This is 'My Story' from my profile, with a question at the bottom. As you can see, I failed miserably at keeping it brief.<P>I am 32, my wife is 27. We have been married almost three years, and lived together for four years before we married. She had two children from two previous relationships that were 2 and 3 years old when we started dating. Anyway, here is my story - I will attempt to keep it brief by doing a time line thing. Aug.,1992: Started living together - very much in love. Between Aug.,1992 and Dec.,1994: She gained weight, became self-conscious, and lost all desire for sex. My efforts to convince her my feeling for her hadn't changed failed, so I withheld love and affection and focused on making myself happy. Dec. 1996: After two years of both of us being 'takers', we decide that the commitment of marriage will magically cure our problems. It may have helped briefly, but eventually we were in worse shape than before. Things came to a head in Aug.,1999. We had a big fight, she threatened to move out, I agreed that that was a good idea. For a few weeks afterward, she tried to retract her threat to move out, but I was stupid and angry and wouldn't let her. I pressured her to hurry up and find a place while really neglecting her and doing things to hurt her emotionally(staying out all night - and yes, I had a one night stand with a woman I met at a bar.) Sep.18,1999: She moved out, I was still blinded by anger and glad to see her go. She expressed her desire for us to go to counseling which I ignored. Oct. 1,1999: She calls me and says she is bringing the kids to stay with me for a 'visit'. She drops them off and leaves - to spend the weekend with a 'friend' from work. Oct. 2-3,1999: I realize that I have literally pushed her into the arms of someone else and begin to have regrets(much too late, I know.) Oct. 4, 1999: I ask to talk to her about us - she reluctantly agrees. I go to her apartment to try to ask for forgiveness and a chance to work things out. I find a card that she had left out that was for her 'friend' - in it she wrote "I can't believe things are happening so fast, but I know the feeling I have for you is love! Love, Xxxxxx". Oct. 6,1999: I start counseling for myself, resigned to the fact that I had caused irrepairable damage and that she would never consider reconciliation. When I tell her that I retained a lawyer to file for divorce, she tells me she doesen't want a divorce. She says she just wants to be seperated and do some soul searching. I tell her that I don't feel that she can do much soul searching because she is already staying the night with her new boyfriend. She agrees to reconcile. I had found Dr. Harleys site and decided that following his concepts was the only was to restore our marriage. So I told her about the one night stand that I had(the concept of total honesty.) She maintained that her relationship with her 'friend' was still strictly platonic, and that since I cheated we just needed to go ahead and get a divorce. I felt I was in no postion to argue, so I agreed. She called two days later and said she had changed her mind and wanted to reconcile - with certain conditions. We had to move out of the state, she wanted to go to school instead of working, and we had to go to counseling. After giving it some thought I agreed to her conditions, but she said she had changed her mind again and didn't want to reconcile. Oct 24,1999: We meet for me to get the kids for the day, she tells me that she has decided that she will go to counseling with me, but wants to stay seperated and continue to see her friend. If she thinks the counseling is helping, then she may commit to working things out. Oct 26,1999: I tell her that the pain of her indeciseveness is too much, and plan to go ahead with the divorce. She breaks down and says that she wants to reconcile, but just doesen't know how to get herself out of the position she is in with regard to her work, apartment lease, and boyfriend(still platonic according to her.) I tell her that I will do anything necessary to make a reconciliation possible and we agree to get together to negotiate a reconciliation. Oct 29, 1999: She brings the kids for a visit, we go out to eat and talk. She has decided to work things out. She admits to being intimate with her friend "but only one time right after you admitted you cheated" and says that she tried to end it with him, but he pleaded with her to give him a chance and she gave in. We make plans for her to come back Sunday and for us to take the kids Trick or Treating together. Oct 31,1999: The kids are visiting their grandmother and wont be back till five pm. She shows up at 1:30 and doesn't want to talk about us at all. We go to the mall to kill some time, and manage to have pleasant conversation and a few laughs. She tells me she is trying to slowly pull away from her boyfriend and wants to reconcile. The kids get home at five and she cooks supper. As soon as it gets dark, she goes into high gear. She instucts the kids to quickly put thier costumes on, we take them aroound one block of our neighborhhod, and she says it's time to go. She gets the kids loaded up then gives me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and tells me "it's going to work out, don't worry". Nov 1,1999: She calls me at work to ask about getting a washer and drier for her apartment. I tell her that since we are going to reconcile that it would be a waste of money. She responds that we won't be living together anytime soon because it will take a long time for her to ease out of her relationship with her boyfriend - she feels he deserves to be let down gently. I repond that we couldn't make any progress living so far apart and that if she were honest with her boyfriend it might hurt less than an unexplained slow demise of thier relationship. I told her that we didn't have to sleep in the same bed, but I felt that nothing could be accomplished if we weren't able to assure each other that we were being honest by being aware where each other is to eliminate a chance for a 'second secret life'. She resonded that she needs privacy and wants to stay in her apartment until March. <P>Ok, for anybody that made it this far, thanks. My question is: How can I be firm and request that since she has decided to give our marriage a chance that she be honest with OM and commit to working things out? When I mentioned it, she accused me of trying to be controlling and having things my way. I told her that my counselor said essentially the same thing about her needing to commit to reconcilliation and be honest to OM, she said we would have to find a different counselor - one that wasn't on 'my' side. I know that everything has happened so fast but I am scared and don't know what to do. Admittedly, I am impatient and wonder if I shouldn't give her more time. She told me that she knew that there couldn't be a future with her and OM, she just feels that he was there for her in her time of need and doesn't want to hurt him. My brain is mush, and I would appreciate any advice or even contructive criticism.<P>Thanks,<BR>Remorsefulone

