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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
So the only requirement is that he post on Marriage Builders?

No. My requirement for him to stay in our house was that he seek wise counsel here on the MB Forum... Up until today, he has vehemently refused to do this.

Coming to the MB Forum is where he and I will "start" the process of restoring love in our marriage by seeking wise counsel from MB Vets.

NOT taking a poly is not an option for him... He must do it in order for him to stay in this house... And, I will be proactive in making sure it happens rather than wait for my MB Vets to tell him to do it!

Thank you!

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Wise, the requirement should be that he take a polygraph test and enter a program of recovery for your marriage. Posting on the forum will not save your marriage. We do not have any leverage to hold your husband accountable, but you do.

The polygraph test will help you uncover the truth but that does not go far enough. Your husband does not know how to make you happy and your marriage is in bad shape. You both need to use this program.

But I think the first step needs to be you hold him accountable by making the polygraph test a requirement. Make up a list of questions for him and give him a 2 day amnesty. Make the appointment for the polygraph and get that going.

The nearest poly examiner is a few miles away. (Apprx. 90 miles)
The "program of recovery" is Marriage Builders. Starting here on the Forum... Working our way "up" to the Harleys!
No, you do not have any leverage to hold H accountable, that is my job...
I hope that the wise counsel he receives here will encourage him to go the distance in our process...

Validating the truth about his past is paramount! If he has been telling me the truth, I need to know. If he has not, I need to know.

Yes, our marriage is in bad shape... VERY BAD SHAPE!

Being proactive is a MUST on my part! You are right!
I showed him a list of questions that I would like him to answer a few weeks ago... There are over 30 questions on that list!!!!! I would be happy to post my list for you to look at if you would like to see it...

Yes ma'am... I will get it going... Monday will be the soonest that I can actually call the poly examiner to find out the specifics of what I need to do...
Thank you...

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Why not ask him to take a poly?
Polygraph Testing
Did you see this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by brokenvase
Dear Wise1:

My husband never resisted MB; he "bought into" the principles right away. He read the books, listened to the CDs, completed the questionnaires, counseled with Jennifer Chalmers, posted here....

He was great to me. Did anything I wanted him to do; often I didn't even have to ask. Had more than the recommended UA time. Lots of recreational companionship and domestic support. Never any unaccounted-for time, or money. SWORE that I knew the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Was very sorry that it didn't make sense, but "it was what it was" and he wasn't going to make things up just so things made sense.

Drove me CRAZY because what he told me DIDN'T MAKE SENSE. I went into IC for almost 2 years to work on "my issues." (See "gaslighting;" the accompanying illustration is my husband).

He was still lying.

He was great at it, as he had 30 years of practice and successful implementation. I struggled to believe him; Jennifer believed him.

Four years after we started MB, I caught him looking up the OW on Facebook and viewing porn.

I told him he would need to take a poly for me to stay married to him.

Now, check my signature and see what happened.

GET A POLYGRAPH NOW.

Especially if you're ready for Plan B.

BV (The "what not to do" example here at MB)

ETA: After I asked for a poly, my husband also revealed many other events, primarily from his childhood, that I have not posted here, as they were not relevant to infidelity. I had no idea, and have known him since he was 16. The sequence of events in my signature are just the "tip of the iceberg" in terms of openness and honesty.
Your story is exactly what I am fearing my story will be... Of course, I hope and pray that H has been telling me the "truth"! If he has not, I will go the distance with him AS LONG AS HE IS WILLING TO DO HIS PART... I will NOT deny, rationalize, justify anything that is NOT truth in our marriage! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom... Your story is exactly what I need to hear!
I will do exactly what you and ML and BH tell me I need to do...

Lastly, I am going to tell my H to read your story... I will be interested in hearing his "perspective"...

God Bless ~




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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Why not ask him to take a poly?
Polygraph Testing
Did you see this?
I need as much info regarding poly testing as I can get!
THANK YOU!!!!!

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Originally Posted by Wise1
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Why not ask him to take a poly?
Polygraph Testing
Did you see this?
I need as much info regarding poly testing as I can get!
THANK YOU!!!!!
So your H said that your and his marriage is an affairage? Is this true?

You both were married and had affairs with each other? How did you two meet?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Quote
So your H said that your and his marriage is an affairage? Is this true?

You both were married and had affairs with each other? How did you two meet?

Yes, our marriage 37+ years ago is the result of an affair.
We met at work.
I was 23 & had been married for three years.
H was 31 & had been married for five years.

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Originally Posted by Wise1
Quote
So your H said that your and his marriage is an affairage? Is this true?

You both were married and had affairs with each other? How did you two meet?
Yes, our marriage 37+ years ago is the result of an affair.
We met at work.
I was 23 & had been married for three years.
H was 31 & had been married for five years.
Has he had any affairs during your M?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Wise1
Quote
So your H said that your and his marriage is an affairage? Is this true?

