I think I just need a couple of nights of good sleep.

X 2.

Deb, please go back and read everything that Mel has posted to you.

She posted to me too. She knew the reality of my sitch, and told me it, long before I came to terms with it myself.

I have re-read my thread now that time has passed, and I see what happened, and see that those posting to me at the start of the affair had the experience to recognise what was going on. Whereas I was blindsided and overwhelmed.

The first step a betrayed must make in combatting the affair (and it IS war) is to trust that the betrayed is not objective. The betrayed is in a fog, just as the wayward is. The betrayed insists they KNOW their spouse better than anyone here, they have loved, laughed and done all that a marriage entails. Most betrayed believe their spouse would NEVER do such a thing, would never betray, lie and deceive in such a way.

Change this thinking. The husband you knew no longer exists. The posters here know your WH better than you do. Follow the advice on how do deal with a wayward.

This post shows to me you need to snoop, gather the evidence, and expose.

Deb, good on you for having learned from MB about OW withdrawal in the short time you have been here. I'm pleased you recognise his blameshifting. Yeah, injured party... woe the wayward huh?

Hugs Deb, I just saw this.

You are fighting a battle for your marriage (if you want to fight for it that is). Ensure you keep yourself in tip-top condition. A battle weary soldier is NOT at her prime.

First thing, get yourself to a doctor. Tell your doctor of the betrayal. Discuss antidepressants's, sleeping meds, etc. Ensure you are eating. Even when you retch the food up. Eat regular snacks that you can stomach. For me, my appetite totally disappeared. I relied on family to ensure I was eating. A handful of nuts every few hours helped as well. Little but often if that is all you can stomach. Keep the fluids up (non-alcoholic that is!)

What supports do you have in real life (IRL)? You mentioned your sister... you need support through this.

Have you told your son?

I really feel exposure is key for you. To show WH the reality of his affair with a much younger woman, and for you to gain the support.

Also, please stop viewing the OW as the victim. I did this initially too, because of the age gap. But I look back to my friends and I at this age, and there is no way we would have gotten involved with an older, married man. Any young woman chasing a married man has no morals. She is desperate to win "her prize." And right now, she views her prize as your husband. He is her meal ticket.

So what sort of fight are you prepared to put up?

Aww Deb you seem like a beautiful soul!

Thank you for responding. I am recharging my batteries, trying to clear my head, and I will fight to save my marriage.

After he stomped out yesterday, I snapped myself off that emotional roller coaster. That's a ride I don't want to take. I cannot tolerate drama or anyone (let alone myself) sitting on the pity pot for too very long. I already expressed my feelings to him and told him what I want and need from him and he agreed.

I'm not going to punish him or make his homelife a living hell. He comes home to me for a reason, and I believe I should capitalize on my strengths and show him the woman he fell in love with and continues to love--and that's me.

I will get him to write that "no contact" letter, but last night was not the right time to push the issue. I don't want him scrawling it out in a fit of anger just to appease me. When he writes it, I want him to write it because it is what he wants to do.

My hubby returned home about 15 or 20 minutes after he stomped out and I diffused his anger immediately. We went from insane to sensible and went on to have a wonderful evening together.

And, right or wrong, I allowed my husband to engage in some cake-eating. I went to take a shower, and when he disrobed and joined me in the shower, I welcomed him. We washed and caressed each other and enjoyed the intimacy. Afterward we ordered Chinese food and cuddled on the couch.

Getting food in our bellies and a good night's sleep was something we both needed. I was still sleeping soundly this morning when he got up and went to work. He let me sleep in and left a note for me on the table: "I love you, my wife!"

I'm the one who nourishes his soul. He's addicted to ME! And that's one addiction that I want to encourage.

I will do the snooping and investigating and babysitting that I need to do to make sure my husband stays true to me. I just have to have faith in myself and know that 22-year-old OW can never replace me in his heart. And if for some reason he succumbs to insanity and throws me away to be with her, then he has lost the most special relationship he has ever known, or will ever know in his life.

Deb, you are truly amazing. I applaud you.

Thank you Caracal. I appreciate and drink in every post and response. I have always recognized the power of education. Never too old to learn!

I want my husband to learn and grow as a human-being. In my mind, that is what life is all about. And, just from my personal observations and recognition of his growth, I believe he is a much better person today than he was 12 years ago.

