Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
T
tnmom66 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
I have had a 15 year younger man chasing me relentlessly for 7 months as I have just tried to stay friends. I met him about 3 years ago at the grocery store where he worked and we were pretty friendly when I came in to shop, but I was trying to work out a relationship with my preschooler's dad and didn't consider myself "available" and he didn't think it was appropriate to ask out customers. He left that job and I didn't see him for a couple of years, but I ran into him again around the end of 2011. We chatted and caught up with each other in a different store where he saw me and came to talk to me. He asked for my pone number and I said "no" then he asked if he could be my facebook friend and I said he could. I am pretty sure that I saw his friends list at first. I have been on 4 or 5 dates with him and talked on the phone and texted.

Well, I am not having great luck finding someone to have a relationship with.I told him I would be his "girlfriend" on a "trial basis" and see if we can both get our primary needs met. I wanted to go on his facebook page and see who his girl friends are and ask him about them. I told him OPENNESS and HONESTY are crucial. I could not find his friends list. I wonder if he is hiding it from me. I don't think we need a very long "probationary period" for me to know if I feel good about this guy or not. I have had 2 long term relationships with men who had major issues I knew about before I got involved. My husband, I chose to be involved with because I loved him so much. My preschooler's dad I chose to get involved with because I was just looking for a temporary distraction while I was hoping my ex husband's new wife would leave him. Well, everything blew up in my face when I got pregnant with the man I thought was just a temporary distraction.

I am very much gun shy. I don't want to worry if someone is hiding anything. I have almost all of Dr. Harley's books.
Just fishing for advice. This guy keeps telling me how wonderful I am and he has been so patient and persistent, but for all I know he is seeing other girls. I don't have much time, and he stays busy, too with work and school.

This is the first time I feel in control. My ex husband kept me beaten down and I felt like nobody would want me and I felt so lucky to be in the relationship with my baby's dad and I always let him know how honored I felt and how I didn't believe how lucky I was. After I got pregnant and had my baby he has engaged in several abusive (not physical) and I have been intimidated, This young guy is different. I feel like I have all the power. I feel like I am in control and he can't hurt me
I just want to know if I am getting involved with a player. Couldn't stand that.

Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Originally Posted by tnmom66
for all I know he is seeing other girls.

And why shouldn't he be? It doesn't sound like you are ready to consider you and him an "item", so why wouldn't he be meeting other women any more than you can be going out on dates with other men?

It seems like you want exclusivity before even dipping your toe into the pool, why not go out and enjoy his company and see where it goes, without expectations or demands? No need to put the cart ahead of the horse.

AGG


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Have you read Dr. Harley's Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders?

Here's a wonderful thread that Pep started about it.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
I would not be so quick to assume that a younger man can be controlled in such a manner. You sound very vulnerable and insecure (you've been on a few dates, he has every right to talk to other women and spend time with them) - I suspect the only one who will get hurt in this process is you.

Part of recovering after a bad marriage is learning how to date properly again (or, date properly for a first time!), getting into the right emotional frame of mind to choose a partner. So far, you want to date a much younger man so you can "control" the situation - that sounds like the words of someone who is not in a healthy frame of mind.

Since you are young enough to have a preschooler, this guy is what, 20,25?? He's young, you've dated him 4 times, you already think he's hiding things from you... I think you are trying to apply expectations within a marriage to a very casual early dating situation.

I just see a world of hurt here, and it's going to be you, not him. I don't think young single men take well to being "controlled" by an older women, I think this does not play out the same as it would with a younger woman/older man.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by tnmom66
I just want to know if I am getting involved with a player. Couldn't stand that.

Reality check.

You are not just a single woman dating.
You are a Mom to a very young child.
This changes what your priorities should be.
Your focus should be on raising a wonderful child, not on finding yet another man.
And, furthermore, you should not be having sex with anyone at this point. You already have one out-of-wedlock baby, you should have learned by now that is not the optimum way to bring up a child, or children. You do your best as a single Mom, I'm sure. But a child raised by a married Mom & Dad feels more secure in the world .... because their situation IS more secure. You want the best for the child you have, right? Then be a Mom and do not make any man you are dating more important than your child. Lots of women have more than one "baby daddy" ... which I find irresponsible. I don't want you to be one of those women.

Not to mention the 15 year age difference. I think you mentioned this for a reason. A younger man "chasing" you "relentlessly" is flattering to you. I can tell by the way you wrote this. Flattery is making love-bank deposits. But flattery is also often quite manipulative and not completely honest. You think you can "control" another adult human being ???? Is this (control) really the basis for a healthy relationship? Control? Really? Think again.

