Cara, how are the decorating plans going?

Thanks for asking happy.

I went and looked at a display home of "my home" today. Okay, so it had an extra room (I am going for the smaller version) and an outdoor bath, but other than that, it was my plan.

I LOVED it. It is my first real home. There are things I would have improved on if I had a second income coming in, but knowing that I can achieve this by myself makes it VERY special to me.

As for decorating... the slab isn't even down and I am busy researching how to decorate. I have no idea to be honest.

I have an Iranian rug that I adore, and hope will work well with the space I have. I hope to make it a feature and have tiled all of the living areas as this home will likely become an investment property in future (if I can bear to tear myself away from my stone benches!)

Because I am so indecisive, I have gone very neutral colours throughout. I have a friend who is a painter, and will paint some feature walls once building is complete, as I want to put a bit of a stamp on it and vary things up a bit. I am thinking an olive green to some of the walls.

One of my friends is skilled with metal design... I am going to ask him to make some screens up for my garden. I would like the alfresco room to have some screens for added privacy which I envisage would look pretty fab.

My address is also really cool and Australian. Teatree Place. I am known for always giving foreign friends teatree oil, so it fits.

I think there is always something we would add if we had the extra money but it is awesome that this is your home and YOU are doing it YOUR WAY.

I think it is great that you are researching now, best to get ideas. If you haven't already it is good to start a file (pictures of things you like)or even a mood board with samples of colour, textures, patterns etc.

The Iranian rug is a great idea that can be a focal point and can help decide the colours and decor for the rest of the room. Its also a good idea going with neutral colours and using accessories for colour. Its always easier and cheaper to change accessories.

Tiles is a great way to go and much healthier than carpet. Rugs can be used to "soften the rooms". If you have the money underfloor heating is good for winter if not rugs, slippers or socks works. Tiled floors are great for Aussie summers, provide a welcome relief from the heat. I remember sitting on the tiled floor in our family room one incredibly hot humid summer day ... much cooler than the leather lounge!

Metal screens sounds great for the garden and alfesco room .. I love wrought iron and it can be used with different decorating styles.

I love tea tree oil it is amazing for any injury. We stock up on our visits to Oz. We had lots of tea trees where we used to live. I wouldn't mind planting one here, it would be handy if I learned how to make the tea tree oil. I might be onto a new venture .... its so expensive to buy it here in NZ ... lol

I'm inland so tiles ARE the way to go to escape the Aussie heat. If I had the money and did not think I might rent the place in future, I would have gone timber floating floorboards. Actually, stuff the money, I thought of going them anyway, but they are high maintanence for renters. This put me off.

I hadn't thought of starting a file; thanks! I like too many ideas at present. I want the place to be light and bright; it is small (15sq because of expense and I want to feel safe in a smaller space). Also, I don't like cluttered unless in an older house.

I can't afford the underfloor heating... slippers it is. This did make me hesitate on tiles, its why I wanted floorboards, but I can't have it both ways. I have carpet in the bedrooms only, and have paid the extra for tiles everywhere else.

I love wrought iron too, however my friend showed me some stainless steel designs he had done, and then had powder coated. WOW.

Lucky I don't own any furniture. This will all have to be bought new. It allows me to decorate as I like (within budget) and have fresh memories. The few furniture items I have I think I will leave at my parents. I don't want the triggers to sully my new life.

And a tea tree new venture. Wow. I don't have the foggiest how to make the oil. I haven't even seen a plant, sadly! Are they difficult to plant? They would smell great! I know when oeverseas I missed eucalypts.... when I went to Spain and saw a gum tree, tears welled. So a teatree in your back yard would capture your very own Australia.

I think tiles are a great practical way to go. Even in winter they can be warm under foot depending on orientation to sun. Our kitchen dining area is all glass and the sun warms the tiles in winter ... nice under foot. If not slippers or socks keep the feet warm. Although wooden floors look good they require sanding and staining, tiles are less maintenance.

There is a really good product that is vinyl but is looks like wood flooring called Allure. You can find it at Mitre 10 and Bunnings. It is comes in "plank form" so can be laid to look like a "traditional wooden floor", easy to lay, no adhesives or special tools required. It is warm under foot, doesn't scratch/scuff like wood and spills can be easily wiped up without damage. We used it in a renovation project and the feedback was very positive.

I don't know how well tea tree would go here, but if eucalypts are anything to go by they will be healthier here than in OZ. Our dream section I mentioned in my thread has eucalpyts and they are healthier and have less leaf drop than those in Oz.

Sometimes in Plan B I feel like I am not progressing. That I am not trying hard enough, moving forward, etc.

Today it dawned on me... my D Day anniversary has come and gone... and I didn't even notice.

Thats progress for me!

I still miss who he was though. What we had. What we could have had. My LB$ is still there. Lately memories of good times have been popping up a lot.

But I can see myself sharing this with someone else in the future. Once healed (and divorced). I am sort of starting to look forward to dating.

on your progress my friend.

Yeppers. Things that seemed important, no longer are. Looking forward to future changes, whatever the may be, that is all progress and personal healing/recovery.

Now that is progress - DD Anniversary passing without realising and looking forward to what the future holds.

Thanks all.

Oddly enough, I just had one of skank's FB friends message me about exposure.

Okay, the heart accelerated a bit. But I can read it and not feel compelled to ACT. Just read it, and think skank really has some weird friends. Telling me I can do better then a cheater so shouldn't waste my time, but good luck?

It just reinforces that my friends are quality. MB and IRL.

I have bigger fish to fry at the moment... today I have been trying to negotiate my salary. Tomorrow I am speaking with managers to justify my requests, gulp!

