How's your homework coming? I'd like nothing better than to see the two of you succeed in building a fabulous new M together.

Neak,

I need help. PLEASE!!!!!! Rocketqueen and I had a talk last night and it was tough. She is having a lot of issues with me. I have been trying to make sure I'm meeting her EN's and feel like im doing a good job of it. But she still isn't happy.

She is having trouble moving on. I had a comment to her that the affair is like a very bad injury and she keeps picking at it keeping it a fresh wound. I told her that we need to get her where she can let it heal the best that it can. It will never heal 100% their will be a scar.

So I need help getting her to the point of not living the injury constantly. How do I get her to heal? What can I do to help us?

THANKS for always trying to help us,
KISS

What just compensation have you given her? Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Have you asked her what she NEEDS from you? Write it down when she tells you?

Kiss, this is one of the most important parts of recovery, how much UA time have you and RQ had every week?

You need to follow the POJA, PORH and POUA. How have you been in these areas?

Hey there kiss. The only information I can give you is from my perspective as a betrayed spouse/wife. I think after readin around here for a while, most of us get that we were a huge part in screwing up our marriages. It isn't just our spouse's fault after all!! You and your wife didn't meet eachother's ENs. That said, your way of dealing with it destroyed everything.

Have you made up for it? Does she know by you working your tail end off to make changes, by your genuine remorse that you are sorry? Ar you walking right beside her in working through her fears every single step of the way to give her strength and build trust? Have you put EP's in place? If you are pulling the "can't really deal with it, don't want to face it, not really showing remorse, just get over it as fast as you can behavior, she will NEVER be able to move past it. You cut her and your marriage as deep as you possibly could. You have to face it, own it, feel how much you hurt her and destroyed her trust in you, and show it and right your wrongs!!! It isn't going to go away for her. Your actions/lack of actions show her how truly sorry you are or are not!!

Yes kiss.

Tell us exactly how much UA you're getting.

An excellent radio clip on just compensation.

Radio Clip on Just Compensation at 5:15 mark

BH, I can't get the radio clips to work on my laptop. What program do I need. I saw you write that answer to someone. I downloaded the latest flash player, real player, adobe, and something else. I don't have any trouble playing anything else. Do you have any advice for me?

Download firefox.

Try that and let me know.

The NC letter is only the beginning. You need to lead the way in developing a whole new lifestyle, a whole new way of thinking, a whole new way of being careful of each other and protecting each other.

I'm not going to throw too much at you all at once, since I want you to be able to answer the excellent questions the others have already asked. I know RQ had asked for you to carry out a list of items to help her begin her healing process.

Where do you stand with the list?

Kiss,

I am in recovery also and have an understanding of RQ's situation based on my own recent experiences. I want to share with you MY experience and perhaps you can find some piece of information that is helpful to you, maybe not.

After a yr of trickle truth and other confessions, my H confessed to a ONS in August of 2010. This would make it almost two yrs ago, and they say it takes two yrs to recover right? I thought on that day, as hurt as I was, that perhaps this would be a new beginning and I would finally have an H who would pull out ALL STOPS to work toward recovery with me. I did not just want this behind us, I was EAGER and excited to move forward and have the marriage I always wanted. Now some of that was shock, it wouldn't have been nearly so easy for me, the queen of resentment, to do that. But the willingness to move forward was there.

In my dreamy state I had visions of my H falling down on his knees, begging me not to leave, promising me that he would fight for me and do everything he could possibly do to keep me and make me the happiest woman alive. I had visions of him calling a MC the very next morning at 8:00 am, pulling out our MB materials and demanding that we spend hours a day working on them, planning a vacation for us to get away from it all to work on our M, posting on these forums to tell everyone what an A he was and to get help to turn this around.

Ya, he did none of that. He said "I will do whatever you want me to do to fix this." And then, he went back to his regular life. I sat stunned, my heart and soul completely shattered by the pain, wondering why he felt so little compassion that he not only did this, but then ignored it and went on with life as if nothing had happened.

