******************EDIT******************

Also, since it appears you are in a 'traditional' marriage setting, it is important from a financial perspective that you get your ducks in a row so to speak regarding financial resources, and most family attorneys know what to do in this regard. If in fact your WH has been 'planning' for some time to continue in life w/o you, you are already behind in some regards. Most attorneys can move quickly to maint! ain status quo, but you should have one on board now to protect your family. And by the way, your adult special needs son should not have any SSDI or Medicaid issues/concerns as it relates to your and your WH's issues.

Okay, guys. All involved parties are now at the plant and there's nothing more to see for now. Surveillance will continue this evening. Everything I already thought is being confirmed, and more weirdness I'd never believe. WS hid my car (he's driving while I'm out of town) in her backyard and put a dog house behind it to hide the license plate while the rest of the car was showing and he himself sat out in the yard with these 2 women (sisters) and all their kids. RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY FRIEND'S HOUSE. Who alerted me, took videos, and I got the PI over there. This within minutes of the PI telling me he got my money gram payment. Pisses me off totally he has been hanging out with these women and their kids all year while ignoring his own! PI was unable to tell WHO was doing WHO, they were all chummy and he was the only man. Also, my friend told me the OWs car and kids have been staying there lately so it looks like they are all living there together!

I saw from the bank account he went to the doctor, I guess to get on antidepressants like he said he would. Well, he is going to need them so I hope they work. He may be severely mentally ill. From what I have so far it certainly seems like it.

I am not sure about work exposure. I bet everyone knows anyway. The PI said we would go over all angles in case I want to pursure it at the end of the investigation. He also said their team can help me confront my husband if I want to, they will help me find a viscious bulldog of a lawyer (my words), etc.

I don't think I WANT reconciliation even if he does cry and beg after his dirt is revealed. There has been too much, too long, too disgusting and dispicable to overcome. I think. I DO want to destroy their relationship/s because there is no way those skank ho dogs will be anywhere around my children. Who don't want to be around them/him anyway. Good job, dude, trade your nice family and the love of your children/wife for opportunistic sluts. He is not going to have much money to share with them so good thing they are splitting everything 2 or 3 ways, huh?



HELP!!! We have a joint bank account his paycheck should be automatically deposited into Friday the 17th. Trying to figure out the best way to take out most of the money before he does. We still have an out of state bank account after the move. He has no checkbook and doesn't know how to do online banking. He has only a debit card with $500 a day limit. I noticed fund transfer options, pop money, paypal, on my online banker site. IDK. I want To get out as much money as I can before he does and put it in the account I secretly opened last week.

I was willing when we talked before to do a fifty-fifty split of the money last payday when he said he was "thinking" and we were in counseling but now all that's off. WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST? I can't go change his direct deposit to my bank. I thought I'd pull out the $500 ATM cash, maybe do some cash-back transactions at walmart, but I want to take out almost all his check because IDK what he'll do on money. he was never even interested in money before and has no idea what things cost or what it costs to live. So even if he's been vaguely planning something, I don't think he knows exactly what he can do yet, besides maybe change his direct deposit to a secret account of his own. Let's hope he doesn't think of that yet.

I know this is sloppily asked and planned but I sincerely need ideas for help on this.

I wonder if she left her husband and it "forced" him to have to leave us. Instead of just cake eating. He looked awful and cried a lot while at home near the end. Hope I get a better picture of all events.

I feel really good about the investigator and that we will get something this weekend, WS is so bold, overconfident, swaggering, and stupid. He will never in a million zillion years think I would do this!

I DO have both their facebook friends lists copied. My friend/OW's cousin said both OWs parents are dead. I'm planning to expose to his parents and sisters, friend list. His older Sis will help me and probably be my IM for Plan B. Otherwise I have no idea who I could burden with that. But I definitely want no contact myself.

I want to get the legal proof of adultery and get to a lawyer. Do I do this before I confront, before I expose? What is the order? I TRIED to get the book but couldn't so waiting on my ebay order.

Yeah, I want to get through Plan A and into B. NO CONTACT WITH THE SORRY [censored].

I know I am emotional. Please offer any thoughts or advice.

I don't even know when I will talk to him. Is this the order of things? Get proof, get legal, confront and give letter? Or expose first? Simultaneously on same day? Go to Plan B?

