No, this is all real, unfortunately. It has been a nightmare.



Yes I am a pushover. I have an appointment with a counselor today.

I feel am this way, b/c I want to have someone in my life no matter what.

I have to say though, I have gone up & down about confrontation.

Sometimes I would get enough love busters from her(wives) or I would resent her enough...enough that I was ready to end it. But I never would bring anything up...never had the 'talk' about ending it with them.

But every time when they have wanted to end it, I felt helpless & alone. I would say that I ready to do anything to help us.


Also in the past I would get enough courage to confront my wife(wives) & I felt as though I paid for it negatively.
Maybe it is the way I confronted or argued, whatever. They would get mad at me...and I felt that they resented me for it, and that they held it in for later....

So I tried to avoid any confrontation with them. I just rolled with it. I guess I have learned to hold all of it in & take whatever I can get.

I am trying to learn to not be this way. I want love & a family, I really do.

Avoidance and sacrifice is a serious problem for you. Here you go
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3610_state.html

I guess this is me.

Yes, I got resentful that my needs weren't being met & in return, I had a hard time meeting her needs. We both did this.

I feel sad that I let it get this far.

I'll see your $50 and raise you $50.

It was awfully nice of him to offer to pay for the divorce and to give her the house. She's done so much to deserve it, after all.

Jeff- we all know good and well that she won't vacate the house in September. Why should she leave? It's a place to stay and has a nice mirror.

Oh well, at least y'all don't have kids.

Thanks Northwood....
I already feel enough guilt for being a factor in all this.

I'm trying to feel better about myself...I feel a lot of guilt, that I drove her to do this.

That I caused her to not want to love me anymore.

Buddy, you didn't drive her to do anything. She was already doing it when you met. She was broken when you got her.

I couldn't even count the number of threads I've read where the betrayed hems and haws, goes back and forth and debates the hell out of actually standing up to their WW.

And when they do finally make a move, the inevitable response they give is "WOW! I feel so much better having DONE something. Why didn't I do this a long time ago!"

Buy a voice recorder. Move home. Get an attorney. File for divorce.

Ok, I believe you. Offering to pay her legal bills was a bit 'wow!' But hopefully you're awake and listening now.



You'll feel like a whipped puppy, till you do, J. We've all been there.

She's a bully. Bullies hate calm smiles. Bullies hate people who don't care what they think.

Move home. Wearing a VAR. Tell her: "I'm here to sell the house and I expect you to end your As if you expect to remain under this roof.

She rants. You shrug and go make yourself a drink.

If she does attack you, call the cops. You'll have it recorded and it will be AMAZING if she attacks you. It'll get her out.

Any attempts to continue affairs will be blocked by you. Unplug internet modem, remove mirror, tell her to take her adulterous A calls outside. She needs to get her own place for that stuff

If more than 2 days go by with her acting like a loon, change the locks and put her stuff in storage with a plan B letter. Don't answer her calls.

Be Rhett Butler. Practice not giving a damn what she thinks.

I am going to get going on finalizing all this.

She is willing to go with whatever I want to do.


What do you get out of what she said in her letter?
I'm just trying to decipher what she means. I know it doesnt matter, I'm trying to learn from this.

Jeff --

She is wayward. There is absolutely no point in trying to decifer her intentions. Most of it is manipulation and gaslighting. She's still trying to "spin" the story (I would NEVER have really MET him...I'm not "THAT" kind of girl! -- which is all BS)

And she wants to be FRIENDS with you. Ha. I try to choose my friends more carefully -- I prefer those who have the same values that I do. She doesn't fit the bill. Unless you like your friends to lie to you and stab you in the back....

And lastly, I disagree about the house. Is it your intention to live there without her? If not, just stay out and get it sold.
Get her out as well.

I would tell you to go home if you were trying to bust up the affair and repair your marriage -- but that is not the case here. Its time to cut the ties. Send her an agreement that the house will be put in showing condition with neither of you living there. She needs to be out by 9/1. The house gets listed and you end this.

She's lying to you!

She won't behave well in this D.

Right, just like she was willing to make marital vows, right? Are you trusting her to keep her word?


Learn this: if a wayward's mouth is moving, they are lying.

So far my WW is ok with us going ahead with our D. She states that she will go along with whatever I need to do.

