[quote=MelodyLane
THG, One of the most glaring problems is you continue to talk about the affair. But that seems to be triggered by your environment. I would strongly consider moving out of the area. This is a quality of life issue that is keeping you crippled. [/quote]

If you remember, you responded to my post Holiday Party in Nov 2010 and I told the OMW about 45 minutes later. That changed my life - Thank you, again.

I feel that I have pulled my ww through the recovery process, kicking and screaming along the way. Now I need proof that she is actually here, for good.

"I won, she chose me."

I don't think my ww chose me. If the OM hadn't tucked his tail between his legs and ran away she would have taken a different path. He was in jeopardy of loosing control of a chain of convience stores. Damn those morality clauses in work contracts. So now I am looking for evidence that she has chosen me.

At a certain point someone here will ask you, WHAT DO YOU WANT?. So I'll do it.


I want to be happily married to the mother of my children. My parents divorced when I was 18 and I vowed never to let that happen to me and my family.

I want to get past the fact that my wife fell in love with another guy, somedays I want to put my fist in the OG jaw, but then think wait - it was your spouse who was there with him...

I want to move past this nightmare.

My point. After a couple of years she hasnt chosen. And your stuck in this limbo.

THG12,

What was the result of the polygraph, do you think she somehow gamed it?

God Bless
Gamma

THG12,

Did you ever get a financial settlement out of OM or his company?

What is your Ws opinion or feelings about OM now has she ever expressed disgust with him.

God Bless
Gamma

Is her lifestyle completely transparent?


We spend most of our time together. I finally have access to her emails, cell phone etc., that was a battle.

I do not have access to her work email, or telephone. Most days I drive to work and she takes the car to her work and picks me up on the way home. I would say her 8:15 AM until 5:15 PM is not transparent. She does text me if she leaves work for any reason. That was a big trigger for several weeks.

We spent 18 years remodeling our home. We both grew up around the corner from each other about a mile from our current home. I had a divisional role with my global company that required 100K miles of travel the past three years. I gave that job up for a local role 8 months ago. Do you suggest looking for a job in another city? That would be a major life change...

Is that your suggestion?

My point. After a couple of years she hasnt chosen. And your stuck in this limbo.


I think that is one of the big problems. When she follows S Harley's advice and brings it to our recovery things go well. But when she doesn't, I start to wonder if she is really here or just waiting for the door bell to ring again.

Did you ever get a financial settlement out of OM or his company?

What is your Ws opinion or feelings about OM now has she ever expressed disgust with him.


The company paid her 3 months of salary when she left. She said it was the OG that started things, but after a while it felt good and she was right there with him. Yes, she says that he is a jerk, but I am not convinced if he called she wouldn't pick up the telephone. The fog was deep!

What was the result of the polygraph, do you think she somehow gamed it?


The questions:
1. Were you with him more than 3 times
2. Have you had contact with OG since March 2011
3. Oral sex more than 2 times

The examiner said she passed the test. It was strange because the poly examiner picked the hotel which ended up being two blocks from her former employer. He also asked who the OG was and he recognized the name and family company.

Prior to the poly we did an interview test and that examiner said she was still covering something up. When I first found out about the affair and spoke with my sisters for help my ww went to my sisters and begged them not to tell anyone who 'he' was (i.e., protecting him).

what are you doing for recovery? Triggering and bringing up the affair is keeping you at square 1. What are you going to do about that?

THG, you quoted MelodyLane's post, but you did not reply to it or acknowledge what she said. What do you think of her analysis of your situation, and what do you think of her advice?

IMO, this is the best post that has been made to you on this thread, and if you don't deal with the issues MelodyLane is raising, I do not believe you will be able to recover your marriage.

It doesn't sound like you and your wife have taken the steps to make the present happy. I would strongly consider moving out of the area.

I feel that we are working on happiness, but it seems more like we are distracting ourselves, so that we do not think about how our lives have been ruined. We plan time together... When she talks about it she states "I am doing everyting that I am told". Which makes me believe that she doesn't really believe in the recovery or the process. I keep stating that if I had an affair I would have turned 180 degrees on day one and spent the rest of my life making it up to you. That has not happened.

As far as moving goes. We talked about moving back east where my employer has plenty of opportunties. She doesn't want to move away from her aging parents. We spent 18 years remodeling a home. Do you just pack up and go?

