This is how it looks to me.......you are worried of her being mad at you while she is busy making video porn of herself Jilling Off & going on dating websites? Come on Jeff.....GET BACK HOME.

Yeah, that hits home...
Her mom is not my friend in this. She supports her daughter's efforts since my WW has "been unhappy" for quite some time. She is ok with my WW meeting new men.

Yeah....she did send photos to this guy.
I tend to also believe that she sending video calls to him as well....so that they could masturbate together.
She refers to setting an alarm at 2 am so that she could wake up,talk to him via chat or phone, or send video calls. She woke up at 2 am so as to make sure I was asleep. It hurts to hear her calculating this.

Sorry, bud, but it seems that you're pining away at a memory of a wife that never existed in the first place.

You got one hell of a pair of rose-colored glasses. That'll pass. From what you're writing, you'll be so much better off once you remove her (and her mother, it seems) from your life.

Jeff moiving home MAY save your relationship. She MAY see what she's been doing.

But even if she does not, it is NOT OK for her to use your marital home as her porn palace.

Move home, give her a chance to repent and kick her out if she does not.

Its time to stop feeling guilty my friend. My husband cheated on me and I never did anything like this. Women do have brains to make their own decisions with.

Tough love is the best thing you can do for her. The rest is up to her.

If not, she'll lie to you about an amicable divorce and then scheme to stay on the gravy train of this house while cheating on you for as long as possible.

If you move home BOTH options of either marital recovery or personal recovery with a D remain open.

But if you allow the porn palace to continue unchecked then both options will close for you.

How can you heal or be happy with this going on? Or get your house sold, even? So move home and stop it.

Logic.

Today I sent an email to my wife to basically ask that we reconcile.
I know, I was desperate. Spare the 2x4's.

I promised her that I would meet her emotional needs, that I failed in giving her what she wanted, etc.
I told her that I really wanted to be with her & love her.

She wrote me back (below) & said that we still needed to be separated for a couple of months so she could figure out things. She is a nurse & said that she may take a traveling nurse job for a few months.

After she replied to my email, I thought I would snoop on what she has been saying to the guys she has met online.

She has told one guy that she had been unhappy for last 5 years of our 7 year marriage. That has wanted a divorce for the past 5 years.

That I made her feel unattractive & fat.

And that is why she is on these BBW dating websites...to have men tell her that she is attractive & beautiful.


Background:
When we first met, she was a bigger sized girl. Size 20 or so. She was going to the gym at the time & had bought the Nutrisystem plan. She also mentioned to me that she had lost weight before & that she could do it again. I got the impression from her that she had ever desire to lose some weight. And yes, I didnt really like the fact she was a bigger sized woman, but I knew we could work thru it & get into shape.
While we dated, we didnt really work on losing any weight, due to getting prepared for our wedding. But I was assured we would once we moved into our house.

After we married, about a year or so, she went to a counselor about this weight issue at my request. It eventually turned into a several month sessions in which we both went to the counselor. It involved issues about both of us..... my confidence & shyness, her weight, and other marital issues.
It was during this time that she was involved in inappropriate relationships with two men...it consisted of phone calls, texts etc. I exposed during a counseling session.

About 2 years into our marriage, we started going to a gym & using a personal trainer. It helped but was difficult to keep going for us.
She then decided to get a lap band. Hoping it would be cure all for her. Her mom had it done previously. I supported her all thru that. I really wanted her to succeed. She did lose some but it leveled out over time. Today she is about a size 18 or so.)


It hurts me to see her tell a stranger that I made her feel unattractive & fat.

I admit I would bring it up the fact that we needed to continue getting into shape. But never did I never meant for anything I did to be seen as mean. I would find ice cream & snacks in our freezer & I would question why we had it.
And yes, sometimes I did do things that could be seen as being as teasing......I would pinch her sides.....I guess she could see it as being hurtful. I am sorry for that.

So, I can see why she is looking for men to see her as being sexy & beautiful...
Because I wasn't doing that for her. I just didnt tell her that.
I feel guilty now for all that.

--------------------------
Early today
Her response to my email:


Jeff,

My mom is up for the weekend helping me clear out the pantry to take to a food bank. She was going to help me pack up some stuff too. We need to sell the house...makes sense to do it sooner than later...the housing market is picking back up.

