I just e-mailed my attorney, i am crying and i do not know why. I guess the lack of remorse on his part, he really does not care about me and that hurts so much. He is runnning around like a lunatic trying to win the OW back, save face at work and acting like the victim. I wish he was trying to come back to me, I hate to admit that.

Plan B will help, I am so tired and worn out from this

Is there hope for recovery? Can someone really change and turn it around? I see it on posts here. This is what I want. I wish I did not. Can not admit this to my family, they hate him even more now.

Mason,

The reason you need to follow MB's Plan B is because right now, I suspect he could talk you right back into being with him again. You have said it yourself several times that you would be back with him if you could, so when you say things like "I won't talk to him ever again"... well, I'm sure he can see right through that.

Plan Mason has led you to an even worse situation. I would suggest that you stop following your own "plan", which is not supported by MB for very critical reasons (ie. your health, your sanity), and start listening to the actual MB materials and implementing it. You're hurting yourself even further, you realize that right??

You are SO vulnerable right now and he's a predator. You're going to end up right back where you started until you start following the advice you've been given...

No. Not right now.

But there is false recovery waiting around the corner, again. You're at the fork in the road and debating... get into Plan B now!

I am not debating, maybe just leaning on a hope and a prayer that he will turn his life around. That's all. Hard to give that up!

Hey Mason. I know exactly the hope you are talking about. It is that hope that keeps your heart soft towards your H. I NOW see the wisdom after being beaten over the head wtih it that Plan B'ing him is the BEST thing you can do for yourself (and the best solution if your marriage is ever to recover.) If you don't see that now, just look at how your plan (Plan Mason as someone called it) has worked. We want to believe them. They are our husbands. The problem is that he will tell you whatever it is that you want to hear to keep you where he wants you (keeping his life easy so he can eat cake) He wants his life to be as easy as possible, you holding down the fort, taking care of his kids, cooking meals, doing laundry, so he can easily live his secret second life because that is more imortant to him that his family is. Please see this. For whatever the reasons, you are not his priority anymore. He has to want to fix his marriage. You can't want it enough for the both of you or do all the work for the both of you. You are draining everything that he hasn't already taken from you trying to save this sinking ship when he has already abandoned ship, so to speak. He doesn't want you to drown, but he doesn't want to stay with you anymore. His heart is just not with you anymore. I think it is how you go about looking at it. Hope....hope that he can find his way out of the fog. Your marriage is over until he can do that. So, Plan B for YOURSELF. You need to shore up strength and fortify yourself for your children. You cannot hope that he will change his ways. That is not what is going to happen. Hope that while you are in Plan B, that he will have a break in the fog to "realize" the mess he has created. BUT, DON'T PLAN ON THAT HAPPENING. It may never happen. It may take 5 years after the divorce is final. Either way, you are heathy and so are your children. You can't make him choose you. You can't make him love you more. Please stop thinking that you can wish that to happen. You are hurting yourself more and more. You REALLY need to Plan B, NOW!!!!!!

You said that perfectly "his heart is not with me anymore" and it has not been for over a very long time. Like you I plan A or C way too long...I made his life easy. While he vacationed with the OW. I am just sad. I can not wish my life away with him. I am done, just wrapping my head with the finality of all.

Thanks for your input. Makes total sense

Hey there mason. I almost went to edit that to take that out. It is a harsh thing to say to someone. I am so glad that you took it like I meant it.

Mason, my heart is with you right now. I am exactly where you are. The toughest part is knowing that what you are going to do next is separate your family for good. I say separate instead of break your family up because your husband has ALREADY broken your family up. He did that a long time ago. I, like you, didn't see it that way. I had hope that he would choose me/us. That is wasted energy. Is is choosing EXACTLY what he wants to choose. It is a very tough thing to accept that he is choosing someone else over the person he made a covenant/promise to, and his family!! I just can't wrap my head around how he could do that. BUT HE DID. So, we have to stand up for ourselves and our children and draw a higher line of what we will accept in our lives and not!

You are worth more than this mason. I lowered my standards and expectations to "save" my marriage. All I did was let him get away with his selfish behavior at MINE and MY CHILDREN's expense. I now see that!! I hope you can too. You and your children deserve better. They deserve a complete, invested father and family man who LOVES AND RESPECTS their mother!!!! That creates the security structure they need. Our children do not have that. They have selfish fathers who have essentially abandoned them to live their secret second lives.

I know you are sad. You will be for quite a long time. NOW GET MAD!!!!! GET MAD that he has done this. Be respectful, but get mad enough to say NO MORE!!!! This is not what I agreed to!!! This is not a life I will put up with anymore!!! I do not want to go down this path with you anymore!!! Go!!!

I am so grateful that I have finally gotten there. I am still an emotional wreck, fighting the inevitable just wasted all my time and energy. I am emotionally a little better and not as paralyzed with fear for just accepting it the way it is, and not fighting it hoping that he would do what I wished.

