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You need to stop justifying yourself. You are behaving as if you have done something wrong. You should NEVER EVER promise to not expose her affair. Only a wayward would demand such a promise.
I would not send her that because this letter just makes the situation worse. You give power to her premise that there is something wrong with exposure.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Send something back like:
"so sorry you are upset, but I feel that others should know why our marriage has collapsed. I have no reason to cover up your affair. All the best, Jeff"
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Don't justify yourself!
There's nothing wrong with telling the truth!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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It feels that I am pushing her away...she says this in her text.
She says that she will have no one to turn to.
I am so glad that I am aware of what cheating people will say. I have read that they tend to say these things.
I wonder if I should tell her that everyone knows she friended the other guy on facebook this past Thursday.
From what I can tell, he is still on her friends list.
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It feels that I am pushing her away...she says this in her text.
She says that she will have no one to turn to. She has run away on her own because she has "turned to" some loser on the internet. You haven't pushed her away.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm so very glad that I have read this website before.
Are there any links to pages within this site or forum that talks about what wayward spouses will say?
I know I have bookmarked these:
How to Plan B Correctly
Exposure 101
Any more besides these that might help ease my mind & know what I am preparing for. These sort of 'instruction' pages are great for me to understand all this.
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Don't continue to promise her you are done exposing.
She has no vote in that.
You can speak the truth (exposure) if you must.....and......you did and do get to expose it.
I love indiegirl's statement to say back to her....
"I am sorry your adultery is upsetting you"
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...It feels that I am pushing her away...she says this in her text.
She says that she will have no one to turn to. ...
You could ask her, "But honey, if these new relationships with these guys that you're picking up on the internet are so great & wholesome & right, why wouldn't you be proud to have everyone know? I'm just sharing your good news!"
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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...I told her that if she ended it with the other guy, the exposure would stop. ...
That'd be like a football team that drives the ball all the way down to the opponent's 20-yard-line, but then hands the ball to the other team.
She is reacting like a crack-addict when someone threatens to take away her crack-pipe. Affairs are addictions. You have to make the 'drug' cost more than it's worth to her. Is she going to like going off the 'drug'? Of course not! No crack addict likes quitting. But if she never quits then she can't even start withdrawal, and she'll stay hooked & stay in the affair-lifestyle.
Exposure is your best shot for busting up an affair. It busted up mine. Holding off on exposure is enabling. The only promise you should make her is that you won't enable her to cheat on you.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Stay with the drug-junkie construct, my friend.
Does the junkie resent the person attempting to wrestle the needle from her?
Does the junkie blame every/anybody else for her situation?
Does the junkie stop feeding her sick addiction without having the alternative be something worse?
Rejoice in the fact that she is at least grounded enough to give a damn that her family is learning how low she has fallen. BUT...in all likelihood, it will not be enough, and you should invest no more emotional capital in imagining you and she have a future together.
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Slight t/j: Nice to read from NG! end t/j.
Jeff, you are in GREAT hands here. I will repeat what bears repeating: addicts do NOT like the crackpipe removed. Tantrums, screaming, silent treatment, etc., etc. All normal and expected. Most of us that have been here either reading or posting can literally write the wayward responses.
Stay the course, my friend. And, stay here.
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She just texted me saying that I lied to her when I said I was thru exposing.  She'll have to get over that. You're doing what you need to do.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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She just texted me saying that I lied to her when I said I was thru exposing. She'll have to get over that. You're doing what you need to do. Tell her you'll do whatever it takes to protect your marriage.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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In all that has happened since last Sunday, I moved my stuff out, etc. She has yet to ask where I am staying at..
I've been staying at an extended stay hotel during the week.
This past weekend, I drove home and stayed with my folks.
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Why why why did YOU leave, Jeff?
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Why are you not back in your house tonight?
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Yes, WHY?????? GET YOURSELF BACK HOME. And, back in YOUR bed. She doesn't want to sleep in that bed with you? Let her snuggle up in the garage, guest room, couch or basement. Do NOT LEAVE your space. This is critcal. Man up here.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Yes, I will move back in asap.
I told her she could stay since she doesn't have anyone to stay with here in town. I have relatives here for support, her family lives in Gainesville, about 2 hours away,
I just want to be a good guy.
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Should I even consider living in the house with her. We have a spare bedroom for her to sleep in. She has been sleeping in the spare room anyway for the past 5 months or so. She did this initially b/c I snore.
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