We will have been married 7 years this Dec. Together almost 10.
2nd marriage for both us. He has two grown boys. I never had children. I'm 47, He's 50

I follow and practice Dr. Harley's principles.I work the program as best I can. I love MB! Hub does know of MB but doesn't cognitively work the program.

We love each other deeply. We spend all of our time with each other when not at work. He's my best friend and I am his. We rarely fight.I'm outgoing, he's more reserved and introverted. I just found out that he was sexually abused twice. His Jealousy, mistrust, obsessiveness and inability to rationalize are starting to break me down. I have kept a mental log. These episodes happen 4 to 6 times a year. I say to myself "he's having a spell". This behavior began to manifest in 08. Although looking back in courtship, he is quite insecure (admittedly so) I'm real close to checking out, but would rather fight for our marriage and work through this.

I need some confirmation...my self doubt has crept in...there is something wrong with my precious husband. It's sick to me, it's a deep rooted issue...sigh. I will post more on this when I have more time. Thanks for reading. I'll be back as soon as I can.

Hi, JU2,

Can you elaborate on what his "spells" are like? What specific behavior do you see during these times?

Who is he jealous of? The first solution would be to follow Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement, which would be that if there is anyone in your life that you have contact with that he is not ENTHUSIASTIC about, you eliminate it. That would include specific people, as well as specific types of contact (for example, going to lunch alone with a male coworker).

Dr. Harley's position is that if you carve out any area of life that is an exception to this policy, then that area has the potential to doom your marriage.

Jealousy, mistrust and obsessiveness (I am assuming with jealousy and mistrust, correct me if I'm wrong) are fairly simple to alleviate by being open and accessible, honest and caring.

How did his marriage with his ex end? Did you know each other while married to your former spouses? How did yours end? Was there any infidelity involved in the demise of those marriages?

The "Inability to rationalize" comment is what concerns me the most in your post, along with "I need some confirmation...my self doubt has crept in...there is something wrong with my precious husband." What do you mean by inability to rationalize? He is unable to explain or justify his behavior? Or unable to accept your explanations and justifications?

As for the second sentence quoted, no, we will not confirm that there is something wrong with your husband.

I can tell you this, most people who come here complaining of their spouse's jealousy and mistrust are actively cheating on and/or lying to their spouse. Are you doing that? Do you have a friend at work who he is concerned about or jealous of?

thanks for the replies.

Firstly, I have never had anything to hide, he's always had access to my emails, facebook, phone. There has been no infidelity on either side. His accounts are also available to me anytime.

When we were dating...he'd had just extricated himself from his girlfriend of 7 years...or so he told me. I cut off all contact with my guy friends which he'd asked me to and I have remained cut off. If we we're out in a social setting and if we are out in social setting he gets upset if I have a conversation with or talk to any male. I keep photo albums...free for anyone to look through. There was a picture of a male friend in my album (h and I had been seeing each other 5 months)I went and played golf with this male friend and others. He came across the photos in 08 and relentlessly accused me of stepping out on him when we were dating. For a month, he grilled me...he was obsessed and irrational with the pics. This last episode was a home porn flick. He accused me of being the girl in the video being taken by two black men. I have never in my life. He found a longer version and the chick had a tatoo and a belly button ring. He just gets things in his head and they just spiral out of control with his imagination. I gotta run...I'd like to keep my thread to myself...and he's just home.

So he watches porn? Or was this in your collection?


So...


isn't exactly true, eh?

What specifically does he want you to change about the way you talk to other males? Like if you are at a restaurant, does he get upset if you talk to a male waiter?

I don't look at porn. H has admitted that he has a porn problem/addiction. He told me he was looking for videos where the female looks like me. It makes him in an uproar to think of me as being the person in video, but excites him just the same. My thoughts were that it takes a lot of surfing to find this one where the woman looked very much like me. Too work himself up so bad as to accuse me of being that person and to think I was lieing about the video. How can I lie about something that never happened. He found a longer video that proved it was NOT me.

This is my place CWMI for now. He knows about this website. But I don't want him on my thread right now...if he chose to come here, I'd gladly steer him over here to start his own thread. But for now, I need this place for my eyes only.

Markos, example: when we were first dating, we were in a eatery/bar having a couple burgers during the day...we were at the bar eating and there were other people around. There was a fella at the bar who was foreign and I'd asked him where he was from. Just small talk. I didn't know that I'd upset my man until we got home. He said I disrespected him and that he didn't want his girlfriend talking to another guy. I have seriously altered my outgoing personality in social settings. He has to have my undivided attention. He had a couple coworkers at the house a few evening ago. I cooked steaks, boys played pool inside, I played a couple games. I went outside and one of the coworkers came out to have a smoke and we sat outside and talked for a good 45 minutes. This infuriated my husband. I did nothing wrong. But my H has a insecurity issue that is taking it's toll on our marriage. I walk on eggshells I feel. I don't know what will make him go "spelly" on me. I do know...it's having any kind of conversation with another man...MINUS a Waiter

I'm going to start my individual therapy...I need this to know that I'm not the cause of his insecurities. I meet no strangers, I told my husband when we were first dating that it took a secure man to be with me. I talk to women, children,animals. I was in outside sales all my life. I like people! He's not social. But we complimented each other...I draw him out and he pulls me in. If that makes any sense.

