Thanks all, I will listen to the clips later. I just typed out a long reply to NeverGuessed and just lost it so this reply will be brief and to the point!!!

I work and together with some savings that we have, I've supported our children since WH left. Im in the UK so got the Child Support Agency to tell us how much WH has to pay for our children - I've had a letter finally this week about that. Financially WH is going to struggle big time.

OW lives 50 miles away but WH rents a flat near where we live (so he gets to visit her and has best of both worlds). OW married and divorced twice and was dating prior to divorce, then took up with WH knowing he was married with 3 children.

WH is out of our family home still but comes to pick up our 8 year old son (13 year old daughter will not see him normally). He does speak to me on the phone or text/email me - over the past month I've only talked to him about issues concerned with the children.

My eldest daughter and her partner were living with me but our house was overcrowded. She had a daughter in March and moved out with her partner two months ago.

I don't know much of what WH is doing but don't think he's going to where OW lives as much as he was. OW has two children aged 12 and 5 and WH told me once that he found it hard to be with her kids as he misses his own so much.

I know there is a lot of time between Oct 2011 and that my exposure wasn't as good as it would have been had I known the MB way then. I didn't initially know anything about OW. I had no hard proof of the affair in Oct 2011, just a gut instinct that I challenged my WH about. Turns out we had been in a 10 year false recovery from previous affairs he hadnt told the truth about (how I wish I found MB then).

You may wonder why I even want to work on this wreckage of a marriage. Its because I love my children and have seen what divorce does to them, I believe in the vows I took before God, I believe Dr Harley that if you follow the narrow path of recovery romantic love can be restored. I know it would be extremely difficult in our circumstances but our children are worth it.

I know I haven't taken the right actions in the last months but the loss of my dad in January was so tough for me as I live 80 miles from my home town and he was my only close relative as well as being my rock. I miss him so much. Add to this my 17 year old daughter having an unplanned baby in March as well as the shock of my husbands lies and you can get some idea of my state of mind. I've been seeing a counsellor since January as I know I was a 'fixer' in life, always willing to take my share of the blame and more for problems. It was a co-dependent marriage but hard as it is to belive, I still have some love remaining for my WH. We've been through a lot over our 23 years together and I know he loves our children too.

So Jay what is your plan now?

Does your WH want to come back to the Marriage and will end all contact for life with OW?

There are a couple of questions I didn't answer properly.

I tried to end the affair with exposure, plan A and plan B. I eventually broke plan B because my children seemed to be suffering and on the guidance of my counsellor (which I now realise was a mistake). I'm not seeing the counsellor anymore. It took quite a bit of research to find out about OW but I traced her address and her parents and exposed affair to her parents in March. There was absolutely no response to this (not even anger from WH) so don't know if it had any effect.

What makes me want to take decisive action now is the fact that i realise my emotional health has suffered greatly and I cant take any more. Children's behaviour and work at school has all gone downhill and is getting worse over the months not better.

Neither WH nor I have filed for divorce, we have just been living in limbo. I now see that for my own sanity I have to go no contact for life with him if he still does not want to recover our marriage. He is very indecisive in life generally anyway but has been much worse since he left.

Thats the key question Brain Hurts, I don't know what he wants or is willing to do. In January after my dad died he said he wanted to make the marriage work but could not/would not break it off with OW.

I want to give him one final chance before I go to plan B for life and divorce (and it has been so hard for me to get to the point of this decision). But was not sure whether to try to talk to him to tell him this or do a plan B letter. MelodyLane's guidance is to get ready for plan B and then do letter so that is the route I will take.

Other problem is that of intermediary - last time it was my sister but it was tough on her and don't think I can ask again. I will have to think of who I can ask that will implement things properly.

I agree with Mel and I would prepare for Plan B. The reason your WH is Indecisive is because he has been allowed to cake eat for the past 8+ months and so I agree that you need to protect yourself.

I'm surprised your health has lasted this long. Dr. Harley only advises BW to be in Plan A for 3 weeks if the affair hasn't ended because of the effects on the BW's health.

So you have this How To Plan B Properly

You are so right I have let him be indecisive. Before he died my dad said to me that I've spent my life worrying so much about making other people happy that I have forgotten about myself.

My mum had Bipolar which developed after I was born and I spent a lot of my life looking after her. Not making excuses but its how I can see so clearly that my background caused me to accept WH's behaviour.

I am surviving but think emotionally I am at rock bottom now. It will take me at least a few days to get ready for plan B but I can see what others have said now about it being a place of safety where you can heal. I actually look forward to that.

Will post again when I've got things in order and drafted my letter. I started reading Surviving an Affair properly last night. Bought it back in January when I thought WH was serious about coming home and never finished reading it with all that was happening.

We are here for you, friend.

We can help with your preparations also. Post your letter. In that link there are Plan B letter samples.

Let us know what you need.

We have many prime example Plan Ber posters here.

Thank you BrainHurts that means a lot. I will post a draft letter as soon as I can.

Have listened to the suggested clips and really feel like I have learned such a lot from this site (and I am someone who has read a ton of books on marriage, relationships, communication etc.)

Has this Affair been exposed to everyone including your children?

Yes HDW, I exposed to our children, my mother in law, friends, my family, OW's parents and friends. The problem was that I didn't have info on OW back in October so the exposure wasnt all in one go.