I would recommend that you read a book titled" Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. It will present a sensible approach to dealing with a spouse having an affair. Your wife is playing mind games with you to keep you off balance. It is obvious by her actions that she is not being sincere in wanting to reconcile with you. It is also obvious that she considers the OM more important than her marriage Otherwise she would be working on rebuilding her marriage. Her excuses of not wanting to hurt the OM by breaking up too quickly should be viewed as nonsense. In my opinion, your wife should be informed through your lawyer that her continued involvement with the OM will be confirmation that her marriage to you is no longer important and that you will proceed with filing for divorce.

Oh wow, you've really been through the ringer with this. I'm sorry.<P>When I discovered my H's affair (it was his second in three years of marriage), and he confessed after I confronted him, I was certain I wanted a divorce. Until I saw him the next night, and we started talking about it. It was very scary for me, but this is what I told him:<BR>"What you're doing to me is emotional abuse and I don't deserve it. I love you and I'd like to save our marriage, but I have two conditions: you can never cheat on me again, and we have to go to marriage counseling together."<BR>The scary part was that he would choose not to comply, and then I'd have to follow through with my request for a divorce.<BR>But, at least for me, I needed to draw the line in the sand and state my truth.<P>It seems to me that her involvement with the other guy is a waste of her energy, attention and love, if she truly wants to reconcile with you.<P>I'm sorry this is happening, and I know how painful it is.

remorsefulone:<P>Your wife is not in love with you. And she's having a terrible time trying to make decisions. All these symptoms are what you would expect of someone having an affair.<P>So, the most effective thing that you can do right now is Plan A (buy Harley's "Surviving an Affair"). Chris has posted on Plan A/Plan B recently, look up his thread for the details. But in essence, this means that you must change your behavior (impatience too)---no lovebusters. No angry outbursts. No demands (especially critical for you). No disrespectful judgements (I also see signs of these).<P>Right now, no matter what your wife is doing, you need to demonstrate this new behavior, consistantly. You can still be firm by being completely honest with her---but your honesty cannot contain demanding or disrespectful statements. Phrase things in "I feel", or "I think", and not as absolute facts or accusatory statements.<P>Remember, your wife doesn't "love" you right now. That doesn't mean that this can't change. But ask yourself---what kind of person do you think she'd fall in love with? She's probably not interested in someone punishing and demanding. Also, she's probably not interested in someone who's begging, whining, and pleading. You need to demonstrate to her that you have her best interests in mind, that you believe in the marriage, and that you're willing to do what it takes to make it a safe and loving place for her (even if she's not willing to do any work in that direction).<P>At this point in your situation, I disagree with the other two posts. It's probably too soon to give your wife more demands and threats. Give Plan A at least 3 months (preferrably 6 months). If you haven't made enough progress to keep you in Plan A at that point, you should go to Plan B (a no contact separation). That's similar to Dobson's "tough love" approach. But it's much more effective when your wife has the belief that returning to the marriage would be beneficial to her (and the kids)---that's why a consistant, solid Plan A period is usually the best way to handle things. It's also a very unexpected way to handle things---and the more you can keep her off balance with your new behaviors, the more she will question her affair.