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Godgivemestrength

I want to thank you for your posts because I see similarities in our situations. I gained a lot of weight in our 19 year marriage (and also lost myself). I've now lost over 40 pounds but have a way to do to get to the weight I want.

I think either PA or SF is my WH's top EN and it sounds silly now but during the marriage I didn't realise just how much gaining weight had affected things. However a lot of the weight gain was due to my unhappiness in the marriage.

I think its too late for WH and me but like you I'm gradually rediscovering myself.


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Married for 19 years (1st marriage)
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Hi Markos,
Yes, I have read the articles on how to recover from infidelity and the basic concepts. I will get to the video soon.

It's kind of an odd situation. . .I had no clue about the affair. I never would have known if he hadn't told me.

About a month ago, he was acting all depressed, and I kept asking what was wrong and he wouldn't tell me. I eventually figured out that it was me, and when I told him that, the flood gates opened up. He told me that although he still loved me, I felt more like a cousin to him than a wife. I had really let myself go. He listed all the things he found unattractive with me (weight being probably the biggest) and said he wasn't sure he could ever get the old feelings back again. I knew that he was unhappy with my appearance, but I had no idea to what extent it was affecting him. After several weeks of working on our relationship without much progress (I had already started the process to have the weight loss surgery in January by the way) he told me he had cheated on me. I was and still am in shock. I never suspected that at all. I don't even know how he found the time to do it! I've tried to pry more information out of him, but he says it's too painful for him. He says he's really ashamed and can't believe he stooped so low. When I've asked who it was with, he always says "it doesn't matter". That makes me wonder if it's somebody I know, but haven't been able to figure it out. It almost has to be someone from work, because he hasn't made many phone calls to any one particular person.

Anyway aside from all that, I don't know how much of my fear is simply a lack of self-esteem. Maybe I shouldn't be so afraid of loosing him. After all, he didn't have to tell me about it. He says she wanted more, but he ended it with her because he wanted to stay with me. He is very depressed right now and at least some of it is guilt-hopefully a lot of it! Since he told me about the affair and I decided to forgive him and try to make it work, things have actually gotten a little better. He seemed genuinely grateful. My frustration is that I feel like I'm the only one fighting for this marriage. I feel like after everything he said and did to me, that he should be working his tail off trying to make things right with me. I'm a little less afraid of losing him today than I was when I originally posted, but I'm still going through a roller coaster of emotions. I guess the depression is a big hinderance, but dang-it, I just want him to fight with me! Make me feel like he wants me back!!

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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Lew Sully, welcome to MArriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I concur with Markos that your husband did not have an affair because of your appearance. He had the affair because he has poor boundaries around women.

A few key questions:

1. has he ended all contact with the OW?

2. is she married, and if so, have you personally informed her husband?

3. has your H been completely open and honest about his affair?

4. have your family members, including children, been informed of his affair?


Melody,
I don't know much about the OW; I don't know how much I should push him either. He really doesn't want to talk about it, and I've been afraid to push him for fear that I will just make things worse. We don't have any kids, so at least that's one thing we don't have to worry about.

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Originally Posted By: LewSully
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss


Question: How much did you weigh when you got married? How much do you weigh now? Your husband has told you that your weight makes him unhappy, so you know that you need to address that.

But understand that he didn't have the right to have an affair because of your weight. That poor choice is totally on him.

Having said that - he's made it clear that your appearance is important to him. Hence my questions.

ETA: What has happened that would cause you "years" to lose the weight?


I gained 80 lbs in the first 3 years of our marriage. I realize we all have a choice. I chose to cope with my stress by eating, and he chose to cope by having an affair. Neither was a healthy choice. I can't help but blame myself to an extent, but definitely realize it was HIS bad choice to cheat. I think now I have the motivation to really make my weight loss surgery work, so hopefully it will come off quickly. I just can't "backslide" or anything. I just keep telling myself "I love him more than food."
What stress were you under? And no, your H didn't have the right to screw around with another woman because HE was 'under stress'. Don't give him that out.

You know one of the best ways to relieve stress? EXERCISE. Truly. (And I'm still not giving your WH an out - stress is NOT an excuse for having an affair!)


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: ManInMotion

The other persons who have responded on your thread focused on your husband's infidelity. I'll choose to focus on the question you raised about meeting the EN of "physical attractiveness", and in particular weight gain.

First of all, from a man's point of view, I can say that some of us can be pretty turned off by any significant weight gain by our spouse. In my case for example, my spouse gained just 15 lbs at one point and it was an immediate turn off for me. I'd go even further and suggest that it can even be a love-buster of sorts if we bring up the subject and nothing happens. From your comments above, it sounds like you gained signficant weight since your M, which was likely a great turn-off for your H. Did he ever mention it before his A? How did you respond?

The good news is that, something can be done about excessive weight gain in most circumstances, and you usually don't have to go all the way back to your pre-M weight to make a positive impact in your spouse. The bad news is, like you suggested, it will take some time. The good news again is that, even though he might not be paying much notice now, he WILL start to pay notice as the effects of your weight loss become more noticeable.