When I was a young woman, I had a doberman pincher who was the sweetest, smartest dog EVER! I took her to obedience classes and learned all the techniques to teach her to sit, lie down, heel, etc. But this training required me to use a choke collar and snap it to compel compliance with commands. And I'm trying to be objective, but my husband is not a dog. I can't tether him with a choke collar and snap him into compliance. I wouldn't want him if he was just a compliant dog who responded to my commands rather than the unique and flawed, but growing human-being that I believe he is.

If my husband is not the man I believe him to be, but is a cheater and a liar and a untrustworthy betrayer of my love . . . why would I want him? My love for him doesn't give him license to abuse me, but it does give him a second chance to learn from his mistakes (and for me to learn from my mistakes) so we can move forward to build a marriage even better than the one we had.

I will give him that chance and I will do the requisite investigation and snooping to make sure he is being true, but I won't keep him on a leash for very long. That's not the kind of life or marriage that I choose for myself. I will step up to the plate and work harder (a labor of love) to meet his emotional needs--not because I have to do so to keep him, but because I want to do so. But he can't keep me on a leash either, i.e., fearful if I don't meet his needs then he will stray. If he chooses to be a stray dog, then he will lose me.

Again, maybe my head is still in the fog, but I'm thinking about the kind of life that I want to live. I'm done with the mindset that I can't "compete" with a 22-year-old. I finally realized that this is not a competition with my husband serving as the prize for the winner. I'm already a winner! I have a son, 2 sisters, 2 brothers, and numerous nieces and nephews who love and support me unconditionally as I do them. With or without my husband, I know I have a good life.

I think my husband's emotional outburst yesterday helped to snap me back to my senses. I love my husband very much and I'm going to take things one day at a time. Who knows? Maybe I'll feel completely different tomorrow, but I hope not. I have a bit of serenity right now and feel like I'm going to be okay no matter the outcome.

Deb,

It's not about either of you being on a leash. It's about living a transparent lifestyle and being integrated with each other.

Dr. Harley told me that there are some circumstances where I can trust my H and he can trust me. And there are some circumstances where we should NOT trust each other. We have to set up our lives so that the conditions that lead to affairs are avoided.

So we do all we can to live with the conditions that make it impossible, or at least VERY difficult, for either one of us to have an affair, or for that matter, have an independent lifestyle.

When my H spent money without regard to my concerns or feelings, and I called him on it, he shared all our account info with me. I have all the passwords to everything and know what's going on in our financial world.

I also have his email passwords and he has mine. That's not being on a leash. It's being transparent.

Blind trust is ill-advised. Dr. Harley says we should NOT trust each other; rather we should "Trust, but verify." This is good for the marriage, because it keeps us accountable.

My FWH does not feel at all like a compliant dog. He is relieved that I am looking and watching, because he wants to prove that he is reliable. He doesn't perceive himself to be on a leash. He really wants to be a good husband, and transparency is a great way for him to achieve that.

I'm not going to fight today.

I have a huge project sitting on my desk, and I'm going to turn my attention to that neglected matter with renewed vigor. My marriage is important and my number one priority, but the work I've been doing is important too.

I agree LWFH. My hubby has agreed to give me full access to all financial records. He said, "I am an open book! Read every page! Come to my business, sit with me, and I will show you everything." I will check and verify and get his passwords and look at his phone records. I will purchase GPS trackers and install them on both of his vehicles. Believe me, I have spent hours and hours reading this site and educating myself. I definitely lost a lot of sleep through this turmoil, and I doubt that I have a firm grasp on everything just yet. But I'm trying, and transparency with extraordinary protection & safeguards is now a non-negotiable element of our marriage.

I just need to pull myself off that emotional roller coaster. I need to do it for my own sanity and I need to pay attention to my own work too. My plate is full and I can't let my work project be flushed down the toilet because my husband made bad choices. I have made a decision that has brought me some peace. If I discover that his addiction to OW is so strong that he cannot cease contact, if I discover that his affair with OW has not ended, then he loses me. That's not what I want, but it's the only thing that gives me peace of mind at this moment.

Deb,

Did OW actually leave town today with her mother?

Absolutely REQUIRE your H to write an NC letter. One of my big regrets is that when my H pitched a fit about writing one, I did not realize that it meant that he was hoping to continue the affair. Don't let your H weasel out of this.

You are on the right track with bank records, phones, etc.

AM

I just wanted to add, however, that it's not in my nature to be "controlling" of another human being. Our creator made us with "free will" and I would not want to turn into a nag and take my hubby's "free will" away from him. I think, in many respects, a person's own conscience should hold him/her accountable. Why should people feel compelled to do the right thing only if someone is watching? (God is always watching!)