Haven't talked to him since last Friday.

My kids are suffering, especially my 12yo daughter.

Will try to check back later today.

Thank you,
MM

P.S. I do feel I need help in all this, but am I in the right place, lol? It's called "Marriage Builders". I am not thinking about Recovery at this time!!!

But thank you all so much.

This is nuts.

MM

MM, the book does not have anything in it about exposure but we can help you here with that. I would get your evidence from the PI and start planning your exposure. You do need to expose to the OW's facebook contacts and most especially her husband. In your situation, a workplace exposure is going to be criticall to your success so I would gather all your information for that. It is going to take a nuclear exposure to kill this affair since it has gone on so long, so I don't think you will be successful without the workplace exposure.

I would also find an attorney and file for separation in order to get financial protection. Do you know a good attorney?

And don't worry about Plan B right now. Focus on exposure and getting a good attorney.

When will the PI be sending your evidence?

You don't have to make any decisions right now. If you focus on killing the affair, you can take your time in making a decision.

You don't need to see a lawyer in order to expose the affair, but I would get into see one as soon as you can so you are protected financially. You don't want to be in a position where he withholds income.

Do you live in a state where one can file separation? Do you live in a fault or no fault state where adultery is taken into account?

Perhaps the 17th should be your Dday so to speak. Since you are new here and learning, waiting on the book, waiting on the PI information and getting your ducks in a row financially (with the 17th being the best day for you to get your hands on a whole paycheck) waiting one week in order to really expose this affair and, perhaps, confront your WH is the right call.

Whether he's worth fighting for or not is irrelevant right now. YOU work the MB program and take the steps necessary to protect yourself emotional, physically, legally and financially and together we'll see if your husband can redeem himself, repent and atone for his sins to you and your family or NOT....either way YOU are going to make it.

Mr. Wondering

Yeah, I wanted the lawyer to take care of the financial as soon as possible. I'm headed home Monday, but my son is starting new treatment so I will be tied up Tuesday and Home health Nurse is coming Wednesday, so Thursday seems the first chance I'll get to even get an appointment. It can wait as long as I can pull the money out on payday before he does.

In my state they have no fault, but I know you can get a D faster if there's adultery. I need to stay married awhile to at least keep his health insurance I guess because I'm supposed to have surgey soon! IDK, I had planned to just do the separation and let HIM be the instigator of an actual divorce. But that may change if I get the legal proof and the money will work out somehow. They do have separation in my state.

I think the PI is right and we'll have the intel this weekend. I hope and pray. If I confront WS, I think he will have a nervous breakdown. And THEN he might finally start to think this is a very bad idea.

Do I need to start planning the "letter"? And yes, plan the friend/family exposure. No one can get me info or find any on the OWs husband. The PI was going to find out if they are still together today. If they are already separated/divorced do I still expose to him? I was hoping he might attack WS. j/k!!! But really, looks like he's out of the picture or at least as clueless and shut out as I was.

What about the money Friday? ideas? I looked for a thread but didn't see. I gotta get out of here and see how my kids are doing.

Thanks again,

MM

MM, I think MrW gave you great advice. Shoot for exposure next week when you have access to his paycheck. That will give you time to get all your letters ready and get your finances protected. You need this time to get everything put in order and do the most strategic exposure possible.

And yes, you should expose to the OW's husband regardless of their marital state. It may very well be that her affair with your husband caused their breakup and he can use that intel in his divorce action.

Agree with your plan on divorce. Just focus on getting legal protection for now and worry about divorce later.

BTW...I am sorry you are going through this. Even though you were 100% certain about what was going on, the PI reports and communications confirming it with actual video and photos is awfully hard to endure. That's one reason why Dr. Harley only encourages women to do Plan A for 4 weeks or so....because any longer and the betrayed wife won't much care about recovery at all. Plan B is designed to protect you from exposure to the Wayward such that you are safe emotionally and can start getting used to the idea of being on your own AND, just in case WH wakes up, you may still have love enough remaining to TRY to repair the marriage.

Perhaps the 17th, 18th or 19th should be your Plan B day too. Give it a day or two to TRY to slip in some final Plan A stuff as the fallout from exposure next friday sinks in and then, wham Plan B letter removing yourself from the drama.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks, Will update later I hope.

