I don't know if I should expose to her friends. All of them work with her as well. I've got most of the contact info for them all....its all their facebook email addresses.

Anyway, I am contacting a lawyer tomorrow.

My concern is our house. If I live there, I will need some sort of monatary support from her. B/c if she gets an appt or lives with friends, she gets out of having to pay for the mortgage. Is there any way of doing this?

Jeff, yes, of course you should expose to her friends, and you should have done it with the first wave. Exposure is supposed to hit all at once in one tsunami like effect. That's been explained already and you apparently didn't believe us or just chose to ignore us.

You're not doing yourself any favors by drawing this out like you have been. You draw it any further out than you already have and you run the risk of coming off looking petty and vindictive. You'll only hurt yourself if you don't get on it now. And Jeff, I mean like right now. I know it's a tough pill to swallow, but it is what it is. Seriously though, what do you really have to lose at this point? Nothing. Nothing at all.

As far as your question about her obligations about finances goes, no one here is qualified to give that level of advice, so you won't receive any there. The laws vary from state to state, so your appointment with an attorney tomorrow will give you the best answers to that question.

I will expose more to her friends today.

I will also contact her & tell her that I am moving back into my house Saturday morning. That will give her enough time to get her stuff, cats, etc out.

I will also tell her that if she wants to stay there are some conditions:

1) no contact with this guy (or any other guy she met online)
2) individual counseling
3) marriage counseling
4) gps in her car
5) total access to her phone, passwords, etc
6) reconciliation with her family & mine

If she can not do this, she is to move out & be ready to accept D papers.

How does this sound?

Jeff,

IC & MC will encourage her to move out and 'find herself', I guarantee it.

In terms of no contact, I would suggest that not only do you follow the No Contact letter guidelines here, but that she removes all internet access. She obviously cannot be trusted to use the internet, she uses it to prey for men.

IF you wish to attempt reconciliation, I would expect to use MB coaching/contact the Harleys.

I'm positive she will NOT agree to those conditions as you are asking her to change her complete lifestyle that she has always had - so be prepared to go straight into Plan B/D when that backlash comes, DO NOT BACK DOWN or try to let her wiggle your conditions.

When she balks at this and starts blaming all of this on you, call her parents and tell them to come get her. Or, print out mapquest directions for the route to their house and give them to her.

I think I will move in on Saturday & change the locks as well.

Then tell her that she is to come to our house, she is to be accompanied by a friend.

I have tried, tried, tried to get thru to her.

She does not want anyone to know the specifics of what was said btwn her & this other guy.....it is so sad....

If she wanted to leave in the past, she could have given me an ultimatum about changing whatever I needed to do or she was going to leave.

You can tell in her conversations with this guy, she told him that she would never leave me. That me finding out was the only way that she could end it with him.

It hurts me to know that she had a plan for all this to work out in her favor. She was so obnoxiously confident that I wouldn't find out, since she figured she had her phone with her at all the times. Little did she realize that I could find out when I wanted to.

Someone on another forum someone said this:

"Why are you "exposing" her emails to everyone you know since it makes you look creepy as hell?

I'm a BS and I'm also an only child, but have to tell you that you can't always get what you want.

Do you really think her mother and friends can MAKE her come back to you by exposing her sex transcripts? Do you not care why she's there with you if the only reason she would come back is that her friends "made" her come back? Doubt they have that power, Farmer.

She's got issues that only a counselor can help her with. The more you humiliate her, the less reason she has to ever want to set eyes on you again.

You've taken it too far. Telling people the truth is one thing if they ask why you're separating.

Emailing sex transcripts to everyone she knows is childish and vengeful. If I got one of these from a husband, even though as a BS I also sympathize with his BS status, I'd tell the WS to run."


So I am not going to contact any of her friends at all.
I don't want to humiliate her any more than I have with her family. I guess the first time that I exposed, was to explain in my way, why we are separating.

I don't want to come off as being creepy. But I don't think I went too far by exposing to her mom & brother. They needed to know the truth rather than some made up reason that she would tell them.

I will just go see an attorney & call it quits. This has been a nightmare. I hate her & love her....

As for your other response that you posted, just remember that trying to appease a wayward by not making them mad doesn't really change anything. They're already gone, so how can you really run them off?

I think you're spot on with consulting an attorney. It sounds as though you were just another guy in a long history of short-term relationships. I'd move on.

