My H and I got married in May 2012. Sometime after we got married he started having an affair. This would be his 4th affair!! The year before we got married was almost perfect. My trust was completely renewed in him, I never thought he would break our wedding vows; I know that sounds crazy since he cheated on me so much before that. So now he keeps going back and fourth, he wants to be married but he does not want to give up the OW. He did call her last night in front of me to tell her goodbye, but I'm sure when he left he called her right back. He tells me he wants to do all the things to make me trust him again but then when it comes time to do them he gets pissed and says he doesn't want to be "punished." To make matters worse, one day I came home to find the OW walking up to my house to talk to him b/c he hadn't talked to her in 3 dyas! I ended up chasing her down the block I was so mad. Now she is getting a protection order against me, even though she came to my house! I feel like I should just give up. I've been married 2 1/2 months . I don't want to be divorced but what other options do I have?? I'm so sad.

Hello 6877. I am sorry that you are going through this in your marriage. I know the pain you must be in.

You have found the right place for help 6877. The pros here will give you the best of advice. Please listen to it!!! Some of it will be difficult to read/accept/do, but it is necessary. -This site is to help you recover your marriage. If that isn't a possibility, then they will help you heal YOU!!!!

First, I have to say that your H is expecting to have his cake and eat it too. That is NOT marriage. Where do you draw the line? You have to draw your line, and then hold him to it. If this isn't the kind of lifestyle you want, and he won't stop, then the best thing for YOU is to not remain in the marriage. You deserve better than what he is providing you. Stop thinking about his feelings here. Turning outside of your marriage is not going to help him negotiate and build a good and solid marriage with you!! It is hard work. It seems that he is out for the "feel good" fun part of relationships. I would be VERY careful here. YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM!!!! He will lie, hide, do whatever it takes to do whatever it is he wants to do. You have to take a stand NOW. Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth!!! He is doing exactly what he wants to do. Proof is in his actions, not his words!!! You have to protect yourself from the abuse he is giving you. Affairs, exposing you to her, not wanting to give her up, that is ABUSE!!! If he is the kinda guy that expects you to accept that - RUN!!!!!!! Completely unacceptable!!!!

I will let the pros guide you with all of their wonderful knowledge and advice.

Right now, he should choose you, be willing to learn the steps here to build a strong, affair-proof marriage, or he should move out and give you time to gather yourself and make a decision.

Stay strong. You deserve the best of love and happiness for yourself. Don't settle for anything less.

6877,
Take some time and familiarize yourself with the basic concepts (various links on the site). MB philosophy may be unlike any others you have experienced, although many of the concepts might sound familiar as well. Dr. Harley has managed to present an approach to marriage which is extremely successful in creating (and recreating) a romantic relationship in which both members are very much in love with each other.

Your situation involves adultery. Therefore it would best be addressed by folks who are going through the same thing, have been through it, and/or are experts in applying Dr. Harley's specific techniques for dealing with infidelity.

Hit the "notify" button on your original post and ask the moderators to move your thread over there if you'd like.

Meanwhile, don't dispair. All is not lost. Many of us have experienced this horror and have come out the other side better people, one way or another. With the information at this site, and guidance from good folks like LittleBit and many many others, you will learn about how to manage your situation.

You've come to the right place.

~optimism

This is a marriage that should have never happened. 2.5 MONTHS and his first affair (and obviously 3 times cheating on you as a dating couple, 3 times *that you know of*).

This man married you probably because he knew that he could continue the lifestyle afterwards. The home/wife/(future) family and his fun on the side.

I don't think you need to "give up", I think you need to admit to yourself that you made a mistake in marrying this man. Nobody should have to face this after 2.5 MONTHS, good grief!

And feel free to hang your copy of the protection order on the wall in a pretty little frame. The nerve!

I'd say that the asterisk means the following:

You just now found about this, but $100 says that he's been cheating on you for your entire marriage.

I'd speak to an attorney about a divorce/annulment.

6877,

Did you and your husband live together before marrying? If so, how long? How old are you and your husband?

AM

I would get out quick before you have kids with this guy. He is so obviously NOT marriage material. You can get this dissolved with an annulment.

I don't want to be divorced but what other options do I have??

With the level of maturity and commitment shown by your WH, none.

I'm so sad.

Kick scumbucket into your history, and your sadness will slowly dissipate.

