He has done ALL the MB conditions?

I don't like it when waywards break Plan B. I view it as a very unremorseful way of putting what they want first. He should be honouring your request and dealing with your IM. He should be telling her he is on board with the following:

1. end all contact with the OW for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about his affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to a marital programme for recovery of your choosing (MB)

Has he given such a plan to your IM?

Some people also require post-nups which give them everythign if there is any future infidelity.

Getting irritated at the idea of a poly is also a common sign of the unrepentant.

He did agree to all of those as well, I knew I left something out. He also contacted our MC to discuss MB with him and how he will begin to follow it, but you're right, not through the IM.
Would the IM need to ask him to do the poly right away? Only because, I don't want to know anything else right now, I haven't wanted much information about it in general yet. At least not in comparison to what I know many people want to know. I just don't know if I want details at all, ever.

You can ask for whatever details you want. You decide what they are. (I recommend at least finding out what 'led' to the A so you can eliminate those conditions in his behaviour/lifestyle)

For now, I would just get an agreement that he will do it, and use your IM so you dont have to negotiate with him until you know he's serious.

Well, I'm not sure what an IM can do at this point. Especially as I haven't even had contact with the WH yet.

But he has the IMs details?

Then he's a big boy. Hell figure it out.

MO

Not a PLB expert by any means.

Let tacks come out of his body in places they shouldn't until he figures it out. Go through the IM.

Silence at this point is truely golden. WH has what you sent him. Let him hang for a while to emphasize the point you are serious and his talk for a short time is not going to solve this by the weekend.

WH needs to know there are new rules to this M (If you still want to save it) and he better pay attention.

nESRE

Ok, all of that aside...I'm certain this is only because she dumped him or bc she did something so awful to him he couldn't ignore it to live in the fantasy world.
Nothing to do w our marriage. I'm only just looking good bc I stuck around this long. I'm John. Except I don't have kids, and I just turned 30 a month ago.
I just don't think I can get past being an after thought to such a degree. Maybe that's my ego but I don't know how to think past that.

It is hard to deal with, Mo. I remember in the beginning of our recovery, I was happy that he has chosen me. Think about that. Think of how messed up it is to be happy that your husband chose his wife over some skank who would open her legs for a married man (sorry for the crudeness). Every BS takes a huge shot to their self esteem because of it. It is something I have been working very hard to deal with with my IC.
It is up to you whether you can get past it or not. Some can't.

~RQ

Its a good attitude to have and your silence will give him the 'not good enough' message.

Let him prove his sincerity and make you feel like more of a priority to the IM if he's for real

I think I would ignore everything until he fully complies with your requests, including going through IM. Contacting you directly shows a disregard for your wishes, the opposite of what he should be doing right now!

MO

You can't think past this. History is what it is and no one changes history. I believe this is why Dr H says to get all your questions answered about the A-then never bring up the A again. This is if WH goes to the IM and you get a comittment from WH on the M.

Some can't stomach being 2nd choice. You now have a "Get out of M Free" card that is yours to use should you choose to. I believe everyone here will support you with whatever direction you decide to go.

Your the one who has to make that decision.

Not sure how much reading you have done at the site here. You may want to consider this as food for thought.

Article

Take your time with this and really figure out what MO wants. A lot of the recovery threads I read carry a common theme-It was too soon to get back together. As you have learned the hard way FR is extremely painful.

Don't be afraid to ask God for help with this most important decision. The answer on how to proceed is within you. What ever direction you go will be a life changing event for you.

nESRE

MO, just checking in on you. What's been going on?

~RQ

This week has been crazy. Work is insane and I'm trying to function normally which hasn't really happened since this all started. Even though my boss is very good about this I think he'd be out of patience for me now so I'm trying so hard to ensure no one notices how emotional I am. I am not an outwardly emotional person so this feels so strange to me, still.
I know he talked to her last night bc I looked on the phone bill. She called him twice in an hour, 15 min each time. Yes I know I should not have to protect myself.
Looks like we're going to need to lower the price of the house. I guess we're likely going to be late for the first time on the mortgage as well. Stress!!

Are you in Plan B yet?

Now formally yes. As of the last time he contacted me he said he wasn't going to speak with the IM and that he's working on himself to come back because he doesn't want to be with her. So I guess we'll see what he does now that RQ has contacted him.
I know I cannot look at things like phone records etc while in plan b to protect myself.

Working on himself means to continue to cake eat.

Lean on your IM to filter out his garbage and see if he's serious about meeting your conditions.

"Working on" is code for "doing nothing." You can be perpetually "working on" an issue without any measurable progress, or even without a plan for what "work" you are doing. It happens all over the boards here.

I have the documents he needs to sign to get the clock ticking in the divorce.
Should I set a timeframe, like a week or so, wait to see what he does, if anything? I feel like its best to get those to him, as an additional indicator of my seriousness given the severity of the situation. 99% of me feels divorce is what needs to happen to protect myself even though I don't actually want it, if I'm being honest. I feel like I'm out of energy for any fight for this marriage. But I don't know if I need to give this time to be 100% certain? Will I ever feel 100% certainty about this?

He shouldn't be able to contact you in Plan B. Have you changed numbers, email etc - blocked all his ways to access you?



Plan B is not about fighting for the marriage, it is about getting you peace to heal in. Whatever happens, we need to get you away from his drama and healing properly.

Nonsense like 'working on' himself is actively designed to keep you waiting, and keep you in pain while he makes up his mind.

File for divorce now, if your lawyer says you need the protection. If not, wait until you feel like doing it.

Divorce is not instant, it can take a long time. You can get the ball rolling now and tell your lawyer to pace it so you dont finalise it until you're ready.

Well, I filed and he was served 2ish months ago actually. He already approved drafts for an mutual consent divorce so what I have now are final versions of property settlement and other documents he needs to sign in front of a notary and then its a 90 day wait once signed by both parties until its final.
Yes I closed up all loopholes this time. He's not able to contact me through friends/family/phone/email.