My needs on the other hand were met only partially, but that is a different story...

Sorry, dude, a marriage only exists as one story, as I found out. Obviously probably too late to have a palliative effect on your current union, if you take the effort to immerse yourself in the MB program, you will see that the spiral spins both ways. A couple each paying heed to tending to the other's ENs will concatenate the benefits, and RAISE the level of attention and affection. Conversely, one or both spouse failing to satisfy the other's needs will foment reciprocal dis-engagement from the other, and the mutual level of attachment will ratchet down.

Do NOT underestimate your own subliminal awareness of WW's not tending to your needs as a proximate cause of your not tending to hers. The only question in such a case is whose needs will be dire enough to cause the inadequately built and maintained boundaries to infidelity to be breached.

In NO WAY is this placing blame on you for WW's actions. I just wanted to point out that in the future, you would have significant control over the possibility of a future partner remaining faithful. It's not too early to get with the program.

I now understand that she was the more vulnerable one to cross boundaries. We've had many discussions about the fact that I was not meeting her needs....needs of passion or what she called "showing that you love me".

I guess I changed from a passionate, romantic guy over the years to one that is comfortable & boring. Her mom is right...I'm not as outgoing as my WW..... But I do think I am loving. Her mom is wrong to say her daughter is more loving than I.....how can you be more loving when you have ruined a relationship this way....a way that is one of the most traumatic situations anyone can go thru.

I am still not living in our house. I have moved all my belongings out. I could not stay there & be around the lie anymore. I've allowed her to stay in our home because I care about her.....and maybe...just maybe....I am loving as well.
Oh well, they can't see that. I am the bad guy b/c I exposed this secret and that I sent the transcript to her mom in order to hurt her..???? My question to them is, what was hurtful....me sending it to them...or the actual contents of the transcript..?..?

Part of me feels that her mom is just trying to keep a dialogue with WW so that she won't shut her out. But my WW does this sort of thing...like a child's temper tantrum....agree with me or else feel my wrath!!
Her mom folded on me like badly stacked cards. She went from chastising WW to saying it is ok...that I am a bad guy.

I did go by the house this past Thursday to let a property appraiser look around. The house was unkept....dishes in the sink, dirty dishes & beer bottles by the sofa & upstairs by the bed she sleeps in.

In letting the property appraiser guy look around...I had to first check out the room she sleeps in. To my surprise, I find a vibrator on the floor by the bed....and a mirror placed between the bed & the adjacent wall. I had to cover this up as best I could. I guess she has been using her smart phone to video call this guy while she plays with herself. Now I know why the mirror is by the bed.

This morning I snoop & find that he has emailed pics of his privates to her.

These past 2 weeks have felt like 2 months....everything is in slow motion.

I feel like a cuckold....like less of a man....
Why oh why is my wife doing this...I understand the need for admiration part, but why the sexual stuff....



More Background....
Last year we decided we would try to have a child, but got frustrated with no results. My wife was examined & it was found that she is suffering from acute endometriosis. The doctor went on to say that since the condition she has can be pre-cancerous, she will eventually have to have a hysterectomy. She had a surgery to rid herself of as much of the endometriosis as possible. After a few months of healing, we knew we were going to have to consult a fertility specialist.

So, we consult a fertility doctor & start on program of IVF (invitro fert). It takes a while for the drugs to work to get her system to produce eggs. Back in January of this year, the big moment has arrived...we go to see if the hormone treatment has worked in producing viable eggs for us to use.

To our horror, the doctor tells us that my wife does not have enough eggs to make it worth while...that IVF will not work for us but that there were other options. My wife of course, was devastated...she cried & cried. I tried to be as consoling as I could. But I knew we could either try donor eggs or adoption. My wife was against having a donor egg, b/c she felt she would still know that the child wasn't hers biologically. It hurt me to hear this from her....as if since she didnt get her way she intended to have a baby...then there would be no other option.

She had heard that taking a supplement could help with her egg production, but the doctor said it wouldn't help. She started taking this supplement anyway from January to about April I suppose. The idea was that we could try IVF again in June & hopefully the supplement would have helped.

June came & went...by this time, she was already acting distant to me. Of course, now I know why....she was already engulfed in this cyber affair since early/mid May.

I have to wonder if learning that she can't have a child by IVF, got her to thinking about life....that being with me just isn't that great for her future. How can you go from wanting to have a child...to here..wanting to leave & getting involved in an cyber affair.

I was prepared to do what it took for us to have a child. Maybe if she would have gotten pregnant, then we wouldnt be going thru this mess now....


The last text between me & my WW was Sunday. We haven't communicated in almost a week. Her last text was how it was inexcusable for me to let her brother know the details of her cybersex transcript.

I know her mom is supposed to visit her tomorrow to help clean the house.

Should I even try to communicate with her at all?

