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Homes, I am soooo sorry to read this. I wrote on his thread to come clean on everything, now. I told him to man-up and to not be scared to tell you anything b/c your mind has already thought the worst. I guess I was a little off on that!!
It is amazing what people are capable of when they hide behind secrecy and dishonesty. This is soooooooooo much bigger than you.
Was he convincing? Do you believe this, or is there a chance he is trying to manipulate? I wouldn't tell something like that if it wasn't true.
I know this is devastating, but please try to stay calm and just take it all in. You know it is all going to be bad, but he has already done it. You know he isn't who he promised he was or promised to be. I know that is lame right now, but I hope it helps you remain calm so you can take it all in.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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I don't know much about the sexual problem thing. If he is not gay, then why would he desire men at all? I am not sure why anyone would be bi-sexual outside of just plain ole choice, and lack or moral character. I have a gay friend, and he was always very conflicted about his gay feelings. He didn't want to be gay. He didn't want to make those choices. So, bi-sexual is a choice just because you can.
Did you ask him the root of his sexual problems? What was the thought process behind sleeping with another man? Has he presented any sexual problems in your marriage that you would say were notable?
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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He had presented several sexual problems in our marriage. I just didn't think it got this far. I think he is finally being honest but I will press on with the poly anyway. He was sexually abused as a child by his brothers and family members. He revealed this last year, his mother confirmed it.
We have agreed to separate because I have to emotionally wash my hands of this, I can't take anymore. He needs to get help. He is sick and I can no longer provide that help. Caring for my 5 children alone scares me the most but I have no other choice. Thank you all for your words of encouragement to us both In helping the truth to be revealed.
No I don't have the link.
Me- BW -29
WH -34
Married 13 years
5 kids together
D-day July 5, 2011 EA
D-day #2 August 8, 2011 (admitted to PA)
My world changed on July 26,2012
Working towards divorcing a monster and fighting the battle of a lifetime!
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Will he sit down and write you a timeline? Here you go. How to Plan B Properly We will be here for you for your personal healing, my friend.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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If he has a sexual addiction, they often progress as they go along. From porn to women to threesomes to men etc. Not excusing him in any way, just explaining the phenomenon.
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homefor5. I know how you must be hurting. What a tough decision you have in front of you. You are right tho, he is sick and you can't provide the help he needs. He CAN get help for this. There is no marriage or relationship with him really until he gets the help he needs and makes those necessary changes to his life. This IS the best thing for you and the children to try to find some peace and focus on your lives.
What is your first plan of attack? What are you going to have to change to make it through this?
Please keep posting here. We will be here to help you through this. You are not alone.
Last edited by Littlebit3; 07/21/12 10:36 AM.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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Joined: May 2012
Posts: 111
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First plan is the poly and then he moves out. I can't even describe the pain. I just feel numb. We told the children the plans of him moving out, they have all been acting up since. To be expected.
As far as future, I don't know what I'm going to do. The thought of not homeschooling my children which I truly felt led by God to do brings me to tears, but I must find a way to make a living. He has financially supported since 16. Its situations like his that leave me paralyzed when thinking of leaving my kids.
I just don't know what I'm going to do. I have considered anti depressants for awhile now as i've had a hard time functioning this entire year. My parents have a severe issue with prescription drugs so I'm very leary of that.
Me- BW -29
WH -34
Married 13 years
5 kids together
D-day July 5, 2011 EA
D-day #2 August 8, 2011 (admitted to PA)
My world changed on July 26,2012
Working towards divorcing a monster and fighting the battle of a lifetime!
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Posts: 514
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Hey there homes. I can't imagine the pain you are in. I think your plan sounds good so far... Others will be able to give you better direction as I am in a similar boat as you in wrestling with going back to work to support myself and the kids.
I have several home schooling friends, and I know that is a huge choice, so changing it is not to be taken lightly. As an outsider looking in, I can say things b/c they would be easy for me to say. The important things here are: that your children GET an education and you make money to support you and them. At least they would get an education if you sent them to a public school. Are there magnet schools where you live? You could apply to one of those. They are great. A lot of times Catholic schools will help you. They always try to help children in need get an education where they can. Maybe you have some homeschooling friends that would help you with your children. Is there a homeschooling network in your area that you can contact?
I have been reading this forum for a while now, and I agree with the pros here that AD would be a MUST in your situation. They will help you remain calm. If you take them as prescribed, you will be fine. Don't worry about the addiction of these. Stay away from those few. So many AD's are not addictive. Also, AA (anti-anxiety) might be something to take along with AD's. You may not need AA's. AD's WILL help you deal with this by keeping you clearer minded. I don't know if AD's fall under the Class II Narcotic category or not. I don't think Wellbutrin or Lexapro do. I hear that Zoloft is the one that works for most people. I don't know if it is an addictive one or not. I do know that it is important not to mix ANY of them with alcohol.