At first none of our children wanted to meet the OW. Now my WH has introduced our 8 year old son to OW and her two sons. A couple of weeks ago I found out my 17 year old daughter met the OW.

My 13 year old doesn't want to meet OW and will rarely agree to see her dad (she told me he will die alone). My WH thinks he can change her mind and that it will all be ok. Seriously I don't think he has any idea of the damage he has caused or how it will affect our children's lives. But I feel its not a good idea for me to try to explain it because he won't listen to me and I might slip into more love buster type behaviour.

I had a somewhat difficult childhood so I feel passionately that if you choose to have children you should give it everything you have got in you to provide a happy and stable family life for them.

I have let my WH be cake eat for a year. He was living a double life...telling me he wanted to try to come back and the OW he wanted to marry her. All hurts. Try to protect yourself now, I wnet back into a Plan A mode with hope he would return. I was so wrong. I am so hurt again. I did it for my children too.

I'm so sorry Mason. Truly I know just how much it hurts.

I think my WH would be exactly the same but there is no way I will allow him back into my life now UNTIL he meets my requirements. And if he never does that will be his loss.

Have you filed for divorce?

I know, and Plan B is hard the second time around too. I thought I would be stronger, but I feel weak today. Just trying to protect myself. I wish I could escape this nightmare.

The problem was that I didn't have info on OW back in October so the exposure wasnt all in one go.

Let this go, now, unless the new info is of such damage that those who yawned "Ho-hum" before would now sputter, "How DARE he?"

I'll chip in with my probably superfluous recommendation to get the Plan B in line and ready to implement. You are fortunate in that your children are not infants, which adds complications to "keeping the walls up". You and he have no shared custody agreement of any type in place, I take it. That is going to have to be established, formally, through the offices of that family support agency you referenced, I would assume.

Let me brace you with the following thought: TWO people are the only ones necessary to convince of the absolute integrity and inviolability of the Plan B barriers and structure. WH of course is one, but he is the SECOND one. YOU would be the first. A weak Plan B, collapsing on your end at the first accepted phone call, returned email, etc, would be critically damaging to convincing him of the Plan's inevitability.

Set your heart as being secondary to your mind as relates to WH, okay, as you are making your arrangements.

HDW - no neither of us have filed for divorce yet. At one point WH said he would "look into a divorce once things had settled down with the children".

Neverguessed - you have correctly pointed out that I have led with my heart and not my mind. I have to say that I really appreciate your to the point posts and I get what you are saying about me and Plan B.

My problem at the moment is finding a reliable intermediary. As I mentioned, last time it was my sister which WH did not like at all and I think my sister was too emotional about the situation.

Neverguessed, we have an arrangement for our 8 year old son to see his father on Tuesday evenings overnight and every other weekend. This was just agreed between the two of us as the Child Support Agency in the UK only deals with financial support with children. Obviously if my WH does decide to move 50 miles away to be with the OW then this arrangement would have to vary. I don't know whether to say that the Tuesday evenings should stop or to leave things as they are at the moment. My son obviously does want to see his dad but told me it is confusing for him.

Friends and family who know more about the ways in which WH have manipulated me say that I should cease the current arrangement for my son to force my WH to take the custody issue to court. I think this would hurt my son. Any thoughts on this please?

I think you should file for divorce and go into plan B

Jay, its not good for your son to be exposed to your husbands affair. It is just teaching him that wrong is right and causing him great moral confusion. I would make it a condition of visitation that your child not be exposed to his filthy affair. He can come and pick your son up at your home [without coming in] and take him out for dinner, etc.

I would file for divorce and get this put in your custody agreement, that he not be allowed to expose your son to his affair. Unfortunately, your husband is a bad influence on your son right now so I would make sure he is as protected as he can be.

Thank you all and yes I will be filing for divorce along with my Plan B and will alter the arrangements for my son. Its so nice that other people support what I was thinking because I've been so disappointed at how people generally in the UK seem to just accept adultery.

Finances etc are ok for me and today I've been clearing my house of things that belong to WH or may remind me of him. I've kept my wedding dress for nearly 20 years but have talked to my daughters and we all agree I should get rid of it. I think its a good sign that I feel able to do this - I feel relieved somehow.

The main thing I have to do now along with the plan B letter is to find an intermediary. My choices are a bit limited really but are as follows:

* My cousin (but she is close to me and is disgusted with WH so even if he did want to recover our marriage I'm not sure she would tell me).

* My daughters partner (but he is only 19 and it might put him in a stressful position as my eldest daughter and he see my WH and have met OW).

* Either my WH's brother or best friend (I trust both of them actually but I would feel awkward in asking them to do it as I haven't seen either of them for quite a few months).

* My neighbour who has known WH and me for 7 years (but she is an older lady and has lots of issues with her own children/grandchildren).

I'm struggling with this one so would welcome comments from people who know more than I do.

Thanks again to all of the people who've replied to my posts - its been exactly what I needed.

Interesting that you brought up your wedding dress. I started thinking about what to do with mine!!!

Maybe someone from your Church could be an IM. You just need someone to handle the communication and filter out anything you don't need to know or hear.

Did you H just leave when you asked him to? Mine won't. This puts me into having to file. Ugggggg!

I am glad you are standing up for yourself. It is nice to read about how you are handling it.