I'm very perplexed

Markos,

To attempt to explain "spells". His ability to rationalize are none existent when he goes into a manic episode. I use manic episode for lack of better terminology. When accusing me of making a porn video he said that he could just move on with me if I would tell him the truth. I told him, in knowing that we could move on in my telling him the truth...why would I continue to deny this video...I can't be dishonest if something never happened. ughhhh, the worst part is that I did look at the video for a few minutes and the woman did look like me. I'm now scratching my head thinking that looks like me. What if I was given some drug in my drink and this happened and I have no recall. But I know...I would have knowledge of some things that lead up to this video. It would also been a horrible defining moment in my life that I don't think I would ever be able to put out of my memory. Does this make sense?

CWMI, to answer your questions. My H had been divorced 8 years before we met. His ex cheated on him. I don't talk to her nor does he. I divorced my ex husband for his inability to keep his zipper up. He cheated on me. I was married to him for 4 years together 7.

He is not capable of accepting my explanations or justification as the truth

okay, I think i've stuffed down a lot of pain that he has caused my heart. I know he'd never ever want to hurt me emotionally and Never would he physically touch me....but I've been in an emotionally abusive marriage. His deep seated insecurities are wearing me out.

How much of MB are you familiar with? If you've read much, then you know that attempting to straighten out your spouse is a DJ. If you know the truth (and that is kind of weird that you would wonder if you were drugged??? Where have you been that it would have been possible?) then all you need to do is tell it, and tell him to knock it off if he AO's.

If he doesn't like you leaving the party to have 45 minute private conversations with men, knock it off. If he doesn't like you chatting up men at bars...knock it off! Is that so hard? I like to talk to my husband. Try that!

Wow, Justustwo!

I really identify with what you are saying (I think ) My H has occasional bouts of insecurity. We are going through this now in fact. I look forward to reading all the advice! I don't have any male friends, myself, and am unsure of how to handle it too, I just try to be patient until it passes.

Hmmm that is strange that this female in this porn looks like you and that you agree too! I just read through your post's more carefully, and I am confused that you would say that you almost wonder if you could have been drugged? What? Do you get yourself into situations where this could ever happen?

Are you thinking your H could have drugged you and had you make a porn? Do you and your H "party" a lot?

My H does have bouts of insecurity, but does not accuse me of making porn or anything like you have described.

CWMI, I'm not attempting to straighten my H out. I'm merely at a point that I don't know if I can continue the marriage the way it is. I'm exhausted defending myself on such absurdity. When I saw the video...I said to him, I can see how you could think that is me...it does look like me, but I've never done this. My logic was "If that is me, which it's not, would mean that I must have been drugged to not have any recollection of this act. I would have been able to remember things leading up to the video. The girl in the video was cognitive of what she was doing" The point here is that is wasnt me, but he worked himself up into a frenzy for 4 days with accusing me.

Tisme, No we don't party, swing or have much of a social life here at all. I like to entertain at my house (very few and far between) as we don't have any close friends here.

My husbands deep insecurity is pushing me away. That's it in a nutshell. He has admitted that he's got a huge problem. He needs to take the steps to get some help.

As far as my going to bars. We don't belly up, that was 10 years ago. I don't have any male friends. I don't have but a few girlfriends from the neighborhood. We moved to a very small town from a big city. The coworkers that were over we're here for a class that my H taught. I just met them. I don't think I did anything wrong by sitting on my back patio enjoying the last of the evening. It wasn't a party either.

I'll admit I might have wondered if my H spent 45 mins talking to someone. But context is important and entertaining at your own home is a bit different. If he doesn't want you talking to men at all then he shouldn't be inviting them to your house when you're there. Then you can talk to him all he wants You're not a caterer who's expected to be seen but not to interact with your guests.

Thing is, though, that none of this matters. MB principles are that you should stop doing things that upset him. Period. The question for you is whether there is enough in the marriage to keep you engaged with that ground rule.

How long has your H had this porn issue? How do you feel about this? Did he have these jealousy issues before he started viewing porn?

It is very strange that he seeks out porn with women that look like you. I just don't know what to make of that. Have you asked him the reason he is doing this?

It almost seems like this may be some sort of strange fantasy for him, but at the same time makes him insanely jealous! Have you asked him to stop with the porn? Dr. Harley says SF should not be met outside of the marriage.

Great radio clips about porn
Radio clip about pornography
Segment #2

**edit**

Yeah, if we had people over and my H spent 45 minutes chatting up some woman away from the rest of us, I would complain about it, and if he called me insecure, I would be very angry about that. But I would go looking for my H before 45 minutes passed anyway.