I did do Plan B for about 5 months. He hated it, but I think it also gave hime the freedom to let his affair thrive. So when we started legal action last June, we stopped and said do we really want this. I thought those were his actions of not wanting the divorce. and I know I did not want it. I would look at my boys and cry...So we started slowly seeing each other and I was duped into thinking they broke up. I was not ready, but are you ever? Now he has no one. It was like exposure all over for him because he continued his lying and deceit. Now I need to get in protective mode and work with my attorney.

I am scared financially and still feel sick every morning. But then I think, what's changed? His behavior never changed. He remained the most selfish human being on earth.

I feel the same things as you. I look back and see that if he wanted to work it out like he "said" he did, then he would have!!! He didn't mean the words. He just wanted to pacify me so he could go back to living his secret second life with fewer problems from me. I worked hard at changing everything. He worked at nothing except hiding his actions better. You are right, are you ever ready to divorce your H when deep down you hope and pray that he would turn it all around? It is one of the worst situations I have ever been in. He will have to live with the consequences of his behavior. We shouldn't have to. Our children shouldn't have to. My kids are older than yours, and believe me, it hurts them more and more to remain in it. Focus on creating the family unit that your children need. That helps me anyway.

My biggest worry now is the financial one. Going back to work at some point is a necessity. I want to wait a bit so everything doesn't change for the children at once. But, I don't think I will be able to wait too long for that. You can work it all out. It will just take a little time.

He isn't going to change, not right now anyway. I know that most people have to have something so painful happen, hit rock bottom, lose everything to have a fog free moment of, "What am I doing?" But, sadly some don't even get it then. Don't hold your breath b/c you won't be LIVING. Live for yourself and live for your children. He isn't considering anyone but himself. Please remember that you gave him chance after chance. His actions showed you what he really wants. It is not what you want or what is in the best interest of your family.

So, DON'T care that he didn't like Plan B. Why would he? He liked eating cake!!! Now, YOU have to take control of your life and do what is best for you and the children. You CAN do this.

Okay, how will you know that your WH is there?

And when your WH return with the boys, how will you know they are home?

You will change your numbers, and email addresses, etc, so your WH has no way to contact you right? And you will also have an IM to communicate things right?

I will look out the window and see his car. We did this last time in Plan B- Like I said Dr. Harley said it was fine when I was on the radio show. It is the best I do right now. Our finances are separate and he has to continue to pay what he is until we have a settlement. The lawyers can handle all of that. I feel like a fool, not setting my boundaries high.

But my only good thought at the moment is I do not have to wonder about where he is what he is doing, Is he lying? I just need to worry about me. My goodness what wasted energy.

I hope I can heal faster than I did before. I want to be happy and feel like myself again.

Yeah prolly cuz Dr H was in on it, he got serious but not really.

It's up to him to do what he needs to do for recovery, and you will be fine with or without him

That's the plan right? To be ok?

So listen up and follow the MB plan to the letter ok?

It is possible and now nessesary Mason

I am in complete protection mode.... My husband never spoke with Dr. Harley...just wish I took his advice. At that point I was out of Plan B and he told me to get back in it. I just wish I had listened. I know I will be fine, it will take time. Ijust so wish I did not have kids with him.

Would have been divorced a long time ago.

Thank you for all of the advice and encouragement. Two years, my goodness, what a waste.

Mason, I KNOW personally that looking out the window and seeing the vehicle can be a HUGE trigger. When you get even slightly triggered, you crave more contact. Adrenaline also pumps through your body.

And, you still didn't answer, how will he drop them back off? Can you control not even seeing him? Is there any way you could drop them off at a neighbours, or a friend or family's house and have him drop them off there as well? Are they still only 5 and 2? or have you not updated your siggy?

My boys are older, so what they do is have WH call when he arrives, THEY answer the phone, and then they go out onto the porch and close the door, then the open the porch door(I have an enclosed porch). My DS12 then locks the porch door. That leaves me with TWO doors between WH and I. When they return, my WH says his good-byes, etc at the sidewalk, and the boys wait until WH drives to the corner before my DS12 unlocks the porch door. Then they knock on the inside door, and I let them in. There were a few times, in the beginning of my Plan B, when I looked outside. That was a mistake, and one which could have been avoided if I had the exchanges take place somewhere else. it works now, since I no longer get tempted to look outside. Heck, most times, I'm in the bathroom getting ready for work when the kids yell "Bye".

Pick Up and drop off went ok this wknd. He was already back in the car when my 3 year old was banging on the door.