MM

madmomma --

please expect a roller coaster! One moment you will be "done", the next you will be sad, the next angry. Your emotions will be all over the place. That is why it is so important to have a PLAN. Do not let your emotions lead you, follow a logical proven plan.

So, if you cannot deal with him at the moment without revealing your state of mind -- avoid him. In the moments you are feeling stronger make some plan A attempts. Maybe send him a text about missing him. Or maybe some casual banter about the kids or funny things they've said. Avoid face-to-face or phone calls if it will reveal your true emotions.

Keep your cards VERY close right now.

Get your evidence, plan your exposure (do it all in one swoop!) and get your ducks in a row for financial protection.
Start planning for Plan B if you think you're going there.

If you need money, go to the bank Friday morning and withdraw. You need money for groceries and what have you, I'm sure. You can call the bank now and see when direct deposits hit. They should hit am. I would not attempt to change the Joint account until you have spoken with a family lawyer. Jurisdictions (Judges) all over the country and even within the same courhouse react differently to such things.

Your family lawyer will help on this. Larger employers will be under COBRA affording at least the option to continue health insurance....uninterrupted, but at a costs.

You CAN file for divorce and then once the temporary orders are in place advise your attorney to delay the case as much as possible thereafter. Most waywards aren't in a hurry so you could stay in the system well over a year in most states if you want to. It gets really easy to make it appear that "they" (WH and his attorney) are delaying everything as they will try to settle the case without discovery and you just keep sending interrogatories and Requests for Depositions that they'll avoid.

No matter what you do, think twice about settling with a wayward BEFORE deposing them or at least documenting the affair through interrogatories and admissions or else, within three years the divorce, as far as they tell the story, everything will become all your fault. They will be free from ever having the documented facts out there to dispute their lies, thus enabling them to make any claim about their divorce (and subsequent relationship with the Other Person) that they want. The whole thing becomes a "he said...she said" situation where even your children (who want a relationship with both of you) get sick of officiating what really is the "Truth". Waywards hate the truth...so you've got to document it and the legal process of divorce is typically your only shot.

**Even your PI reports and proofs will only show ONE or TWO days in the life of your WH. In the future, he could just claim that was when he was separated and had already moved on from his mean and impossible to live with ex-wife. The legal process gives you the chance to depose and ask him ANY question you want about his adultery...from beginning to end hopefully filling in many of the question marks that remain and allowing your mind peace as you move forward with your life.


Mr. Wondering


p.s. - Last thing. Family Lawyers are great but their job is to help you through the divorce process. They don't "save" marriages and families. If I were you, I wouldn't even discuss "Exposure" with him/her because they will try to talk you out of it as it's not conducive towards moving you (and your WH) towards a amicable settlement. It'll make their job harder. I think it's better to tell him/her AFTER you've done it, have him/her admonish you and then you stop. If anyone ever makes a big deal about the exposure being vindictive you can play dumb and act like it was a mistake. Once the cat is out of the bag...you won't care. You can't UN-expose. But going against your lawyers advice only makes it look worse AND may tick off your lawyer and ticked off attorneys bill more.

MM,

I truly believe exposure is your best option here - including exposing to his workplace. So that I can put this in better perspective, you mentioned that your husband is the plant manager. Do OW/potential OWs (plural) work for him? In other words, is he their supervisor or their supervisor's supervisor? How large is the company they all work for? Is there a central office other than at the plant? Do you have reason to believe he is using company time/resources to perpetuate the A?

Anecdotally, in my role with my company, I will periodically have cases come my way in which an employee is having an affair with a colleague/subordinate. Off the top of my head I can count at least 4 instances involving VP level employees. In two of those instances, the employees were terminated but they were not terminated because of the affair. One was terminated because he misused his corporate card,had a non-company employee riding in a company vehicle and violated other Health and Safety rules. The other was terminated because she was sending e-mails external to the company berating the head of her department. In the other two instances, the reporting relationship was realigned. And don't be fooled, large companies are NOT motivated by fear of a sexual harassment lawsuit - or any other lawsuit for that matter! From the very first day I started practicing law, anytime someone threatens me with that, I calmly tell them "see you in court." My company sees many Charges of Discrimination (precursors to fiing a lawsuit) each year and only rarely, if ever, do the actually turn into lawsuits much less reach judgment.