You wrote:
Originally Posted by You
I felt like nobody would want me

This one comment means you are not ready for dating.
You are ready to date, as an adult Mother of a young child, when you have the confidence to know your value is not dependent on what some man says about you. Nothing says "disaster ahead" like entering the dating world thinking "nobody wants me" .... This attitude will be a magnet for flatterers and liars and men who prey on needy women. That would be you.

Dating? You're not ready. You're too weak. You lack the self confidence (obtained by being confidently single) to make discriminating choices about men.

BE PARTICULAR !!!
Date only first class men who want a first class woman.
Be a first class woman.
Be patient.
Be observant.
Be confident.
Be of value to yourself.

This is the exact conversation I had with my own daughter.
She's dating a first class guy now & he treats her like she is the most important woman on earth (to him).

You're welcome.


Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
T
tnmom66 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
I am sorry if I didn't make myself clear. I did not mean that I felt in control of HIM or was trying to control HIM, I meant that I feel more in control of MYSELF and am more in control of my role in the relationship. I hate feeling like other people are trying to control me, and I wouldn't want to do it to anyone else. I was very vulnerable in a previous relationship, but I don't think I am now. It is a totally different feeling.

I think there is nothing wrong in being in control of myself and being cautious about the situations I put myself in.

I'm 46, the guy is 31.

I think I might be a little overly cautious this go-round, I have been divorced for 11 years and haven't been in a relationship for 4 years and I really would like to have a "significant other".

I had a date with this guy tonight. I guess the problem is that I hadn't spent enough time with him. He really seems very open and honest in person. I think I don't do well with texting. I spent almost 3 hours with him this evening and I feel better about him. It just takes time to get to know someone and I don't guess you should trust anyone till you get to know them.

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
T
tnmom66 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
If I'm not ready to date now, I don't know when I'll ever be.

This is not a sexual relationship, but I know this guy would like for it to be. I agree with you , Pepperband, about single moms, baby daddies. My life is so complicated enough, I don't need another baby daddy to deal with.

But I would like a companion, a confidant. I want to be part of a "couple". My kids are my number one priority, but I want somebody who plans to be there when my kids have flown the coop. I don't want to wait till I am 60 and my daughter graduates from high school to be a woman or a wife as well as a "mom".

Yes, it is flattering to be 46 and have people think I'm in my late 20's. But I kind of laughed this guy at first...I thought it was ridiculous that he'd want to pursue a relationship with me. After all these months, it seems that he is serious. And he seems like he is willing to fit into my life. I am very strict about only dating on the days I don't have my little one. My other kids are teenagers, but I will make sure they are getting enough "quality time" before I spend time on a date. I haven't got a lot of time or energy to put into a relationship, but this guy seems to be happy to get what I can give him. I have just heard some bad stories from people and I have had some bad experiences myself and I'm a little scared of getting hurt or complicating my life more than it already is.

I do not want to control another human being. I want self-control and to be in control of the situation RATHER THAN being controlled. I don't want to get swept up in a disaster if there is anything I can do to prevent it. I just want to make good choices.

I think this guy is good, but he REALLY seems to have the "hots" for me, but he is respecting my boundaries, which I really appreciate. And the way he has been so patient and persistent for all these months makes me think that he really does, as he keeps saying, like me and respect me and think I'm a good woman. I think he wouldn't think as highly of me if I went to bed with him early on in a relationship. He has even mentioned marriage, but I don't know if he's serious. I am not ready to marry anyone right now, and I guess I was suspicious of him because it is hard to believe he'd rather pursue me than the other women he has met.

Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Originally Posted by tnmom66
He has even mentioned marriage, but I don't know if he's serious.

You should plan to date a person for at least a year or preferrably two, before thinking about marriage. In the meantime, just take it one day at a time and see if the relationship stands the test of time, that's the best way to do it smile.

AGG


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
5 dates and he's mentioning marriage with a woman 15 years his senior who has a child... tnmom66, while I don't dispute that people can have a successful marriage with an age difference, I would strongly caution you that this guy might just be telling you what you want to hear for a conquest. There is an unfortunate population of men who prey on single mothers because they deem them to be 'easier'. Be on guard.

Last edited by alis; 07/25/12 09:28 AM.
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
T
tnmom66 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
The last guy I dated, my little girl's dad, told me at the start that he didn't want to marry me because he didn't want somebody who was divorced with kids.

I am not saying we're getting married, I just want to know up front if there are any obvious deal breakers. I am too old to have 2 years to date before I start thinking about marriage. I want to get married and I would certainly wait 1-2 years minimum before getting married, but I don't want to date anyone I know I won't marry or who knows he won't marry me.

