MrEureka. I have an idea..... I have read your thread, and am amazed at how wonderfully you and your wife have turned this around and saved your marriage. Forgiveness is a gift we give to others who are truly repentent and a gift we give ourselves so we can let it go. You have done beautifully, built a loving, strong marriage together. What I am sensing from your most recent posts is fear. Fear that she could somehow, someway, sometime possibly ever do something like this again. It hurt so badly the first time, that you never EVER want it to happen again. Fear is not from God. It is from the devil who does not want you to be happy in your marriage. You will NEVER figure it out. It happened b/c needs weren't being met somewhere (ETA - and of course - poor boundaries around opposite sex.) You can make sure you are meeting each others EN's, POJA, spending time together, putting boundaries in place, doing all the things you are supposed to be doing. Let it go!! Every time you think about it, have a mantra that you tell yourself. For example, "We are NOW meeting eachother's emotional needs and have a stronger marriage than ever." The moving on, let it go posts from others don't tell you HOW to let it go and move on. I don't either, but I hope that you can somehow trust where you are now - trust yourself. You have saved your marriage, now enjoy it with out any fears or reservations. You can't fear or predict the future. You can just completely enjoy the gifts of love and the marriage you have now. You have the EP's in place. Now, LIVE in it!!! I think if you can do that, you will be able to relax a little and just LIVE.

Thank you.

Do you ever journal?

Dr. H recommended for me to journal. I was, but then going back and rereading and he told me not to keep going back. Write it down, get it out and throw it away if I can't stop from rereading and obsessing.

Hey. You are welcome. Was I even close? Your name reminds me of an area that I used to vacation and camp in the summers when I was a child. Eureka Springs. Have a great day Mr. E!!

You are so close, it is outright spooky.

My wife picked "Eureka" when she started this thread last year. She hasn't posted for a long time and has forgotten her login. I went with mrEureka just to make the association obvious. I would rather be "Viper2". (I can see the need to build up the brood.)

I don't have a habit of journaling for myself. My wife and I maintained a journal for 17 years for our autistic son. My wife has a personal history of journaling. She sent me a psalm she wrote yesterday that I wish I could pass on. She is very good at expressing what she is thinking in writing. I, less so. I'm afraid if I took up journaling, I would bore even me.

This hits home mrEureka. I also cannot stop "processing" something until it makes sense to me. I too felt the need to talk about it because I just couldn't make sense of HOW did you do that. I understand the boundary thing but what about the moral compass part?

My FWH had always been a caring sensitive person. He is usually the only one crying at kids movies, tv shows, and even sporting events. How does someone like that actually start having an affair with a supposed family friend and even start bringing it into the home and carrying on right in front of everyone. What the heck???? How does a once good person start to look you in the eye and repeatedly lie and do things to destroy their family. That was incomprehensible to me.


I could never feel safe until I figured out the HOW.



MrEureka. Stop to think of a heroin addict or any other addict for that matter. They will lie, steal from their beloved mothers and even their kids to feed their addiction. The addiction takes over their lives and rules their every action even at the expense of total destruction to everything and everyone they love.


Affairs are an addiction. A very powerful addiction just like any other addiction. It rules the addict's life.


Looking at it those terms helped me to comprehend the incomprehensible...how he was able to ignore his moral compass.


You sound like you are on the right path. Tomorrow is another day. Keep working the MB Plan and you will get there.

LB3 - Good insight, better advice, EXCELLENT presentation.

Since you're such a good student of MB you've probably already seen these?
Can't we Just Forgive and Forget #1
Can't we Just Forgive and Forget #2
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget #3

I POJAed this one and got permission, so the following is authored by my wife:

We read a Psalm every night during our devotion, and I have noticed several trends. 1. The psalmist asks God for forgiveness. 2. Praises for God for his awesomeness. 3. Pleas for protection from enemies. 4. Punishment of unbelievers and personal foes.

Eureka's psalm for today:

I am sorry for my moodiness today, Lord. Really, there is nothing wrong in my life right now. My health is fine, my finances are fine, my marriage and home life are fine, and my work is fine. Fine, fine, fine. Forgive me for being disrespectful of all this �fineness�. So often, when I come to you, there is a true issue. Today, I have just a feeling of blahness. I also feel that my life is getting no closer to my goals of finding a new job and relocating. I desperately want to get away from this place where so many bad memories reside.

But you have delivered me from a horrible fate: separation from my loved ones, from my home, from my work. You kept me in a good way by bringing MrE and I closer than ever. I feel awed by your total regard for me and my needs. You kept me safe from something that would have most likely led to suicide. That is not drama talking, that is the truth. I am healthy and whole and I have a path to lead me out of this life I live now to what I know will be a better one because You have provided it.

Save me from my feelings of unworthiness, restlessness, and middle-aged angst. Preserve my life so that I may be a blessing for Your sake. Help my whole life to be a witness to Your goodness and mercy and endless love for Your children. Keep me from falling victim to my vices, especially my need to be admired and included.

Lastly, Lord, I ask you to punish those who would harm my family. Grant me the strength and endurance to be the warrior you need me to be to fiercely protect what is mine. Give me courage to see myself as others see me so that I may not be led astray by evil ones on Earth or the Evil One below. Give me trust that you will ultimately do all that needs to be done and that I can let you simply be God.

Thanks for sharing Mr and Mrs. Eureka.

Did you know the Harleys wrote a couples devotional? It's called Draw Close

They sent a copy of "Draw Close" to us for being on the radio show.

They are correct. You won't figure it out. Because you are trying to make sense out of non-sense. Stop trying to figure it out. That will defeat you every time and distract you from recovery.

I think this is an intimate act of true love. Many would give much to have this sort of intimacy in their marriage.

Let me tell you about something that happened yesterday when I went to my wife's work to pick her up. There is an older guy there, let's just call him POS, who I have identified as potential trouble. My wife works in a female-dominated profession, so when some guy chooses to work there, there is always that chance that he is after something. POS likes to avoid work by hanging around the women and talking. He likes to comment on how they dress. I think he is a jerk.

Yesterday, my wife was the supervisor in charge of locking the place up. As I am waiting around for the last of the customers to leave, POS asks he if he could help me with something. The other employee with POS starts laughing, and says " Don't you know, that's mrE, Eureka's husband". From that point on, POS *refused* to give me eye contact!

This guy does not know who he is dealing with. "Go ahead, make my day."

What does Mrs E say about POS employee?

AM

She avoids him, and we have had many discussions about him. He is no threat to us as long as we maintain RH and transparency. But it is an incentive to me to stay alert, and both my wife and I are counting the days when she can leave that job.

That definitely looks and sounds like recovery to me.

AM

Ditto!!

And Mr. E., I think POS employee knows who his messing with hence " can't be a man and look you in the eye".

My wife tells me that she plans to start posting again. She had to start a new login as mrsEureka because she doesn't remember how to go back to her old one. Actually, I like the symbolism - it's appropriate to how much we have changed since last year.