Thanks, I know all this is true, and I should leave. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me....
I'm sure he was cheating on me the whole time, I don't doubt that for a second.
We have been together for 6 years. He is 31 and I am 34. He is the only area of my life that I can't make a good decision in. I obviously am just as sick as him, just in a differant way b/c who stays with someone that cheats that many times. No one normal!

I obviously am just as sick as him, just in a differant way b/c who stays with someone that cheats that many times.

Do you NOT see the vital, critical, difference, my friend?

You now understand, and accept, that there is a problem in your approach to mate selection and accommodation.

It is very unlikely, given his history, that he ever will.

It's hard for you because you are a good woman who wants a happily married life. And you deserve that.

Divorce this bottom-feeder and free yourself up for a man who actually deserves you.

Hey there 6877. I really hope you think long and hard about investing any more time, effort, ANYTHING into your marriage with this man. Cut ties. He is not marriage material and has done nothing to deserve you. You haven't invested that much of your life in this. In this short time, you have had to endure 4 affairs!!!! That had to take most of the time anyway? Clearly, he hasn't invested much into the relationship and marriage with you as he is out giving himself to everyone else!!!!

Don't even think about it being hard for you!! No co-dependent, I'll stand by my man thinkin here!! Care more for yourself than to allow this kind of disrespect for you as a woman, a wife, and break free of this hell you are in. Don't hold on b/c the ship is sinking now. Save yourself. You don't want to be living like this a year, two years, 5 years, 10 years from now do you?

Also, spend a lot of time on this website studying and reading about what makes for a good relationship. Build your relationship skills here for a couple of years, then you will be better able to pick a suitable mate.

You now know that you have some issues that you need to work on. I love the quote, "When you know better, you do better." I think this applies to you!!!!

hello 6877 and welcome to MB. i'm sorry, but from what you've posted here, you have unfortunately married a serial cheat who sees cheating as a lifestyle choice, ie isn't cut out for M. the best decision you can make for yourself is to leave the M now, before you are back next year with a child, or later with even more children, where you will feel trapped and unable to leave and miserable.

it is good you have seen the light so early. while MB is about building Ms, it doesn't appear you two have any foundation with which to restart. he failed the husband test miserably (at least 3x cheating), and yet you married him! however, you have invested very little time in the M at this point. if you are worried about your friends or family thinking it's odd to leave a M so quickly, please don't be. be honest with them and you will be supported. my very best and heartfelt advice to you is to get out now. i'm sorry.

I agree with all of the above posters, 77, and I thought you might hear that sentiment here from very experienced folks.
I also agree with LittleBit above, and second it again. You've come to the right place to give you the tools to understand what happened, analyse it in a different light, and make choices based on facts and proven theories; not the WORDS of your wayward husband.

I will also depart with my colleagues above for one notion. I would say that all marriages can be saved. Per Dr. Harley, with the right effort, patience, focus on the right things, any two people can fall in love and maintain that in-love feeling for each other. So, that gives you another reason to familiarize yourself with the concepts here - you may consider trying to sell WH on the idea of developing a romantic, exclusive relationship with you. At the very least, this would give you the experience of talking about MB with a potential life partner; which I would recommend in any relationship either now or in the future.

good luck sevenseven.
opt

File for divorce and be thankful that you are filing now instead of 10 years from now.
AND read the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders.

Hello; 6877

Do you have any children?

Do you have quality cross training shoes? I mean, HOW fast can you run from this person?

Please read this.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

I appreciate all the responses. My WH is agreeing to learn and follow MB. So on that note, I will be agreeing to try to build something positive here. Although, yes he has had several affairs, this last one was differant. I really had stepped out of the marriage and was not meeting very many of his EN. He repeatedly asked me to meet some of them but for some reason I really just refused, actually I was letting my two best friends meet all of mine and I was giving them all of their's, there was nothing left for me to give my WH. I really do believe anyone can change if they want to. I know I can't change him or make him do what's right. This will be the last time, I've instructed my friends to have an intervention on me if this happens again and I want to go back :-). In fact, being without him in this house for 3 weeks has made me realize I can do this on my own, and it's my choice to work this out. I will be following and learning all about this MB website. Even if my H and I don't work it out. It really was a blessing I found it; such great information. I'm sure I'll be posting along the way about our journey, don't give up on me....

He shows you absolutely no respect. Never has, never will. File for divorce. Get out of this before days become months become years. You deserve a man who really loves you and treats you like a wife and life partner.