I went through some VERY angry phases. I still have a document titled '50 things I hate about you' on my computer (and I went back to amend it and add more). I felt disgust for him, for at least 2 months. I suffered the worse pain I have ever felt, sobbing in the shower every day for months, and throwing up randomly whenever I thought of some other B with her hands on my property. I am not saying I wouldn't have gone through all that, but would it have hurt LESS if he had just been the man I envisioned him being after DDay?

He WAS willing to do the work. If I had come to him with some homework, if I had made an appt with MC, he would have done the work and gone to the appt. But that was not enough for me. I needed HIM to bring the work TO ME. I needed HIM to make the appt with MC. I needed HIM to drive the recovery train, and as much as the wonderful MB posters told me that it didn't matter who drove the train as long as it got back on track, it mattered TO ME. I needed him to fight for me. I needed to know that he wanted ME, after feeling like he didn't for so long, and that he would do whatever he could to keep me here.

I told him a million times that it would not be what he did do, but rather what he didn't that would be the end of us. Gradually over the next year, I became less angry. I became less resentful, less bitter. I became even less sad. I just felt, nothing. I wanted peace from all this. At one time living a life without him seemed amazingly sad and difficult, and gradually it seemed PEACEFUL and safe.

So sometime in the spring, I told him I was done. My LB was at an all time low. I had spent hours praying for God to make me not love him anymore, because I didn't want to feel the pain that loving him costed. Seems like I got that prayer answered, because I felt so...empty. I told him that I would give it the summer, and then I was filing for divorce. I had been so resentful, I hadn't been putting the effort in I needed to, and I wanted to take the summer to do just that, to know I had done everything I could. I thought I could do it if I knew it was going to end soon. I needed an end to this.

I did not think he would turn it around. I gave him the summer for ME, not really for him, I had lost hope that he would ever care enough about me and our M to turn it around. But he did. (So far, summers not over yet...) We have had a great summer and have accomplished more in the last couple of months than we did in the couple of years before that. And it was not because of his 'willingness to do the work.' It was because he decided he did not want to lose me, and he pulled out all the stops to fight for me.

You feel remorse, and you want to get through this and be married to your beautiful wife. But it is going to take more than your willingness to do this. It is going to take you fighting for her. I don't think everyone needs this level of commitment. But I did, and from my following RQ's recovery thread, I think she does too.

I came within a breath away of being completely and totally done, and I still struggle with wanting to throw in the towel any time things start going back to 'normal.' H came very, very close to me walking away with no regrets. RQ is almost where I was, IMO. Your nonchalant attitude toward this is causing that. You have to be more than just willing to do the work, when she stands over you like a school teacher. YOU have to DRIVE. You told her with your A that she is not worth it, that you do not want her. You need to prove to her now that this is NOT the case.

You have a great advantage over many people in your shoes, because you have specific things requested of you. Do they make you uncomfortable? How will being divorced, living alone, and watching your wife date other men make you feel? That is the alternative to posting on this site, making amends with her family, and doing the other 'uncomfortable' things she is asking you to do. YOU OWE HER THIS. This, is what Just Compensation is. You can never erase what you did, but you can fight for her and make her feel like she is worth it.

Are you willing to do this?

If you have questions, you can ask anyone here on this board. You will get the answer. If you have questions about what she wants, you can ASK HER. I am certain she will be excited that you care enough to clarify, as I would have been.

You CAN change this, but you need to do it now. You need to 1) prioritize RQ and your M recovery above ALL ELSE. Before you invest time, energy, thought into anything else you need to ask yourself if there is anything you could instead be doing at that moment for RQ and your M. You need to 2) come to her every week and say 'we need to plan our UA time.' And don't let her walk away until its done. You have been in recovery long enough to recognize the importance of this time. YOU need to drive this, make sure it is done. Also, post on here. I know it isn't everyones cup of tea, but it is important to her that you are getting the feedback. I don't ask my H to post, but I do ask him to read MY posts because I think he can learn from the feedback. He read to page 17 and stopped, (there are now 51 pages), and it made me feel like he didn't care enough to 'read.' How hard is that really? He did, last week, catch himself up after I told him this. Everybody here wants to see you succeed at this, so there is no better place to get support.