On another note, while makeup and perfume is nice, becoming a "high-maintenance" spouse could be a turn-off for many men, including your H. My W looks great with makeup on, but I actually prefer she keep it as light as possible, and only when we're going out. In fact, that was one of the attributes that I found really attractive about her when we first started being a couple. Happily she agrees with that approach.


ManInMotion,

You bring up a good point. My husband tried to talk me into having the surgery for a couple of years before I agreed to it. I didn't want to admit defeat and admit that I needed help. Although I had no idea the depth to which my weight gain bothered him, I should have made more of an effort and not fought so long. No, that does not give him free reign to have an affair, but I have to wonder what would have happened if I had listened to him sooner.

And don't worry. . .no one would ever think I was "high-maintenance"! smile

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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss


Question: How much did you weigh when you got married? How much do you weigh now? Your husband has told you that your weight makes him unhappy, so you know that you need to address that.

But understand that he didn't have the right to have an affair because of your weight. That poor choice is totally on him.

Having said that - he's made it clear that your appearance is important to him. Hence my questions.

ETA: What has happened that would cause you "years" to lose the weight?



I gained 80 lbs in the first 3 years of our marriage. I realize we all have a choice. I chose to cope with my stress by eating, and he chose to cope by having an affair. Neither was a healthy choice. I can't help but blame myself to an extent, but definitely realize it was HIS bad choice to cheat. I think now I have the motivation to really make my weight loss surgery work, so hopefully it will come off quickly. I just can't "backslide" or anything. I just keep telling myself "I love him more than food."

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Originally Posted By: Godgivmestrength


Today my health reflects a spiritual place I have allowed myself to grow. I treat my body as a temple of Christ. I feed it with God's given nature and try to accommodate it with rest, little stress, and peaceful actions. I found a way to eat that I can live with daily, and I understand as I age I will continuously have to reduce my calorie intake to stay properly fit. My body is 80% food and 20% exercise. Not sure why ... but it is just the way I am.


Godgivesmestrength,

Congratulations on your weight loss! Hopefully I'll be as successful as you. I'm similar-eating is my coping mechanism. However, I wasn't eating my marriage, I thought my marriage was pretty great. But I was working a full-time job while in graduate school, he was unemployed, I had undiagnosed sleep apnea, and it just snowballed. I would tell myself "I deserve to eat this." What I know now is that I don't deserve fried chicken and french fries, I DESERVE TO BE HEALTHY! It's really hard to change that mindset, but I'm making progress.

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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
What stress were you under? And no, your H didn't have the right to screw around with another woman because HE was 'under stress'. Don't give him that out.

You know one of the best ways to relieve stress? EXERCISE. Truly. (And I'm still not giving your WH an out - stress is NOT an excuse for having an affair!)


Maritalbliss,
No, I'm not excusing him, just trying to understand and change the conditions that were contributing factors. I can't fix everything, but I'll fix everything I can!

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I'm sure the vets will get to it, but you need to know exactly who OW is, and go through the normal steps like exposure, polygraph etc. You deserve to have all the information about what's been going on in your life and he needs accountability. I'll leave it at that for now.

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Originally Posted By: Wonderingif
I'm sure the vets will get to it, but you need to know exactly who OW is, and go through the normal steps like exposure, polygraph etc. You deserve to have all the information about what's been going on in your life and he needs accountability. I'll leave it at that for now.


I'm going to second this. There is absolutely no way you can even begin to recover your marriage until you have all of the facts regarding the affair. For all you know, your H could still be in contact with the OW. If it was someone at work, and they still work together, there is no way you will ever recover. Your H could very well still be involved with the OW, or at the very least, if they still work together, he will be constantly triggered every time he sees her.

Your question about meeting your H's need for PA is the least of your worries. You are putting the cart way before the horse. First, you need to find out who the OW is and get all of the details of the A. Then, you need to make sure your H is no longer in contact with this OW. He needs to write a No-Contact letter and commit to a plan of recovery. I would focus on those things for now.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Originally Posted By: writer1
Your question about meeting your H's need for PA is the least of your worries. You are putting the cart way before the horse. First, you need to find out who the OW is and get all of the details of the A. Then, you need to make sure your H is no longer in contact with this OW. He needs to write a No-Contact letter and commit to a plan of recovery. I would focus on those things for now.


If we are to assume that her H is still wayward (which I would assume, seeing that he's still being secretive about the OW), isn't the standard suggestion to Plan A, which means meeting her wayward spouse's primary needs? And if one of those primary needs is PA, then shouldn't be at or near the TOP of her concerns, not the "least of her worries"?


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Originally Posted By: Wonderingif
I'm sure the vets will get to it, but you need to know exactly who OW is, and go through the normal steps like exposure, polygraph etc. You deserve to have all the information about what's been going on in your life and he needs accountability. I'll leave it at that for now.


This is your FIRST priority. If he wants to remain with you after putting you through so much deceit, he has to start being honest.

Go to him immediately and tell him you want full details about the OW and Radical Honesty. Any Qs about the affair you want answered must be answered in full. In fact tell him to write you out a timeline of how everything happened including the details you request.

