how she can be so eager to get on dating websites....Who does this????

She has registered on at least 3 different site. She did this today... She has several pictures of herself, one of which I am cropped out of. Why does she do this???

Can't she have any respect for what we had with each other???

I mean we were with each other for almost 8 years....How could then she start an online affair in less than 3 months after going thru that????

What has to be going thru her brain in order for this to make sense????

PLEASE, I'm begging you - stop with the agonizing transcendental questions. We're not impressed by multiple question marks!

They're a waste of your energy, our time, and millions of transmitted electrons.

Here is the only question you should ask:

What steps should I take, and attitudes assume, to grant myself the the best (however poor that might be) chance of successfully recovering from my WW's affair and emerging on the far side as a viable entity?

As brutal as it may sound (and I get accused of MUCH brutality), the rest of your actions here are basically the same thing as what WW is doing with Mr. BuzzBomb and the mirror!

So copy and paste the blue question above into your own note below, and commit to listening and acting on the responses, okay?

Farmer,

In addition to NG's great brutal (I don't think it's that brutal) advice are you on some ADs? They can help you stay focused on the above question and keep you moving forward.

I agree with BH and NG, you need to focus on YOU and your questions need to be about YOUR next move.

Asking questions about her state of mind is about as productive as asking kittens to unravel a ball of wool.

ADs might be an idea if you are finding it difficult to focus on YOU and YOUR plan.

Are you documenting stuff like her registering on dating sites? Could help you in a D..

Speaking for myself NG I have to say that I love your question, will use it myself and do not think it is brutal. It's just clear and no nonsense. Thank you.

Good idea indie,

Here you go farmer to help you out.
DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

Why Saturday? Is it far enough in the future to sound like you're making a plan but not so soon as to require actually doing something?

Look, hoss, we all know Saturday will come and go and nothing will happen. You're scared sh*tless of either your WW or the germs in the house, I'm not sure which, but that needs to change if you want to come through this reasonably sane.

What's she going to do? Get pissed off and leave you? Seriously, what's the hold up here?

Go home today. Don't tell her you're coming--just do it before your brain comes up with some reason for delaying.

Go home today. Don't tell her you're coming--just do it

From 27 July -
{Sound of front door flying open} "Hi, snookums! I'm HOME! To STAY! IN MY [censored] HOUSE!"

Then walk into YOUR bedroom, break the mirror, and kick Mr BuzzBomb into the corner.

But you won't do that, will you?

You are the only player in this game, my friend, and you won't participate.

Yeah I understand.

I'm the one that keeps getting kicked.

I went by my house today while she was at work.
She had a modem for her computer working.

I saw a phone book on our coffee table.
It had a page turned down in the attorney section.

I'm trying to avoid bringing attorneys into this.

If she does, yeah I am going home, at least until the police arrive. Someone told me that even though it is my house, she can keep me from living there since I left.

Baloney. It's YOUR HOUSE. You can come and go as you wish. You wish to return to your home now. Simple.

ETA: Get a VAR and wear it at all times while you are around your WW. You don't need a false domestic violence arrest. WW's have been known to trump those up.

What??????

You don't want a lawyer and you are following her rule about you not being there?!

I'm out.

I know it sounds odd....I guess I am in the fog myself

It was my rule for me to leave....I couldn't handle what had happened, so I left. It was on impulse. I took out all my stuff, clothes, etc.

I was so mad that she lied to me for 2 months, that she was doing all this behind my back. I just couldnt take it, I had to leave. It hurt me so bad that she would lied to me for something that she knew I had issues with (past boundary issues & infidelity)


I have sent her a letter stating that we need to agree on how to handle the house. That other than the house, we can go our separate ways.

I just want this to be over as soon as possible. I hate her for hurting me, my family, her family & what we had. She disrespected me & everything about us.


I am in a state of anxiety everyday. I can hardly work. All I think about is this stuff.

I am going to see a counselor tomorrow.
Hopefully I can get help.

I still think you need to speak with an attorney before you just throw your hands up, acquiesce to her wishes and head for the hills. She's probably entitled to half of the marital property (including possibly your retirement) so you need legal advice as to whether or not her infidelity can negate her receiving her share.

Or, hope that she's dumb as a brick and just signs whatever you throw at her.

I'm sorry for all my confusion...

Part of me wants to punish her more & make her leave the area for good.
Part of me just wants this to be amicable.

I'm accepting that is is over between us.

Some times were good. I felt great when I first met her. She was really into me & that felt good. I had met a woman that wanted to be around me.

Sometimes were sad. Such as all the love busters she used to get me to meet her needs. She used guilt, angry outbursts, etc, so that I would meet her needs of admiration & affection.
She has this combination of anger & crying.

One time we went to a bar that had karaoke. Kind of dark old seedy place. We had been there a few times before. Not really my thing though. I try to be on my best behavior. I mean, I try to act like I enjoy it. This last time we went with a workmate of WW & her husband. It was late & I am tired. I am not into it but I have a few drinks anyway. I have to admit, I am the type of guy that can sit there & have a conversation with people & I am ok with that.