Wow that was out of the blue. Good on you for not feeling the need to respond.

Good luck with the salary negotiation.

Weird huh?

Thanks happy, I think I need all of the help I can get... not used to negotiating these sort of things. In the UK I always had agents do it for me.

I am starting to worry about my boundaries.

I still feel at no risk of infidelity. But I can see changes in my desires. And I KNOW the effects of the slippery slope. So I will post so people can criticise and I can avoid this. I want to protect myself more from the slippery slope effect.

It has been about 14 months since separation. Since any SF. I am starting to want a partner in my life, in ALL areas, certainly not just SF. Although I admit it, hormones are part of the play. I still have control though.

Gollum is not what I want. I am starting to look at other men in quite an objective way.

I have work colleagues that keep "snooping". They are not for me. They are not what I want or would EVER get involved with. I am secure with this, knowing me and MB.

But they keep trying to chip away. I have dealt with this well. Until today. I had one of them, my supervisor, ask me about a colleague I have not yet met. I innocently replied, this colleague asked me to go meet him as I am hoping to teach him (a newbie), along with other colleagues, about our team and its role. I had not thought anything of this. In fact, this supervisor had suggested I go and meet with the staff to do exactly this earlier the same day.

When I mentioned to my supervisor that this male colleague had agreed it would be good for me to meet the team.... the response was "Wow, of course he would think this, but are YOU really interested in an old man?" My supervisor thinks the age of the male colleague in question is relevant. I don't.

But when he asked this, referencing I am too young to be interested in an "old man"... my automatic response was "what do you know... you are making assumptions on many different levels..."

Ohhh, I realise in hindsight this is a VERY leading statement. The colleague in question, I have no idea how old he is having never met him. My supervisor who keeps chipping away... he is about 48, and I am not interested in the slightest. Irrespective of his age (which is outside my dating boundaries, the man is just not what I am looking for in a prospective partner).

But as soon as I said it, I could see that this was my first "flirty" comment. My boundaries had slipped. He has been chipping away with the questions about my dating, my husband, etc... and to date I had evaded... until today.

2X4's are now deserved. Bring them on.

Caracal,

Why would you need a 2X4 from here when you already drop a piano on your own head?

AM

I have read the scenario of the "old man" discussion several times, i am not seeing flirtyness....maybe i am missing something? Or misread it?

The whole wanting a partner in you life I completely get. One of the tough parts of plan b and keeping our boundaries up. I have resorted to a future box so that i can get these thoughts out of my head. For some reason writing them down, EN, keeps me from hitting the rewind/play button in my head all day. Thus allowing me to keep my boundaries more so because my EN are not playing in my head. Just a thought.

Car,

I'm confused what you exactly did that deserves a 2X4. What did I miss?

It wasnt a flirty comment, Car. YOU were talking about work. It was your boss who changed the topic. All you did was tell him he didnt know you and not to make assumptions. What's wrong with that? He probably will read something into it, but that's his problem.

I think you're on tenterhooks around this guy and are watching everything you say. That's a good thing. Wariness is good.



Well, I need 2x4s too then because this happens to me ALL the time.

We have desires. We have needs. And we cant have them met. Thats the whole reason BSs need higher boundaries than anyone else. If we didn't we wouldnt have to bother being careful.

I don't allow people to make LB deposits if I can help it, but sometimes an odd coin slips in.

PA for example. If you walk into a room and find someone attractive a deposit has been made and there's not much you can do about it, except not be around them any more.

I walked into a mobile phone shop and found the man there so attractive that I was thinking about him all the way back to the train station. Then I got on the wrong train!

So I threw his business card out and bought my phone deal somewhere else.

Desires are OK. Its what you do about them, preventing further LB deposits that counts.

We MBers know the dangers. It's only the 'It's OK if we are just friends' brigade who get into trouble.

Car, Dr H says its perfectly natural to find other people attractive even WITHIN a happy marriage!

You go to your spouse and say: "We can't hang out with so and so, any more. I think they are attractive."

So go give yourself a pat on the back for RH with the board and go paint your toenails.

Car, exactly as Indie stated so eloquently. You need to keep your boundaries HIGH, but that doesn't mean that nothing will slip through. It's what you do with it that counts.

And guess what, you're completely NORMAL. Good to know, eh?

Thanks all.

I've been reviewing my response to this supervisor's persistance. AM and BH... I think my worry about being interepreted as flirty is based on guilt. Believe it or not... I think I feel guilty towards Gollum, because in my mind I am still married. And also, on some level and despite my lack of interest, the attention makes me feel feminine.

I also feel guilty because earlier in that week, my supervisor had told me it was his wedding anniversary. Another colleague asked if he would be sad. He responded that he didn't know how he would feel. I told him that this was perfectly normal, the right way to feel. He asked me what I did on my anniversary. I said I shopped up a storm and went out with friends. Up until this point I have never responded to his attempts to veer the conversation. I think because other colleagues were present, I relaxed my boundaries.

When I said the statement about his making assumptions, I meant nothing flirty behind it. But afterwards I could see that he might interpret this differently.

Indie captured it all so well. I am very on guard around this guy. He makes me wary. And maybe the LB$ simply by his attention are adding to my wariness. I don't want this man to be making any deposits; but my craving for male attention seems to have allowed him to. Certainly not substantially. I know this man is not MB material, not suited to me.

I feel a bit at a loss of how to cope with the attention. Gollum was always there to deflect in the past. Or I could just flash my wedding ring. Now, I am having to learn how to deal with this attention, when I was involved with Gollum since 16. I will learn... it just isn't as easy as I thought.

I feel reassured that this is normal though.

BTW, my toenails are Ruby Slippers. It makes me think of the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy's shoes.