Dear XX

As you know, the past nine months have been difficult. I want you to know that it meant a lot that you came straight away when I needed you after I found out dad had died. And though going to XXX for the funeral was difficult, I felt I had your support. Our time there with X and X as a family was how I had always wanted things to be and I will remember it when I look at the photos of us all go-karting.

believe that It is possible for us to deal with the past and rebuild a happy family. But it is impossible for us to do that unless you end your relationship with OW once and for all. Until then, I will completely avoid seeing you or talking to you for any reason and I have accepted the fact that it may be for the rest of my life.

You will still be able to see X but any arrangements or communication about the children will need to be through (IM).

I ask you to respect my decision to have total separation from you in this way. You must know the hurt I have suffered because of your relationship with OW and I cannot see or communicate with you while you are in a relationship with her. For some time now I have known this is the best choice for me but I thought communicating with you would be best for the children. I now realise that I will be a better parent to them if I do what is best for me.

If you reconsider things and When you are willing to permanently separate from OW and never have contact with her again, I will be willing to discuss the future with you. You will need to contact me through IM.

I loved you when I married you and will continue to love you even though I don't see or speak to you. You have been an important part of my life but its time for me to think of what is best for me and the children as I focus on creating a full and good new life.

You had so many negatives in the letter and it is meant to be powerfully loving and yet firmly setting your boundaries. I would add a new first paragraph that states that you love him and know you created an environment that allowed for an affair but are now aware that you must step up your game as a partner to create a wonderful marriage. The last paragraph could be a recollection of a simple but romantic event in the early part of your relationship. Something beautiful before you sign off the letter.

I am not going to be able to see how you do on any revisions since I am heading off camping for four days but other MBers can give you input on your new additions to the letter. When during the next week are you planning on going to plan B? Do you have all your ducks in a row for it?

Thanks for your comments on my letter. My laptop has caused me to lose a really long post that i wrote in response so this will be shorter!

I'm feeling down today - partly because of WH. He's avoided dealing with issues around our 13 year old daughter but yesterday text me to ask when he could pick up our 8 year old son on Sunday. It's not his weekend but because WH is on holiday he assumes the access arrangements will be changed to suit him. I know my son would want to go to see WH but I don't think its in son's best interests. (When my son comes back from his dads his asthma and exzema seem to have got worse and it takes me several days to get him back to normal.)

I've read all the comments on my letter and understand what you've said about negativity. The bit about the funeral I put in because my dad died abroad so we went away for almost a week and it was the only time I've ever felt supported by WH. We also had some family time which was the best it had been for a long time and I wanted him to remember that. But i'll take it out and revise it.

I feel a bit stupid to change it to "when you leave OW" rather than if because I don't think he will leave her. The affair was exposed, he's seen that it's affected his children and he hasn't come back. What will make him want to come back now as he doesn't love me?

I did have the Plan B letter from Surviving an Affair in front of me when i wrote my letter but i adapted it because I already wrote to WH months ago taking my responsibility for the mess our marriage was in and also when we had two sessions at marriage counselling. MelodyLane suggested I not put in the part about creating an environment for an affair because WH is a serial cheater. I don't even know how many times he has cheated - until this recent affair I knew of two affairs that I found out about at the same time. He had cheated on me when I was pregnant with our second child but i didn't find out until 2 years later.

I really struggled to think of happy, romantic events in our marriage which made me wonder why am I even wanting to try to reconcile. The ONLY reason is because we have 3 children. I think that is the best reason in the world but can it work when I have lost respect for WH and his character? Truthfully I'm not sure anymore that I know what love is or whether it is possible for me to love WH again. I know I did once and that he loved me. But if he comes back for the children i'll always know that I was second choice.

I'm sorry I know I'm being negative and rambling but I have always been a positive and optimistic person and generally confident. Yet now I'm struggling to make decisions.

As far as preparing for plan B - locks are already changed on my house so he can't get in, I'm talking to possible IM's this weekend and I've taken action on things like blocking his email. Our finances are already separated except that I'm waiting for him to start paying his child maintenance.

I like "when" as opposed to "if" because it presents it to your WH has a given. "If" makes it sound like an option. You don't want to give the impression that you think staying with OW is a viable option.

Point taken maritalbliss. I don't want WH to think staying with OW is a viable option!

He's text again about having our son but I've told him we will be sticking with our usual access arrangements. Made me realise how often I've just gone along with what he's said even when he's unreasonable.

I expect he will try to break my Plan B when I go into it. I will need to change our home phone number. What do I do about children's mobile phones. I want him to be able to contact them but when he's panicking he does silly things - like recently texting our son that he wants son to live with him. (Luckily I got to the text before my son did). But I don't want ANY contact, even looking at text messages in Plan B so how do I handle that? Issues like this are why I'm taking a few days before going to Plan B - I want to have everything in order so there is no way WH can get to me.

When you deal with a serial cheater or sex addict it's similar to dealin with an alcoholic.
You mention that he upset you about his responsibilities to the kids.

I encourage you to visit an AlAnon meeting. They can teach you how not to depend on your husband.

Really you need to look at yourself and ask why you even want a serial cheater with you.

HDW

As you can imagine, WH is quite manipulative - I've been in counselling for the last 7 months and its taken that for me to wake up and see things as they really are.

I have looked at myself believe me and the ONLY reason I have been speaking to him is because counselor convinced me to try and co-parent. Melody posted some very sensible comments and I now see that co-parenting is impossible.

I just feel so sad for our children but am asking myself why would I even want a serial cheater with me as I do deserve so much more.

Has anyone on here ever recovered with a serial cheater?

Listen to this radio clip on serial cheaters.
Radio Clip on Serial Cheaters