Take a deep breath, stay strong, trust in YOUR ability to make the decisions and take the actions that are needed for you and your children. You can do this!!!! Don't forget you will have help from your H in child support, so you are not completely on your own.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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homefor5, I see that your husband is playing the I was abused as a child card to avoid facing the problems of the present. That is a distraction at a time when your only hope is for him to focus on the PRESENT PROBLEMS.
When the Titanic is sinking, you don't run off and navel gaze about your childhood. That is a waste of your time that is going to SINK your marriage.
Don't allow your husband to play the childhood card. It will DOOM your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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His is a very typical ploy of waywards that is played to avoid consequences when the heat gets turned up. That is all your husband is doing. Susie's husband did the same thing when faced with a polygraph. It is a ploy to excuse them from working on the marriage while they run off and "work on themselves." It is a PLOY and nothing more. As a clinical psychologist who has been in direct therapy with 50,000 individuals and supervised over 600 counselors, I have not found that resolving issues of the past does much to help people deal with issues of the present. In most cases I've witnessed, it makes matters worse because it drags the most unpleasant experiences of the past into the present. I know that my perspective is in conflict with many therapists who are trained to treat the past before they can treat the present, but I have yet to see any convincing evidence that this approach is more effective than letting the past stay in the past. My personal experience is that dredging up the past actually increases the risk of suicide and other dangerous symptoms of mental disorders. Another important reason that I am opposed to bringing up issues of the past is that it wastes time. When you could be forming an effective plan and putting the plan into motion to resolve an issue of the present, you spend months, and even years focused on the past while the problems of the present keep building up, eventually burying the client. In your situation, I strongly recommend that you not waste your time talking about the past. And don't try analyzing your husband. I know that his affair was a terrible shock to your system, and you want to feel closure. You have been terribly disillusioned by what he did, but the best you can do under the circumstances is look to the future instead of the past. Don't discuss the past with your husband or anyone else for a while, and see if you don't agree with me that it helps improve your relationship and it also causes you to be more relaxed. Focusing on the past causes depression, while focusing on the future with an eye to making it successful causes optimism and gives you energy. here"Some counselors think it's a good idea to "resolve issues of the past" by talking about them week after week, month after month, year after year. It keeps these counselors in business, but does nothing to resolve the issue. In fact, it usually makes their poor clients chronically depressed.
My experience as a Clinical Psychologist has proven to me that dredging up unpleasant experiences of the past merely brings the unhappiness of the past into the present. The problems of the present are difficult enough to solve without spending time and energy trying to resolve issues of the past, which are essentially unresolvable. You can make your future happy, but you can't do a thing about bad experiences of the past, except think and talk about them -- and that makes the bad experiences of the past, bad experiences of the present." Dr. Willard Harley An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in a flood of new and painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming for therapy for the rest of their lives. That's because it's an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot resolve everything that's ever bothered us.
Instead, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.
I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But having sexual experiences with men??? Most men can't even mentally do that. I can't imagine recovering from that would be the same. Hes got serious mental issues.
Me- BW -29
WH -34
Married 13 years
5 kids together
D-day July 5, 2011 EA
D-day #2 August 8, 2011 (admitted to PA)
My world changed on July 26,2012
Working towards divorcing a monster and fighting the battle of a lifetime!
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Posts: 12,357
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But having sexual experiences with men??? Most men can't even mentally do that. I can't imagine recovering from that would be the same. Hes got serious mental issues. I'm not sure where you're getting this. People with serious mental issues shoot up Burger Kings. Your H has serious boundary issues. That whole business of being abused as a child does not play into this. It is immaterial to what is happening here, and is not a free pass for poor behavior.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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So receiving oral from other is normal adultrous behavior for men. I'm not excusing it as its something I may never come back from, I just can't imagine it happens all the time.
Me- BW -29
WH -34
Married 13 years
5 kids together
D-day July 5, 2011 EA
D-day #2 August 8, 2011 (admitted to PA)
My world changed on July 26,2012
Working towards divorcing a monster and fighting the battle of a lifetime!
