERO. Unless you count unconsummated marriages, I guess.

Another curious statistic: how many men have I found with a deep fascination about HPV and women who have it? Exactly one.

Last edited by markos; 07/24/12 12:23 PM.

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Originally Posted By: markos
Another curious statistic: how many men have I found with a deep fascination about HPV and women who have it? Exactly one.


JThom, has your wife seen this thread?

If you were to say to her: "Do you ENTHUSIASTICALLY support me investing so much time and energy on finding out more about this topic.."

What would she say? Surely she would want your powers of analysis and concern directed more towards her issues in life?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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indiegirl wrote:
Quote:

JThom, has your wife seen this thread?

If you were to say to her: "Do you ENTHUSIASTICALLY support me investing so much time and energy on finding out more about this topic.."

What would she say? Surely she would want your powers of analysis and concern directed more towards her issues in life?


Admittedly, no, no and, sadly, no.

Last edited by JThom; 07/24/12 01:51 PM. Reason: Added quoted text
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markos, touche` (although not necessarily correct, point taken)

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Originally Posted By: JThom
Admittedly, no, no and, sadly, no.


Please expand upon this statement.

This is your job. Not other people's medical conditions.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: JThom
indiegirl wrote:
Quote:

JThom, has your wife seen this thread?

If you were to say to her: "Do you ENTHUSIASTICALLY support me investing so much time and energy on finding out more about this topic.."

What would she say? Surely she would want your powers of analysis and concern directed more towards her issues in life?


Admittedly, no, no and, sadly, no.


If I am reading you correctly, your wife is in withdrawal. She doesn't want you to meet her emotional needs, give her your attention?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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One thing I do like about this thread is all this talk about STDs.

I know there is a split amongst posters here about advising those in Plan A to meet the SF need like a rockstar, I am and have always been on the side of ABSOLUTELY DO NOT HAVE SF with someone who is possibly engaging in sexual relationships elsewhere.

HPV is one of my main reasons for that, it is the number one spread STD and has been for many, many years. It can spread through genital contact, not JUST through intercourse, which puts a LOT of people and activities at risk. And it can have grave consequences to ones health, long term.

Everyone knows what HIV is but sadly, most people don't even know what HPV is.

I hate to see this topic continually brushed under the rug just to promote doing a good Plan A.

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