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 4,983
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 4,983
Eeehhhuuummmm? Too old? Seriously? i am your age, in the midst of plan d, and am seriously happy to wait years after the d before i should date, let alone date years before getting married again (if i do)....what is the rush? Do you just want to be married or do you want to find the right person and have a loving, longlasting, and fulfilling marriage? And i too have very young children.


"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Originally Posted by tnmom66
I just want to know up front if there are any obvious deal breakers.

And that is exactly the purpose of dating, to find out the answer smile. If and when you see a delabreaker, then you break the deal. Otherwise, if you are enjoying each other's company and all is going well, why not just go with it? Unless you have a crystal ball, you never know if a relationship will lead to anything or not, barring the obvious dealbreakers.

AGG


Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Originally Posted by tnmom66
I am too old to have 2 years to date before I start thinking about marriage.

I have to agree with others, this attitude really screams out that you are not ready to be dating. I think you are bound to get hurt if you are dating in this state of mind.

AGG


Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Whenever I am confused about a new poster's purpose, I return to the first thread & look for the question.
Here is your question:


Originally Posted by tnmom66
I just want to know if I am getting involved with a player. Couldn't stand that.

You're the one dating him.
You're the one taking the dating risks.
You're the one who will eventually discriminate whether or not he's worthy of your company.
You're the one with eyes & ears, directly observing what he does, what he says, how he says it.

Let's say "worst case scenario" ... he turns out to be a "player".
So what? You don't invest emotionally all at once, do you?
You see something you don't like, you stop dating him.

In your first post you also said:

Originally Posted by YOU
I don't want to worry if someone is hiding anything.

Huh? If your instincts and the available data indicate he's not honest, you stop dating him. Easy, because you have not invested much.

If you want to REALLY be cautious .... hire a PI to investigate him. !!!! cool

PS: You still sound a bit needy. Be careful and pay attention to your own neediness. Best of luck ! smile DATE A LOT OF DIFFERENT MEN .... that way you'll gain perspective and trust your own judgment more than you do now.


Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by tnmom66
I am too old to have 2 years to date before I start thinking about marriage.

Say what?
Look at it this way ...... Your child is too precious ... Do not think about marriage hastily. Your child needs you to be deliberate/particular/discriminating/and meticulous about who you date and especially about who you marry.
And that takes .............. TIME.
Usually about 2 years.

Last edited by Pepperband; 07/26/12 09:13 AM. Reason: complete thought
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
It'd be good if you just took time to be a mom and have friends and if something good develops from there, great, but I wouldn't be going out with marriage in mind. Give it a real good wait and see, if at all! There's nothing wrong with being single and maybe it'd be good to get your daughter raised before getting into a marriage. That you had a child with someone you knew up front did not consider you marriage material shows you either don't think things through or you're impulsive (and don't think things through). Don't repeat that mistake, spare yourself and your child any further compounding in your life.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
T
tnmom66 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
I don't want to get married hastily. I have dated several different men and this is the guy I like the best.

My husband's second ex-wife asked me why I didn't tell her before they got married what my ex-husband was like. I told him I would have been glad to if she had asked. They lived together a few months before they got married. I think they got married 6 months after they met, her divorce was almost final and he decided to pursue her. She feels like my ex hid a lot of things from her, and he did. She saw the veil come down on the honeymoon. I felt sorry for her, but I felt like she should have done her homework. I would not marry anyone without interviewing the ex's or friends or family of the ex.

I do not like being single. I have been single for 10 or 11 years and I hate it. I love my kids and they are my first priority. I do not want to marry right away, but I don't want to invest in someone with my time and emotions if they are not at least a potential fit. If someone tells me they would never marry a woman with kids, I would not waste my time on them. If it weren't for looking for a mate, I would not "date" all. I have plenty of male friends. I have very limited time and energy and I don't have any to waste.

So far, I'm enjoying this guy's company.I am still open to meeting other men.

I definitely feel ready to date. I trust my judgement, but I also remember how skillful my ex was at hiding his true nature from the other woman.

I don't see myself marrying in less than 2 years, and probably in not less than 6 or 7, but I want to be in a solid, stable relationship before then.

I do trust my instincts. I am not rushing into anything. I think, considering my bad experience with my last relationship, and the fact that I still have 3 kids at home, I can't be overly cautious or take things too slow. I just want some forward movement until I hit a dealbreaker.

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by AGoodGuy
Originally Posted by tnmom66
I just want to know up front if there are any obvious deal breakers.

Unless you have a crystal ball, you never know if a relationship will lead to anything or not ...
AGG

I needed this AGG. I tend to want to see the future FOR SURE and it's not possible. *sigh*


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5