I'm still hurt by having to go thru this though. I have my ups & downs. Sometimes I am sad about what has happened & other times I am mad about what she has done to our marriage & lives.

I take 50% responsibility for what happened to us. She takes the other 50% plus 100% of the affair.

I know she had emotional needs of holding hands, being romantic, telling her that she is beautiful, etc.
I didn't do that enough or very little for her. I did at the beginning of our courtship.
I apologize for not providing her with what she needed. If I could go back & do all what she wanted from me, I would.

I do miss her. I want to be home.
I wished this had never happened.
Maybe I wish I had never found out so I could thru life without this pain.




Right now we are 3 weeks out from DDay (July 15th).

Last Sunday I snooped & found that she has registered & paid for a full membership to the dating website that she used when I met her. Curvydates.com

She did this 2 weeks after DDay. It hard from me to understand why someone would do this so fast.

She is receiving & sending emails from guys thru this site all day, everyday.

I can see that she is doing this at her work (nurse at major hospital) all thru the day & when she get homs (our home...the home I am not living in right now.)
I guess it must feel good to have so many guys come on to you without really knowing you.

I know that she has a webcam set up on her computer in our house.

She has already been talking to one guy via Yahoo Messenger.

I guess the next step is for her to talk to one on the phone & then to actually meet one someday.

It hurts me to know that someone I have been with for 8 years is doing this so quickly.

The only thing that we have left to work out is the house.
I will write up an agreement to where I live in the house & she pays for part of the mortgage until we can sell it.

Sorry for the rant. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever been thru in my life.
j

Are you going to take anuy of the advice people posted to you already?

yes I am

I am still feeling guilt for all this.

I feel like I caused this..
Maybe if I hadn't exposed, my WW & I could reconcile.

She says what she did was not real & was a fantasy. That the other guy is too different from her. That what she said with him was never meant to be seen by anyone.

If it wasn't meant to be seen by anyone she shouldn't have done it in the first place. And to send it to some strange guy?? Does she understand that the chance is very good that what she has sent will wind up on some site on the internet - for the whole world to see?? And I'm not talking about just the conversations - she's sending lewd pictures of herself to a stranger. There are people who get relationships started with women specifically for that purpose. If he posts those pictures online they'll be there for eternity. The internet never forgets. And if he attaches her name to them a simple google search of her name will bring them up. This is one more example of the harm that waywards cause to themselves while they're in the fog.

When are you going home? Don't tell me you've changed your mind because she wants a D. That's all the more reason to get back in there and at least make it difficult for her to destroy herself!

I understand...its good for me to hear logic
I have been having a hard time seeing the reality of all this.
I need more of logic 2x4's

I sometimes feel that i drove her to do these things by me not paying enough attention to her.

I feel like I drove her to accepting D because I exposed to her mom, brother & a few friends. She says that I tried to ruin her.


I did see a Christian counselor. She was very saddened by my story. She said that I was the first person she has ever told to walk away from this.

I just miss my wife, the person I fell in love with at the beginning. I feel as though I have failed her & drove her to not want to love me.

I am going home.

I'm going to quote some snips of your last post:



You are operating strictly under feelings and appear to be paralyzed. You need to take some action. Exposure was good, but you can't expose and then just sit back and wait for the situation to resolve itself.

This is good: But when? Today? Get going, Jeff. IF you want to try to save this. Your call.

So moving back home could save what our relationship?
I think she will be even more mad at me.
I know that her mom is helping her clean house today.

My wife is still on the internet on the dating sites...receiving & sending emails.

I'm not saying it will or won't save your marriage. And yes, she'll likely be as mad as a cat in a bag when you go home. Because nothing will screw up her fantasy world like her husband walking in the house.

I'm saying you have options: batter her fantasy by going home and making it difficult for her to have unfettered access to trolling for men on the internet. Or stay away and let her roam to her heart's content. I know which one I would pick if I were serious about saving my marriage, but that's me. What do YOU want to do?

I don't know if it's a good idea to go home while her mother is with her unless her mother supports your efforts. She'll be inclined to side with her daughter and the confrontation might not be to your advantage. Go home as soon as she leaves.

Her daughter probably wouldn't need her help with the house cleaning if she spent less time exposing her body parts on the internet. Just saying.