I am really sad today. I guess it will come and go for awhile now. I just do not feel well. Very weepy.

Maybe I want an answer or a reason, but I know there is none. I could be in withdrawel from him, do not know...

Hopeless.

Did you get a peek at him when he dropped the kids off?

Those cracks can really do a number on you. It will get better if you can putty up those cracks.

I know Dr. H said it should be fine, but maybe for your your own health you should do the drop offs somewhere else?

It was ok, I did not really see him. He pulls up right to the curb, I will not let him in the driveway. I do have an urge to call him and just ask him why??? Believe me I will not, because there is no answer.'

He needs help, needs to leave his job, needs to change his lifestyle, get his house in order and make his children a priority. I never saw any of this....Just saw what I wanted to see and beleive.

Well talking to a wayward will make you crazy. Unless you know how to talk alien?

Plan B is for you now.

What can you do for yourself today? Can you get a pedi, manicure a massage?

Have you looked into ADs?

How is your support system IRL?

I have been on AD's for almost two years when he was gaslighting me, they help. I work at home so it can be isolating at times. I took Friday off and took my boys swimming so I would not be alone. My support system is ok, everyone just wants me to move on... It is hard, still love him (who he was) and if he got his act as I stated above maybe we could recover.

But, not now. I am sad my boys have him for a father.

I read the entire false recovery thread yesterday, the stories are all so similar, including my own. BS's just want to beleive so badly that the person they were is back without the proof.

Good morning Mason. I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. Just hold tight. You will make it through this time of withdrawal. Remember, he is NOT being a husband to you. You don't want the life that he expects you to accept so he can stay. Don't ever forget that!! Just be strong. As you make it through this time, begin to look at what your life could be like without him and the issues he brings in it!! What makes you happy? What are your hobbies? Start thinking of the routine you are going to have to get in. Paint a room. Pick an interest and sign up for it!! Start blue printing what you want to create for your life. You have spent years being tossed about with no real investment in developing yourself. Now you can. Use this time to find some anger in your H's selfishness and go pick weeds and work in your front yard. Plant some new bushes and work on the landscape. Just ideas... DON'T sit around today being sad!!! I know that is a hard idea right now, but you don't want the depression to get stronger. Just get up and work in the yard, go for a walk. Get the endorphins going. Then, go to the store. Go to the book store, get a drink and look through books. Pick a hobby book......... Please don't just sit around for long. Give yourself 15 minutes to cry it out, then shake it off if you can.

Mason, it will get better. Just ensure that you don't see even his car, that's why I asked if you could arrange for something else? Maybe someone else can be there instead of you?

Stick to a PB and you will be much better.

You are so right. I have to get back to me. It is hard and I get scared. I am usually ok when the kids are around. I was better yesterday. Just having a tough time today. I almost called my MIL. decided against it. that would be another crack to fall through. I have to stop being sad and be angry. Stages of grief.

Mason, just to let you know I'm thinking of you. I felt very weepy and down yesterday but managed to get out of the house (went walking for a couple of hours with a friend). This helped and I will also use some of Littlebit3's ideas.

Most of the time I manage but whenever my WH comes to collect our son my stomach churns. This is even though I don't have to see the car as my son is old enough to go outside on his own.

My stomach gets sick too...I know this will get better. I never wanted the label of being divorced. Just held on to the hope he would come back. I have therapy today so that usually makes me feel better. I am definetly in withdrawal from him, from the crumbs he was throwing at me. Sad, when you know you deserve better.

Sorry, I just want to make sure. You sent him a letter, and have an IM right? You're in a true Plan B?

Mason, you do deserve better and I know I do too. Some people might think we are weak for hanging in so long but I think it shows just how much we can love. I never wanted to be divorced either - I married in church at the age of 24 and truly believed in the vows I took.

Its hard not to get cynical when something like this happens but I believe if we do end up divorced, there will eventually be someone better for us out there (but it will be a LONG time before I think about that!)

I will be reading your posts and thinking of you and your children.

I am in the best Plan B I can be in....I did not bother to send him a letter. I have no one to be an IM yet, my sister did it last time and no one wants to deal with him. When he calls to talk to the boys I leave the room and then hang up when they are done. Like I said our finances are already separate and the attnys will handle everything else. He knows after many discussion what it would take to come back.
I know after all of the abuse I have to divorce him. Therapy today helped. I think what set me off this morning was that my 3 year old said he missed Daddy.

Thanks for the support, it helps!

This will get better, I hope.