Yes, I am willing to talk with you. I love and care about you too, Jeff. There are many things we need to talk about. We could meet up after you get off work Tuesday and have dinner if you want. I still think being separated for a while is still the best thing for now though. I was thinking of doing a couple travel nurse assignments...nothing too far away...Gainesville, Orlando or Tampa...and putting everything in storage, but if you wanted to just move back in the house until it sells that would be best...we could keep all the furniture here until we have to vacate. I would still pay for the cable and utilities while you stay here. As a travel nurse my rent and utilities are paid for...each assignment is usually only 13 weeks, so its very temporary...its a great way to earn some good money. We can still talk, but I do need a few months if separation to think about things. I'm very much in limbo right now...no solid plans, just ideas...things we can talk about over dinner...what do you think??

Love (WW)


-----------
Later today
Her conversation with guy on dating website
I learn the real truth of how she feels about me & us.

(Wife):Having a good weekend?

(Guy from Dating Site):not bad, what about you?

(Wife):Going well...mom is helping me pack up the house some...separated from my hubby, you know...will be getting divorced sometime soon.

(Guy from Dating Site):sorry to hear, you ok?

(Wife):Yeah...will be. Was my idea to separate....just hate seek.g him hurt. I still love him dearly, just know we aren't right for each other.

(Guy from Dating Site):hopefully things will get better for both of you

(Wife):Thanks...it will. I'm optimistic about our futures...separately.

(Wife):We have been married almost 7 years and I have wanted a divorce for 5 of those years...I have been emotionally checked out for so long. I feel like I've already moved on...too bad it took me this long to say I want something better.

(Wife):I guess you didn't read ny profile...it clearly says I'm separated...

(Guy from Dating Site):sorry to hear that

(Wife):Ah, ok...honestly not a touchy subject at this point....like I said...emotionally checked out long ago...

(Guy from Dating Site):have you been dating?

(Wife):No...we've just recently separated. He used to make me feel fat and unattractive, so once we officially separated I started looking for someone who will think I am super attractive...I signed on to the site you found me on a week ago....haven't been on any dates...just looking right now.

(Guy from Dating Site):I think your super sexy

(Wife):Thank you. I have been told I'm gorgeous by 50%, and that I would be gorgeous if I was thinner by 50%....I am overweight more often than not, so I'm tired of feeling like a failure and that I'm not attractive to my partner...I'm never obese, just not thin...just the way I am.

(Guy from Dating Site):you'll have to send me some pics, let me judge sometime

(Wife):Well, that's exactly why I found this site...I need to feel secure an sexy at all times.

Well, I swore to myself I was going to stop posting for a while, but I've got to ask:

Have you moved back in yet? Today is Saturday, and you said you were moving back today. If not, then why not?

I actually read that drivel from your WW, and it reeks of nothing more than entitlement and selfishness. What kind of real wife material actually checks out of a marriage only two years into it? (her words, not mine)

Think about it.

Man up dude! Get back in the house, break the mirror (seriously), disable the computer, and take your life back. Screw that her mother is there. I disagree on this point with some of the others. Her mother is probably looking at you through the same eyes as her daughter, and that's pretty much a wimp. Just make sure you have that VAR on you at all times.

Do you really want her controlling your life? Because right now, she is! How does that feel? Hell, you're even allowing her mother control your actions. How does THAT feel??

Call the hand at the card table, or fold yours.

Right now, you're folding like the proverbial cheap lawn chair.

I guess I was having some guilt for her feeling sad about being unattractive & fat.
Yeah, it has been an issue in our relationship before we even got married.

I have read some of Harley's book..Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders.
I think my WW is a Freeloader of a sort.
She mentions that she wants others to accept her the way she is & that she shouldnt have to change.
I've been trying my best to be a Buyer...I'd do anything to make things right & would do any changes to make our lives better.


I am moving back Friday.
I am talking to a lawyer to draft up an agreement this week.
I want my WW to sign it before I move in.

Jeff, I understand that you are in a lot of pain (BTDT) but why are you so adamant about not going home now? Please, don't give me lawyer agreement and Mommy bullcrap, as that's nothing more than an excuse to not do what you are legally entitled to do.