Unless the A spills into the workplace - as in using company time/resources to perpetuate the A- most employers will take the position that it's none of their business what consenting adults do. They will tell the A partners to keep it out of the workplace and, if a supervisor/subordinate relationship is involved, will rearrange that reporting relationship so that one A partner is not supervising the other A partner.

I know you have many things going on now, including your child's illness and impending lung transplant and your own impending surgery. From what I read earlier in your post, any medical expenses your son has that your insurace via WH's work doesn't pay for will be paid by Medicaid. With regard to your own need for insurance, even if a divorce were to go through quickly (keep in mind that cases drag on and on and on even when an active judge tries to keep his docket moving), you would still be entitled to COBRA coverage when the employer's insurance terminated. The same would be true if your WH were terminated because of his involvement with OW/OWs in the workplace. You do have to pay for that COBRA coverage but you are legally entitled to it.

MM, focus on this one thing, please:

FOR A HOST OF REASONS, YOU SHOULD MAXIMIZE YOUR EFFORTS TO BREAK UP THE AFFAIR!

That said, BB, ML, and others are presenting you, as a gift, the best tool to wield in that effort - full, complete, and brutal EXPOSURE. Is there likely to be correlative and concurrent damage to other elements of your life when you swing the Thor's-hammer advised? Yes. But none of the "What do I do then?" questions should be permitted to distract you from the primary goal.

Pull the pin, kiddo, and toss the grenade.

****EDIT******.

1) Make an appt. w/an attorney today if possible, sometimes it takes a while to get in. Let them know it's an emergency.
2) Get his paycheck $ Monday.
3) Expose to everyone, by then you'll have the PI evidence

dec: you keep telling her different than MB says...they say full exposure and that includes workplace. She has already stated she wants to break up the affair, whether the marriage is saved or not.

Thanks, Everyone. I think the affair will end after the proof is revealed to extended family members. If it doesn't, he's a bigger idiot than I thought. IDK if it's worth the hassle of him losing the job and insurance coverage. I just got my son's affairs to the point where he is covered from all angles. I don't really want to mess that up. I know about Cobra but it is very expensive, we had it once and it was like $1300 for a month's coverage.

My WH's company is large, the plant employs over 1500 people. They have a corporate run call line you can make complaints to including ethical type things. I did search out this info, but still feel unsure. I also noted that not all of the Harleys were totally onboard with full workplace exposure. I will think about it more. I also wonder if her moving to day shift this spring WAS the company finding out and seperating them.

My friend called and WH is over at the woman's house now, My car is parked in back but not hidden well,. She got a great picture and sent it to me. Part of him is in the picture too. There is no back door so he had to come around to the front and have a teenage son of OW2 let him in. The pi said after the women got off work (about now) they would start watching again.

I would like for them to break up. I don't plan to watch so IDK if it's worth the trouble workplace exposure would cause me. I do not want to be back with him. I do not see how that could ever occur now. I don't want my kids anywhere near these trashy people. OW2 has four kids by four different fathers and both women are nasty I have been told. When OW2 drove up with the carload of groceries my husband paid for (probably) they descended like vultures to haul it all in. My DIL thinks this is a money thing and when they realize there will be no money it will soon end. IDK.

I like the idea of getting to ask questions during divorce discovery or however it was termed. I wonder if it's both of them. An affair is one thing but I don't see why he couldn't admit that. If it was a disgusting threesome with sisters, it makes more sense to me that he feels trapped and won't admit it. Imagine your mom knowing this? Gross. Well, that is how I think anyway. Apparently his company is known to be a whorehouse, with ppl actually having sex in the restrooms and stuff like that. Might have been good to know a year or so ago!

So, Call lawyer, get money, Get PI evidence, Expose. Confront? When do I confront? Obviously after I get the PI Stuff. We never had a confrontation where I said I knew this to be true and he admitted it. Or was forced to admit it. Maybe now he doesn't care if I know and that's why he's so obvious? And Plan B letter is next. Oh, line up IM. I definitely want Plan B so I can protect my sanity.

Well, I am getting about 3 hours sleep a night. Probably rambling a lot.

Thanks so much again,

MM