Here's what Dr. Harley has to say.

Here's a clip of Dr. Harley talking about alcoholics.

Please listen to this clip.
Radio clip on alcoholic
In this clip Dr. Harley explains why he says there are times to demand things at certain times.

Have you seen this?
Alcoholic Spouse #1

I did read that article before I posted and I think I am still in denial. I want there to be something I can do for him despite the copious volume of examples of why I can't do anything right now.

I have a lot of guilt. Ugh. Crippling guilt and self-loathing. I am honestly still trying to find a way to do right by him for the A. My brain is firmly stuck on what I have done. I need to feel like I am doing something to make amends for MY transgression.

I know my biggest mistake was poor boundaries with the opposite sex. OM and I worked side by side in very adverse conditions and not only had lots of time together but we also protected each other from physical harm. It was a powerful bond. I can never talk about my personal life especially my struggles with any man ever again. That makes sense to me and I can do that now.

But what else?

I ordered SAA and I am looking forward to chapter 14.

I get the feeling you are hoping for "the grand gesture" which will make a huge impact on your H's healing timeline.
Sorry, that's not going to happen right away.

For a moment, let's focus on the small but important baby steps you can take today, to make home a more comforting place.

Do all the domestic duties with finesse. Gladly and without expectations of a "thank-you" or even recognition.
Cook most deliciously. Serve meals in a beautiful way.
Do his laundry including ironing his clothing. In fact, iron the sheets.
This is mundane work, I know. But it is a very concrete way to show effort instead of "talk talk talk' ... which right now is suspicious if not meaningless for him. If you dare tell me "I'm already doing all of that" I will say to you "Then multiply your efforts."

Make sense? Will you do that step for now? Be Suzie-Homemaker with a smile and an upbeat attitude.


You are entitled to your feelings. Feelings just are. And, feelings are ever-changing. Your challenge is to not act out those emotions for your hurting/healing husband. Believe me when I tell you that nothing about what you wrote (above) helps the marriage. Sure, he's glad you feel remorse, but if you put your focus on what you are feeling (crummy) you will miss opportunities to help him. And guess what! When you begin focusing on helping your healing husband, you will slowly start to feel better about yourself.

Be very conscious about wanting things to happen quickly. This is a process. You must trust the process.

Best to you & your marriage recovery.

Continue posting.

He has not welcomed me back to the home. I remain in my fathers home in another state. I won't be able to provide domestic support.

I am looking for a grand gesture, yes. I just wounded him deeply with my A and now I feel like I am abandoning him for Alanon. I know it has to be done. I just want to build him up a little if a lot isn't possible. Somehow?

Yes I understand you want to build him up, but your out of the picture now as to what he needs. All that is nice but it is for your conscience really.

As another poster said, you have to look at your side of the street for now.

You got baited into screwing yourself over and committing adultery, as much as was done to you, all the bull-crap of drugs and alcohol and his wild rebellious crazy ways. Until you couldn't take it anymore, and you fell too.

Now your part of this site which is trying to help, and you want to share that with your H, or at least the advice as much as you can..

We Get it Helf, we really do. I myself have been there right where you are, wanting to share my vision with my late wife of happiness without alcohol, when in truth there were still issues I had to deal with about my first wife that were not complacently settled.

The best place you can be is alone with your God right now, and He alone with His.

That's where we end up anyways, in our Daddy's loving arms. We are never truly alone

CP I am leaving for my first meeting in two hours... I'm out of any other ideas.

I am heartbroken. I am so in love with my darling BH. I am hanging on like mad to this dream of him shedding these addictions and becoming the man I have had glimpses of before...

It is a child's wish. Which is appropriate since I have spent much of this year acting like one.

I will let you know how it goes.

You know...I don't think I was baited. I was looking for safety, stability, comfort, admiration, and yes physical touch. OM could have been any man given the right circumstance. I will accept that I was weak... I think I was reaching out. I was looking for somebody to grab on.

Yeah I know..Same here years ago..after the three years of crap I took when she was drinking.

Thing is, he started the abuse..first selfabuse what seems so noble and of course didn't have anything to do with you..but of course it does, because you were married..

Everything he does to himself he does to you too..when your married.

You no longer are your own and it all matters..when your married.

The good book warns us about this. Yes you were baited, and no its no excuse. But wanting to be loved and held without drugs and/or alcohol is what you wanted, and is what I wanted, after much abuse I took. And the sad thing is, nobody especially God asked me to do it.

We went looking for trouble and wanted to be someones hero. Thats the truth

How did the Alanon meeting go? Its a support group and has lots of information available also and it is a link to books also.

Become a sponge for information, knowledge is the power that you will use to heal

Yeah don't forget your Gods child first

I discovered I am a public crier. The first time was when they read the beginner's welcome to me. It wasn't the last.

It was a small group and I was young enough to be the child of the rest of the people there. I liked it that way though. It was very structured and everyone there was in recovery for a long time.

We talked about detachment of all things. I felt immediately that somebody bigger than me was looking out for me tonight. As people shared how it worked (and sometimes didn't work) for them and situations where they struggled ... I mean ... wow...

I just knew I was in the right place. Nearly everyone in the room said something I could relate to and identify exactly when and where I was when I felt the same way. I broke down a lot when people were sharing. I knew I didn't have to share myself, but I did a little. It was intense... very. Everybody hugged me thanked me for sharing and more than one said "I was exactly where you are right now, it gets better."

I am going to a meeting tomorrow.

I am glad you went. The only place they have alanon meetings near me is once weekly at a mens alcohol rehab center....i just dont feel comfortable with that whole scene (being near alcoholic men).......so i read, study, IC, friends, family and have MB for support. Keep going and keep with your support circle.

Funny you mentioned that...that meeting was downstairs. Two well intentioned men tried to intercept me. "the meeting is down here!"

I probably told them I was looking for the Al-Anon meeting with just a little too much force. Then I followed all the sweet silver haired ladies upstairs.

Being hugged by half a dozen grandmothers is the best feeling in the world.

I do hope the Al-Anon meeting is not co-ed. You don't want to put yourself in that situation. If it is co-ed, I would suggest you find another meeting. Dangerous waters, otherwise

RQ you make a good point. The majority of the group was women in their sixties and a few of their husbands. There were two mothers around my age. I feel it would be a 'safe' group if I cannot find a women's only group.

(((House)))

Awesome House, you got blessed and are being watched over

RQ is right about warning you of emotional attachments to men, but if the majority are Grandmas who are there to help you, I think you are in a safe place

Congrats on finding the right group

HE

Welcome to MB's.

Happy to see you went. Give it a few months of meetings. It does get better as you discover who you are and what you really believe in.

(((((((((((HE))))))))))

nESRE