You say you want to try and save this. How in God's name are you ever going to find the strength to recover anything if you can't even muster the strength to put an to this crap that is tearing it apart to begin with? You think busting this up is tough? Try attempting marital recovery with someone who has no real desire to. (and she doesn't, this is a way of life for her)

Honestly, I have no idea why you're even trying at this point, but if this is an effort you are willing to attempt, then you need to go all out. This wimpy approach that you are exhibiting right now is not attractive at all to your WW. Women like men of strength, and right you're showing a weakness that is not very attractive to most women. In fact, it's quite repulsive and a major turn off for them.

I've said this before but I'm out. You aren't going to get anywhere with this weak kneed attitude where you need to get permission from your abuser to be assertive.

This attutude of yours will cause you so much pain that you'll hit rock botto. Hopefully when you do you'll get back in that house before its too late.

Let us know when you've done that.

I think you're only here to blog about your feelings of guilt, when the only thing to feel guilty about is never standing up for yourself.

You don't need an attorney to draft a document that will enable you to move back into your house! Why are you not getting this???

Jeff, what your WW is doing is called "buying time" when she tells you that you need to remain separated for 'a few weeks'. You know what will happen when those 'few weeks' are up? She'll weasel a few MORE weeks out of you. And on and on. She knows that her fantasy party will be interrupted if you go home. Which is why you need to GO HOME!

You made your need for Physical Attractiveness known to her. What has she done to address that? A lap band is a band aid - she needs to eat less and exercise more.

I know how I feel when I pick up a few extra pounds. I don't like the feeling. I feel fat and unattractive. But I don't go trolling for men on the internet to tell me I'm beautiful! I eat less and walk more!That makes me feel better - because I am in charge of my feelings! Your wife is in charge of HER feelings as well.

Your WW is the classic wayward, thinking in classic wayward fashion. She's telling men these things on the internet for a reason. She wants to weed out the men who want thin women and make sure she's finding the ones who like heavy women. And there are plenty of them out there.

Think about it: if she really wanted to make an effort to lose the weight, she would be making the effort. Instead, she is looking for men who like heavy women and flagging them that YOU made her feel bad because SHE isn't motivated to lose weight. She's giving them a veiled warning that they need to accept her weight issues.

Alright, I am moving back home this week.
I have to go out of town for most of this week (a family member is having a medical procedure). But I will be back on Thursday.
I will move back in on Friday.


As far I know from snooping, she is not in contact with this guy she has been video calling, calling, etc.
All that I have found is that she is on the dating website, accepting & sending emails / chats.


--------

After figuring out her real intentions, I am mad.
Really mad.
I can see her & her stupid mom laughing at me.
All this time, she has been at my house having time to figure out what is best for her....
All the while, I have been staying in a hotel.

I will move in & bring a family member with me. She can either stay or leave, her choice. I tend to think though, she will leave when she sees that is not just me that is moving in.


Sorry for having a pity party for myself.
I admit, if I were reading this as an outsider, I would think I was a doormat too.


She is blame shifting me (?) saying that I made her feel fat & unattractive.
I never did anything other than tease her by pinching her sides. Gosh, I could count on one hand how many times I did that.
Anyway, its no justification for hunting out guys on the internet so that she can feel good about herself.

I believe she is has a freeloader/renter way of looking at life & relationships. Accept & love me as a I...I should not have to change for my spouse or partner.

------
If she agrees to pay this month's mortgage, should I not move back in. (I am asking this from a concerned family member that suggested this.)

GO BACK HOME. I don't care who's paying what on YOUR HOUSE.

It's not relevant and you know it. If my neighbor paid my mortgage for next month, do you think I should move out? Same difference.

THIS! Concentrate on THIS!


Dare I hope that I am seeing a little spark of righteous indignation here?

I will grudgingly agree that you probably shouldn't move home today and then leave for the week. That may lessen the bang of your statement. Get in there as soon as you get back, and don't leave! Try to work your schedule so that you are home when she is home. If she's going to go spread-eagle for internet voyeurs she's going to have to do it while you're knocking on the bedroom door and asking her what she would like for dinner. Or she's going to have to go to her mommy's house and ask to use the spare bedroom for a bit.

When I move back, she will more than likely go stay with a work friend.

Her family lives over 2 hours away, so I know she won't be going there any time soon.



