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...whether or not I want to save this marriage.WD, the odds of saving this marriage(?) decrease with every "Woe is Deb!" note with no action. You don't wait for a cancer to metastasize and then console yourself by saying, "Well it was too late!" Excise that sumbitch today, friend. You might someday wishing you had struck back today instead of waiting seven months like the poster here.
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Things are terrible. Enduring steady stream of abusive lovebusters. He spewed forth another angry and irrational tirade this morning, and I sit here fighting back the tears. He has launched a full-fledged attack against my family members and I'm frightened that he's causing irreparable damage. Knives to my heart.... You're a smart woman, Deb, but you're paralyzed at the moment. Take action. Go into plan B. Let him fume, flail, and froth away from you. Protect yourself, his account in your Lovebank, and your family. There's nothing more you can do here for now.
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Have you hired a PI and obtained evidence of his ongoing affair? The affair is ongoing and I have obtained sufficient evidence to satisfy myself that he is addicted. I now see him as a drunk driver who runs over everything and everyone in his path not caring one iota about the destruction he causes. My heart is breaking and there is a battle raging in my own head whether or not I want to save this marriage. What are you doing to save your marriage then? It is not going to happen by magic, Deb.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm going to end my marriage.
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Ok, fair enough. Can we help you through this? What Harley would tell you to do would be to separate and get into Plan B. Are you familiar with Plan B?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What made you decide to end your marriage?
BS Me 47,WH 49 DS's x3 17, 10, 7 Multiple D-Days No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either. Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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The affair is ongoing and I have obtained sufficient evidence to satisfy myself that he is addicted. Have you exposed to OW mother? She was a BW herself, I now see him as a drunk driver who runs over everything and everyone in his path not caring one iota about the destruction he causes. He is a typical wayward. My heart is breaking and there is a battle raging in my own head whether or not I want to save this marriage. You do not have to decide now...but you do have to start to protect your own health and the finances which he is squandering on OW. Divorce proceedings can be stopped if he does a complete 180. But I usually encourage wives to separate after about three weeks if their husband is still in contact with his lover. My experience has taught me that the health of most women deteriorates quickly and significantly while living with an unfaithful husband. Men, on the other hand, tend to be able to weather the storm longer with fewer emotional or physical effects. I call the strategy of complete separation Plan B.
In addition to avoiding health problems, a separation also helps a betrayed spouse hang on to what remains in their spouse's Love Bank account. Daily interaction with an unfaithful spouse causes such large withdrawals, that a separation with no contact between spouses can actually help the marriage by temporarily freezing the betrayed spouse's Love Bank. When the affair is over, the betrayed spouse is less likely to divorce when the unfaithful spouse wants to give the marriage a chance to recover.
Yet another advantage to separation is that some of the basic needs met by the betrayed spouse suddenly disappear. This is especially true when a couple has children. An unfaithful spouse often overlooks the betrayed spouse's contribution to the family. While the lover may meet two basic needs that were unmet by the betrayed spouse, the betrayed spouse may have been meeting the other three that cannot be easily met by the lover. During a separation, the unfaithful spouse can become acutely aware of what he or she is missing.
When a betrayed spouse decides that it's time to separate, I recommend complete separation with absolutely no direct contact (Plan B). The unfaithful spouse should be given the choice of having contact with the betrayed spouse or the lover, but not both. Someone should be appointed to go between spouses, delivering messages and children during visitation. But until the unfaithful spouse promises to completely end the affair, with absolutely no contact with the lover, the separation should continue. After the separation has lasted two years, with the unfaithful spouse's contact with the lover continuing, I generally recommend a divorce.
ME: BW HIM: FWH Married 18 yrs DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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. . . right now your tears are the prize for his efforts to put this on you. He can't do that without your active help, and quite frankly, by doing NOTHING to fight him, you're behaving as his best ally in this battle. TY, NeverGuessed. I have been weak and complacent. Over many years, I have voiced my concerns and desires to my husband in a most tender and loving way. His verbal responses were equally filled with sugar and sweetness. His actions, however, were always the opposite. And you are right: I did NOTHING to fight him and to earn my rightful place as his equal partner in our life together.
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My heart is breaking and there is a battle raging in my own head whether or not I want to save this marriage. By doing what you are doing, you will not save the marriage. Your only chance to save it is to STOP doing what you're doing and make a move. Have you noticed that us posters seem to be pretty peeved and frustrated about your situation? That's a sign that we see the train coming but little movement on your part. We aren't here writing to you for our health, but out of a genuine concern and desire for you to improve your life. You should have a similar desire. Make a move, Deb. I have been making strides these past few weeks to move myself out of my long-standing role as a weak and complacent wife and into the healthier role of stronger (but still loving) wife who enforces boundaries and demands actions (not just his sugary words employed to pacify me). Hence, my husband has responded with an onslaught of abuse to shove me back into complacency. Although not readily apparent to any of you, I am aware that my wishbone is transforming into a backbone.