OK this is really long and perhaps I lost you long ago. I really want to see you and RQ succeed. It is SO FRUSTRATING, as a BS, to be SO CLOSE to having a complete recovery and amazing M and yet to just not be able to quite reach it. YOU can bridge that gap Kiss, if you choose.

Kiss, you put a shout out for help, and now, we hear nothing but crickets. What's going on? We all want only the best for you and RQ.

We aren't getting nearly enough. We did go out to night for dinner and we went bowling. We had the kids with us and it was a desaster. They didn't listen and they were awful. I was so frustrated I feel that them being so bad all the time is just a huge stress that we don't need.

I just asked my wife to make plans for the week as she is lying here on the couch and she said " ok I will see you Thursday".

So this is my delemma. I work the next two days fro 9:30 AM till 8:30 PM. Then Wednesday from 1pm till midnight. I feel that my job is a huge burden that is making her feel like I don't care about her and that im not putting an effort into us!!!! It is so frustrating I am thinking about quiting but I make good money and I feel financially we will not make it. But i I don't quite I will lose my wife!!!!!

SSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING.

Hey, kiss,

if you aren't getting the time in, then your wife is right. You aren't caring. Your care is just words if it doesn't include the actions outlined on this site.

15-30 hours together alone without kids, weekly.

15 hours together with kids.

You have to make it happen, even if everything else drops, even if you have to move heaven and earth.

AND,

everything you do, all day long, every day, with her or not,

has to be something she is enthusiastic about.

That's care. That's thoughtfulness.

If it doesn't look like this, it's just words.

Looks like those are your two choices, then.

No one said it'd be easy.

kiss,

I was thinking about you on the way in to work this morning.

My feeling is really that you are not serious, and that your wife's emotions are responding to this. Completely rationally.

Why do I say you are not serious? You asked questions days ago, then didn't show back up to read the answers or respond until last night. You only show up here when it seems like things are going bad. You post a bit, then vanish. You aren't making the changes to make things better long term; you are just reacting to your wife's feelings, constantly trying to soothe things over. But because you are reacting moment by moment, instead of working the PLAN, you keep getting into a state where your wife's feelings are negative again. You are causing this, and you aren't getting active and involved enough to find out what LONG TERM CHANGES you need to make so that you can have a positive effect on your wife's feelings ALL THE TIME.

Take a look again at Dr. Harley's four rules for recovery after an affair:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Protection, Care, Time, and Honesty.

You probably think you've been following the program, and you're wondering why it's not working. I'm here to tell you it's not working, because like most people you've got huge blind spots. And in those blind spots are some massive failures to follow the program.

If you are serious, you'll ask your friends (us) to look you over and let you know what you are missing, and then you will correct it.

If you are not serious, you'll just try constantly to keep your wife's feelings at bay, and call this "recovery," and wonder why it's not working. For example, you'll tell her you care about you, maybe bring her flowers or something, tell her you love her, and call this "care," but that's not really following Dr. Harley's rule of care, because you are not spending the time with her that is really necessary for care. Or, you'll conceal things from her or try to fudge the truth, all to "protect" her, because you care about her and want her to feel better after everything horrible you did to her, but that's not really care, because you're not following the Rule of Honesty.

Being SERIOUS involves building a lifestyle that makes your wife thrilled and happy with you all of the time. You are treating it more like giving her a small shot because she is ill. She is not the problem. Your kids being bad is not the problem. You're the problem, friend, and we'd like to help you not be the problem.

I've got a few quotes for you from Fall in Love, Stay in Love, which I use in the FILSIL-based marriage seminar I have done several times at church.




This doesn't mean for everyone to go out and automatically quit their jobs. What it means is that the job is second priority to the M. If the job can't be kept in its place, and the M still be #1, then the job needs to go.

I don't know anything about your job, or if it's possible for you to place boundaries around the time it needs. I do know that no job is more important than M.

Have you psoken to RQ about your job and what your choices may be? This would be a good opportunity to start a POJA convo. This is DEFINITELY something that can not be decided on your own, as it would fall under an IB. Is there a lot of IB in your marriage? That will need to change.