If my husband is going to be a good person in general and a good husband to me in particular, then he should do that regardless of whether I am watching and holding him accountable. But the fact that we are married, in and of itself, means I should have access to all of his financial records. He should have no secrets from me in that department.

Nevertheless, if he is going to deceive me about his finances, I know that he can do that even if I have complete access to his records. He runs an active, successful retail business in a boom town with tons of cash sales. Where there's a will, there's a way. And that's what I mean by keeping him on a leash. It would be too exhausting for me to live in a constant state of paranoia that I have to check up on him regularly to ensure his fidelity. It's mission impossible. I'm not an overly religious person (more spiritual than religious), but I find comfort in the Serenity Prayer right now:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I don't know if OW left town, just know her free ride ends today--and if I find out otherwise, my husband will suffer the consequences. Her mother did send me a private message on facebook verifying that she was coming to town to get her daughter. My husband is not allowed to call OW, and I'm not going to call her either. I'm done with her.

Deb, no one on this thread has EVER suggested that you "control" your husband or that you nag him. Asking your husband to stop abusing you is NOT controlling him! And it is not "nagging" him. If a woman demands her husband stop beating her is she controlling him and nagging him? Because that is the principle you are promoting here.

If your husbands conscience is not holding him accountable, it is up to you to hold him accountable. That is what loving spouses do who care about their marriages.

Your comments are very troubling because they are very naive, Deb, and I am concerned that you are in for a very rough ride until you wake up and understand the gravity of your situation. I fear it is going to take the school of hard knocks to convince you to take the necessary steps to save your marriage. Your plan is one of wishful thinking and hope is not a plan.

IF you find out. You are very unlikely to find out if you refuse to snoop on him. Your husband won't suffer the conquences. It is likely this affair has gone on for some time and as yet, he has suffered no conquences. And wont in the future since you have made it clear you won't hold him accountable by taking steps to protect yourself from him.

I will bet he is playing you Deb and you will continue to be played as long as you have your rose colored glasses and kumbaya approach to marriage.

Saving a marriage IS war. It is and if you choose not to battle for it, you will be in the dark about the reality of yours.

Read up on plan A (which you are kind of doing) and plan B (which you may need to do).

Here Deb.
What Are Plan A and Plan B?

MelodyLane: Thank you for your comments. You're very much to the point and tell things like they are.

I admit naivety is one of my faults. I'm too sweet and kind and loving and gentle and understanding and softspoken and giving and forgiving for my own good. Being that way inevitably leads to being hurt. I am the proverbial "Pollyanna" and I don't know how to change who I am. I have a conscience and I naturally expect others to have one too and to choose right over wrong.

But I also admit, being the way that I am, that I've had more than my fair share of disappointments when it comes to people. That is why I don't allow many people into my life.

My stress levels have been skyrocking off the charts to the point of making me both physically and mentally ill. I'm on the verge of having a major depressive episode, so I had to put the brakes on that insane emotional roller coaster I was riding. I need to calm down for my own health and sanity.

I am following Plan A. Here are excerpts from the webpage:



I'm avoiding the use of love busters.



I have approached my husband with respect and thoughtfulness. He has acknowledged his mistake. He has agreed to never see or talk to the OW again.



My husband I have discussed the causes, and I'm going to work on meeting his most important emotional needs and he will work on meeting mine. He has agreed to transparency, his life and his business are an open book to me. He got his most recent bank statement for his business in the mail today and he copied it and sent it to me immediately. That was just the first foray into complete transparency, and there will be more to come. We want to build an affair-proof marriage.



My husband and I discussed the POJA and we're going to implement this into our marriage for everything, including his business decisions that ultimately affect both of us.


My husband and I discussed this, and we're committed to spending at least 15 hours a week together (as recommended by the website) to meet our needs for conversation, and intimacy, and recreational companionship, and love-making.


My husband and I are working on a solid plan for our marital recovery. He loves me. I believe that he loves me.

I've already worked on exposure and I will work on the snooping and investigative and transparency aspects to make sure my husband is not having any contact with OW. If my husband is lying to me or deceiving me, I will find out soon enough. If that is the case, then I will immediately move to Plan B.

I understand the gravity of my situation. I would not be so close to a complete breakdown if I did not. I just can't allow myself to go insane during this process, because if that happens, I have not only lost my husband--I will have lost myself too.