Thg12,

I find it odd that there was not a catch all question, such as "are there any other things you are lying to your BH about"

So you think perhaps the OMs family somehow influenced the results?

God Bless
Gamma

So you think perhaps the OMs family somehow influenced the results?


I am not 100% sure if the examiner didn't reconize the family name and alter the results... She was shaking like a leaf when she went into the exam. She will NEVER tell the truth about something that puts her in a bad light. That is her personality.

In the end the story doesn't match. July - October and they hooked up three times? Really? No catch all question.

If you don't kick your recovery into a higher gear, it is not likely to work. Is it more important to you to stay in the home and lose the marriage?

Okay, that is a disrespectful thing for you to say. When you talk to your wife like that, you are making a major love bank withdrawal. And when you do that, you make her even LESS motivated to be on board with the recovery process.

Let me recap what I am hearing:

1. Has my ww affair proofed her life?
2. Make sure the present is happy
3. UA time together
4. False recovery first x months makes the process harder
5. Stop blaming, stop talking about the A and start working recovery
6. Determine and fix triggers
7. Have I received just compensation?
8. Has my ww chosen me? Is she remorseful, transparent?
9. Resentment caused by plan not followed or secondary gain
10. Is ww forthright? If not, recovery blocked. Has she taken responsibility for her actions?
11. Is ww O&H? Is ww crushed, apologetic and desperate for my acceptance?

Listen to clips on triggers, move locations after A.

Consider moving to a new area to start fresh and remove the triggers.

Yes, this is important for recovery; it is to prevent another affair. Both spouses should practice EPs (Extraordinary Precautions) for life.


Yes, important, because the past, which sucks, can't be changed. All you can do is to make the present as good as you can. Each day will eventually look a little better.


Yes, very important. During recovery, the minimum should be about 20 - 25 hours.


False recoveries are harmful and often do more damage to the BS and the marriage that the original D-Day. Some BSs never can get past a false recovery.


Yes, you have to stop talking about the affair, because it brings the past into the present. The past cannot ever be changed. Not talking about it is HARD, but minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day, it can be done.


Yes, find out what your triggers are, then work on a way to manage each trigger.


Very important, but keep in mind, JC is a work in progress. Remember the time frame of recovery is 2 - 5 years.


Many WW are NOT remorseful for their affairs. Just leave that alone for now. What matters now are actions. Transparency is part of the EPs.


Yes, it takes time and a solid recovery plan to overcome the resentment.

Secondary gain: Some people use the resentment as a way to continue to punish their spouse or to get something they want from the spouse.


The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of the foundations of a good marriage. Is this what you mean by being forthright? She needs to be honest and open with you, and you with her.

Again, many WWs blame their affair on their H neglect.


Being open and honest is part of the rebuilding of the marriage. It's what each of us should be all along and all the time.

Your WW being crushed, apologetic and desperate for your acceptance is not important at this time. It's very unlikely to happen. Focus on actions: yours and hers.

Sure it's helpful to get more education on how to handle this traumatic time, but it sounds like you're getting expert help from Steve Harley. We listen to MB radio frequently. Always helpful.


Moving is a very good idea. You both need to be far away from any chance of running into the AP. You don't have to sell your house; you could rent it out. You could go find some other place to live far away and have an adventure together.

Although my H's adultery took place during deployment and therefore very far away, we still HAD to move due to his transfer. The new place is where D-Day occurred. It was horrible and traumatic. However, the new place was a place of such incredible beauty and peace and it was a small community where we made good friends and had lots of UA time. Moving was hard, but it turned out to be a very good thing. We are renting out our home very successfully and it's paying the mortgage while we are living somewhere else for a while. It's do-able.

I read through your threads and am sorry you have to deal with this pain for two years. I know you are averse to divorce but I think that is the best option. After nearly 2.5 decades, she choose to betray you and throw everything away. She did not bend over backwards to reassure you of her love. She kept on ignoring your needs. She refused to quit her job and EVEN CHOSE TO PURSUE HER AFFAIR PARTNER before finally calling it quits and settling for you. You have basically become her second choice.

To me, it does not seem like she is staying with you out of love. Do you think she is staying because of money? Do you earn more money than her?