I know, thank you. I know you are right. I believed everything he said to me. That he was going to find a new job and start coming back. He told me what I needed to here to keep his life easy. I love my boys so much and I have protected them the best I could. I thought it was good for them to see him more.

What a joke, fell for it again. I was so lonely and missed his company. No more, I will be going from sad to mad hopefully sooner than later. I will not co-parent with him.

Tomorrow I will have the boys waiting outside for him.

I am thankful that you still have some strength after the emotional roller coaster you have been on. The best way to get clear minded is to Plan B now. Get an IM. You don't need to "hear" his voice, or anything from your WH!!! You will have to set a visitation schedule, work out finances, etc... That can go through your attornies, court appointed mediator, IM etc... The sooner you separate yourself from ANYTHING your WH, you will begin to heal.

Does he honk, then the boys run out? They don't wait for him down at the end of the drive way do they?

At this point, it is your husband choosing another life over spending time with his own children. Please, don't you worry about the time your boys spend with their father. He is doing exactly what he want to do. He can deal with the consequences of not choosing his family.

No, it wil be on the porch. This is the first wknd we are splitting them up.... funny we were sharing our wknds with the kids. Which is why I thought we were recovering. I am also sad about every other wknd. I wish I could just keep them all of the time.

Hey. It will work itself out. They will need to spend some time with their dad. Others that I know that are divorces and sharing custody tell me that you do start to enjoy the little time you have to yourself when they are at their dad's. It is a good idea for each of you to have one-on-one time with your children, but if you do it this way, you will never have a your own time. I don't know anyone who splits their children up like that. But, that might just work perfectly for you. Just don't underestimate needing time to yourself.

I know, I am still in a place where I do not like to be alone. After two years of this, I need to be done and never speak to him again. I am lucky to have family and friends close by. I would think when I had not seen a friend in awhile ---my story has not changed....still stringing me along. I do not think I woudl know what a good relationship looked like if it slapped me in the face. It is nice maybe to have something to look forward to, to meet someone that treats you well and makes you feel safe. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop... Well it did and I need to move on... Funny looking at your timeline it matches with mine. My life blew up in Aug. 2010. Too much time has passed.

Mason, how will the exchanges go exactly? And how will it be for the return?

I feel the same embarassment. How long we have let this go on!!!! At some point, people expect you to take action. We have waited toooooooo long. We didn't help our marriages by waiting and hoping for this long. We should have taken action back in 2010. Maybe they would have still been close enough for us to save our marriages. But, letting them continue, now they are too used to their selfish ways. You never know, but after 2 years, it usually won't turn around. Anyway, we have to be the ones that change our stories!!! I also was always holding my breath waiting for the next hurt, verbal criticism, discovery of deception, etc... to sideline me.

I am with you on what a good relationship would look like. There are times when I am talking to others and they say, their husband did this for them, their husband did that for them, their husband stepped in here, their husband did this for the kids, their husband treats them with respect, "My husband would NEVER say that to me", their husband, etc..., and I am just,
like, really? Asking myself, "Is that what I should expect?"

We have grown used to our husbands not being good husbands. Whether we lovebusted or did something to make them withdraw or not, at this point, isn't as important as the choices they made to handle the issues by turning outside of our marriages. These choices then made it impossible for us to overcome our issues.

Our stories do have a lot in common. We both need to move on for ourselves and our children.

And do you have an IM? IM Training School

I will have the boys waiting on the front porch, with me close by... I have been on Dr. Haley's radio show and he had told me this was fine. How could I have been so stupid for so long... I have let him cake eat for a year. Still feel sick to my stomach this morning. I wish I took his advice when I was on the show. I made his life soooo easy while I took care of everything. I gave him plenty of time to plan his next trip with her. He will never step foot in this house again.

Good morning mason. That sounds like a great plan with your children's pick-up and drop-off. It works and they are safe.

On another note, I look back at why I didn't take all the wonderful advice I was given last year when I first came to MB, and a have many emotions. After working through feeling like an idiot, being weak, etc..., I am finally at a more comfortable understanding that I wasn't ready. I wasn't completely sure that splitting my family up was the thing to do. I may have taken too long, but I am comfortable now knowing that the choices I make are the BEST choices for myself and my children. When I have the "I should have taken action earlier b/c maybe it would have saved my marriage" thoughts, I remind myelf that I didn't for the reasons I didnt/couldn't and that we are where we are now. I am very sad that he didn't want better for us and for our family, but then I also realize that he is only thinking of himself in all of this, so that tells me that I am making the right decisions now.

I hope you don't mind my telling you these things. These are the types of things that when I read them, they really help me wrap my brain around my situation and in some ways give me strength.

I will check back later. Have a good day now!!!!