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Posts: 12,357
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So receiving oral from other is normal adultrous behavior for men. I'm not excusing it as its something I may never come back from, I just can't imagine it happens all the time. Yes, it happens more often than you know. Home, I want to stress to you that your husband does NOT have a serious mental problem that has caused this. Has your husband ever viewed porn?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Hey homes. I looked back over your thread a little, and I have to say everyone is right. He IS using his childhood to try to skirt the real issue..s of what he has done to your marriage. Please don't let him get away with his behaviors. Hold him accountable. Don't let him use any excuse to justify his poor decisions and what he has done. He is stronger than he is letting on. He was just fine running around doing all of that stuff, hiding it, giving you other grief. He is trying to make you feel sorry for him to get away with that selfish behavior. He has a lot of work to do give you just compensation. If he really still needs help with other issues, he can do that later. Don't let him pull this ploy on you. Please stay strong and hold your line right where you need it to be. Don't lower it for lies and selfishness.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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Posts: 111
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He claims he had an addiction our entire marriage. He has viewed it throughout. My while realization through this, and correct me of you think I'm wrong, he had absolutely no boundaries in life period!! Whenever hes had access to a computer he watched porn and hid it. Whenever a woman offered sex he did it and hid it, when someone offered drugs he did it and hid it. When at a buffet he overture till sick. Absolutely no boundaries what so ever. He does blame this on his childhoodbut dang I was physically and mentally abused and I know rifht from wrong as an adult, give me a break!
I believe there is more to be told and he is hoping I don't ask the right questions. I intend to nail his *ss to a wall and discover all there has to be discovered. Asking me how many questions I have to ask him and why I want him to review the timeline I made, and hiding out until the poly because I'm badgering him all indicate to me that there is more to be told. I'm done being nieve and foolish!
Me- BW -29
WH -34
Married 13 years
5 kids together
D-day July 5, 2011 EA
D-day #2 August 8, 2011 (admitted to PA)
My world changed on July 26,2012
Working towards divorcing a monster and fighting the battle of a lifetime!
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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But having sexual experiences with men??? Most men can't even mentally do that. I can't imagine recovering from that would be the same. Hes got serious mental issues. Alot of people are bi-sexual. It is still just plain, old adultery. Don't allow yourself to get sidetracked by the gay card or the child abuse card. If he wants to discuss his "childhood" while your marriage is going down the drain, you need to immediately get separated and file for separation so you have legal protection. The child abuse angle is a way to distract the subject so he doesn't have to work on your marriage and can continue to wh*re around while he "works on himself." This is a CLASSIC wayward trick. I can already tell he is playing the childhood card to pimp some sympathy and change the subject. DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN! Leave his past in the past! Keep his feet to the fire, home.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He claims he had an addiction our entire marriage. He has viewed it throughout. My while realization through this, and correct me of you think I'm wrong, he had absolutely no boundaries in life period!! Whenever hes had access to a computer he watched porn and hid it. Whenever a woman offered sex he did it and hid it, when someone offered drugs he did it and hid it. When at a buffet he overture till sick. Absolutely no boundaries what so ever. He does blame this on his childhoodbut dang I was physically and mentally abused and I know rifht from wrong as an adult, give me a break!
I believe there is more to be told and he is hoping I don't ask the right questions. I intend to nail his *ss to a wall and discover all there has to be discovered. Asking me how many questions I have to ask him and why I want him to review the timeline I made, and hiding out until the poly because I'm badgering him all indicate to me that there is more to be told. I'm done being nieve and foolish! I agree. He is hiding out and using the polygraph as an excuse to avoid your questions. and correct me of you think I'm wrong, he had absolutely no boundaries in life period!! Whenever hes had access to a computer he watched porn and hid it. Whenever a woman offered sex he did it and hid it, when someone offered drugs he did it and hid it. This is exactly what I believe has happened.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He claims he had an addiction our entire marriage. He's saying this to avoid accountability. Ignore this. Whenever hes had access to a computer he watched porn and hid it. That's what I figured, although he has avoided answering my question about his porn viewing. I'll talk to him about that as soon as he stops avoiding my post. I believe there is more to be told and he is hoping I don't ask the right questions. I believe you're right. Craft your questions carefully. Your husband is trying to avoid having to come clean.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I am working on them now, as I said my intention is to nail him to a wall with his lies!! These addiction talks are getting old, it boils down to lack of boundaries. I'm wising up to this now. Our chat with the pastor this afternoon turned out interesting. He confirmed all that you guys are saying. In fact wh even admitted another encounter with a woman in front of him. This was after admitting on the way over there that he had sex with a woman before moving out. It just keeps trickling in. It even seemed the wh was going to admit more at the end of the meeting but didn't. He actually thinks whatever skeleton is in his closet is safe. I'm getting burnt out of it. I will have to wait till the poly because more trickling will Kill me. Either way I will get the truth. I'm sure he's reading up on polygraphs now.
Me- BW -29
WH -34
Married 13 years
5 kids together
D-day July 5, 2011 EA
D-day #2 August 8, 2011 (admitted to PA)
My world changed on July 26,2012
Working towards divorcing a monster and fighting the battle of a lifetime!
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