You should also install snooping tools as he still is not being fully honest with you.

You are doing well cleaning up your side of the street by working out and dieting etc, so don't let his excuses about PA and stress distract you from keeping you bar high.

You ARE meeting his PA need by putting together a plan to lose weight and doing the work of that plan. A willingness to meet needs and embarking on a plan is the same thing as meeting needs. A woman with FS support is happy to go without cash while her husbands trains for a higher paid job. that's what you're doing with your weight loss, so he is just making excuses now.

If HE were doing the work of the recovery plan, that would be enough for you wouldn't it? Even though it takes a few years to achieve recovery.

So if you are willing to wait a few years for recovery healing after such a traumatic incident, he should be willing to wait for the results of your PA plan.

Even the dumbest wayward will notice and say to themselves 'well she is going to the gym a lot more'.

You won't recover from this unless you keep your bar high and insist on RH and that he follow the plan.

Have you read up on exposure? That will be perfect for shaking him out of his comfort zone.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: writer1
Your question about meeting your H's need for PA is the least of your worries. You are putting the cart way before the horse. First, you need to find out who the OW is and get all of the details of the A.


I couldnt agree more with this.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: LewSully
My husband tried to talk me into having the surgery for a couple of years before I agreed to it. I didn't want to admit defeat and admit that I needed help. Although I had no idea the depth to which my weight gain bothered him,


Exactly. At any point, he could have told you HONESTLY how much his PA need was bothering him and he only hinted at it. If he had told you it was making him consider leaving the marriage and finding someone else, you would have listened and responded to that RH at any point.

We need RH in order to understand what needs doing, and what is a priority.

He stil refuses to give you RH about OW and that means you will be forever working in the dark, unsure of whats happening.

I would do the following:

1) install snooping tools so you can verify what is happening while your H is not bneing honest
2) tell him you require full details and RH. I would say things to the effect of "I wil not stay in a secretive marriage" or "I will not be in adishonest marriage"

If he gives you grief about not meeting his PA need, smile brightly and say something like "I am so excited about my weight loss plan. Do you want to go away somewhere and celebrate my goal weight?"

Of course you should keep up your PA efforts (it'll keep you happier for one thing) but the real problem is his lack of RH and remorse.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Here you go.

Exposure 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: ManInMotion
Originally Posted By: writer1
Your question about meeting your H's need for PA is the least of your worries. You are putting the cart way before the horse. First, you need to find out who the OW is and get all of the details of the A. Then, you need to make sure your H is no longer in contact with this OW. He needs to write a No-Contact letter and commit to a plan of recovery. I would focus on those things for now.


If we are to assume that her H is still wayward (which I would assume, seeing that he's still being secretive about the OW), isn't the standard suggestion to Plan A, which means meeting her wayward spouse's primary needs? And if one of those primary needs is PA, then shouldn't be at or near the TOP of her concerns, not the "least of her worries"?


She will have no trouble losing weight on the infidelity diet, will she? frown

She has a great carrot, so the carrot is the least of her worries. She needs a better stick, so she needs to worry about that.

I would say this is the least of her worries because it is HANDLED. As indiegirl describes, there is a plan in place here, and this is being addressed. There's not a lot of additional work needed on attractiveness other than to work the plan. The more pressing problems are disrupting the affair, because if the affair is not disrupted it won't matter how much weight she loses.

Dr. Harley says that for many people, Plan A can be only about demonstrating WILLINGNESS to meet emotional needs, because the spouse in an active affair usually is not open to love bank deposits from their spouse. It is important, especially for women, to understand that they should not destroy themselves in an all out attempt to meet a wayward's emotional needs at all cost.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Lets remember that Plan A lasts only three weeks...

So no Plan A should see anyone lose 80lbs!!!

But you can pledge to.

Anyway it wasnt serious enough for him to ever consider leaving. It's just justification for the A and his subsequent moodiness and failures in not healing her.

Snooping and exposure are the priorities!


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: indiegirl


Anyway it wasnt serious enough for him to ever consider leaving. It's just justification for the A and his subsequent moodiness and failures in not healing her.



It feels like I'm walking a tightrope. I guess since I'm supposed to expect 3-6 months of him being in a bad mood and not really being receptive to any love bank deposits I try to make then his behavior at this point is normal? He is a textbook case of depression right now. I have seen moments of true remorse, but it just seems to me like if he wronged me so much, he should be bending over backwards to try and make me feel better.

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Quote:

It feels like I'm walking a tightrope. I guess since I'm supposed to expect 3-6 months of him being in a bad mood and not really being receptive to any love bank deposits I try to make then his behavior at this point is normal? He is a textbook case of depression right now. I have seen moments of true remorse, but it just seems to me like if he wronged me so much, he should be bending over backwards to try and make me feel better.
Lew, until you know who the OW is and have exposed this affair you will remain in limbo. He's going to cake-eat. What have you done about exposing this affair?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Lew, please take a look at:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

Dr. Harley says you can't win against the affair in Plan A by only making love bank deposits. It is important to do everything possible to disrupt the affair and hasten it to an early end.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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