What about the persons response that I took it too far by exposing the first time....that was last week...3 days after I found out. I thought I was doing the right thing.

It hurts me to know that she had a plan for all this to work out in her favor. She was so obnoxiously confident that I wouldn't find out, since she figured she had her phone with her at all the times. Little did she realize that I could find out when I wanted to.

Full nuclear exposure, then, is where her planning would have failed to meet the reality of the consequences she is going to have to deal with.

WWs who are EA-invested with their APs do not easily become unstuck from their attachment. The ones that historically have done so not only hit "rock bottom" in their assessment of their situation, but actually discovered a sub-basement beneath "rock bottom".

Your timid "step-by-step" exposure is seriously working against your interests. You're pulling off her bandage hair-by-agonizing-hair, and (mixing metaphors) is preventing her from slamming into that bottom.

That me finding out was the only way that she could end it with him.

Wow! Way callous and calculating! Prepare yourself my friend, for this expressed attitude on her part to be the major hurdle you will eventually have to overcome for YOUR recovery. (She's already planned her own, with your anticipated docile concurrence.)

You were doing the right thing by exposing.

That person that you mentioned is full of [censored]. Coddling a wayward doesn't work, no more than coddling an alcoholic does.

Forget about that person, tell them to eff off, or both (whichever suits your fancy) but shift gears because rethinking what is now in the past is a distraction.

I agree with NG on all-out exposure. A bit here and a bit there isn't as effective.

I am done with exposing....
Some feel that I have humiliated her by letting others read her transcripts....

I initially sent it to her mom, brother & a few friends in hopes they could help. They would not have believed me if I didnt send proof.

I am done with all this. I do not care for her anymore. I do not care what happens to her.

Maybe going thru all this will teach me a lesson. I will not hurt others....but I will stop caring about others in the future...if they are on fire..I will not dose them out. (this of course excludes my relatives)

I am wrong if I expose & wrong if I stay still.
So I just won't participate in this anymore.

I need to get a cold heart & start being tough on others.
But I won't start with her.

Jeff_R,

Why not listen to Dr Harley who is qualified with decades of experience for recovering marriages after adultery rather than some online bozo?

While we all here have our "opinion", I can assure you it is ONLY based on MB-advice and not our own armchair psychologist within.

You have two choices here, should you decide to divorce.

You can (A) become a bitter, angry man, who doesn't give a rat's bum about others and therefore will never be able to have the happy, fulfilling future marriage that he deserves or (B) learn to stand up for yourself, to stand up for your boundaries, to make WISE choices in selecting a future life partner, and have a happy fulfilling marriage.

Which is it?

Why do you want to continue to be a victim AFTER this woman will be gone? Why are you choosing women who victimize you and then accept it? You understand that this is NOT the life you need to live, right?

Ok, hoss, it sounds like you're down in that slump that we've all been in.

If you had kids, I'd say keep exposing and doing Plan A for a bit to try to salvage this.

Since you don't have kids and since she has a history of infidelity, then I'd say bolt because you shouldn't try to save this.

That's my opinion as an outsider looking in, but if you want to try to recover this then we'll support your efforts in it.

Your call.

I'm sorry it hurts to hear that I am doing something wrong...when I didnt deserve any of this....

Its hard to accept that someone can come along, make a comment & make me rethink all this....

I know you guys are right though....

I don't need to humiliate her any further by letting her close friends know. They won't intervene. I have to admit, it would be so they know the truth, but also as a way for me to hurt her as well. She is not coming back & I know this.

My only option now is to file & move back into my house.

And keep telling myself...I did not doing anything wrong

I wonder if changing the locks would be a good idea....and if she wanted to get inside the house, she needed a friend to accompany her.

We know, man. We've all gotten that t-shirt.

I, and probably others, just don't want you to quasi-halfway-recover this, have kids and then be in this boat again five years from now. It's so much worse once children are involved.

You just come home, unpack and move right on in. While she's standing there with a shocked look, you tell her that she needs to leave (go live with her parents or her adultery partner for a while).

Sure you can change the locks. If she drags the police over, just say you lost your keys the other day and are concerned that someone might find them and break in.

No need to insist on her bringing a (biased) friend with her. Instead, have someone with you that you trust.

Go buy a voice recorder that you can put in your pocket and record all conversations with her. An iPod or iPhone may do the trick as well--just make sure you can upload the recording and save it somewhere.