I know that my WW wants me to be the life of the party I guess. Which I just dont have in me.
And since we are in front of her friend from work & her husband, my WW expects me to be interactive.
Interactive to the extent that my WW approves my effort.
At one point while we are sitting there in our group, I could feel her angry crying eyes staring at me.
I turned to look at her, to say what is wrong....she gets up & goes the restroom. I wait awhile & go into the adjoining lobby.
She comes out of the restroom, she had been crying. I asked her what is wrong.

She says that I should be more interactive with her friends & that I should act like I am having a good time. She has this sort of angry sad crying eyes combination going on.
This type of thing has happened all the time since we have been together. It feels like she is evaluating me & seeing if I perform or meet what she wants me to do in order for her to be happy. I knew this was just a repeat of past criticisms, so I tell her to stop. I say to her that I am tired of this sort of thing, where she gets upset that I am not meeting her expectations. That it has been a long day, late night & that I am tired. She then blurted out "F__ You Jeff". I almost walked out of the restaurant. I really thought about leaving forever right then.

She went back to her seat with her friends & attempting to clear her eyes of tears so that they would not suspect she was upset.
I then went to my seat as well, trying to act as if nothing has happened. We sit there at the table making small talk with her friend & her husband. It felt weird to do that. After a while or so, I ask my WW to dance. She accepts & we go on the dance floor. She starts to dance with me. We danced for awhile. To me, she seemed to act as if nothing had happened previously....that the blow up never happened.

We had been there other times, and she never got mad like this.
I guess I was having a bad night & just didnt feel like being festive.


It hurt to be treated that way by her that night. That I am some sort of pet or man slave...that I have to act a certain way or else she will let me know in certain ways that I am making her unhappy.


This sort of thing happened all the time

It happened at our past anniversary dinner in April ....by her telling me "stop being an [censored]!"
This was due to me commenting on her surprise of another anniversary dinner at a Thai restuarant.
I had made the mistake (?) of telling her that I had been there before & that it was a great place.
I didnt mean to hurt her by letting her know this.
We left the restuarant & she had her anger/crying eyes. We didnt talk to each other for the rest of the night or the next day.

It happened in our bedroom. (Sorry for TMI) It had nothing to do with...getting everything going.
She would be 'satisfied' with what she got from it. Satisfied several times actually.
But she would complain that I had a hard time 'finalizing' everything for myself, so to speak.
The same attitude of being her being disappointed in me. I felt bad being criticized for that.


This has been a repeated scenario for me for our entire relationship.
Bascially, that I dissappoint her. That I can not meet her needs & that I will not change in order to meet them.
She used love busters to try to get me to meet them for her.

Sorry for the vent. I've never really talked about any of this before.

So you really don't want to try and save your marriage? Just straight to D?

Yes I ready to end this. Everyone else is telling me this as well. I have been hurt way too much by all this.

We couldn't have children, so that issue is resolved.


I just want to get away from her as fast as I can.

So as long as you can look back with no regrets.

Are you sure you're in the right frame of mind? You keep trying to figure out why she did it. So your love bank obviously still has a positive balance?

I can't say I'm in the right frame of mind....

I've accepted why she did it....I mean I know why she repeats doing this. boundaries, prone to looking outside the marriage for needs, etc

This is why she is already on dating websites...the same ones she used before I met her.
Because, this is her way of life.

I can't go back to her. She has moved on.

I guess my love bank is one that can never have a negative...no matter what happens.

But I can't continue being a door mat for her.
If we did make up, she is likely to do this again.

But she has already made up her mind a long time ago that she is gone. (at least 2-3 months ago).

Hey, if we had children, I'd fight for us. But we don't, and she probably can never have children.

What regrets could I have? THat I accepted that a serial cheater wants to leave me so that she can find "the one" for her. A person who reads romance novels & watches realtiy shows like Bachelorette....Which one has to admit can skew someones view on what a realistic relationship is about.

I don't have regrets. I tried to expose to her family & friends. She got angry. None of them helped. They all told her what she is doing is ok.

What did I have to work with. If we did get back together, would the recovery be even worth it. I don't really think so.

I'm sorry, I have my ups & downs. Right now, I guess I am feeling mad & angry about having to go thru all this.

Its better to feel this way than be sad & have a pity party for myself.

So you really don't want to try and save your marriage? Just straight to D? - Brainy

Wow! Given the immediacy of the karaoke story and the intimation that that was the norm, there ain't a whole lot to save!

I just want to get away from her as fast as I can. - FJ

Stop lying to us, okay?

"...as fast as I can," would have had you dialing 1-800-LEGALLEACH instead of typing to us.

This site gets people through the trauma resulting from infidelity. The likely end states can be reconciliation, or dissolution. Interminably reading your moaning about how bad she did treat you, is treating you and how lousy all that makes you feel is not what we do here. So pick one:

1 - Move home, commit to ruining her life that facilitated her affair, and fight for your rights, or
2 - Get the hell out of that sham of a union, as soon as your jurisdiction will give you your release.

Do you not understand you need nobody's permission, or concurrence, to get either of those initiated, just your own choice?

Stop venting and start DOING. You're sat on the train tracks with a freight train headed straight for you. You don't have time to vent!

Safeguard your finances, legal situation and your home NOW

THEN you can vent. AFTERWARDS

Get moving!!!

WOW, all the 2x4's I'm getting.


How can I safeguard my finances?