You both were married and had affairs with each other? How did you two meet?
Yes, our marriage 37+ years ago is the result of an affair.
We met at work.
I was 23 & had been married for three years.
H was 31 & had been married for five years.
Has he had any affairs during your M?
I do not know.
He says he has not.
I have questions, based on hindsight.
Because of what I have learned since coming to this forum and reading HNHN, LB & SAA, I realize that H had many opportunities.
H and I have been separated for months at a time due to his jobs.
Until I found him using porn in January, 2010, I was confident that he would never do anything that would jeopardize our marriage.
That incident in 2010 is what led me to MB.
The more I read here and in Dr. Harley's books, the more I realized that our marriage was not what I thought it was.
After trusting Christ in 1979, I thought our marriage was safe based on our relationship with Him...
Since coming to this forum, I now realize that there are other Christian men/women who have fallen into sexual immorality...
No one is immune to seeking SF outside of marriage.
Even Christians...

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Have you thought about calling the coaching center?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes.
H and I know that we must leave no stone unturned in seeking wise counsel from the Harleys.
We have read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts and many of his articles together.
We are in the process of rereading HNHN, LB & SAA together.
Using POJA, this is our "Start".
God Bless ~



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H's poly is scheduled for Wednesday, 07/25/12 @ 6 PM...
I have given H the list of Q's that the Examiner will ask...
Thank you, BH, BV & ML...
Blessings ~
pray

Last edited by Wise1; 07/23/12 08:19 PM.
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Out of curiosity, what are your questions?

My H has taken 2 polys. We had a really good poly tech that walked us thorugh the process and informed us of what/how to ask the qestions to get the best results.


BS(me)
FWH
M '91
DS x 3



Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

Col. 2:8 (NLT)
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Originally Posted by Lgtex1
Out of curiosity, what are your questions?
On May 7, 2012, I started a list of questions that I wanted my H to answer.
They were "Yes" "No" questions.
On Monday, July 23, 2012, I gave my H the list of "31" questions.
I told him on Monday that he would be asked no more than "5" of the 31 questions.
I told him that no more than "5" questions (out of the 31)that he would be asked would be revealed just prior to the examination.
This morning, before I left for work, my H circled his "Yes" "No" answers to all 31 questions.
To be clear, I reiterated that he would be asked no more than "5" of the 31 questions at his examination.
When we got to the designated place for the examination, the PE asked me which "5" questions I would like to ask my H.
H gave his questionnaire with his "Yes" "No" answers to the polygrapher.
I told the PE I had only "One" question that I wanted him to ask my H... Which was:
#31) After answering all of the questions above, have you given a false answer to any of them?
"Yes" "No"

H had circled "No"...
H's answer did NOT show deception...
H and I are finally at "START"!





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You have no idea how wonderful it is to know that my H and I are in POJA agreement in restoring love in our marriage!
Jesus is our Glue!
Blessings ~
loveheart

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hurray

You are very wise! great question, and congratulations on moving forward!


BS(me)
FWH
M '91
DS x 3



Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

Col. 2:8 (NLT)
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Thank You, Sweetheart...
Our "Start" has begun!
As an aside ~
Husband and I are convinced that our stumbling block has been the enemy's ability to cause doubt in our marriage...
Especially in me!
Because of our past, I have allowed the enemy to use me to cause my H and I to doubt that there was any way for us to become "one" in Him!
Yet, on Easter Sunday, 1979, Jesus came into our lives!
We have Jesus, and Dr. Harley's wonderful "tools", in restoring love in our marriage.
We are finally free, INDEED!, to use Jesus and Dr. Harley's tools in a way that will begin our "process"...
H and I have determined that we will espouse Dr. Harley's "tools" in helping others, especially in our church!
Where there is God's grace and compassion, using Dr. Harley's principles, there is hope!
Thank you so much for your encouragement!
Blessings ~

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P.S.
Dear Lgtex1 ~
If we do not see you before ~ ~ ~
We will see you when we get to Heaven!!!!!
Blessings ~
kiss

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Quote
H and I have determined that we will espouse Dr. Harley's "tools" in helping others, especially in our church!


Please be sure to let those you are helping know that you both destroyed your previous marriages to be together. I would be highly upset to seek marriage counceling in my church only to find out I am getting marriage advice from two people who are in an affairage. And this comes from a WW.

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You still have a loooong way to go with recovery. Be careful with who you share you story with, not everyone is "safe".

The "affairage" will probably cause you problems as Ruby states. Being a BW, I can see credibility issues. Just being honest.

But, being truely repentant and doing a complete 180 with your lives says something. Have you done some research on true repentence? It's very eye-openeing.

You know what you have done in the past, and all the hurt people left in your dust, it's what you do from here on out.

It will be tricky, and I'm not here to judge.

On a positive note, one thing my FWH and I started with in our recovery was praying out-loud together. Stating our struggles and triumphs before God is a great way to stay connected, with each other and God.



BS(me)
FWH
M '91
DS x 3



Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

Col. 2:8 (NLT)
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