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Although not readily apparent to any of you, I am aware that my wishbone is transforming into a backbone. This is great news deb... however Tell us how. The thing is, I have been down your path. Playing the supportive spouse whilst my WH was plotting his wayward path. Being an understanding and loving spouse whilst my H was actively wayward got me nowhere. Unless you count my WH now having an OC to his POSOW as a positive marital change Don't get to where I am. Fight and fight some more, lay down those boundaries. Show that backbone by taking action. NOW. If you had followed the advice when it was given, a PI would have already gathered the evidence, you would have exposed and you would now be in Plan B. I suggest you start taking action pronto. Stop questioning if you want to save the marriage or not. Right now, this is not your hurdle and you will likely vacilate on this decision for many months to come. Give yourself the options of marital or personal recovery, by following the plans and keeping those options open if they are presented to you. Actions not words are for the betrayed, not just the wayward.
Me (BW): 35 Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it. Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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So sorry for what you are enduring. Have you ascertained how much of your marital funds have gone to this young skank? Once you figure out if WH has bought her a car, rented her an apartment, etc., you can call her mother again. Let her mother know that her daughter will be hauled into court and sued for your half of the marital assets that were spent on her. OW will owe you for half of everything WH has spent on her. Her mother might get thru to her if you are talking about money she can't repay. You have to run her off. Just a thought. GF Thank you for your thoughts. If my husband does not voluntarily share all of his financial records with me, I can obtain them through court proceedings.
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Ok, Deb, I still don't see a plan here. What is required is action, not more talk. While you are waiting to grow a backbone, your situation grows worse and worse.
Courage is a choice, it is not something that attacks you against your will. You can make a choice to act today.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I already informed my husband that our crippled marriage is OVER and that we will have our respective legal counsel hammer out the details of a marital property settlement. I asked him to move out today. I scheduled a locksmith to change the locks tomorrow morning.
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I already informed my husband that our crippled marriage is OVER and that we will have our respective legal counsel hammer out the details of a marital property settlement. I asked him to move out today. I scheduled a locksmith to change the locks tomorrow morning. That is a great first step! Will he move out?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am however worried that he won't move out today as requested and will kick the door in tomorrow when he discovers the locks have been changed. He has proven an unwillingness to control his anger and his actions are frightening. If he threatens me with an angry outburst, I will call the police.
My family law attorney is on vacation this week, but I am hoping my husband will cooperate with my requests. If not, I will not rely on plan "hope". I will get a restraining order ASAP. Even if my attorney is out of town, there are advocates available who have priority access to local judges and are capable of running the paperwork through the court system and getting him served in a very quick amount of time.
Any other suggestions as to how I should immediately proceed?
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Does WH usually get home at a reasonably predictable time? Having trustworthy witnesses "visiting" at that time might be a good idea.
Is he "connected" (friends, civic relationships) with law enforcement in any way? If so, anticipate his using that to get their intervention in your actions. If so, balance your cooperation with their instructions against what seems reasonable. Sadly, you only have shared (not priority) claim on your home. Don't get backed into a corner that causes YOU to commit legal infractions, okay?
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What made you decide to end your marriage? Because I have taken my blinders off. My head is no longer in the sand. I am no longer sweeping problems under the rug. And all those other helpful metaphors and/or linguistic aids to describe where I'm at right now. I realized that my marriage was limping along in a crippled state for years before my husband commenced his affair. The affair was not even the Coup de gr�ce. It was his onslaught of lovebusters designed to get his weak, complacent wife back in line and his unacceptable attack on my family designed to isolate me from the support I desperately need. That was what finally made me decide to end my marriage--my CRIPPLED marriage. I still love my husband. That hasn't changed.
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WD;
You have decided to stand up for yourself and your M, I think that is brave and wonderful.
You WH is acting in a typical WW manner, he does not believe that you are serious about your demands. He is also addicted to OW. I am certain he does not believe you are serious, that you will immediately back down, and he can still have the wife and the OW, too.
You are going to need to make a plan, PREPARE yourself and execute the plan only when YOU are ready.
I wish you would have gotten legal counsel before asking him to move out, but it sounds like you have plans to get some soon.
Do you understand about plan b? Do you have a trustworthy person to be your IM and handle communications?
Me; W 46 Him; H 46
2 girls DD19 DD16 Dated/Married total 28 years. ..I am learning and working on myself.
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I still love my husband. That hasn't changed.
It should. Sorry, WD, but the "husband" that once deserved your tender affections is absent, probably permanently.
...his onslaught of lovebusters...unacceptable attack on my family designed to isolate me...
Intentional emotional cruelty and abuse cannot be the hallmark characteristics of someone deserving "love". One of the posters here has as her note epilogue, "Love the man he was; know the man he is!"
You probably want to bear that thought in mind.
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I am however worried that he won't move out today as requested and will kick the door in tomorrow when he discovers the locks have been changed. He has proven an unwillingness to control his anger and his actions are frightening. If he threatens me with an angry outburst, I will call the police.
My family law attorney is on vacation this week, but I am hoping my husband will cooperate with my requests. If not, I will not rely on plan "hope". I will get a restraining order ASAP. Even if my attorney is out of town, there are advocates available who have priority access to local judges and are capable of running the paperwork through the court system and getting him served in a very quick amount of time.
Any other suggestions as to how I should immediately proceed? That is PERFECT! CArry on! If you focus on getting him moved out for now, once he is out, we can help you with next steps. I would also suggest you pack his bags and have them ready for him for when he returns.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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