I will try to keep my post brief although my story is a typical long one.

I found out in Oct 2011 that my husband was having an affair (before I found marriage builders) and asked him to leave, wanting time to think. I now realise this was stupid but it was not his first affair and we had been in false recovery for 10 years as he hadn't told me the truth about his serial cheating.

For the sake of our 3 children I wanted to at least try to repair our marriage so I followed plan A and then B. But this was totally thrown when my dad died in January this year. And the situation led to another false recovery.

My counsellor has encouraged me to try to co-parent amicably with my husband but due to the enormous stress this year (both my parents are dead and I dont have family where I live) I cant do it.

I want to tell my husband that enough is enough and that though I would prefer to recover our marriage, the alternative is that I will go no contact for life with him. My 13 year old daughter in particular has taken the separation hard and mostly will not see her dad.

After 9 months of messing things up is it even worth me doing a plan B letter? I would like to read the letter to my husband as I want him to know I'm so serious about this.

I do know he loves his children but in his words he thought he could have it all (and still does).

Jay67, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons you are here.

Plan B should be initiated with a love letter giving him a path back. It would not be a good idea to read it to him because when you shut that door, the last thing he should remember are good feelings. If the last thing he remembers is you fighting over shutting the door, it will leave a bad taste in his mouth and YOURS. That is a needless fight can easily be avoided.

The best way to do it is to change the locks and MAIL him the letter. He should not be able to get through to you after he receives the letter. If he is able to get through, he will know you are not serious and it will ruin your credibility.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I would get that ASAP and in the meantime, go read this thread about Plan B: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

And it is real important that you expose his affair. Everyone should know all about it, your families, children, any spouses of his OW, everyone. Affairs thrive on secrecy so getting this out in the open will help your husband learn his lesson.

I want to APPLAUD you for that excellent post! It was concise and to the point. It was easy to understand your situation.

co-parenting is horrible in these situations and actually impairs your ability to be a good parent. Being "amicable" is the pipe dream of lazy divorce court bureaucrats and is not good for the parents or the children. Many courts and psychologists recommend "parallel parenting" which is linked on the Plan B thread I gave you.

Hi Melody

Thank you so much for posting, your words really help me as well as so many others. I feel that I have been weak with my husband for so many years and reading things you have posted, together with Scotland and Indie help me feel I can be tougher no matter what the outcome for our marriage.

I have read Surviving the Affair as well as other books like 'Love must be tough' and Boundaries. I've not had boundaries as I've been so busy trying to keep everyone happy and fixing things.

I did expose the affair but was somewhat disappointed in the lack of response to it (I've seen no evidence that my husband/the affair was put under any pressure due to exposure).

My eldest daughter that I supported during her unexpected pregnancy has even met the other woman which has hurt me a lot.

Jay, when you exposed did you ask them to use their influence to persuade your H to end his affair? That seems to work best, when you ask for assistance.

Also, did you expose to the OW's family and friends? They should all know she is doing a married man.

And shame, shame on your daughter! I can imagine your heart is broken. I hope you told her how disappointed you are.

I did expose by letter to the OW's parents and the few friends I could find of hers on facebook.

I regret that I did not ask my mother in law for help in saving our marriage. I have not seen her now for several months and sadly I'm not sure she would help even for the sake of her grandchildren. She was the second wife of my husbands father and I have a suspicion that it was a marriage after an affair, although I dont know this for sure.

You are right that for many reasons this year my heart has been broken. My daughter thought that things were ok between us but this week I have finally told her that as far as I am concerned they are not.

I have been drifting along for months in plan C and as many other posters have been advised it isn't a good plan for anyone. I will take action now and thanks again.

Jay, you will get lots of help here. I would start working on your plan, writing your letter, etc. Post here and we will help you formulate your plan and give you feedback on your letter. Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair? If not, I can post the letter.

Yes I do have the book and will read it again and start drafting a letter.

I think my husband could be described as a 'cake eater'. He doesn't love me but wants my help when it suits him - for instance he wants to still see our 13 year old daughter but she doesn't want to see him. I admire the principled way in which she had demonstrated her anger with his behaviour. However he wants the two of us to sit down and talk to her because he thinks this will help him see her and he's also worried about her school work which has suffered.

I know I am not responsible for the affairs but I do know that I contributed to the problems in our marriage - love busters and not meeting his emotional needs. I did try but was too focused on our children.

Should I plan A my husband again for a week or two so that he has good memories before I plan B or should I just go straight to plan B?

Jay, I don't give this much hope to be honest, but there is always hope. I would be as pleasant as possible while you get your Plan B prepared. And I would change up the Plan B letter somewhat because I don't believe you did anything to harm the marriage since he is a serial cheater. He is a serial cheater because cheating is a way of life for him. So, if you want to, I would put in the conditions that he agree to make radical changes in his lifestyle.

Do you have a good candidate for an intermediary? And I would also consider filing for divorce so you are legally protected. You don't have to delay Plan B but make sure your finances are in order before you shut that door.

It is also a good idea to change the locks on your house. When he sees you are serious about no contact, he may try to barge in. He won't like losing control of you.

Truthfully, I dont hold out much hope either. But I will have offered him the possibility of recovery so I can look at myself in the mirror and know I did the best I could for our children.

I see the value of plan B for personal recovery and that is what I want too as this whole situation has affected my ability to be a good parent.

I need some peace in my life away from his dramas. I will be ok whichever way it goes.

I know this is a stupid question but if he has been a serial cheater with me is it likely he will be with his OW and future partners?

OH YES! That is not a stupid question at all.

That isn't a stupid question. Yes, he will be unable to sustain a healthy relationship with women. He obviously doesn't know how to do that.

Jay, listen to this radio clip of Dr Harley talking about affair marriages: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2233

In addition here are some more.

Affairage radio clips
Affairages: A Must Read Dr. Harley Posts Himself

Also instead of co-parenting (if this is the route you have to take) you should do parallel parenting.

Parallel Parenting

Thanks, Brainhurts!

As always, you're welcome.

I would ask for some more information, if you don't mind.

- You discovered (hard) evidence of the A in October 2011. You asked WH to leave; he did.

- You performed a weak exposure (when?) with little positive response.

- In July 2012 you have decided to bring it all to an end.

Kind of a big gap there, my friend.

What efforts have you performed to end the affair? Is WH still out of the family home? If so, where? With OW? Does he return at all - get his mail, whatever?

Are you independently employed? What became of DD17's pregnancy?

Are you and WH cooperating financially? Familially? Are you able to stay informed of his activities?

And the killer - What makes you decide on decisive action in July that was not in effect in June, or May?