They act like we (BS) did "them" wrong. - That is quite right from their point of a foggy view. I remember I was angry to my BH because he "messed things up" for me. I couldn't carry on my affair because of him. Looking at it now makes me feel very embarrassed about myself, but this was how I felt during that time.

they are lovebusting trying to empty your LB so that you will let them do what they want because you (hopefully in their sad little minds) don't care anymore. they push you away in this manner to free themselves of their guilt and responsibilities, because after all, it's your fault, you pushed them away! they, of course, take no responsibility for their part in this process.

What about anger that borders on hate?

there's no difference in the fog.

Thank you for the insightful posts so far, this really helps BS come to terms/understand why WS are so angry and behave the way the do.


Thanks to FWS its really good to hear how you viewed things whilst foggy. Maybe you can clarify: Anger is a tool used for control/to get what WS wants and to bait/demonise BS to ease their guilt. Foggy babble justifies the affair.....

Do waywards during the A realise their perception of BS is false or do they really begin to believe what they say, if they say it often enough? If they can't/won't see that its false do they realise when the A ends and they come out of the fog?

Markos: Thanks, this personally helped me. "this discussion where you confront me about the things I am doing that are hurting you is making me uncomfortable. I will react to that by getting frustrated and angry and blaming you. Hopefully that will make this discussion stop because you will then feel that you are to blame or you will not want to face the punishment I am doling out in my anger." .... this puts into perspective situations where I inititated discussions about the family particulary the children's pain, resulting in the blame being transferred to me.

Aphelion: Thanks for pointing out about EN's, my WH told me I "had to truely understand it was not that his EN were not met." Confirms any marriage that is not affair proofed is vulnerable and confirms WH anger is all about avoiding responsibility of his actions and facing his guilt.

What is IM?

Intermediary - a go-between

I also think part of the anger stems from an unknowing addiction to adrenaline. Coupled with the habit of it always working in the past to achieve what they want .. this creates neuro pathways that continue to trigger that reaction. A default habitual reaction. Something that can and should be curbed and diffused.

Reminds me of a episode of modern family .. where Jay and Gloria have this guy come into their home... he has this marketing idea for pet dogs .. good doggy and bad doggy treats. WHen the dog was good it would get a good doggy treat .. and when the dog was bad it would get a bad doggy treat lol... of course the bad doggy treat would reinforce the unwanted behaviour.

Just thought I would throw that in here.

MNG

This post has been enlightening to me. My WH is so angry at me. He is desparate to try and get the OW back after I told her we were not in the divorce process and he has been cheating on her with me. My life is a bad Lifetime movie.

Well said!

I would also add from my experience as a BS:

Having completely reinvented the BS in their own mind as an ax murderer or the like to justify their own behavior to themselves, the BS then goes on to justify their behavior by attempting to convince friends & family members that the BS really is an ax murderer...

Even after the affair is dead, the BS may remain convinced their newly-created caricature of their BS as an ax murderer is real. Consequently, the WS may be highly reluctant to get on board with repairing the marriage. After all, who wants to stay married to an ax murderer?

Does this false or fabricated view of the BS typically fade and if so how long does it usually take?

Is there a good way for the BS to proactively address this problem?

It does away when all contact with her affair partner ends.


Yes. He can do everything in his power to kill the affair and burst the fantasy, such as exposing the affair wide and far. Another important thing to do is to confront the OM and run him off. That seems to clear up much of the fog.

As an Adulterous wife, I would like to comment. In my experience,most of my anger has to do with myself and the guilt and pain I feel. It really isn't anything my husband is or isn't doing.
I love (I know, fog speaking) my boyfriend very much and I am angry that I cannot be with him.
I am angry that my kids are hurting, I am angry that my husband is hurting, and I am terrified of making a choice that I will regret forever.
The anger is just a cover story for guilt, shame and wanting something that is not mine to have.
I am an addict.

fifteenyears, regarding the early fights you refer to above, did they occur early in the R process or do you mean even earlier than that?

Also how long did it take you to realize that you were blameshifing or avoiding your own responsibility for the A?

What is PB?

Plan B. In Plan B, a betrayed spouse does not see or talk to the wayward spouse. The conditions to recover the marriage are iterated in a letter and then the betrayed spouse "goes dark". All necessary communication is through an intermediary, who filters out unnecessary communication and relays only factual information related to childcare, finances, etc.

Plan B is intended for the betrayed spouse to retain their health, as well as protect their love bank from massive withdrawals from the wayward spouse. You can read more about Plan B here on the site.

AM

AM