To be honest, I don't want me moving back in to affect any potential deal she & I can make about the house.

Right now, she says that she is looking for a travel nurse job that might take to Orlando, Tampa, etc. That she can pay for the utilities & the cable tv.
I know that travel nurses get their housing for almost for free or they get some sort of payment for one.

I'm just trying to avoid going to court & having to pay an attorney to handle all this.
I don't think though that if she does want to go to court, all this stuff she has been doing will come out even more.

I can't imagine what that would be. "Your Honor, I believe I should have the house because Jeff :::sniff sniff::: moved back in!!" Um, no. That's her call. The only thing I can think of that requires court dates and attorneys in this case would be a divorce petition. That's what you're trying to avoid, right? Then, GO HOME.

Jeff - what your last email to her, her response and her chat log later in the day show is that she is currently completely in control of the situation, and what is going to happen is in her time, at her choosing and to her advantage.

Can you see how your approach so far has played into her hands?
I think the frustration I have, and what I sense in others, is that you need to take action to regain control. Even if it appears out of character and causes her to get very angry, it gives you some control in the situation.

Move back in. Reclaim your home. It is the marital home, and you are married. Tolerate nothing in the house that is counter to the marriage. ACTION is what is really needed right now not prevarication.

In terms of where she will go, she is a nurse. Nurses can get work anywhere. Hey I notice that the Falkland Islands are short of nurses right now. She wants to travel? How about a small island in the South Atlantic? Or anywhere else in the world for that matter.

You are absolutely right. I have given her everything.
I guess my fear was that if I got her mad, that she drag this out into a contested divorce.
But I don't think she would be wise to do this.
All that has happened would be brought to light again & made public, and she wouldn't want that.


I am done with helping her.
She feels that she can get a job somewhere in Florida & then send me money for utilities & cable tv....

No.....she is going to help pay for the mortgage.
My lawyer told me that we'd have to split the cost as if we were both paying for two places to live. Since the house mortgage is going to be higher than any apartment rent, she will have to pay me.
This is what i am trying to get her to agree to before i make her mad.

You're already preparing for living in two places. This is conceding defeat before the first shot has been fired. Stop doing this. Prepare to live under one roof. Your lawyer is speculating at this point.

Jeff, for some strange reason we get a lot of betrayed husbands who leave their marital home the second their wayward looks cross-ways at them. Then they compound their error by giving their wives money. They meekly wait for their WW to 'allow' them to see their children (which is typically whenever the wife wants a sleepover with her affair partner). They bow, scrape and kowtow to their wayward in the misguided notion that doing so will bring their wayward back to them. They are scared to death of their wayward's wrath.

You know what they get for relying on their fear to guide them? Dumped on.

You have fallen into this trap. Get out of it!

I am moving back in to my house this Friday!

Should I tell her that I am coming?

My family feels that I should at least give her some time to let her know. She works 12 hour days on Wed & Thursday.
Today (tues) is her off day from work.

She is still active on the dating websites. Its hurtful to read her words about what she wants....and what she doesnt want (which is basically me).

----------------
From her profile:

More About Me...
First off...yes, I am separated, but will be single soon....have been emotionally single for a long time though.

I'm a critical care/ICU nurse...have been for about 14 yrs. I would really love to finally do some travel nursing...something I should have done in my 20's, but maybe now is the right time??

I am pretty laid back, but when something is important I'm ontop of things and don't like to slack off and I like someone who is like minded. People think I'm funny....I have to be with someone who can take sarcastic humor and not think I'm putting them down...you must have a strong confidence and be able to laugh at yourself....that's such a good quality! I am so far away from mean spirited its not even funny, so if I ever say something you consider out of line, I promise you I will feel terrible about it.

I am really looking to meet someone who can bring fun, excitement, and spontaneity to my life. I want someone to bring out the best in me and vice versa. It's important to me to find someone who is fairly comfortable in most settings....who won't shy away and clam up just because we are out of his comfort zone. It's healthy to venture outside your comfort zone every now and then. :-)

----------------

Yes I do get uncomfortable in certain settings. But we could have talked about this & worked things out. And yes, there are many issues she has as well that she needs to work on too.
One that I can think of...is boundaries.


But I am tired of all this.
I need someone to keep telling me that I don't deserve this.