Forward them to her mother and brother, ha ha.


Maybe in having her served, but, otherwise, I'd be glad that you found out about her before y'all had kids.

Divorce, divide the property and learn what not to look for in a wife next time.

[/quote]
Divorce, divide the property and learn what not to look for in a wife next time. [/quote]


I did talk to a lawyer on Wednesday. She told me that we do not want to go the traditional route & fight for money/stuff...that we should have an binding agreement written up that we can both agree on. Noncontested is the way for us. I just don't want to spend money on lawyers for this to be over for me.
I would also rather not divide up my money nor any of my stuff. (We don't have joint bank accounts.)

I plan on telling her that I will get a legally binding agreement made that will get this all over with as soon as possible. The only thing that we need to agree on is how the mortgage is to be taken care of.

My plan is for me to live in the house until we can sell it, and for my WW to sent me payment each month to help pay for the mortgage ($400-500 monthly) until that time. We can keep our own money. But we can split our IRS refund & split the IVF refund (approx $7500). She can have the tv, furniture, bed, food, etc.

What a nightmare this has all been......went from wanting to have a child (by an extreme method) to my wife cybersexting a guy she met online that lives near Chicago.
I will never forget this event in my life...I hope she doesn't either.

Kick her out for goodness sake!

She's commiting adultery from your marital bed and ruining any chances of a sale with her pig pen lifestyle.

What does she have to do before you step up here?

I don't care about her complaints about how loving you were/are/is. That's nonsense spoken by a skank.

You care so much about being viewed as the nice guy you've entered Plan Doormat.

Its not nice to smile, sit back and allow evil to spread

Stand up.

Make sure this is filed with the divorce agreement.

Please tell me you're documenting all of this?
DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

I see your point....I appreciate the truth.

I have to admit, I've been on a rollercoaster....sometimes I am mad about having to go thru this garbage & then sometimes I am sad that an 8 year relationship is being destroyed.

Part of me is sad that I have to start over again in my love life...

On the other hand, my family once in awhile hits me across the head...they say "do you think ____ would put up with this situation...do you think they would go back to someone like her..you know the answer." They would fill in the blank with everyone that I know.

And they are right, I don't know anyone that would accept that what has happened is ok or something you want to live in for the rest of your life.

I admit, I have been punishing myself with the 'what-ifs'...

I had a saying that came from a song that I used to say all the time to other people...
"You have to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything."
I guess its time for to follow my own saying.

Yes I have all her texts to me.
I have the emails as well
I guess I should write them down...oh man, I think I might get a family member to do this...I don't really want to read them again.

Should I even try to communicate with her at all?

Absolutely!

And in the following fashion:

{Sound of front door flying open} "Hi, snookums! I'm HOME! To STAY! IN MY [censored] HOUSE!"

Then walk into YOUR bedroom, break the mirror, and kick Mr BuzzBomb into the corner.

But you won't do that, will you?

Stop doing that. GO HOME. If she doesn't like you being in your home, then SHE needs to leave. Not YOU.

Nope I can't do this....yet.

The lawyer said to avoid anything that would make her mad...
I am trying to keep the eventual D as simple as possible.
I do not want to get lawyers involved, it will cost me so much.
I could lose 1/2 my retirement, 1/2 my bank account, etc.


Yeah I would like to break the mirror....or at least remove the batteries out of the vibrator.

What a sick woman.....video calling herself masturbating to a guy up who is 1,000 miles away. What a sick world...

And she can tell him that she loves him....

Friend, you are GOING to lose 1/2 your retirement in a divorce anyway. Do you not understand this? Your wife is entitled to half of your 'estate'. And she'll get it.

End the affair. GO HOME. NOW.

Sorry to tell you, but she has a better chance of getting half if not more of all that if you don't fight. Your lawyer wants his job to be easy.
She's going to get half anyway.
The Fantasy of Divorce

The lawyer said that I can write up a binding agreement, then we won't have to make it complicated by dividing stuff up. If we file with a lawyer, the retainer itself is btwn $3,000 - 5,000.

She has mentioned in a previous text to me about us being amicable.

I have noticed though, that she is taking all this very well.
She has gone to a Bonefish to eat, gone to a few massages, bought nearly $200 of stuff at Target, etc.

You need a meaner lawyer in your corner, friend. Don't let her take you to the cleaners because SHE screwed around on YOU.

Here is what I had to see in my house...
it hurt me to see this

http://postimage.org/image/qvihq0ovd/

Farmer, that's an unmade bed. What am I missing?

Well, it sounds like you have one helluva plan for divorce, but do you have any other plan in mind? If not, then why are you here?

And, yeah, what maritalbliss said, it looks like my bed. (Well it doesn't look exactly like that. I have really nice sheets).

What's your point?

He found a vib on the floor and the mirror was for a video.